...at my Dad's place, that is. Only went there cos I wanted him to pay for my codeine script tbh.
Dad is an alcoholic, or was, but now he's 75 he drinks a bit less. However he hasn't thrown out any empties of squeezed out casks for years. you can't move without treading on empties. he just drops them down wherever they fall.
Mountains of old food debris, dirty plates and you can't see the floor for cig butts. One toilet blocked, the other functional but the stench is daunting, and the piss and shit stains.
Dad hasn't showered properly for years, I suspect. I love him but he smells awful. He sleeps in his clothes, he shaves but doesn't wash is face or brush his teeth. His feet are medievally filthy.
I spent last four days in "games room" - now a tip- mountainous with old clothes, rotten mattresses, knocked over furniture, ubiquitous old food, cockroaches, probably dead rats and mice .... anyway, dragged out two bits of decrepit foam rubber, placed them over empty Valium boxes and Dex jars and old prescriptions and more wine casks, found a flannel sheet, two blankets, and a pillow of sorts.
Got into it and lay there for 4 days, mostly in near-darkness. The blocked toilet was scarey. It stopped flushing my pooh, and, of course, no toilet paper! Wiped my bum on rags and shirts I hoped no-one would miss.
Every waking hour, if possible, I'd skull a pint of that red wine that makes your poo green. I just wanted to be unconscious. You can't shit, shower or eat there. Everything is so ugly and disgusting that you don't want to open your eyes.
Dad's practically given up eating. He buys messy food that must be cooked in rank oven, and there's nothing to eat it OFF. Dad just eats his food standing up next to the oven, straight off the grill. Usually frozen chips.
I got my codeine but too so much I made myself ill.
Today got paid and had to get out of there at any cost. Spent 80 bucks on cab to dealers because after no food or showering or proper ass wipes for four days, I could hardly stand.
Oh, and was going into Valium withdrawal.
Finally I get my Dex and Valium and sit down at bus stop in blazing heat, trying to get them down without water. I began to gag ..oh I tried to keep those pills down, but it was useless. I puked up at least 30 dollars worth of pills in public.
I'm shitty now cos my mate talked me into giving him nearly half of my buy, too, which was only 60. He got 20. I've now gone thru 15 (not counting the vomited ones)..,,so: $300 spent and I've got only 20 left myself.
My life is a joke, or worse. I'm not young anymore - 47 actually.
At least am back at my own place now with a bed and a shower and a toilet ...not to be despised.
Pray for me. I am serious. And my dad. Mum's been dead since 2013 - it was suicide. If I had to live at Dads all the time I'd probably commit suicide too...
He thinks it's all good though! He DOES clean up - he puts recyclable shit in the recycle bin!
Recently a friend offered to pay for industrial cleaners. Naturally me Da says no way. His place is fine.
How is he so cheerful at 75, boozing, not eating, not caring?
And you can't be asleep all the time, no matter how foul your world is.
Mine has gone to shit. Everything has failed. At the moment of my death, I'll be overwhelmed by my sins: sloth, self - indulgence, giving up on practically everything except base pleasures like drugs. Yes, so much disappointment, loss, cruelty even - has brought me so low.
But I've never really taken courage and tried to stop this.
The older I get, the less reasons there are to try.
Dad is an alcoholic, or was, but now he's 75 he drinks a bit less. However he hasn't thrown out any empties of squeezed out casks for years. you can't move without treading on empties. he just drops them down wherever they fall.
Mountains of old food debris, dirty plates and you can't see the floor for cig butts. One toilet blocked, the other functional but the stench is daunting, and the piss and shit stains.
Dad hasn't showered properly for years, I suspect. I love him but he smells awful. He sleeps in his clothes, he shaves but doesn't wash is face or brush his teeth. His feet are medievally filthy.
I spent last four days in "games room" - now a tip- mountainous with old clothes, rotten mattresses, knocked over furniture, ubiquitous old food, cockroaches, probably dead rats and mice .... anyway, dragged out two bits of decrepit foam rubber, placed them over empty Valium boxes and Dex jars and old prescriptions and more wine casks, found a flannel sheet, two blankets, and a pillow of sorts.
Got into it and lay there for 4 days, mostly in near-darkness. The blocked toilet was scarey. It stopped flushing my pooh, and, of course, no toilet paper! Wiped my bum on rags and shirts I hoped no-one would miss.
Every waking hour, if possible, I'd skull a pint of that red wine that makes your poo green. I just wanted to be unconscious. You can't shit, shower or eat there. Everything is so ugly and disgusting that you don't want to open your eyes.
Dad's practically given up eating. He buys messy food that must be cooked in rank oven, and there's nothing to eat it OFF. Dad just eats his food standing up next to the oven, straight off the grill. Usually frozen chips.
I got my codeine but too so much I made myself ill.
Today got paid and had to get out of there at any cost. Spent 80 bucks on cab to dealers because after no food or showering or proper ass wipes for four days, I could hardly stand.
Oh, and was going into Valium withdrawal.
Finally I get my Dex and Valium and sit down at bus stop in blazing heat, trying to get them down without water. I began to gag ..oh I tried to keep those pills down, but it was useless. I puked up at least 30 dollars worth of pills in public.
I'm shitty now cos my mate talked me into giving him nearly half of my buy, too, which was only 60. He got 20. I've now gone thru 15 (not counting the vomited ones)..,,so: $300 spent and I've got only 20 left myself.
My life is a joke, or worse. I'm not young anymore - 47 actually.
At least am back at my own place now with a bed and a shower and a toilet ...not to be despised.
Pray for me. I am serious. And my dad. Mum's been dead since 2013 - it was suicide. If I had to live at Dads all the time I'd probably commit suicide too...
He thinks it's all good though! He DOES clean up - he puts recyclable shit in the recycle bin!
Recently a friend offered to pay for industrial cleaners. Naturally me Da says no way. His place is fine.
How is he so cheerful at 75, boozing, not eating, not caring?
And you can't be asleep all the time, no matter how foul your world is.
Mine has gone to shit. Everything has failed. At the moment of my death, I'll be overwhelmed by my sins: sloth, self - indulgence, giving up on practically everything except base pleasures like drugs. Yes, so much disappointment, loss, cruelty even - has brought me so low.
But I've never really taken courage and tried to stop this.
The older I get, the less reasons there are to try.
How do you get functioning back into the equation?
