afriendoftina
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2016
- Messages
- 71
(my first thread)
I thought I would describe how I got to where I am, this is my story...
It all started with a healthy decision to lose weight. I was 5'8'' and 13st, which for my build and height was overweight, not horrifically so but in the gay world where only hedonism and aesthetics seem to matter it was fat. They always say you can be straight skinny but you're gay fat. Anyway, I hooked up with this guy on Grindr, went round his house and took my top off and he said "No mate, I don't do fat" which was harsh given that I wasn't that overweight and the phrasing was cruel - it has really stuck with me. I used it though, it became sort of the 'Christina Aguilera's Fighter' for my exercise programme. I lost 3.5st (~23kgs) in four months - the healthy way, at this time I had never tried drugs, and was so happy by the new year I went to a gay men's sauna. Here, I met my beekeeper who after fucking me gave me a free bag of mephedrone. I'd never tried it but I wanted to and so that's where it started.
It moved from saunas to chillouts fairly quickly but I was definitely a sex addict at this point and was using sex as a form of validation. I used to hate the weight but I'd lost the weight and now all I hated was me. I combined the two - drugs and sex - known as the chemsex scene in London and believe me, it is prolific. Dancing shirtless till dawn in a grotty but fun east London venue then pulling a guy, going to a group sex party dosing up on GBL and snorting Mephedrone for a whole weekend and then rolling into work on Monday and barely able to get through the day. I met my (then) boyfriend and we did this chemsex scene for about 8 months, we would work in the week and spend all weekend fucking and getting high at east London chillouts. My mind was conditioned that if someone went for me at a party, it meant I was worth something, the aim for me was to get as many as possible. The more guys interested, the better prize you are. But GBL is fucking risky, I G-ed out several times and was raped three times last year. It is literally a miracle I am not HIV+, statistically - I should be with the reckless chances I've taken. The worst health episode was a three-day hospital stay for orbital cellulitis - nearly lost my sight, nearly got meningitis.
Then I was introduced to Tina (Crystal Meth), which is what it's called on the chemsex scene. It was always at parties but I always declined, that was a line too far. But then I caved and had a blowback, then it escalated from there. All this time, my original beekeeper and I became closer and closer as friends. We have an inseparable bond and I cant be away from him for more than a couple of days without missing him painfully but with being a beekeeper come the bees - easy access, cheap as shit - barely a cost. I started to sort his life admin for him, his English is a little ropey at times and he struggles to write. I'm a personal assistant to an Education Director of a company so I can handle sorting out people's life admin and in exchange for this I got anything I wanted for free. Well, I chose Tina. I then started beekeeping on the side, I didn't need the money but I enjoyed it. I was incredibly OCD and had a complicated code of records and systems and failsafes. Probably the most pedantic and organised beekeeper in the world. Tina plus label makers equals a lot of wasted time. Beekeeping was overwhelming, it was hard not to get stung by the pressure of it especially after a 6-day binge and I have depressive and suicidal tendencies which are out of control sometimes, I go into pit of physical despair where I cant move or talk and I cant bear to be anywhere but an enclosed space with a locked door so no-one can get in but yet I hate the loneliness of it.
I had a complete breakdown having lost more weight, looking gaunt and skeletal and with meth face, I quit cold turkey for 4 weeks on the 28th January. I've started up again though, I managed to use coke, mephedrone and speed to keep me occupied off the T for that time but I have gone back and the habit is creeping up. I'm finding that I am losing more and more friends. My family are detaching from me and I am struggling to meet the demands of my job. I'm in therapy but I don't it's working and the citalopram have been a godsend but I feel apathy rather than depression. I'm still not happy. I can't be happy without Tina and my beekeeper.
I tried K the other day and I has really perked me up, experiencing the afterlife and leaning into death has given me a new lease on life. Something happened there that made sense and I felt good about myself for the first time in ages. I really think that so long as I don't get addicted to the Ket then I can use it to drive me forward to give me goals and hopes. I want to want to want to be here. I want to care about whether I'm here or not, but the apathy is sometimes overwhelming. Tina has reduced me to a shell of who I was and I don't even recognise the Tom in the mirror. Currently I am recovering from a particularly bad picking fallout where I spent hours with a metal tool I snapped off a ring-binder hammering at my face to clear my skin. Sore now, and have obliterated my skin, this will scar I imagine.
Thanks if you read through this - it feels nice to write it all out like that, sorry if I rambled. Can anyone relate to any of this? Would really like to chat about this but don't really have anyone IRL...
AFRIENDOFTINA
I thought I would describe how I got to where I am, this is my story...
It all started with a healthy decision to lose weight. I was 5'8'' and 13st, which for my build and height was overweight, not horrifically so but in the gay world where only hedonism and aesthetics seem to matter it was fat. They always say you can be straight skinny but you're gay fat. Anyway, I hooked up with this guy on Grindr, went round his house and took my top off and he said "No mate, I don't do fat" which was harsh given that I wasn't that overweight and the phrasing was cruel - it has really stuck with me. I used it though, it became sort of the 'Christina Aguilera's Fighter' for my exercise programme. I lost 3.5st (~23kgs) in four months - the healthy way, at this time I had never tried drugs, and was so happy by the new year I went to a gay men's sauna. Here, I met my beekeeper who after fucking me gave me a free bag of mephedrone. I'd never tried it but I wanted to and so that's where it started.
It moved from saunas to chillouts fairly quickly but I was definitely a sex addict at this point and was using sex as a form of validation. I used to hate the weight but I'd lost the weight and now all I hated was me. I combined the two - drugs and sex - known as the chemsex scene in London and believe me, it is prolific. Dancing shirtless till dawn in a grotty but fun east London venue then pulling a guy, going to a group sex party dosing up on GBL and snorting Mephedrone for a whole weekend and then rolling into work on Monday and barely able to get through the day. I met my (then) boyfriend and we did this chemsex scene for about 8 months, we would work in the week and spend all weekend fucking and getting high at east London chillouts. My mind was conditioned that if someone went for me at a party, it meant I was worth something, the aim for me was to get as many as possible. The more guys interested, the better prize you are. But GBL is fucking risky, I G-ed out several times and was raped three times last year. It is literally a miracle I am not HIV+, statistically - I should be with the reckless chances I've taken. The worst health episode was a three-day hospital stay for orbital cellulitis - nearly lost my sight, nearly got meningitis.
Then I was introduced to Tina (Crystal Meth), which is what it's called on the chemsex scene. It was always at parties but I always declined, that was a line too far. But then I caved and had a blowback, then it escalated from there. All this time, my original beekeeper and I became closer and closer as friends. We have an inseparable bond and I cant be away from him for more than a couple of days without missing him painfully but with being a beekeeper come the bees - easy access, cheap as shit - barely a cost. I started to sort his life admin for him, his English is a little ropey at times and he struggles to write. I'm a personal assistant to an Education Director of a company so I can handle sorting out people's life admin and in exchange for this I got anything I wanted for free. Well, I chose Tina. I then started beekeeping on the side, I didn't need the money but I enjoyed it. I was incredibly OCD and had a complicated code of records and systems and failsafes. Probably the most pedantic and organised beekeeper in the world. Tina plus label makers equals a lot of wasted time. Beekeeping was overwhelming, it was hard not to get stung by the pressure of it especially after a 6-day binge and I have depressive and suicidal tendencies which are out of control sometimes, I go into pit of physical despair where I cant move or talk and I cant bear to be anywhere but an enclosed space with a locked door so no-one can get in but yet I hate the loneliness of it.
I had a complete breakdown having lost more weight, looking gaunt and skeletal and with meth face, I quit cold turkey for 4 weeks on the 28th January. I've started up again though, I managed to use coke, mephedrone and speed to keep me occupied off the T for that time but I have gone back and the habit is creeping up. I'm finding that I am losing more and more friends. My family are detaching from me and I am struggling to meet the demands of my job. I'm in therapy but I don't it's working and the citalopram have been a godsend but I feel apathy rather than depression. I'm still not happy. I can't be happy without Tina and my beekeeper.
I tried K the other day and I has really perked me up, experiencing the afterlife and leaning into death has given me a new lease on life. Something happened there that made sense and I felt good about myself for the first time in ages. I really think that so long as I don't get addicted to the Ket then I can use it to drive me forward to give me goals and hopes. I want to want to want to be here. I want to care about whether I'm here or not, but the apathy is sometimes overwhelming. Tina has reduced me to a shell of who I was and I don't even recognise the Tom in the mirror. Currently I am recovering from a particularly bad picking fallout where I spent hours with a metal tool I snapped off a ring-binder hammering at my face to clear my skin. Sore now, and have obliterated my skin, this will scar I imagine.
Thanks if you read through this - it feels nice to write it all out like that, sorry if I rambled. Can anyone relate to any of this? Would really like to chat about this but don't really have anyone IRL...
AFRIENDOFTINA