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Heroin Long Black Train

N

Nickidawn

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 29, 2015
Messages
1
Ok so I’ve been riding the heroin train for decades but I’m just so freaking tired. Longtime heroin user with very real chronic pain. Been on methadone(either as replacement or through a pain clinic prescribed monthly for pain) the vast majority of the last 10 years. The problem is nothing works anymore. I’m on 90mg(I’ve tried many times going higher and find that I only feel more sluggish and have no positive effects)but feel like I’m miserable 90% of the time. Still feel like I’m in so much physical and emotional pain. I gave up on getting high a very long time ago. I just want to feel ok. I just want to have maybe 1 or 2 days a month when I actually feel good... The past year has been hellacious. Through COVID lockdown, I lost all my connects. Every time I have tried to find someone new, I get something & it’s garbage. especially on 90mg of methadone, I feel zero. I feel lost and all alone, all the time. I honestly don’t know what I hope to gain by posting. I’ve just been lurking here for decades and never really post. So I decided why not?

Doctors absolutely will not help anymore. Due to the opioid epidemic it’s just almost impossible to get pain medicine, even if they don’t doubt you are actually in pain. My past makes me a liability, first and foremost. I get all these things. It’s just hard to accept that this is just the way things are, and to learn how to live with it. Am I weak b/c sometimes I think I’m just too tired to keep fighting this fight?
 
More methadone didn't help? I was once on 380mg/day of methadone and liked it, but not enough to stay on methadone. I don't have chronic pain (beyond existential dread) so its quite a bit different.

Oddly I'd still wake up in mild withdrawal despite taking 240mg in the morning and 140mg in the afternoon 🤯. In fact I'd sort sit there in the morning for a good 1 hour and 45 minutes feeling sick waiting for it to kick on. I probably needed more methadone. Maybe closer to 500mg/day to feel withdrawal free.

Of course im glad im off because its frankly never enough. I did find existence on methadone to be tolerable, yets its interesting that i still wanted to get off. People have asked me what made me want to get off of methadone and i dont really have an answer. I think i got bored of it frankly.
 
You are definitely not weak. A lot of people with chronic pain have good luck with kratom. It might be something you could supplement your regular meds with. Not a 100% perfect fix, but might be worth a shot anyway.
 
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