• Bluelight
    Shrine




    A memorial
    to Bluelighters
    who have passed away

In Memoriam Captain.Heroin

I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.
 
this is making me cry. I fucking love Nirvana and Andrew is giving props excellently.
Hey thank you. I really wanted to dedicate something to him. That means a lot. This situation has been really hard on me too. We were close for awhile between last fall and until about the month before he died. We were both going through some tough shit and I feel bad that I never talked to him those last days.

He was seriously the craziest, but the most intelligent person I knew. He always thought that he wasn't any good but then there would be some hope because he'd have these glimmers of realization that he did care a lot about others and that made him a better person. He was actually really good and is one of the main ones who supported me through some major crises last fall. He'd always check in to chat. Talk about his philosophical ideologies. All this stuff. He was really cool. I miss him.
 
I've browsed this website for probably 5 years before making a account and his name always stuck out to me and seen him on plenty of helpful topics with good advice. I always tell myself with what I learned I can use drugs safely with knowledge but they can take anyone.
 
Aww, Captain! You were incredibly helpful to do many people, and I will miss you. It's sad that I've returned to BL too late to talk to you again after all these years. Peace be yours brother.
 
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Yes, It is quiet without you here. I remember your last few months. You barely posted. I wish I would have talked with you. But I had said my reception was very bad.
I want to leave more cookies or some flowers again. I know I have to let you go. I will remember you always and will never forget you either. ♡ RIP. Say hello to it all where you are at right now. Where you left us to go. Yes say hello to heaven. 🎸 Take care. You were the bomb. That is if you are really gone. I know you are. You were and are in all of our hearts however though forever. Thank you Captain for being you.
 
 
Yes, It is quiet without you here. I remember your last few months. You barely posted. I wish I would have talked with you. But I had said my reception was very bad.
I want to leave more cookies or some flowers again. I know I have to let you go. I will remember you always and will never forget you either. ♡ RIP. Say hello to it all where you are at right now. Where you left us to go. Yes say hello to heaven. 🎸 Take care. You were the bomb. That is if you are really gone. I know you are. You were and are in all of our hearts however though forever. Thank you Captain for being you.

I tried on a few occasions to reach out to him during that period. He was clearly very depressed. I wish so much that I could have helped him. :(

It's hard sometimes not to feel like I should have done more, that I let him down in some way. :(
 
As the daughter of someone who was depressed and checked out purposefully, I can tell you, no one is to blame. My dad’s boyfriend was home when it happened. I don’t blame him. He was always trying out new substances and mixing things to catch that high. I have weekly dreams that he’s still here and we’re talking.
I believe Andrew was much the same way. He’d go through periods of depression and then he’d be happy for awhile. I don’t mean to sound callous, but short of restraining him, I doubt anyone could have prevented this.
 
As the daughter of someone who was depressed and checked out purposefully, I can tell you, no one is to blame. My dad’s boyfriend was home when it happened. I don’t blame him. He was always trying out new substances and mixing things to catch that high. I have weekly dreams that he’s still here and we’re talking.
I believe Andrew was much the same way. He’d go through periods of depression and then he’d be happy for awhile. I don’t mean to sound callous, but short of restraining him, I doubt anyone could have prevented this.

Yea, part of me knows that. Part of me knows feeling guilt is just part of the whole process of grief. But it doesn't stop it from often still feeling very real, and still feeling like I should have done more, taken more time to talk to him, etc. That even if it wouldn't have changed the outcome, that I still somehow let him down in the end. :(
 
I totally get that. It took a fair amount of therapy for me to arrive at the place I am today—that is absolving myself of any guilty feelings in my dad’s suicide.
 
I remember you laughing at me singing the killers. I really looked up To you for a long time. Mixed feelings. Still a shame. I know it wasnt intentional but damn.
 
The Captain was Just a breath of fresh air for me, we could not have had more different circumstances, but both struggled with the Disease of Addiction!! I loved to see and then read his input and help to all and anyone's problems. CH was a caring soul, he will be missed! RIP , brother
 
omg he is really gone. this really is happening. i am so sorry. i didn't think it would be this way.
 
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