Sad I wish i can go back in time.

[iLoveLucy999]

I'm sure everyone feels like this at some point in their lives...

I wish I can go back in time to when I was a kid and make better decisions. I am still young 24 and ive never had anything super tragic happen to me but yet I'm constantly feel like I fucked up my life with the decisions ive made and feel like I could have made things way easier for myself. Ive always just made excuses for who i am and told myself that this is who im supposed to be and theres nothing i can do about it and i can't change. But its not until its too late that you realize you could have done things different but you chose not to. My life has just been nothing but shame and embarrassment and isolation.

I smoked a lot of wax and maybe some people can handle it but it completely destroyed me. I first started out just smoking weed with friends which started like late 2016 and then I started smoking weed and/or wax everyday like late 2017 up until late 2019 just a few months ago. And I would also consume edible every two weeks or so. I stopped because my mind and my body could not handle it. I was getting real bad sinus problems and I had to take antibiotics and sudafed and stuff like that and then I got really weird stomach problems from those that haven't went away yet and its been like 6 month's and my sinuses are still bothering me.

The past six months have been tough for me. Nothing but stress and discomfort and depression and just wanting to feel normal again. I can't think the same I can't talk the same, I'm always nervous, I can't enjoy the things I used to enjoy and I haven't smoked in months. My everyday life is constantly disrupted by the discomfort and stress and resistance I feel

Smoking really messed with my mind and just made it harder for me to deal with the stress of these physical problems that resulted from it. I'm now just consumed by all the conspiratorial devil mind control thoughts and spiritual contemplations that dominated my thought process that whole time i was smoking. I keep feeling like ive been tricked by the devil and am being tormented by demons or something cuz thats what it feels like. And it pushed me into such a state of guilt and fear and shame that I ended up confessing stuff to certain people that was really personal to me and thought that i would never tell anybody and now I just regret it and wish I had never told them and now I feel like my life is ruined cuz of it and I'm going to be focusing on that my entire life. I thought that if I told these people these personal things about me that I would feel better physically because I thought that I was a bad person for keeping these things to myself and that God was punishing me for it. But of course once I told them nothing changed. I was just left feeling more stupid and defeated than before. And now a very ugly side to me is revealed to people who didn't need to know that about me in the first place.

I haven't had a job in over a year. I had goals that I wanted to achieve with my music and I feel like I could have done so much by now if I hadn't wasted so much time smoking and not caring about my well being and mental health. It made my social anxiety so much worse to the point where I can't even talk to my own family anymore cuz I'm too nervous and it made me not wanna do anything but completely isolate myself and stay in my room all day watching youtube videos.

I had so much potential and extraordinary talent and I feel like so much of that has been taken from me through all of this. I am reduced to such a low state that has me in constant perpetual turmoil and doubt and low self confidence.

All I think about now is how much I want to go back to when I was a kid when things were simpler and more comfortable and I was actually able to enjoy things and feel a sense of calmness. I could have avoided this. But I chose to be stubborn instead. I just hope I heal from this and I can pick up where I left I left off. I hope I get another chance. I haven't felt like myself in years.

 

[tracedwards313]

I promise that you have not ruined your life. You are not screwed and even though you are currently having a difficult time, it will ok it you choose it.

You are very young and it would be of great benefit to you to learn from mistakes now, rather than later.

Take it from someone who has lived it. I was a full blown junkie when I was your age and had been for about 5 years. I caused myself so much unnessisary pain and negativity for years and had no one to blame but myself.

Just from reading your post, I promise you that you really need to at least consider being open to allowing yourself to completely change the way you are looking at yourself, your life, and the world.

I looked at my life through the wrong "lens" for years, without ever considering it. I had serious problems that appeared unsolvable and I felt doomed.

With some help, I quit letting my pride and ego run the show and when I changed my "lens" the problems I couldn't deal with, were not problems at all.

Spend time to understand your perception. Truely grasp what it means and what it's for you personally. Its one of most important aspects of your life and many people never even acknowledge the idea of it and just accept what they have without any thought or understanding of it.

Think about this truth, it could change your life faster and easier that you believe possible. It did mine. :

What you do in your life matters very little, its almost irrelevant. What you think about the things that you do is what is important.

That simple idea might not seem relevant to you right now but I promise it is. Finding a life of peace, joy, and continent is relevant concept that is equally available to everyone, reguardless of circumstance.

I was a person that was incapable of having those things and didn't even realize it. I could have obtained anything I wanted but it didn't make me "ok". I was a miserable man and it was all due to my ego driven perception, once I fixed that, my entire life changed and I could see real life, not my bullshit version.

The perception you choose will dictate your life, so choose consciously and don't ignore it.

Going back in time would not solve your problems. You have everything you need and the mistakes you regret are not what you think they are.

You are at the beginning, yet you feel too much has been lost...think about that.

You are not nearly as bad off as you think that you are, don't waste your time making your life harder than it is has to be.

Maybe your like me and it has to fucking suck and continue to get worse every year of your life until you decide the problem has to be inside of you. Right now, the choices you make are going to directly dictate if the remainder of your 20's are spent in misery or in growth. Its 100% your choice.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

24 is a really young age you still have almost your whole life ahead of you you've only been an adult for 6 years. Which means you've been a child for 3/4 of your life.

It's great to be young I'm sure things are stressful I wasn't happy at your age either give it time you'll grow.

 

[Sosume]

It's never too late to get your shit together,.

The kid you want to go back and save is still inside you.

No time machine needed.

I could type a bunch like those statements. One day at time, keep it simple, stupid, etc.

The kernel of Truth in any of those phrases is that as long as your breathing you can make better decisions now keep moving forward towards the life you desire.

Good luck. And don't be TOO hard on yourself if you slip. Addicts slip. It's the nature of the disease. If that happens, pick yourself up and repeat above instructions.

I've been getting my shit together and losing it again for years. The longer I wait after I slip, the further down rock bottom becomes.

 

[iLoveLucy999]

Thank you all for your replies