I feeling much the same way—ugly, unwanted and unlikely to be in a loving relationship again.
My ex-boyfriend and I broke up in August 2020 after 9 years together. He’d hit rock bottom with the loss of his job, he was drinking a handle of Jim Beam every 36 hours, he lost his home, business, drivers license, both cars, contact with his daughter, etc. He didn’t help me pay rent. We stopped living together, he moved away to live with his sister where he’d have no rent or responsibilities. I had known him my entire life. Our mothers were BFFs.
I had heard recently from a mutual friend, that he’d been addressing his alcoholism and was attempting to get his shit together. He’s been living in a tiny southwestern town for the past 5 months. This town is so small that there are no cell towers, and all communications are via US Mail, landline phones or internet. I was delighted to hear from a mutual friend that he was working towards reclaiming his life before alcohol hijacked it. All the crappy things he’d done in the past, had been committed while drunk. My friends and family were clear that he was, sans alcohol, a real sweetheart.
While we lived together, he used my laptop for his social media + email pursuits, while I used my iPhone. Early last week, I opened that laptop, and saw a message to update a few passwords. I clicked on Facebook and his page opened. What glared in front of me was the most upsetting sight I could’ve imagined. An entire relationship with some girl was in front of me. All communication had taken place via FB chat/messenger. She’s 3 years younger than me, she lives here and she appears to be one of the girls that would hang around after his band played a show. All the things a couple would have said by text/mobile phone, were glaring at me from my laptop.
They pledged their undying love to one other. They spoke in great detail of what they longed to do with each other sexually. They spoke of their bodies and added pictures, asking if one partner’s organ(s) would blend/accommodate well with the other’s, given the dimensions as shown. He made a video of himself ejaculating, while she filmed objects she chose to place into her various orifices, that she then licked clean. She would question him as to my experience and/or skills with performing the same acts upon myself. He stated that I performed these acts in a vastly subpar fashion, compared to her.
Interestingly, the two of them have yet to meet in person, but per their statements, their relationship began the day we fought and broke up. These two may never meet, given the 1,000 miles that separates them. I was able to see that she’d sent him a Happy Birthday message back in 2019. She is married, has a young daughter and wants to get a divorce in the future. In addition, she is 100% sober and he describes himself as a infrequent drinker of fancy IPAs and Porters. She says she doesn’t drive, the reason(s) for this are not clear.
I’m trying to tell myself that at some point in the future, someone will find me attractive again, and I should not worry that my bedroom skills are subpar with someone else’s.
But for now, I just feel heartbroken
.
It’s not your looks, it’s your self esteem.