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Venting i'm done

morpheuspapaverus

Moderator: BDD, OD
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Feb 12, 2018
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2,461
all this time I lied to myself that i'm not depressed, not anxious, I got no issue beside the addiction, I'm a fuctional addict.

well now I wish I would fucking die, although I will not do this, all this loneliness got me to the end of my powers, this job sucks the life out of me, it's a stupid 9 to 5 office job whch requires no logical thinking and mental challenges, I am trying to learn more and more about programming everyday to get out of this shithole

I recently dropped out of my 3rd uni, I will try to get the job I want without a degree

but the past month I've been dosing huge doses of 1000-1200-1500mg tramadol, between 1-3 mg alprazolam and sometimes oxy.

I got no one, I swear fucking no one, I may get in social contact at work or may talk to a chick or two on tinder sometimes, but I miss having a special link with someone, I feel like an useless piece of shit really, all day I'm by myself, noding off, listening to hip hiop, trying to learn some programming and that's it, maybe go for a walk or eat out in the town, but still by myself, I moved to this town last fall, I used to love to be alone but now I think it got to me in a hard way

day over day over day, I'm sick of it, if there wouldn't be a precious person which is my mom which sacrified and went through hell to help me out in every situation I would seriously kill myself. some days I barely can motivate msyelf to get out of bed beside work, I don't know what to do anymore, maybe I'll shutdown and isolate myself even more out of everyone and everything and feed my stupid little brain with all these chemicals to give it this safe fake haven it requires.

sorry for the rant or if it doesn't make sense, I didn't have who to share it with so that's why I resorted to TDS, anyway, I'm done.
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
1,470
@ " but the past month I've been dosing huge doses of 1000-1200-1500mg tramadol, between 1-3 mg alprazolam and sometimes oxy. "

that's too much drugs baby. you are breaking your brain and you won't be able to fix it if you don't just stop !! or at least learn to cut back for christ ! and don't do so much.
you are doing too much and breaking your brain. that's the problem not your life.

you aren't going through anything that anyone else hasn't gone through except if you keep on taking too many drugs it's going to make everything worse and ruin everything.

life is tough for everyone ! and someday you will appreciate life and all of that but not if you keep taking too many drugs. it will make your brain so very depressed that you will just die like that. and if thats what you want then so be it.
start by cutting back. life will always be difficult and someday you will make it through everything. i promise.

oops sorry for the lecture.
but try doing less once in a while. life is short and its not always going to be happy.
but if you want, you can always make it the best that you can !

i want to die too, but i can't figure out a way to do it. but i have so much to be able to appreciate. why hurt others with something so terrible. maybe we can all help each other and feel better that way somehow.
maybe we can realize that we are all out here too and want to be better somehow someday and will actually be able to by finding something that can actually help. maybe there is actually a way to make the pain go away and help.
maybe its true. or maybe there are only bits and pieces of it and thats it. maybe there are others out there that are really happy. maybe all it takes is to quit the drugs or stop taking too many.
maybe there are people that really do find happiness. if not then maybe we have to find a way to defeat this.
if, not then this is just what we all go through.
sorry. be strong be brave and things aren't what they always seem to be. the grass is bout the same everywhere. well. . . if you read all of this you should be about in withdrawal now. ♡ please take care ! fellow bl member.
 

morpheuspapaverus

Moderator: BDD, OD
Staff member
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Messages
2,461
Thanks hylight, will try to cut down little by little, I just don't know how to reintegrate in society I swear
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
1,470
you don't. it seems. it's just the way the world is NOW. it helps if you CAN find someone or others to be happy with.
but when you do it usually doesn't last long for logicl reasons or another. so you have to hold on to whatever happiness that you can. it isn't part of life. it is something that you make part of life. it is never there to begin with. it's about the hard effort to get there. everyone wants a perfect life but something will always get in the way at some point and time.
then it has to be repaired but sometimes it just feels good to just get away from what has been already so fucked beyond fixing.
it's a horrible desperate feeling that alot of us think that we shouldn't have but it is all completely normal and the trick is to just stay calm and get through it all. make. it. happen. !! c'mon you know you want to. and if you don't. well. . . then just don't.
 

Shady's Fox

Bluelight Crew
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Messages
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Location
Palm trees & sea, just walkin along the beach.
morph, it sounds like you are living in a loop and looking for a way to break it, you think that having a relationship could help, no it doesn't at all, what you can do, that what's matters. Your antourage should be filled with ppl that you can count when you don't have a bed or where to shower, you get my point, with ppl you call ''brothers'' and when you will get a bit older you will learn that having a true friend at 30yrs old it's a blessing. So.. travel, love your hobbies, love yourself.
 

morpheuspapaverus

Moderator: BDD, OD
Staff member
Joined
Feb 12, 2018
Messages
2,461
yeah that's the best way to describe it, I don't refer especially to a relationship with having that special link, just a real friend, I moved in this town last fall, 70% of my friends are in my last city 20% in another one and 7%in my homtown 3% in the UK and Germany, so I am looking more so for a brother, I don't think a girl could handle me at the moment anyway, I'm at 21, I would really love to make it in rap, I love making beats and writing witty stuff, but I'm also attracted to OOP programmng, so I think I'm gonna get a career and IT and fund some hip hop projects later when I got the cash. but right now I just want to get the fuck out of this loop
 

mal3volent

Moderator: TDS, S&G, TL
Staff member
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Messages
8,420
all this time I lied to myself that i'm not depressed, not anxious, I got no issue beside the addiction, I'm a fuctional addict.

well now I wish I would fucking die, although I will not do this, all this loneliness got me to the end of my powers, this job sucks the life out of me, it's a stupid 9 to 5 office job whch requires no logical thinking and mental challenges, I am trying to learn more and more about programming everyday to get out of this shithole

I recently dropped out of my 3rd uni, I will try to get the job I want without a degree

but the past month I've been dosing huge doses of 1000-1200-1500mg tramadol, between 1-3 mg alprazolam and sometimes oxy.

I got no one, I swear fucking no one, I may get in social contact at work or may talk to a chick or two on tinder sometimes, but I miss having a special link with someone, I feel like an useless piece of shit really, all day I'm by myself, noding off, listening to hip hiop, trying to learn some programming and that's it, maybe go for a walk or eat out in the town, but still by myself, I moved to this town last fall, I used to love to be alone but now I think it got to me in a hard way

day over day over day, I'm sick of it, if there wouldn't be a precious person which is my mom which sacrified and went through hell to help me out in every situation I would seriously kill myself. some days I barely can motivate msyelf to get out of bed beside work, I don't know what to do anymore, maybe I'll shutdown and isolate myself even more out of everyone and everything and feed my stupid little brain with all these chemicals to give it this safe fake haven it requires.

sorry for the rant or if it doesn't make sense, I didn't have who to share it with so that's why I resorted to TDS, anyway, I'm done.
Maybe you don't like your job but at least you HAVE a steady job man. You're young you don't have to be in a relationship. That's something you can work on. Just because you don't have anyone now doesn't mean that will always be the case.

Sometimes you gotta be your own best friend. You have interests and a passion for music, there's nothing wrong with leaning on that when your social life might be lacking.

As long as you are being productive in some way, moving forward in some aspect of your life, you are on the right track. Just keep going and eventually things will fall into place.
 

PtahTek

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 18, 2018
Messages
1,228
Location
Onda Cona
I posted somewhere about supportive family/friends and job... after thinking on that later in the evening; seems I have one (maybe two) friend/s, no family but do have a job. That job has pulled me outta some messy ass funks in the last few years. It is evident in your communications that this is not the end... there is a long road ahead so get low and dig in. :)
Man, I am not sure what to say. Wait the darkness out as surely the sun will shine again.
Not sure your age (i see now ~21) and doesnt matter but personally that doom is my companion now... I always feel a sense of imminent "disintegration": If this doom wanst bout I would really start to worry. Specially after things have been going well for any stretch of time. Always, "WTF is next?"
What is your dream job... and as stated: Not always is a SO going to provide purpose, dependabilty or promise of rose gardens. One maybe has to put it in the "balance" and work out if it's a liability or asset.
Time will tell all and my hopes are that we see more posts as I see them as having sustenance, mostly.
Cant say we are "friends" but by fucking god if we were to meet up in a dark ally together somewhere I wouldn't be your foe. I base this on common denominators. Numerators may differ but thats the shit that makes us shine as individuals.
Does one care for opera? Whats the think about the fat lady singing... i would need a harem of em to dirge my death or announce that they have sung.... ahahahaha
Ya got something good coming to ya... bad things happen to good people somethings... so does good things. ;)
bless
 
Last edited:

schizopath

Bluelighter
Joined
May 10, 2019
Messages
1,542
Location
Dimension XYZÖ where I paint the skyline
I feel you dude. I have friends in 2 different towns and fucking none in my own village. That shit fucks one up.

Btw, its propably for the best if you try to keep the rapping as a passion/side-project, since you might lose the flame if you did it as a job :S

Seriously cut down the daily drug consumption. Its gonna haunt you in ten years if you dont.
 

morpheuspapaverus

Moderator: BDD, OD
Staff member
Joined
Feb 12, 2018
Messages
2,461
the problem is that there are some weeks where I do absolutely nothing beside work, no learning no nothng and those weeks drive me to the edge everytime, I am not as productive 100% of the time as you would thnk

and thanks guys for the support, I love you BL, all of you little fucks <3
 

schizopath

Bluelighter
Joined
May 10, 2019
Messages
1,542
Location
Dimension XYZÖ where I paint the skyline
If it bothers you I think you should try to change it. You program projects? Could you talk to your boss about having like some weekly maximum hour limit?

Do you see yourself having a future with your current job? If youre gonna spend half of your life working I think youd better love your job or get a fat ass check atleast.
 

Benzorider

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 17, 2004
Messages
913
Location
Sweden
the problem is that there are some weeks where I do absolutely nothing beside work, no learning no nothng and those weeks drive me to the edge everytime, I am not as productive 100% of the time as you would thnk

and thanks guys for the support, I love you BL, all of you little fucks <3
Maybe you are using drugs becasue your tired and understimulated.. I did many times anyway. Especially tramadol becasue of the antidepressant effects, just to make it bearable..

Maybe you should taper down on tramadol to around 300 mg a day at first and start to look for other jobs or sources of i come?
 

PtahTek

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 18, 2018
Messages
1,228
Location
Onda Cona
He's fuckin bored with it all, mates. At least it seems to me....
Programming/coding looked a little interesting some time ago but couldn't for the life of me see myself sitting at a KB all freakin' day. So ditched it in the middle of first year college.
Feeling stagnant? If there is no-one about to push your limits maybe push your own and try something unfamiliar? OK... I started tech related work by reinstalling OSes on PC/Mac/Linux. Got bored with it real quick. Started replacing screens. Then HDDs. Fllowed by graphics/RAM/PCUs and other misc. hardware. Then I pushed it to include most other electronic devices (phones/tablets/all-in-ones/wireless switches/TVs/gaming-consoles blah blah blah). Even purchased a re-flow station to repair/replace charge ports and integrate PCBs. Got bored with all this as well; there is seeming no end to the growth in this field unless it all crashes.
Next endeavor is to help SO list her hand-made jewelry online (prolly ebay) and get it sold off. May sound a simple task but posting decent photos, exact details and relevant info is key to discourage scammers and can be a challenge. I sold off a lot of laptops and didn't have an issue... cept the first one which MF tried to get me but ended up fucking himself.
Ahhh... sorry: This isn't about me. Just trying to offer what helps me with boredom sometimes.
It may or not work for everyone but getting outside ones comfort zone and pushing limits leaves one open to growth and a fleeting sense of satisfaction. JME.
Best always,
PT
 

PtahTek

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 18, 2018
Messages
1,228
Location
Onda Cona
I am sick of being alone all thw time
I suggest an older person as there is less drama, not as "needy", more appreciative and maturity.
Now... where to acquire this person is another story.
Bars and such are good for quick hook-ups (or used to be) but mostly dead-ends after a bit. Are there any tech-related expos or the like around your area? Maybe browse more than the hardware presented?
Do you have a pet, bro?
Not saying this is you, morph; but a lot of people these days do not have the skills necesary to sustain a long-lasting meaningful relationship. Do not know if you ever been in one but I can vouch that it is indeed a lot of sacrifice, stress about others safety/well-being, compromise, power-struggles, money-issues, doing shit one would rather not (basically giving up a life to take on another). It's not all bad, of course... just what some would rather not have to deal with.
What "kind" of person could you give all for?
You want long-term or just a series of short term comfort sessions?
 

Hylight

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 4, 2019
Messages
1,470
And I don't want to cut my drug intake, being doing this for 7+ years, in 3 months it's my 8th year
start smoking weed with someone sometime or two or three people. its a riot like the joe rogan show. its hilarious and you can learn from each others stoner story's and talking bout it. but weed isn't really a drug and it isn't about that. its just fun sitting around sometime laughing, talking and smoking ♡.
and it helps alot too with trying not to take too many pills. . .
 

morpheuspapaverus

Moderator: BDD, OD
Staff member
Joined
Feb 12, 2018
Messages
2,461
I quit smoking weed a month and a half ago, maybe 2, it just made me inproductive and I have more weed smoking years than opioid ones.

I am not necessarly looking for a relationship, with the special link I meant anybody, even a brother. I had multiple serious relationships and twice as many unserious ones.

I really feel shitty for the days when I do nothing, now I downloaded more C# books so I keep learning, but I get soooo easily distracted.

honestly I think this year will be a crossroad type of situation, let's hope I get on the good path
 
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