July Recovery Thread

[Jabberwocky]

Since it is 30.6, i decided to start a new thread for new month.
Let me start. I just turned 20, i am From northern Europe, i have had long drug habit and now i am trying to quit. I was railing around Europe last summer, from Sweden to Denmark to Germany etc. and did lot of heroin. Well, i came back to the north, and heroin is not so easy to get here. I can get some synthetic opioids, like U-47700, but my heart has already stopped once because of that shit. So i decided to move to buprenorphine. Now i am 4th day without it, i got some diazepam for to help me deal with this. Feeling OK. I also got some Catapresan. It is blood pressure medication, but doctors told me that it helps with the cold, hot, cold, hot feeling and i feel it somehow does.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Was debating whether to have a few beers for the 4th but decided to ride my bike instead.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Was debating whether to have a few beers for the 4th but decided to ride my bike instead.

Last time i drank, i got trouble with the cops. I ate 7x 1mg alpros and drank 2 bottles of 21.7% 0.7L bottles and 9 cans of 4.7% 0.33L drinks. I climbed up to someoneones roof, and started doing art with my beatiful spray cans during middle of the day. Soon someone came for a cigarette and saw me. I told him i am professional and that he should let me do the piece to an end, so it would be more beatiful. He started whining. I started beating him, for not letting me do my art and trying to take pictures of me. Cops came, got in to jail for one night. It was like 4 days ago or something.
About my rehab, it's now 8th day. Last night i had some deep dreams. I masturbated before going to sleep, but i saw dream of me fucking 2 girls. I was going to Denmark, with a train. It was fucking wet dream and i am 20. Is this normal? Or is it just my testosterone levels getting back to normal, after quitting bupre? Anyways, in Denmark i was amazed that there were no black hookers around, cuz last time i was there they were eveywhere. Then i got some heroin and shot it up. Fucking drug dreams.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Last time i drank, i got trouble with the cops. I ate 7x 1mg alpros and drank 2 bottles of 21.7% 0.7L bottles and 9 cans of 4.7% 0.33L drinks. I climbed up to someoneones roof, and started doing art with my beatiful spray cans during middle of the day. Soon someone came for a cigarette and saw me. I told him i am professional and that he should let me do the piece to an end, so it would be more beatiful. He started whining. I started beating him, for not letting me do my art and trying to take pictures of me. Cops came, got in to jail for one night. It was like 4 days ago or something.
About my rehab, it's now 8th day. Last night i had some deep dreams. I masturbated before going to sleep, but i saw dream of me fucking 2 girls. I was going to Denmark, with a train. It was fucking wet dream and i am 20. Is this normal? Or is it just my testosterone levels getting back to normal, after quitting bupre? Anyways, in Denmark i was amazed that there were no black hookers around, cuz last time i was there they were eveywhere. Then i got some heroin and shot it up. Fucking drug dreams.

It's totally normal, and yeah, I think it's testosterone levels correcting themselves. I've been off H and on a low dose of bupe for over 35 days and my sex drive was non-existent for the first week or so but then it went crazy and it still hasn't gone back down. Just think of it as your body healing. How long were you on bupe?? Are you totally sober now??

I think I'm really starting to get into a sober groove. I'm reducing from 2mg to 1.2 next week - looking forward to making positive steps towards total sobriety. I still have cravings but they're getting a lot more manageable with time and practice, and the good days are becoming more frequent.

 

[Jabberwocky]

It's totally normal, and yeah, I think it's testosterone levels correcting themselves. I've been off H and on a low dose of bupe for over 35 days and my sex drive was non-existent for the first week or so but then it went crazy and it still hasn't gone back down. Just think of it as your body healing. How long were you on bupe?? Are you totally sober now??

I think I'm really starting to get into a sober groove. I'm reducing from 2mg to 1.2 next week - looking forward to making positive steps towards total sobriety. I still have cravings but they're getting a lot more manageable with time and practice, and the good days are becoming more frequent.

I am totally off bupre. I was on bupre for first like 8 months, got off and was week or two without and began again "cuz just this one time". Now i have been only 3 months on bupre. I know people who have been over 10 years on that stuff and they will never get off it. It is a escort treatment, because of it escorts you to grave. I eat benzos daily tho, for the depression and just to make me feel better. The 1mg-0.5mg drop on bupre is the hardest. Remember the halflife of the substance. Even if you take 1mg day regularly, your blood has like double dose of it in there. I was sober, when i began my school last year. It went good for a while. It's really much fucking easier to be high as fuck all the time.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I am totally off bupre. I was on bupre for first like 8 months, got off and was week or two without and began again "cuz just this one time". Now i have been only 3 months on bupre. I know people who have been over 10 years on that stuff and they will never get off it. It is a escort treatment, because of it escorts you to grave. I eat benzos daily tho, for the depression and just to make me feel better. The 1mg-0.5mg drop on bupre is the hardest. Remember the halflife of the substance. Even if you take 1mg day regularly, your blood has like double dose of it in there. I was sober, when i began my school last year. It went good for a while. It's really much fucking easier to be high as fuck all the time.

Am I misreading you here? Did you just criticise bupe as a substance that "escorts you to the grave" in the same breath as you explaining you take benzos daily??

 

[Jabberwocky]

Am I misreading you here? Did you just criticise bupe as a substance that "escorts you to the grave" in the same breath as you explaining you take benzos daily??

I take them for rehab pains and depression for a while. I have been dropping my dose already, even tho it's my 8th day without bupre. I know how to control my benzo usage. Never been addicted to them. The escort treatment is a finnish saying, mostly about methadone, but nowdays used about bupre too.

 

[polabear]

I was on fentanyl for about 12yrs. Last spring I decided to stop use. Cold Turkey. I've had anxiety ever since. Doctor's say it will take two years for the anxiety to pass. What is a good drug to take for anxiety apart from prescriptions?

 

[hotfriesmmm]

polabear. Exercise, exercise, exercise. Yoga and breathing exercises. Kava Kava, valerian root.

 

[somnilicious]

Am I misreading you here? Did you just criticise bupe as a substance that "escorts you to the grave" in the same breath as you explaining you take benzos daily??

I think he means that once you start, your on it till death...as in.... It's hard to get off of like methadone and many people become lifer's.

I'm doing fawking fantastic..... I started work(trim carpentry) and I am really grateful to be working because I desperately needed some cash to keep my ass out of jail. I also love the work(much better than my corporate sales and marketing job). I'm free of all substances except 5-10grams of kratom every day or so. I even quit smoking cigarettes. It's already been a couple of weeks without a cig and I honestly didn't even intend on quitting. It just kind of happened and I feel so much better already.

Other than my kratom, some kava and a little weed I have been clean now for well over a month. I bought a gram of weed earlier in the week(the first in over a month) and I didn't even enjoy it and I usually love smoking weed. I hated the way it made my thinking feel clouded, cyclical and spacy(def. not mindful).

I have been meditating and practicing mindfulness and I have found it to be amazing for reducing my stress and helping me not get caught up in negative thought loops. I met a lot of cool people that are starting to become really good friends at the local kratom, kava bar, which is an old victorian style house, that's been turned into a kratom kava club by this awesome hippy couple. They have pool tables and open mic performance nights. The atmosphere and people are so chill and down to earth. It is my new hangout place and it has actually kind of filled a void that AA/NA used to fill but in a much more rounded and fulfilling way. I loved the program but I never really made true friends or ever felt like I belonged. I always felt so lonely in AA/NA despite the fact that I actually took to and obsorbed all aspects of the program...........

There is such an eclectic mix of interesting people of all ages at this kava club. I particularly like the fact that there is a lot of free spirited, cultured and intellectually inclined individuals. Lots of Artists and those who appreciate art. I have started learning to play guitar there, i've begun writing again, lots of music, literature and a random mix of interesting discussion, while practicing meditation and getting to play a bit of pool for free. I am so happy I have found the place and my new little tribe.

Glad to see your doing well Rio. I guess Chinup has been busy with work. I hope she is doing well and enjoying her job. Hope everybody is having a good day.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Rio, awesome!!! just replied in your other thread. so glad you're doing so well. i hope the drop goes OK too.

i'm really enjoying my job. i am amazed how much the drugs were fucking my brain. like i thought heroin was this magic wonder drug that helped me work. the only way it helped me work was cos i was so distracted wanting heroin all the time that i couldn't work when i didn't have it (i.e. when i was actually at work). totally fucked. i've also got my new place sorted so will be moving out from my parents. fuckin ay!!!!

 

[somnilicious]

Rio, awesome!!! just replied in your other thread. so glad you're doing so well. i hope the drop goes OK too.

i'm really enjoying my job. i am amazed how much the drugs were fucking my brain. like i thought heroin was this magic wonder drug that helped me work. the only way it helped me work was cos i was so distracted wanting heroin all the time that i couldn't work when i didn't have it (i.e. when i was actually at work). totally fucked. i've also got my new place sorted so will be moving out from my parents. fuckin ay!!!!

That is awesome news Chinup! I really can't believe how far you have come. Your story truly is inspirational. I remember reading your posts in the beginning and you were so racked with doubt, insecurities and you even used to question as to whether using dark was necessarily an overall net negative in your life. Now you are absolutely finding yourself and your true inner strength. You are working through your problems without using and are in a job in your dream field. Congratulations girl!! Your own Place.... What?!?! That is a milestone in sobriety. Just make sure to keep using the tools that got you here to avoid a slow relapse in thinking. I am absolutely amazed and motivated by your progress. Please don't forget about use here when you start getting so busy in life. There are people here who really need you. Your story has the power to help people. Thanks for sharing.....

 

[Jabberwocky]

thanks so much!! that is really flattering. and yeah, i totally used to think dark was helping me, and by masking the ptsd it actually was, but I'm so glad i can see what damage it was doing now.

i'll stick around. moving out of my parents is bound to throw a lot of shit up. like i don't think i've ever had a day clean where i was in my own place before. even my very first night living independently, in uni halls, i set off the fire alarm in my room cos i was smoking weed in there. you could say i went downhill from there!! this is why living with someone from NA is gonna be a huge help, she'll hopefully keep me on the safe and narrow.

how is everyone in here doing?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Thanks for starting a new thread dead man. Normally the mods are on this. My life has been a mess. I’ve been so depressed. Flashbacks, waves of sadness and grief. Permeating visuals, etc. A lot of crying. I try to breathe through it.

Every day is a new chance at making tomorrow better. I keep trying to live that.

 

[D_K1984]

It's been a hard few months. Job has been more demanding and my doctor I've been with for 10+ years has called it quits so I'm stuck with someone in their office that I dislike.

Fell off the wagon a few times but nothing outrageous. Mostly just take Kratom nowadays. It helps some but also makes my acid reflux go crazy. The horrible depression is still there. It's always there.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I think he means that once you start, your on it till death...as in.... It's hard to get off of like methadone and many people become lifer's.

I'm doing fawking fantastic..... I started work(trim carpentry) and I am really grateful to be working because I desperately needed some cash to keep my ass out of jail. I also love the work(much better than my corporate sales and marketing job). I'm free of all substances except 5-10grams of kratom every day or so. I even quit smoking cigarettes. It's already been a couple of weeks without a cig and I honestly didn't even intend on quitting. It just kind of happened and I feel so much better already.

Other than my kratom, some kava and a little weed I have been clean now for well over a month. I bought a gram of weed earlier in the week(the first in over a month) and I didn't even enjoy it and I usually love smoking weed. I hated the way it made my thinking feel clouded, cyclical and spacy(def. not mindful).

I have been meditating and practicing mindfulness and I have found it to be amazing for reducing my stress and helping me not get caught up in negative thought loops. I met a lot of cool people that are starting to become really good friends at the local kratom, kava bar, which is an old victorian style house, that's been turned into a kratom kava club by this awesome hippy couple.

Glad to see your doing well Rio. I guess Chinup has been busy with work. I hope she is doing well and enjoying her job. Hope everybody is having a good day.

Your took the much more charitable interpretation, which is what I should have done. I can be way too quick to read negativity into people and I need to watch it. I immediately thought I'd clocked a personal attack on people taking buprenorphine and hypocrisy since the person doing it was taking benzos, but its much more likely that he was just pointing out the large amount of people that stay on maintenance meds forever rather than taking a potshot. I ought to be more like you!

It sounds like you're doing awesome. It baffles me how you've just managed to quit cigarettes with no effort. I've quit smoking cigs as well and moved onto a vape but even that took some significant willpower for a few days and I'm sure if I tried to go nicotine-free for a day I'd be tearing my hair out, so props! What does kava do for you?? also, do you ever go stretches without the kratom??

Rio, awesome!!! just replied in your other thread. so glad you're doing so well. i hope the drop goes OK too.

i'm really enjoying my job. i am amazed how much the drugs were fucking my brain. like i thought heroin was this magic wonder drug that helped me work. the only way it helped me work was cos i was so distracted wanting heroin all the time that i couldn't work when i didn't have it (i.e. when i was actually at work). totally fucked. i've also got my new place sorted so will be moving out from my parents. fuckin ay!!!!

you're killing it!! you're doing amazing! it feels real good to leave your old life behind, doesn't it??

Thanks for starting a new thread dead man. Normally the mods are on this. My life has been a mess. I’ve been so depressed. Flashbacks, waves of sadness and grief. Permeating visuals, etc. A lot of crying. I try to breathe through it.

Every day is a new chance at making tomorrow better. I keep trying to live that.

Man, it's inspirational how you manage to stay positive and motivated despite what seems to be unrelenting severe psychiatric issues. Are you getting treatment or therapy?? It sucks to hear that you're suffering so much all of the time. I'm sure if I was going through what you do I'd have relapsed, so it's a testament to your strength that you keep putting one foot in front of the other and staying clean despite it all.

 

[somnilicious]

Thanks for starting a new thread dead man. Normally the mods are on this. My life has been a mess. I’ve been so depressed. Flashbacks, waves of sadness and grief. Permeating visuals, etc. A lot of crying. I try to breathe through it.

Every day is a new chance at making tomorrow better. I keep trying to live that.

I know it's been difficult for you captain and I empathize with you. You helped so many people and you deserve peace. I hope you find the means to get there. I really think that if you could ever make it through those initial difficult weeks of cannabis discontinuation that your mood would improve dramatically. I know mine did.

It's been a hard few months. Job has been more demanding and my doctor I've been with for 10+ years has called it quits so I'm stuck with someone in their office that I dislike.

Fell off the wagon a few times but nothing outrageous. Mostly just take Kratom nowadays. It helps some but also makes my acid reflux go crazy. The horrible depression is still there. It's always there.

Hey Dusty... Good to see you. I've decided to quit kratom today because it's giving cravings, making me depressed and I've been raising my dose. I got some gabapentin and I feel great.

I was so mad when the doc didn't continue the gabapentin when I left detox. I threw the ssri and antipsychotic back at the pharmacist and left. It makes me feel normal. My nervous system is kind of fucked and I get tremors sometimes in the morning and during stressful moments.... Try cutting in with a paint brush with your hand shaking...lol.... As much as I needed any work at that moment I knew I wasn't a painter. Oh well I know it will get better in time.

It has been difficult for me to get a gaba script. It stops this tremor and does wonders for my mood and anxiety. It increases gaba conversion and reduces glutamate, which is awesome for those suffering post withdrawal. I habe had scripts for it before and found it very helpful and have never had withdrawal even after 4mths of use.

....but I can't complain. Despite myself life is good right now. Might be forced into treatment or something worse by the courts but it's all good in the hood. What ever happens happens and I'll keep stirring the lemonade pitcher regardless.

Hope everyone has a good day.

 

[somnilicious]

Your took the much more charitable interpretation, which is what I should have done. I can be way too quick to read negativity into people and I need to watch it. I immediately thought I'd clocked a personal attack on people taking buprenorphine and hypocrisy since the person doing it was taking benzos, but its much more likely that he was just pointing out the large amount of people that stay on maintenance meds forever rather than taking a potshot. I ought to be more like you!

It sounds like you're doing awesome. It baffles me how you've just managed to quit cigarettes with no effort. I've quit smoking cigs as well and moved onto a vape but even that took some significant willpower for a few days and I'm sure if I tried to go nicotine-free for a day I'd be tearing my hair out, so props! What does kava do for you?? also, do you ever go stretches without the kratom??



you're killing it!! you're doing amazing! it feels real good to leave your old life behind, doesn't it??



Man, it's inspirational how you manage to stay positive and motivated despite what seems to be unrelenting severe psychiatric issues. Are you getting treatment or therapy?? It sucks to hear that you're suffering so much all of the time. I'm sure if I was going through what you do I'd have relapsed, so it's a testament to your strength that you keep putting one foot in front of the other and staying clean despite it all.

Just saw this.... You only took it personal because youre taking bup. If I was where you are, instead of an outside observer, I might have taken it the same way.

I take some days off kratom. I've decided to quit taking it almost daily and maybe stop all together. It's doing more harm than good now. Kava is great because it obliterates anxiety and improves mood without being physically addictive. It scratches that itch to get outside myself. It is a fantastic social lubricant, so it's kinda of a hangout thing for me. It's not just the kava but the environment and people of the club. I try to respect it and it's ceremonial history by using it to bond with others.

How you doing Rio?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I have medication and I write out how I feel, what I'm thinking a lot. It seems to help. I don't go to therapy because I think it only makes me more bitter and upset.

It doesn't surprise me how many years of active addiction I had considering the issues I am facing.

Thank you Rio, you're a great guy and I really hope things are going well for you.

 

[polabear]

polabear. Exercise, exercise, exercise. Yoga and breathing exercises. Kava Kava, valerian root.

Thanks for the advice