BenzosBudOrBooty
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 21, 2010
- Messages
- 198
for many years i've had a lot of issues. especially being sensitive and a misunderstanding of reality i would say. Most likely due to psychosis and schizo-affective and other mental illnesses so here it freaking goes heres my story once and for all.
Well some of you may have heard chunks of my stories but after a recent ketamine binge its put it in a brand new light.
Let me start off by saying I should have never been born. My mom was 43 years old, coming off 4 miscarriages and had a bloodclot during pregnancy and i was pulled out by forceps and despite that was a very healthy baby. Or so they thought, but to me that was a huge trauma, my birth, being introduced into the world that way. So in tune I was always a very shy and sensitive kid. I was always the shortest kid in my grade, which wouldn't matter but coupled with my other issues it was just frosting on the cake for making my life difficult. But i'm from a good background. My dad is jewish and from Yonkers, New York while my mom is italian and irish and from arthur avenue in the bronx. But both my parents are successful and i was raised in a town called Westport, Connecticut (Some of you may be familiar if youre in the area). Well anyways, my childhood was pretty dandy....for the first ten years or so. I was sensitive/shy in a way but not nearly as much as i would become after when BAM 11 years old im taking a piss in a urinal and my friend looks down at my dick and makes the claim it was small. Now I was 11 years old, hadnt got a clue what penis size indicated or anything so i said "Yeah its small"...and he was like "You admit it!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and he told the whole grade i had a small penis. Everyone laughed at me this was a really embarassing moment now bare with me i know this is sounding corny but theres a reason i must tell this part of the story of my life.
I had some more traumas and dissappointments in my life and by the time i was 14 i pretended i was black on the internet. Like i said im jewish/irish/italian....not black. And i was from the hood and i was good at everything. And everyone respected me....so this was the start of schizophrenia for me but i hadnt a clue till way later. I heard voices in high school, and did this in 95% of my free time and just completely became a paranoid schizophrenic, seperate from the real world. As my ego in real life grew smaller and smaller my fake ego became bigger and bigger. A seperation. So 18 years old started smoking pot. 18 1/2 i got arrested. Then I started drinking, smoking cigarettes and i hung out with all sorts of folks in community service i never were accustomed to hanging out with. Mostly drug users but i was a straight edge kid in high school and i wasnt used to this type of crowd. My friend from childhood who did the penis thing was the one who suggested me doing LSD.
But before LSD I would hook up with a girl who would tell me i was "perfect" and my ego became larger than life and then I fell in love with another girl and she was the one who actually gave me the LSD. And i had a trip where i thought about my "ego" and everything that was wrong with it. So the 9th time i did LSD after 8 glorious amazing trips especially the previous 3 i had.....everything went wrong. Kids broke into my house and started fucking with me, throwing knives at the wall near my head, trashing the place, stealing shit, just ruining everything with bad vibes and i was 19 years old at the time and a very underdeveloped mind.........not ready for this. This trip turned my world upside down... But that was especially so because the next day when i wanted to "fight" the kids who did this to me while really still tripping acting psychotic my friend calls me on the phone and says "YOUR EGO".....and i said "I know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and i became obsessed with the ego and why its bad. To the point i couldnt freaking survive in society.
It was not till that july (6 months later though) that i was hospitalized for the first time. I came out of the hospital and i went right back to smoking pot and quit my meds and had another psychotic episode for the first time i thought i was the chosen one. I drove my car like a maniac through rush hour traffic and all kinds of obstacles and got pulled over knocked up with a billion charges and ultimately didnt go to jail but rather got every program the state has to offer thrown at me.
So i had to do community service, DDE, DE, IOP and OP and other stuff. Like thank god for supportive parents because i dunno where id be without them. But in the DE i told the group i wanted to be a rapper, but i didnt mean it, but i like "prophesized" what i thought was my "fate"....but now i realize its not because i really suck at rapping. just have a terrible voice for it and not the flow or delivery or anything and not even that good with the lyrics either....meh i dont like it is what im saying. But like 9 weeks later i started believing strongly again i was destined to be famous, and eventually the chosen one i thought again...which ive thought 7 years later to almost this day.
But now I dont believe it but let me explain. I started going on big binges of psychedelic drugs after i thought i was the chosen one. It eventually changed to thinking i was Jesus, not the chosen one. And I thought i had to do drugs to "become" what i was meant to be or something. Bad mistake. Also became an alcoholic really badly. Struggled for years here with substance abuse but my rock bottom was may of 2014 when I took 95 mg of klonopin and 4 mg of xanax and ended up in the hospital.....a week later i took 5 grams of shrooms mixed with abilify injection, alcohol, and caffiene on the comedown and it fucked my brain so badly i cant even begin to explain. Went to rehabs, sober houses....i about had it...wanted to die... when december of 2015 my psychiatrist prescribed me naltrexone. Naltrexone----the drug that prevents opiates from working or alcoholics from enjoying alcohol, has been my savior.
Immediately i lost cravings for drugs and alcohol as well as feeling much more confidence and thickness of skin, less anxiety....remember after the previous shrooms trips i had??? I couldn't even drive after this it was so bad..horrible panic attacks just awful. 30 mg abilify and 1.5 klonopin a day wasnt doing it for me. So naltrexone though, works as an anti-psychotic, anti-depressant, pro-miracle drug....i cant even explain it. Its like magical fairies flying throughout my brain. I cant guarantee the same success for anybody but may be worth a try??? Im not sure im no doctor.
But when i started mixing naltrexone with ecstasy and weed was when i really started making huge strides. I could NOT smoke weed before naltrexone but now im a habitual pot smoker again. With time ive increased my pot habits back to where they were when i was 19/20 years old and then some.
Eventually i got prescribed zoloft so no more ecstasy and zoloft really helps too.
in 2017 i got a kitten and i made friends with my best friend who i get high with a lot...on just K and weed. We started doing K and it was inKredible we got some of the purest beautiful K and it was great....but then i started getting sick from it. Ive struggled a bit these last 2 years too, dont get me wrong, but the past 6 months or so have been particulary good to me in the grand scheme of things. Ive realized when I grind up my K down farther i no longer get sick. Stupid me i was snorting shardy K and it was making me hurl. But now that this problem is resolved I feel confident K is the answer for me in a lot of ways...especially for my depression and trauma issues. I never realized i had such bad ptsd until i got rid of it by using ketamine. and weed is a sacrament. And what do u know, K has gotten rid of my delusions that i was jesus christ. After a long time of believing that K made my delusions worse, it seems to be a magical substance that makes you believe things when you Need to believe them, and not believe them when theyre better off not for u. maybe that's a crazy statement but it feels like that.
I got a job now and im doing really good. Life is pretty remarkable. I feel a huge burden lifted off me. I think my story of recovery is pretty incredible. Words dont really do it justice the states of mind ive been in and where i am now. I was "stuck in a trip" if anybody ever was and now im completely here and doing great. I hope one day i can be a writer of some kind. I think thatd be pretty cool. Thanks for letting me share.
Well some of you may have heard chunks of my stories but after a recent ketamine binge its put it in a brand new light.
Let me start off by saying I should have never been born. My mom was 43 years old, coming off 4 miscarriages and had a bloodclot during pregnancy and i was pulled out by forceps and despite that was a very healthy baby. Or so they thought, but to me that was a huge trauma, my birth, being introduced into the world that way. So in tune I was always a very shy and sensitive kid. I was always the shortest kid in my grade, which wouldn't matter but coupled with my other issues it was just frosting on the cake for making my life difficult. But i'm from a good background. My dad is jewish and from Yonkers, New York while my mom is italian and irish and from arthur avenue in the bronx. But both my parents are successful and i was raised in a town called Westport, Connecticut (Some of you may be familiar if youre in the area). Well anyways, my childhood was pretty dandy....for the first ten years or so. I was sensitive/shy in a way but not nearly as much as i would become after when BAM 11 years old im taking a piss in a urinal and my friend looks down at my dick and makes the claim it was small. Now I was 11 years old, hadnt got a clue what penis size indicated or anything so i said "Yeah its small"...and he was like "You admit it!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and he told the whole grade i had a small penis. Everyone laughed at me this was a really embarassing moment now bare with me i know this is sounding corny but theres a reason i must tell this part of the story of my life.
I had some more traumas and dissappointments in my life and by the time i was 14 i pretended i was black on the internet. Like i said im jewish/irish/italian....not black. And i was from the hood and i was good at everything. And everyone respected me....so this was the start of schizophrenia for me but i hadnt a clue till way later. I heard voices in high school, and did this in 95% of my free time and just completely became a paranoid schizophrenic, seperate from the real world. As my ego in real life grew smaller and smaller my fake ego became bigger and bigger. A seperation. So 18 years old started smoking pot. 18 1/2 i got arrested. Then I started drinking, smoking cigarettes and i hung out with all sorts of folks in community service i never were accustomed to hanging out with. Mostly drug users but i was a straight edge kid in high school and i wasnt used to this type of crowd. My friend from childhood who did the penis thing was the one who suggested me doing LSD.
But before LSD I would hook up with a girl who would tell me i was "perfect" and my ego became larger than life and then I fell in love with another girl and she was the one who actually gave me the LSD. And i had a trip where i thought about my "ego" and everything that was wrong with it. So the 9th time i did LSD after 8 glorious amazing trips especially the previous 3 i had.....everything went wrong. Kids broke into my house and started fucking with me, throwing knives at the wall near my head, trashing the place, stealing shit, just ruining everything with bad vibes and i was 19 years old at the time and a very underdeveloped mind.........not ready for this. This trip turned my world upside down... But that was especially so because the next day when i wanted to "fight" the kids who did this to me while really still tripping acting psychotic my friend calls me on the phone and says "YOUR EGO".....and i said "I know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and i became obsessed with the ego and why its bad. To the point i couldnt freaking survive in society.
It was not till that july (6 months later though) that i was hospitalized for the first time. I came out of the hospital and i went right back to smoking pot and quit my meds and had another psychotic episode for the first time i thought i was the chosen one. I drove my car like a maniac through rush hour traffic and all kinds of obstacles and got pulled over knocked up with a billion charges and ultimately didnt go to jail but rather got every program the state has to offer thrown at me.
So i had to do community service, DDE, DE, IOP and OP and other stuff. Like thank god for supportive parents because i dunno where id be without them. But in the DE i told the group i wanted to be a rapper, but i didnt mean it, but i like "prophesized" what i thought was my "fate"....but now i realize its not because i really suck at rapping. just have a terrible voice for it and not the flow or delivery or anything and not even that good with the lyrics either....meh i dont like it is what im saying. But like 9 weeks later i started believing strongly again i was destined to be famous, and eventually the chosen one i thought again...which ive thought 7 years later to almost this day.
But now I dont believe it but let me explain. I started going on big binges of psychedelic drugs after i thought i was the chosen one. It eventually changed to thinking i was Jesus, not the chosen one. And I thought i had to do drugs to "become" what i was meant to be or something. Bad mistake. Also became an alcoholic really badly. Struggled for years here with substance abuse but my rock bottom was may of 2014 when I took 95 mg of klonopin and 4 mg of xanax and ended up in the hospital.....a week later i took 5 grams of shrooms mixed with abilify injection, alcohol, and caffiene on the comedown and it fucked my brain so badly i cant even begin to explain. Went to rehabs, sober houses....i about had it...wanted to die... when december of 2015 my psychiatrist prescribed me naltrexone. Naltrexone----the drug that prevents opiates from working or alcoholics from enjoying alcohol, has been my savior.
Immediately i lost cravings for drugs and alcohol as well as feeling much more confidence and thickness of skin, less anxiety....remember after the previous shrooms trips i had??? I couldn't even drive after this it was so bad..horrible panic attacks just awful. 30 mg abilify and 1.5 klonopin a day wasnt doing it for me. So naltrexone though, works as an anti-psychotic, anti-depressant, pro-miracle drug....i cant even explain it. Its like magical fairies flying throughout my brain. I cant guarantee the same success for anybody but may be worth a try??? Im not sure im no doctor.
But when i started mixing naltrexone with ecstasy and weed was when i really started making huge strides. I could NOT smoke weed before naltrexone but now im a habitual pot smoker again. With time ive increased my pot habits back to where they were when i was 19/20 years old and then some.
Eventually i got prescribed zoloft so no more ecstasy and zoloft really helps too.
in 2017 i got a kitten and i made friends with my best friend who i get high with a lot...on just K and weed. We started doing K and it was inKredible we got some of the purest beautiful K and it was great....but then i started getting sick from it. Ive struggled a bit these last 2 years too, dont get me wrong, but the past 6 months or so have been particulary good to me in the grand scheme of things. Ive realized when I grind up my K down farther i no longer get sick. Stupid me i was snorting shardy K and it was making me hurl. But now that this problem is resolved I feel confident K is the answer for me in a lot of ways...especially for my depression and trauma issues. I never realized i had such bad ptsd until i got rid of it by using ketamine. and weed is a sacrament. And what do u know, K has gotten rid of my delusions that i was jesus christ. After a long time of believing that K made my delusions worse, it seems to be a magical substance that makes you believe things when you Need to believe them, and not believe them when theyre better off not for u. maybe that's a crazy statement but it feels like that.
I got a job now and im doing really good. Life is pretty remarkable. I feel a huge burden lifted off me. I think my story of recovery is pretty incredible. Words dont really do it justice the states of mind ive been in and where i am now. I was "stuck in a trip" if anybody ever was and now im completely here and doing great. I hope one day i can be a writer of some kind. I think thatd be pretty cool. Thanks for letting me share.