In a funk

[rick24wag]

Hello I've been a member here a while but haven't posted much. I'm married, 43, have great wife and kids. I was an engineer before I got into a car accident and got prescribed lots of oxy. I tried to quit but settled for suboxone. Dr made me stop taking benzo I was prescribed for 15 years for anxiety and that was really awful for a year. Now I'm better some but I'm not consistent. I don't feel passion or much happiness. I don't get that up or down. Just blah. Don't care about sex, no big motivation, not much happiness. It's hard because I have 2 middle school girls and I'm not there as much as I would of this never happened. I feel for my wife whos really stood by me but I fear I've done permanent damage to our marriage. If I could just snap out of this. I take 16 mg suboxone and 60 mg Adderall for ADHD but also because I had no energy. It really doesn't do anything to me anymore. I feel like my brain is blocking everything good or bad. I've done coke, alcohol, weed and feel almost nothing from it. I can go to sleep after using an Adderall. I don't have illegal drugs often I seriously just wanted to see if they had an effect which they didn't. 8 months ago I started exercising and I felt great for the first time in 2 years but last week I just crashed and have had no energy. I sleep for 16 hours straight and can't get up. It really sucks and I hate it. I really want to try ayhiwaska to just reboot and work my issues. Just I can't afford 6k to get there. I thick any suicide a lot but I wouldn't do it. I do love my kids a lot and couldn't do that to them but I had to get better. I've tried everything, counseling, NA, psy, meds, you name it. This latest chose cycle is bad because I thought I'd overcome something so falling back is hard.

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Hi rick24wag,

It sounds like you have a great deal to live for. The amount of people I see come through the forums that got denied of benzos is incredible, and I hope you find some relief in your time on Bluelight. Even if this forum doesn't give you the answer to your problems, you will find a lot of like-minds and hopefully be able to feel like this is a home away from home.

A lot of us are in funks as well, and maybe checking out the Sober Living or Mental Health sub-forum would benefit you. We can't advise you on any medications to take, but you can ask any questions you want and will receive a lot of support over there. Working out is a great option.. don't give up man you have a lot to live for.

Welcome to Bluelight

Best,
madness00

 

[Automator]

Curious, what benzo did you quit and how did you do it?

You’re saying you still feel the effects a year later or am I misreading that?

Your story sounds similar to mine. Hang around a bit. We’re all family here.

 

[rick24wag]

Hi rick24wag,

It sounds like you have a great deal to live for. The amount of people I see come through the forums that got denied of benzos is incredible, and I hope you find some relief in your time on Bluelight. Even if this forum doesn't give you the answer to your problems, you will find a lot of like-minds and hopefully be able to feel like this is a home away from home.

Thanks I'm much better today. I find that exercise helps so much. I forced myself to run the last week and it really makes a huge different. I can't recommend it enough. My issue is I'll do it for months straight and feel great and if I stop for more then a week I can slip into a funk with a cloudy head ache and no energy. As soon as I exercise again after 4 days I'm better but still I feel while I'm on subs I'll never be my best. I just don't have time to deal with any sickness but I'm going to really slowly taper and exercise and I'm researching micro dosing as well. Hopefully it'll happen cause subs are not the long term fix

 

[rick24wag]

Curious, what benzo did you quit and how did you do it?

You’re saying you still feel the effects a year later or am I misreading that?

Your story sounds similar to mine. Hang around a bit. We’re all family here.

So here is a longer version of my story. I did more then my share of drugs in high school (weed, acid, meth, blow) but finally moved to go to school and they got me out of that bad scene.

Graduated and became an engineer, got married, happy but had anxiety since quitting meth and some depression but exercise seemed to really help that but at work I'd get these panic attacks and just start sweeting. They only last 15 minutes but they happened if I had to present in meetings or other social settings with people I didn't know. If I knew the person and were friends I was fine. I just never knew when it would happen and it was so obvious that when I'd sweat it just made me more anxious. I hated it so my psy finally put me on adavan at age 26.

It was a miracle. I'd take one and I never got high or felt any pleasure from them. I never got why people liked them but I never had panic attacks but I had to take them everyday. After a few years I took 3-4mg a day.

These were the happiest days of my life. I was very successful in my career, I had a gorgeous awesome wife, big group of good friends, nice home, just got my daughter then a 2nd girl.

I always used alcohol to help with social situations so when I felt good I enjoyed myself too much. I didn't want it to end. I never got in trouble or arrested for too but I could have hundreds of times. Made bad decisions and my wife asked to me quit drinking when I was about 35.

I didn't want to but I did. I went to the dentist and got pain pills for a root canal. I liked those and soon after got into a car accident. I could now go to any Dr so I went to a pain Dr and he hooked me up with tons. I was addicted fast and about 2 years later I wanted to quit but it was h hard. I really became a mess. It took my soul and I felt awful so they put me on subs. I felt great but I had to stop atavan with a 5 day taper. A week later I was off atavan and on 16 mg of subs.

I felt so awful I couldn't leave my bed for 4 months. It was a nightmare x 100. Pure and total suffering in a haze of pain and despair. My family was very supportive but it really strained my marriage. I got laid off from work. It sucked. This was 4 years ago. Nothing helped maybe 4 or 5 months later I woke up one day and went outside and the haze lifted some which was great because I needed to know I'd get better or else I wouldn't make it. I did want to kill myself during those 4 months and had to be hospitalized in a drug/mental hospital but it was nice not awful at all.

Still it took at least a year to 18 months before I felt stable. Awful depression and no joy. I didn't laugh for so long. My life was almost perfect in a way and to fall so fast was like a huge tragedy in my eyes. Guilt, regret, shame, all the classics. Worst was my kids lived in my house but I didn't see them much. They were young but they knew things were not right. They are at aunt A students and wonderful people so I don't think much harm was done since ive been been very open with them.

It been 4 years of benzodiazepines and I'm still on subs and I take Adderall. I own my own company and thimgs are much better but I'm still not where I want to be. Hopefully I'll get of subs since I know they have changed me. I wish I went cold turkey on them like I did the benzo.

Benzos really helped me with anxiety but I don't have the anxiety anymore. I think with age and confidence it will go away but if I was getting off benzos today I'd taper slowly and exercise. Exercise is the best fix for benzos. When I worked out or ran daily I didn't need as many benzos. It really works. It's really hard if you feel like shit but after 3 or 4 days it makes a huge difference. Just force yourself and say I feel like shot anyway why not go run for 35 minutes and see our it helps. Do it for 5 days straight and I promise it'll help a lot. I have lots of anger towards the pharmaceutical industry. I've done almost every street drug except heroin and crack and none of them came close to the pain that legal prescribed pills caused me. Biggest irony in my life but now that I know what I do it's not surprising. I'm certain if you exercised and ate right you could kick benzos in a few months. I really wish you the best.

 

[Love&Opiates]

So here is a longer version of my story. I did more then my share of drugs in high school (weed, acid, meth, blow) but finally moved to go to school and they got me out of that bad scene.

Graduated and became an engineer, got married, happy but had anxiety since quitting meth and some depression but exercise seemed to really help that but at work I'd get these panic attacks and just start sweeting. They only last 15 minutes but they happened if I had to present in meetings or other social settings with people I didn't know. If I knew the person and were friends I was fine. I just never knew when it would happen and it was so obvious that when I'd sweat it just made me more anxious. I hated it so my psy finally put me on adavan at age 26.

It was a miracle. I'd take one and I never got high or felt any pleasure from them. I never got why people liked them but I never had panic attacks but I had to take them everyday. After a few years I took 3-4mg a day.

These were the happiest days of my life. I was very successful in my career, I had a gorgeous awesome wife, big group of good friends, nice home, just got my daughter then a 2nd girl.

I always used alcohol to help with social situations so when I felt good I enjoyed myself too much. I didn't want it to end. I never got in trouble or arrested for too but I could have hundreds of times. Made bad decisions and my wife asked to me quit drinking when I was about 35.

I didn't want to but I did. I went to the dentist and got pain pills for a root canal. I liked those and soon after got into a car accident. I could now go to any Dr so I went to a pain Dr and he hooked me up with tons. I was addicted fast and about 2 years later I wanted to quit but it was h hard. I really became a mess. It took my soul and I felt awful so they put me on subs. I felt great but I had to stop atavan with a 5 day taper. A week later I was off atavan and on 16 mg of subs.

I felt so awful I couldn't leave my bed for 4 months. It was a nightmare x 100. Pure and total suffering in a haze of pain and despair. My family was very supportive but it really strained my marriage. I got laid off from work. It sucked. This was 4 years ago. Nothing helped maybe 4 or 5 months later I woke up one day and went outside and the haze lifted some which was great because I needed to know I'd get better or else I wouldn't make it. I did want to kill myself during those 4 months and had to be hospitalized in a drug/mental hospital but it was nice not awful at all.

Still it took at least a year to 18 months before I felt stable. Awful depression and no joy. I didn't laugh for so long. My life was almost perfect in a way and to fall so fast was like a huge tragedy in my eyes. Guilt, regret, shame, all the classics. Worst was my kids lived in my house but I didn't see them much. They were young but they knew things were not right. They are at aunt A students and wonderful people so I don't think much harm was done since ive been been very open with them.

It been 4 years of benzodiazepines and I'm still on subs and I take Adderall. I own my own company and thimgs are much better but I'm still not where I want to be. Hopefully I'll get of subs since I know they have changed me. I wish I went cold turkey on them like I did the benzo.

Benzos really helped me with anxiety but I don't have the anxiety anymore. I think with age and confidence it will go away but if I was getting off benzos today I'd taper slowly and exercise. Exercise is the best fix for benzos. When I worked out or ran daily I didn't need as many benzos. It really works. It's really hard if you feel like shit but after 3 or 4 days it makes a huge difference. Just force yourself and say I feel like shot anyway why not go run for 35 minutes and see our it helps. Do it for 5 days straight and I promise it'll help a lot. I have lots of anger towards the pharmaceutical industry. I've done almost every street drug except heroin and crack and none of them came close to the pain that legal prescribed pills caused me. Biggest irony in my life but now that I know what I do it's not surprising. I'm certain if you exercised and ate right you could kick benzos in a few months. I really wish you the best.

I don't know the rules very well here so hopefully this doesn't break any but I've struggled w anxiety & depression all my life. I'm in great shape now thanks to a good psychiatrist & antidepressant (plus adderall and klonopin for panic attacks) . Maybe you should see a dr. And talk about an antidepressant.

 

[NadyaMaude]

truly nothing beats a great psychiatrist that knows their shit and has no judgement or shame to sling around. Unmitigated stress with no treatment can lead to all the shitty things we expect it to-- health issues, depression, addiction, yadda yadda. Psychiatrists know this. Panic attacks are the absolute worst things I have ever experienced. Offering support and there is always hope! Benzodiazepines saved me life. I would never taper without medical advice... just my experience but it makes all the world of difference to get a great doctor.