I've Made So Many Mistakes In My Life

[Lovecraft]

I'm going to be 48 next month and I'm confronted by the fact that I've been an utter idiot for a large fraction of that time. Thus, I've made some really bad mistakes, the kind that you never really stop paying for. I'm having a really hard time living with myself. I know some of it is bad luck that I'm not totally responsible for. But still, I'm just not happy with who I am and can't forgive myself for the problems I've created.

At the same time I feel like I had some potential to have been able to make things turn out differently than how they did but I just sabotaged myself, most of the time not being aware of the fact that I was doing so until afterwards, sometimes long afterwards. At this point, the opportunities that were once available are gone and I'm tormented by how different my life could have been.

 

[Mr. Krinkle]

No point in looking back....just keep going forward, do the best you can, don't do anybody dirty, and it'll all work itself out

“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”​

― Lao Tzu


stick with that thought

 

[n3ophy7e]

I'm going to be 48 next month and I'm confronted by the fact that I've been an utter idiot for a large fraction of that time. Thus, I've made some really bad mistakes, the kind that you never really stop paying for. I'm having a really hard time living with myself. I know some of it is bad luck that I'm not totally responsible for. But still, I'm just not happy with who I am and can't forgive myself for the problems I've created.

At the same time I feel like I had some potential to have been able to make things turn out differently than how they did but I just sabotaged myself, most of the time not being aware of the fact that I was doing so until afterwards, sometimes long afterwards. At this point, the opportunities that were once available are gone and I'm tormented by how different my life could have been.

As long as you keep punishing yourself for whatever has happened in the past, things are going to continue to be bad for you. I know from experience. I was the queen of self-sabotage and making terrible decisions. Why did I continue to be like that?? Because deep down I believed I didn't deserve better, and I was punishing myself for all the stupid shit I'd done and bad mistakes I'd made. It wasn't until I forgave myself, truly let go of the past, learned to love myself fully, and started being kind to myself and taking really good care of myself, THEN my life started to get better and good things started to happen. It was because I was ALLOWING good things to happen, because I knew I DESERVED it.
Does that make sense?

 

[n3ophy7e]

Oh and also I was gonna say, a good therapist can REALLY help you with this!! This is the perfect kinda thing that therapy can help with, if you're open to that

 

[Lovecraft]

Oh and also I was gonna say, a good therapist can REALLY help you with this!! This is the perfect kinda thing that therapy can help with, if you're open to that

I am but it's been so difficult finding a good one. Multiple tries.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I am but it's been so difficult finding a good one. Multiple tries.

Oh maaannnnn don't I know it!!! There are so many terrible ones out there. I mean.....they mean well, I'm sure their intentions are good, but they're just really really not good at counselling. Having said that though, they ARE some truly amazing therapists out there who do excellent work, ya just gotta find 'em

If you have a good relationship with your doctor, ask them for a recommendation. Or maybe just google recommendations for good therapists in your area. If you're open to it, it's definitely worth another try.

 

[n3ophy7e]

@Lovecraft how are you feeling today?