yes, i have post dramatic stress, due to my first ever psychosis, but when i zone out i dont think of scary events of flash backs
just random events like, how i spent 2 hours playing an online game the day before and got my high score recorded
i think this is also the reason why ive never had a real job in life, everyone tells me that i work too slow, or that i learn too slow
but in reality im just zoning out most of the time
now that i realized it, i zoned out for 10 minutes while typing this msg lol
i think i need some sort of professional in real life with a degree in judging to tell me what i have
I feel for you man, and I've been there too. When I was 19-20 I had a period where I wa absolutely the slowest person on the job too. Later in life I was 25-26 anf I was running 5 machines, 2 lines in a factory on my own making transmision parts for GM and my boss would brag about me, even though I was missing so many days due to my drug use and bipolar which wasnt being taken care of. I couldnt find a family doctor in Guelph, ON for 6 months until a rapid access addicion clinic opened up and someone took me on. I finally left my job sick leave because I was psychotic on meth and my biolar was out of control. I found my family doctor on Feb 2, 2018, I left my job Feb 1. The stigma is real trying to find a doctor when you're mentally ill and / or on drugs.
It was sad and for 2 years after that I was slow, apathetic, barely able to function, and just kind of sucked at everything again until I turned 28. Then I started to pick up in life again, and fall, anf pick up again, and fall. Now I'm starting to do better again and I have a job part time as a construction labourer and I work my as off when Im on the job.
I've had periods of my life where I'm a fantastic worker and liked by my supervisors. I went to college for CNC machine operation and other than the transmission parts, before I even went to college for it I spent 2 years running a sugical blade operation. I was taught the be a CNC setup operator, 4-axis CNC surgical blade opertion and I can honestly say I was very good at my job. I'm responsible for millions of surgical scalpel blades out in the world, possibly some to this day since this was only sbout 5 years ago and who knows how many of those millions get used per year you know?
Then I left after a year to go to rehab because I was kidnapped and raped by some crack dealer who took me around all these payday loan stores taking out the money and giving him the money. He got like 2 grand and I had 200 bucks, went to detox where he was still trying to contact me using my guitar as collateral to come back out but I skipped town and went to rehab for 4.5 months. I don't want to talk about the details of the rape too much, but basically in the middle of this I was overdosed on methadone and made to do things I'd never do until I stopped breathing.. the next day I was being dissed and he abducted me to all these payday loan stores saying "ODing in my house costs extra. This story destroys me to tell, and it's not even my worst.
I went back to work and was fuckin awesome again, sober 10 months, didnt smoke, saved 5 grand in 6 months, was going to college in the morning after my night shift on the blades and I scored a 97 in biology and was sitting at a 98 in chemistry.. top of my class by far and doing great at work on the blades.
Then my mental health started to deteriorate, I started drinking, I started a paxil script which made me feel like I was rolling on E for some fuckin weird reason so I stopped giving a fuck. I binged, missed work, sucked at my job some days, then one night I was all fucked up and called some girl a cunt at the bar and got punch out with my front tooth knocked totally loose. I called my supervisor crying the next day and told her I had to resign, I needed help again. Instead of getting the help I went on a coke and drinking binge, I dropped out of life totally, left my place and went on to be homeless all summer 2015 couch surfing and playing guitar in front of the LCBO (liquor store in ontario) and playing in bars. I played with a jazz band a couple nights in Sauble Beach and I went fucking crazy. I was on a manic high living life, then the panic attacks and the depression started, then I wound up at my "buddies" place shooting morphine and heroin until all the money I saved and made busking was gone. Blew through 7-8 grand rent free couch surfing in 2 months tops.
I wound up in rehab again, and had to pick up my life again. I sucked for awhile totally, dropped 2 jobs due to depression and anxiety within 2 weeks, then I started to to well again.
And the cycle continues.
It's an up and down battle when you have mental health problems and I fully support you getting some help and figuring out whats going on. From the sounds of it you have PTSD, a psychotic ptoblem, possibly ADD or schizoaffective? I dont know and I'm not qualified to diagnose, but if you ever need to talk I'm here and I can support you getting through some help and counseling and finding yourself and your energy. I promise its in there somewhere, people do get better. You just need to stay on top of it now the best you can since you've now recognized the problem and want help.
I think I know a little bit how you feel and I'm here brother. You can do this. Feel free to drop me a PM anytime, I do care for the people on this site and some joking around sometimes aside (were a bunch of fucked up drug users after all) , I'm here to promote harm reduction and peer support anyway I can. Drop me a line and keep us updated. We do care for you and how you do. We'll help you any way to not become a part of the shrine, that's a promise.
