Blackmagic1234
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 25, 2020
- Messages
- 1
I have a certain phobia that I have had since I was really young. I wasn't able to hide it as a phobia until I was 13 years old - I managed to overcome it when I was nine years old, after having a few dreams (more on those later). I regained the phobia for some reason when I was 13; I have no idea how I regained the phobia. The phobia I have is fear of doctors listening to my heart, fear of reading that stuff, and fear of watching it. - even typing is this - I actually had to take Cannabis Edibles before I posted this (I tried to post it when I was sober but was too embarrassed to).
I have no idea how I got the phobia or why it came back. I tried Cognitive Behavior Therapy for another phobia that I have, needlephobia, but it did nothing; I tried it with a psychologist too. (I actually have full-blown panic attacks in front of the doctor if I have to get a needle, I can hide my anxiety when the doctor is listening to my heart but am thinking the whole time "hurry the fuck up and get this over with". I tried not to think this and think something neutral or something else but it never worked.)
I overcame the fear the first time by admitting to it - I admitted to it when I was nine years old after telling a friend (who was 10 years old) that she was in a nightmare I had two weeks before I saw her. I told her not to tell anyone but she told my mom. Mom, who knew about my phobia even though I had refused to admit it (because I think the fact that I have it is stupid and I have no idea why it freaks me out, I'm grossed out by it BIG TIME). I finally admitted to having the phobia to my mom and my friend (who also figured out that I had the phobia before I had the nightmare - a nurse would go around to the different classrooms and offer to let kids listen to their hearts but I would never participate - I would stay at my desk and do homework the entire time she was there. This happened until I was in grade four). My mom wasn't mad at me and she didn't think it was a stupid phobia to have and neither did my friend.
I had three dreams that involved my phobia (before I overcame it the first time).
In the first dream, I dreamed that me, my friend, and another friend went from Port Saunders, NL to St. John's, NL (it's actually a 10 hour drive). We arrived at a hospital in St. John's, NL, where we were each taken to separate rooms. I was taken into a room by a nurse that was a short, fat, woman with short, cropped black hair; she also a turquoise top and black pants on. In the dream the nurse listened to my heart and said that I had to have an EEG. I said "in your dreams" and shoved her out the window. I then looked out the window and saw that she had splattered all over the pavement (I was in the tenth floor of a hospital that is in St. John's, NL; however, the hospital, in real life, has four floors. I ran out of the room and got my two friends; we were running when a doctor saw us and yelled "hey!" in anger. I turned around and kicked him in the face; blood started dripping down his chin when I kicked him. My friends and I kept running until we got outside the hospital. A giant raven then landed on the ground and we got on it and flew back to Port Saunders, NL. I then woke up.
I'm not violent and was actually convinced that I killed someone and would be arrested (I wasn't watching anything violent back then either - I love police procedurals but didn't start watching them until I was 17 years old, that's the most violent things I will watch). I didn't tell my mom or anyone but my mom noticed I was looking freaked out and demanded for me to tell her. She actually guessed that I had a nightmare and that it was about that phobia. I cried but denied it. It was after this that I realized it was a dream (since giant ravens don't exist lol). Two weeks later I saw my friend and told her about my nightmare (since she was in it). She told my mom right away. I finally admitted that I had the phobia and that night I had my second dream. This time it involved Barney The Dinosaur in my fucking bedroom listening to my heart (I hated Barney & Friends by then - I stopped liking it when I was six years old). After he did this one of the characters, Kathy, came into my room. I asked her how old was she when she did the episode "Doctor Barney Is Here!" She said she was six years old (I found out several years later through the internet that this was in fact correct). After this I woke up. I actually felt like a bit of my phobia was gone (about 50%).
A few weeks later, I had my third dream. This time I dreamed I was at the dentist office on a school field trip in Bay Roberts, NL. In the waiting room was a doctor who I know in real life. This doctor actually knew about my phobia in real life (since I would have panic attacks with this phobia too). In the dream, everyone went into the dentist's exam room. One of the boys that bullied me in real life got in the dentist's chair - he wanted to be the first one to be examined by the dentist. The doctor that knew about my phobia came over and took two cans of whipped cream and sprayed them all over the boy. The doctor then said he wanted to ask me about something. I left the dentist's office and we drove to St. John's, NL. We entered the hospital that was in my nightmare in the first dream. We went to the tenth floor and entered the room that had the window I pushed the nurse out of. All of the lights were broken in the room, the window had a piece of wood protecting it, and it was labelled with both Crime Scene tape and Crime Scene Markers (I have no idea how I knew what they looked like since I never watched any crime shows until I was 17 years old - my parents and friends didn't watch crime shows either). The doctor asked if I pushed the nurse out of the window. I nodded. The doctor then said something to me and I woke up - this time I felt like I didn't have any of the phobia at all. I told my mom, who was happy, and when I saw my friend I told her about both dreams. My friend told me to prove that I didn't have the phobia anymore but there was no way I was doing anything in public or even in front of my friend. Two months after I told my friend I saw my doctor (the one who was in my dream). I told my doctor about the dreams and he was glad that my fear was gone. I made it through that appointment without freaking out (or thinking anything like "hurry the fuck up and get this over with"). I was able to go through every appointment, until I was 13 years old, like this.
When I was 13 years old I started feeling disgusted, thinking that this was stupid, and "hurry the fuck up and get this over with". I would also turn red and feel embarrassed but nobody would know about this (since I wasn't panicking this time). However, if I was reading a book and it came to something that was about the phobia that was back I would either skip the paragraph or, if it was on more than one or two pages, close the book and get rid of it (it's too bad I couldn't do that with Biology or Medical Terminology And Transcription - I hate medical things but am trying to get a job so I took the course. I don't remember a lot of the words that I learned even though I got a 92% in the course). The same thing happened with TV Shows and Movies that would have scenes that involved that phobia - I would either fast forward through the scene, let the scene play (if it was brief and not very long) while looking away in disgust, or change the channel (I was once dusting my bedroom when this happened - I ran over to my bed and grabbed the remote and changed the channel quickly).
Because of these things, the phobia is back even though I try to continue reading the book or watching the TV Show or movie; it's rare for me to be able to successfully read a book or watch a TV Show or movie that has a scene to do with my phobia that I thought was gone (I find that I can usually read or watch a TV Show or movie that has something to do with my phobia that I thought was gone when I take Cannabis Edibles).
Is Anyone Else dealing with a phobia that returned? I tried to "overcome" this phobia by admitting that it came back but it didn't work this time - I admitted to a boyfriend when I was 16 years old because he was talking about something that had to do with my phobia. Nothing changed after I admitted this; nothing has changed no matter what I try.
Is Anyone Else dealing with a phobia that they're too embarrassed to admit having? I am. I'm losing my sanity or this since I am now seeing a Cannabis Physician for Medical Marijuana. I started seeing her in December 2019 and she wants to see me every two months. She's going to be doing the same thing for some reason every time though, even though I'm on CBD, not THC: She's going to listen to my fucking heart every single time but I don't know why since what I'm taking has CBD, not THC and I don't have heart problems. I see her again on February 27, 2020. I am silently cursing to myself about this since I feel embarrassed when this happens yet I don't know why.
I have no idea how I got the phobia or why it came back. I tried Cognitive Behavior Therapy for another phobia that I have, needlephobia, but it did nothing; I tried it with a psychologist too. (I actually have full-blown panic attacks in front of the doctor if I have to get a needle, I can hide my anxiety when the doctor is listening to my heart but am thinking the whole time "hurry the fuck up and get this over with". I tried not to think this and think something neutral or something else but it never worked.)
I overcame the fear the first time by admitting to it - I admitted to it when I was nine years old after telling a friend (who was 10 years old) that she was in a nightmare I had two weeks before I saw her. I told her not to tell anyone but she told my mom. Mom, who knew about my phobia even though I had refused to admit it (because I think the fact that I have it is stupid and I have no idea why it freaks me out, I'm grossed out by it BIG TIME). I finally admitted to having the phobia to my mom and my friend (who also figured out that I had the phobia before I had the nightmare - a nurse would go around to the different classrooms and offer to let kids listen to their hearts but I would never participate - I would stay at my desk and do homework the entire time she was there. This happened until I was in grade four). My mom wasn't mad at me and she didn't think it was a stupid phobia to have and neither did my friend.
I had three dreams that involved my phobia (before I overcame it the first time).
In the first dream, I dreamed that me, my friend, and another friend went from Port Saunders, NL to St. John's, NL (it's actually a 10 hour drive). We arrived at a hospital in St. John's, NL, where we were each taken to separate rooms. I was taken into a room by a nurse that was a short, fat, woman with short, cropped black hair; she also a turquoise top and black pants on. In the dream the nurse listened to my heart and said that I had to have an EEG. I said "in your dreams" and shoved her out the window. I then looked out the window and saw that she had splattered all over the pavement (I was in the tenth floor of a hospital that is in St. John's, NL; however, the hospital, in real life, has four floors. I ran out of the room and got my two friends; we were running when a doctor saw us and yelled "hey!" in anger. I turned around and kicked him in the face; blood started dripping down his chin when I kicked him. My friends and I kept running until we got outside the hospital. A giant raven then landed on the ground and we got on it and flew back to Port Saunders, NL. I then woke up.
I'm not violent and was actually convinced that I killed someone and would be arrested (I wasn't watching anything violent back then either - I love police procedurals but didn't start watching them until I was 17 years old, that's the most violent things I will watch). I didn't tell my mom or anyone but my mom noticed I was looking freaked out and demanded for me to tell her. She actually guessed that I had a nightmare and that it was about that phobia. I cried but denied it. It was after this that I realized it was a dream (since giant ravens don't exist lol). Two weeks later I saw my friend and told her about my nightmare (since she was in it). She told my mom right away. I finally admitted that I had the phobia and that night I had my second dream. This time it involved Barney The Dinosaur in my fucking bedroom listening to my heart (I hated Barney & Friends by then - I stopped liking it when I was six years old). After he did this one of the characters, Kathy, came into my room. I asked her how old was she when she did the episode "Doctor Barney Is Here!" She said she was six years old (I found out several years later through the internet that this was in fact correct). After this I woke up. I actually felt like a bit of my phobia was gone (about 50%).
A few weeks later, I had my third dream. This time I dreamed I was at the dentist office on a school field trip in Bay Roberts, NL. In the waiting room was a doctor who I know in real life. This doctor actually knew about my phobia in real life (since I would have panic attacks with this phobia too). In the dream, everyone went into the dentist's exam room. One of the boys that bullied me in real life got in the dentist's chair - he wanted to be the first one to be examined by the dentist. The doctor that knew about my phobia came over and took two cans of whipped cream and sprayed them all over the boy. The doctor then said he wanted to ask me about something. I left the dentist's office and we drove to St. John's, NL. We entered the hospital that was in my nightmare in the first dream. We went to the tenth floor and entered the room that had the window I pushed the nurse out of. All of the lights were broken in the room, the window had a piece of wood protecting it, and it was labelled with both Crime Scene tape and Crime Scene Markers (I have no idea how I knew what they looked like since I never watched any crime shows until I was 17 years old - my parents and friends didn't watch crime shows either). The doctor asked if I pushed the nurse out of the window. I nodded. The doctor then said something to me and I woke up - this time I felt like I didn't have any of the phobia at all. I told my mom, who was happy, and when I saw my friend I told her about both dreams. My friend told me to prove that I didn't have the phobia anymore but there was no way I was doing anything in public or even in front of my friend. Two months after I told my friend I saw my doctor (the one who was in my dream). I told my doctor about the dreams and he was glad that my fear was gone. I made it through that appointment without freaking out (or thinking anything like "hurry the fuck up and get this over with"). I was able to go through every appointment, until I was 13 years old, like this.
When I was 13 years old I started feeling disgusted, thinking that this was stupid, and "hurry the fuck up and get this over with". I would also turn red and feel embarrassed but nobody would know about this (since I wasn't panicking this time). However, if I was reading a book and it came to something that was about the phobia that was back I would either skip the paragraph or, if it was on more than one or two pages, close the book and get rid of it (it's too bad I couldn't do that with Biology or Medical Terminology And Transcription - I hate medical things but am trying to get a job so I took the course. I don't remember a lot of the words that I learned even though I got a 92% in the course). The same thing happened with TV Shows and Movies that would have scenes that involved that phobia - I would either fast forward through the scene, let the scene play (if it was brief and not very long) while looking away in disgust, or change the channel (I was once dusting my bedroom when this happened - I ran over to my bed and grabbed the remote and changed the channel quickly).
Because of these things, the phobia is back even though I try to continue reading the book or watching the TV Show or movie; it's rare for me to be able to successfully read a book or watch a TV Show or movie that has a scene to do with my phobia that I thought was gone (I find that I can usually read or watch a TV Show or movie that has something to do with my phobia that I thought was gone when I take Cannabis Edibles).
Is Anyone Else dealing with a phobia that returned? I tried to "overcome" this phobia by admitting that it came back but it didn't work this time - I admitted to a boyfriend when I was 16 years old because he was talking about something that had to do with my phobia. Nothing changed after I admitted this; nothing has changed no matter what I try.
Is Anyone Else dealing with a phobia that they're too embarrassed to admit having? I am. I'm losing my sanity or this since I am now seeing a Cannabis Physician for Medical Marijuana. I started seeing her in December 2019 and she wants to see me every two months. She's going to be doing the same thing for some reason every time though, even though I'm on CBD, not THC: She's going to listen to my fucking heart every single time but I don't know why since what I'm taking has CBD, not THC and I don't have heart problems. I see her again on February 27, 2020. I am silently cursing to myself about this since I feel embarrassed when this happens yet I don't know why.
