Benzos In dire need of advice regarding EXTREME intake of GABAergics

[DiacetylEros]

Hi all, I know I have a low post count and honestly I've been using this site for lurking for many years without contributing anything. I want to apologize for that as I really need some advice towards my situation.

Basically, and the shame I feel for developing this habit is inexplicable, I'm physically dependent on around 160-200mL of EtoH (96%) rectified spirits, around 5-10g of Phenibut, and here's the kicker; about 380mg of diazepam-equivalent benzodiazepines in the forms of alprazolam (get off street maybe 100 bars a month, which i CANNOT afford any longer), scripted 90mg/month clonazepam, probably several grams of etizolam in the last 3 months, but mainly I have been taking diclazepam as of late.

Thamkfully this habit has *only* lasted 3 months and slowly crept up on me (as any recovering GABAergic addict will know) to the point where for about 5 days I was taking 500mg of diazepam equiv in the forms of clonazepam and alprazolam, along with ~8 American drinks (18mL of pure EToH (spaced throughout the day, 2 drinks 4x a day), and ~5g phenibut.

So here's the real predicament and some questions, i have been rapidly tapering, by 40-60mg diazepam equiv, and am now at 320mg diazepam-equiv from 500mg 7 days ago. I have been taking 10 g's of phenibut (1x a day) to augment the taper, and havent been feeling too shitty minus rebound anxiety. The "real" predicament is that I have 4mg of clonazepam, ~200mg diclazepam (10x potency of diazepam, 42hr HL), and (hopefully) 120mg of alprazolam coming today (but it's up in the air cos dude is scared he might be being watched...). This amount is obviously not enough to taper as recommended per Ashton Manual, and tbh I am fucking terrified I'm gonna die. I know I got myself into this mess, and I *have* to get myself out as I start school on the 24th and CANNOT drop my classes or I will be kicked out, of school, and my home...

To sum up my supply in diazepam-equiv, i have 80mg (clon), 2000mg (diclaz), and God-Willing will have 2400mg (alpraz) = 4480mg diaz-equiv. but 2080mg diaz-equiv atm

I also have 300mg etizolam *supposedly* coming from 2 domestic vendors, but have not heard back from one for a week and suspect I got robbed (despite countless purchases) and the other I also havent heard back from, but they were out of town for the holidays until today so hopefully I'll hear something...

I can handle the phenibut w/d's at a later time as I have around 250g's and it is cheap, and I've tapered from these doses several times before with just a little insomnia and rebound anxiety relatively quickly and easily

My questions are:

1. Do you guys think I have enough supply to taper down to 60mg-diaz equiv (my rx'd dose, I don't intend to fully quit) safely?
2. Will the length of my benzo binge (3 months roughly) allow me to taper 40-60mg diazepam-equiv a day? it has so far but I'm still at a stupid high doses...
3. Would a professional detox a) be able to handle me and medicate me at these levels, b) and what are the chances of them believing my habit? (detox's also frighten the hell out of me cos last time I was at a reputed detox a girl died of a seizure from bzd w/d's during the night...)
4. If I only have the 2080 diaz-equiv (STRONG POSSIBILITY) can someone find it in there heart to help me make a taper schedule, even if it's insane drops in doses? I also need at least something to make it thru to my doc apptmnt on Feb 2.... but if someone could devise a taper schedule that really stretches out my supply, I'm confident I could find something to hold me to the doctor apptmnt. And finally,
5) Does Phenibut raise your seizure threshold?

Any help with answering ANY of these questions would be extremely appreciated, as I have honestly never been this scared in my life. I am an only child, and my father has stated numerous times he would commit suicide were I to die (I'm an ex-heroin addict, OD'd 9x...), leaving my financially-destitute (and already severely depressed) mother all alone in the world, cos her family is all dead. That thought scares me more than my own mortality, as my selfishness and stupidity would affect the only 2 people in the world who love me so severely... fuck that's depressing...

 

[speedballs_over]

I recommend you fully quit. 60-mg/Valium is a high dose. And my advices is as such.

1. Probably not without going too fast, 2. No, 3. Impossible to predict, b. Give it a try, you need medical help, obviously. 4. I can't do that, but I recommend not cutting doses more that 10%/week, I doubt you currently have the materials or the will power to do that (i'm not criticizing, benzo w/ds suck and most will do anything to avoid it at all costs.) 5. Don't know, perhaps, but we need a real informed opinion here.

Side note: you really need Valium only for this taper. But the amount is huge, relatively. I'm at 70-mg/day and my pharmacy made me sign a drug use/abuse waiver so they can't be held responsible if I misuse my meds, no big deal, you may get the same. Don't worry about it, just a thing they do...

Get help and therapy, you will survive if you get the appropriate medical help. It's out there, you found the Xannays you can find help too. If not come back and let us know... And please try to help your mother to, if you can. You have to make yourself your top priority at this stage, but perhaps you could get her to see a psych or to let her current one know she's not well. You need each other in these tough times.

Life will get better if you put in the effort. As soon as you get a doc and a good taper plan, Ashton Manual is best guidance I can suggest, throw away all your RCs and extra prescriptions. All of it. Loose the x-bar connection. Only, absolutely only, use the med your physician prescribes, as long as it's a long acting benzo and the taper is reasonable, again Aston Manual is reasonable for most if followed correctly. Not too fast and start at a true Valium or clonazepam equivalent.

 

[dmtmixalis]

That's an awful lot of gabaloving you've got going there. I would recommend kicking the booze and lowering your benzo dose to the lowest you can manage without unbearable anxiety first. If you pm me I can draw you up a taper

 

[deos68]

gabaloving for damn sure
i would talk to a detox center and see what they say
you got quite a situation on your hands

 

[Zerwas]

Yeah, thats quite a habit.
You will need professional help with that due to the potential dangers. I'd also quit the booze and proceed like dmtmixalis said.
Also switch to a long acting benzo instead of the Xanax and maybe taper the Phenibut down.
My opinion is that this level of addiction is impossible to beat alone at home and because of potential seizures I would recommend a supervised detox at a professional facility.
Talk to your physician first and he can refer you to the adequate places.

All the best.

Z

 

[ovo1024]

Wow, do you remember anything in the past 3 months? Combini that much benzos and alcohol daily seems like a sure fire way to erase ones memory.

 

[DiacetylEros]

I really appreciate the effort you put into this post, made me shed tears the entire time I've been writing this.. cos you/I are right about the damage I've brought my family. I've put them thru 9 Heroin OD's, 4 serious involving aspiration into my lungs, 5k+ in theft (tho not recently, doesn't change a thing regardless), 10k+ in legal fees, 2 years of them driving 4 hrs to see me in prison blues for 2 hrs (2x/month), and now this horror of this bridge to cross. My ma has endometriosis and there was a 10 % chance of conception, so I feel like I've survived all this adversity against me, and I refuse to let this be the end of me and my family. You're right 100% about what I should do. And thankfully my moms and receiving professional help for 8 years, and she's doing better, minus worrying about my foolish self and actions.

I really do appreciate the answers to the questions that I posed , and figured some of those would be unanswerable just based on variables that even I don't remember. But I figured I might as well ask.


Unfortunately, I know none of the psychiatrists in the area would be willing to prescribe enough valium to taper per tbe Ashton manual, and the fact that I'm prescribed buprenorphine does not help at all in terms of me being prescribed large (or small, several times a week prescriptions) amounts of Valium for a taper, they will asume i am abusing it. I already made several calls and got the same answer each time.
I will make more calls to farther away docs, and maybe I'll at least get some legitimate medical information. Although they're all probably just going to say go to a detox center, which leads me back to the dilemma being on Suboxone and detox is not gonna accept me.. and I'm simply unwilling to go through opioid and severe benzodiazepine withdrawals at the same time. The agony and anxiety associated with that would be too much for me to bear, as they're both protracted withdrawals from hell.. Plus I feel the only reason I've been clean for a year and a half is I'm on Suboxone, and I have legitimate anxiety which causes me great pain in my stomach so I need to be on some benzodiazepine and klonopin has been the only medication that consistently has worked for me because I tried everything else, and I tried everything else before that, everything from SSRIs, to tricyclic ad's, buspirone , gabapentin, clonidine, tegretol, pregabalin ... You get the picture I hope.



Frankly, I'm lucky I have my psychiatrist who is educated enough to realize that 3 milligrams of klonopin a day with 8 milligrams of buprenorphine isn't going to cause significant respiratory depression, as I've called around to psychiatrist that specialize in addiction, detox centers, etcetera and they have all told me the fact that I'm on buprenorphine makes it impossible for them to taper me because I am at risk for ' respiratory depression', which is a load of horseshit cuz Bupe is only a partial agonist and one of the parts of the mu opiate receptor that bupe doesn't touch ( or very mildly touches) is the part of the receptor responsible for control of respiration (*PLEASE correct me if I am wrong*). It's frustrating

But like I said, I'll call around again today to different places this morning when the offices open today, as it's 6 am here.
. I got about 5 hours sleep, which is preferable to nothing, as I was typing this out or I would have responded sooner to your very long detailed post that was very heartfelt and genuine.

But anyways, my point is it is very unlikely I am going to get a prescription for diazepam that will actually help me taper at a reasonable level.

However, I am grateful and proud to say that I only ingested 300 mg of diazepam equivalent today, and I feel fine, good even. So that makes me grateful to God, or whatever. I'm also thankful that I was only really using heavy for about 21 days, and I think that's why I've been able to taper so quickly.

Also, good karma must be coming around from another life, I swear, because tis life I've done nothing but create destruction in the lives of many people. But a good friend of mine irl came over today to hang out and i confided in him my fears and predicament. He happened to have 2 old scripts one for 60 2mg ativan and one for 90 60mg gabapentin.
I asked him for nothing, but I guess he sensed I was being real with him and not on some junky shit and just gave them to me. I offered him money but he wouldn't accept it, that's some real shit! so I feel a lot safer with the gabapentin and another hopefully 5-7 days to figure things out.

Again, I wanted to give you a detailed thank you cos you're post was both very informational and detailed and helpful, and it also made me look at things a little bit differently in terms of the way my actions affect others. Plus, I thought no one was going to respond at all. So you have my gratitude.

 

[DiacetylEros]

Gah sorry for the double poat, and i was attempting to respond directly to speedballs over, but I'm still figuring out the intricacies of using BL. If a mod could delete the first post and "respond" the edited post to Speedballs_over I'd appreciate it. Also thank you all for your support and advice. Going to start calling new places now as it's 930am and that's when docs all open here.

 

[DiacetylEros]

Still kicking finally got my alcohol use (down to 3 drinks a day) pheni (6g/day), and benzo taper is at 7mg clonazepam/alprazolam and lowering slowly and safely. Feeling surprisingly well, a little bit of anxiety between doses but no brain zaps, extreme, anxiety or seizures (thank whatever...). Just an update for anyone who might have been concerned, cos I know it's been a while since my last post.