Addiction Kicked opiates, crack & benzos.... Cannabis is the hardest + DVLA problems

[geekgrl]

I was actually reading an arricle recently, saying that although the Uk used to have sone of the world's best drig treatment services, it all went to 'pot' since thr recession and austerity measures. Everyehere has had budgets cut so much that the services are not what they once were. I don't know hoe true thie ie on th grinnfnbvvt

 

[Jabberwocky]

forgiving yourself is certainly a huge step. have you ever written out your life story? i had to do it in my first week in rehab, like literally everything of note, good and bad. that really helped me forgive myself. i realised anyone who'd been through what i had would be fucked up in some way.

i'm always happy to share my experience, i like to try and make my stupidity have at least some positive outcomes and can't do that without telling people about the ways i fucked up and was fucked over.

 

[geekgrl]

You know I find it so much easier trying to help other people than myself. No I've never done the life story thing. I have been encouraged to write a letter to myself, but I've never managed that one either!

I once tried to conplete a CBT task from a book where I was supposed to identify my traumatic experiences, or certainly ones I remember having a particularly bad impact on my mental health, I think I got to about 17 and I was still going through my teenage years, by which pli t was overwhelmed by the things that had an impact in my life. But I was later told by a few therapists not to bother going there unless I felt needed to? I'm not sure if I do. It would be nice if mental health services had actually provided me with some extra one to one therapy after I fucked up my last suicide, but I did manage to get some group DBT and a few classes on stuff, but it's mostly been based on ways to manage everyday life than looking back. I guess that's CBT based therapies for you. I've always found the tasks quite easy. except for that write a letter thing.... I just couldn't do it, it's the one thing that I struggled with.

I have learned to be kinder to myself generally and also a lot about the way the mind works through the recovery college for service users. I volunteer there now, although that's another thing I won't be able to do without a car. I might have a think about the life story thing. What is it supposed to achieve? Is forgiveness the main aim? I know I have been through a ton of shit, but I also realise how lucky I am in other ways, some people have had a much harder life than me. One thing I got from the latest round of DBT is Acceptance. I remember a quote from the lady who created it about life being like a game of cards, you just get what you're dealt and just getting upset about the result doesn't achieve anything, you just have to work with what you have got. Sounds so simple doesn't it. In theory.

Anyway I'm rambling on a bit, I'm great at giving other people advice, talking about therapyand techniques, but I find it so much harder applying things when I'm upset - and I get upset a lot! I could do with doing some work arpund addiction, I've never done any as I kept it quiet (and for good reasons too).

I'm seriously all ears about anything you have tried / works well / or any suggestions. I appreciate your help

I'm back on the straight and narrow after relapse no 3 (which I still feel super guilty about) but life moves on, it was my bad reaction to being shafted by mental health services, but at least I didn't do lots of benzos cry and go to bed for a few days which used to be my old way of 'dealing with things' like an idiot! I just hope I dont feel shitt for too long again, back to the drawing board.what the fuck sm I doing with my life and this DVLA SHITE.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Hmmmmmm, that is odd that therapists would say that. and possibly an unfortunate consequence of mental health services being so stretched they can only offer limited numbers of sessions. most people who end up there have more of a life story than can be unpicked in 10 sessions.

the entire basis of my rehab was that, though we needed to focus on current thoughts and behaviours, those were the consequence of my life leading up until that point, so had to be put in context. for instance, i'm really bad at taking in information verbally, or listening to people in general. apparently that is common for people who have been bullied in early life because they need to ignore whats being said to them as a survival technique, as i was. so a) i stopped beating myself up about it and b) try to find a way around that issue instead of trying to force myself to listen.

i guess i would suggest making sure you put the good things in too, and maybe try just doing one period of life at a time. i remember feeling pretty overwhelmed too, even before i got to the age of 10 and i'd been certain i'd had a great childhood! i don't want to risk putting you in danger. maybe try to do it bit by bit, so 3 years at a time or something, so too much doesn't come up at once? let yourself feel the emotions that come up, and if too much comes up after writing down one event, leave the exercise instead of letting it get too much. come back the next day.

acceptance is a huge thing too. its one reason why i've really enjoyed going to the Buddhist centre, they stress that a lot. i like the analogy with the cards. i still find acceptance hard, its fucking easy when things are good, but earlier this year when i'd been really suffering constantly for over a month, acceptance was not easy.

well done on not doing loads of benzos and crying for days, i still feel like doing that a lot of the time when shit happens too and still have the odd duvet day. despite feeling so shit, i think you are getting through this well. especially given the obvious injustice of the situation, which my brain always uses as an excuse to do somehting stupid, cos 'it doesn't even matter if i do the right thing cos everything fucks up anyway!!'

 

[geekgrl]

Thanks, I think I'm dealing ok, but I've got the fallout from relapse 3 coming my way now, I will undoubtedly feel super shit for a few days. Currently I just want CMHT off my back and I will lie low for a bit. I'm not planning on telling the DVLA fuck all now they aren't going to. I will just tell them I am volunterily giving it up and they will forget about it until another year I'm sure. Not the sensible thing to do, but I think that's what I am going to do. Need to talk it over with some friends see what they think.

Don't worry about my risk, it's manageable, plus my venlafaxine keeps my mood up. I am going to look at applying some of my techniques to my addiction problem, it must be so intertwined with my mental health. I am luckily now very self aware and that helps a lot. Just need to show CMHT I am not at risk, just because I cried down the phone and I am incredibly upset by the situation, that doesn't mean I'm going to do anything to try end my life, been there, done that too many times.

Your replies are really appreciated, your experiences are of real value, so thank you, again.

 

[geekgrl]

FYI the 'game of cards' of life analogy is from Martha Linehan DBT 'Radical Acceptance'.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I think what you've proposed about your licence is perfectly reasonable. Do you intend to actually give it up? I don't think you really should have to. I still can't get over what a ridiculously snide situation it is.

hope you've a good couple of days.

 

[geekgrl]

Am I fuck giving it up! I'll never pass a drugs test for cannabis. At least thats the last I will hear from them about it as it's my responsibility not there's. They csn fuck right off if I'm giving up my car, I live in Cheshire FFS and I have a blue badge for a reason. However I'm lying low a little still. Lending my car to a friend in need who can't work and his car had died. My 25 year old Mitsubishi FTO saves the day.... I haven't driven in a couple of weeks now, and I do miss it and my stereo.

 

[geekgrl]

I was actually contemplating trying to give up smoking weed but could only get to 2 bongs a.day. Moral of the story don't tell no one nothing and be careful if you're under Community Mental Health Services!