Desperate I need someone talk with....

[tubgirl.jpg]

... because right now, I'm staring at my own reflection in the mirror and I don't recognize the man staring back.
I'm holding razorblades in my hands, and I want to slice up every vein I have and fall into oblivion.

I don't know what to do. I've done things I'd never thought I would do.

I want to die. I want that eternal sleep I once experienced when I overdosed and those minutes of nothingness where I don't exist.
But I can't. I've gone too far to protect and help my family, but I feel so fucking alone.
Like the weight of the of world is on my shoulders.

I'm lost. I'm running in a maze of a self-designed hell, and I can't get out.

I know this is pathetic, that I've brought this on myself, but fuck.
I just need someone to tell me it's gonna be okay.

 

[G_Chem]

I wish I had a better answer other than to tell you, your not alone...

I too won’t do it because too many people rely on me. In the end I’d rather push through every excruciating moment here alone than push all of my problems on to those around me. I can handle it better than they can.

If you won’t stay for you, do it for those around you that love and care for you. That’s what gets me through each day, knowing me leaving would drop the floor out on everyone I hold dear.

-GC

 

[deficiT]

You're definitely not alone, and you're not pathetic. I have been there twice in my life now w/ suicide attempts. Both times I've come out much happier that I'm alive, for what it's worth. My dm's are open, although I'm not on as much as I like, feel free to message if you just need to vent or speak some emotional truth to.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I don't know but you can feel all the pain you'd never want to without committing suicide, no drugs needed, if if you do though, and from what you wrote, you probably should consider whatever DOCs you know best, and follow harm reduction, I guess that's Bluelight's whole purpose you know.

 

[RedRum OG]

I see life as a series of trips. One perspective after another, sort of. Mental illness is being stuck deep in one perspective. Seek things that aren't you and your normal perspective. Help others, see their perspective. Do hobbies that take you into your body or the outside world.

One of favorite coping exercises is just using my imagination. I try to imagine something as random as possible that is probably actually happening in the world. Like, a dude who has a job moving furniture in Argentina, and runs a gym in his free time. Or an old woman who lives in the hood in india, running a clothing business on the side of the road. Or a very rich, very self destructive guy who lives in the middle of fucking nowhere in Russia. What do their cars smell like. How do they feel about waking up. How long does it take them to get dressed. What is their primary ambition. When was the last time they had sex, were in a fight, ate a great meal.

The more I think outside myself, the more healthy and balance my perspective becomes, I find

You'll be ok if you can do 2 things: 1) remember that no matter how dark ones' life has been, there have been bright moments, and will be more 2) it's only a matter of time before you are back to one of them, but only if you hang on for the not so bright momemts

 

[Jabberwocky]

I'd recommend posting regularly and tracking your drug usage online, and asking questions from other drug users if your unsure about your current drugs and your dosages or concerned you may OD or need emergency medical treatment if you use again.

 

[Ds]

@pulverstaden
Hey just know that you are most defiantly not alone. Almost everyone here on Bluelight has experienced some troubling shit in one form or another. like what people have mentioned here, please if your feel comfortable enough talk about some of the issues you have been going through.
Addiction fucking sucks man, i don't know of anything else that would quickly turn family/friends into such toxic people when in reality you need a friend and just someone to talk with.
I know personally I have been through some sick shit and have scars running up and down my arms, shit i am not proud of but at the time, that was the only relief i knew of, even from the drugs.
The best thing that could of happened to me was literally Bluelight. This forum really helped by connecting me with people that would spend time and talk with me. So reach out to us.