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I Just Realised I am Ugly! Makes sense tbh.

AyahuascaSeeker

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 21, 2020
Messages
7
Since I've been divorced, I'm yet to find that one woman who I can share my life with. I'm 37, divorced, prob 10kilos too heavy, have two kids and am just the average blue collar worker. Not rich, not poor. Don't have a great deal to offer but me. Problem is, even if I find someone who likes me, it's as friends. It's almost impossible to meet anyone on dating apps as it's all images. My ex wife was stunning, I felt great with her, confident, happy, I guess good looking, she never told me, but I presumed she found me physically attractive? Now, I can't even attract gutter trash, and don't even feel like I could bother if that's all I could get. I actually haven't had sex in around 3 years.

Had an argument then with a girl I've been talking to for a while when she said "you're not ugly you have an amazing personality and you're so funny"... Um... What. Then she's like "I never click with anyone on a mental level like I do with you, looks don't matter to me"... Seriously? Why not just say "you've been friendzoned". Maybe it's a flaw with the way I look at relationships, but I can't see me being with anyone that I'm not physically attracted to. You can't want to be intimate with someone who doesn't arouse you.

I feel like shit. I'm in bed, Saturday night, alone and on the verge of crying my eyes out... Which I never do. I feel useless, unwanted, unloved and for the first time in 37 years, I know for a fact, I'm ugly. It's a horrible feeling, almost like mourning someone.
 

TheInvisibleStoner

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 2, 2020
Messages
1,564
Location
USA
Don't say that.

There are sooooo many girls out there it isn't even funny. Simply move onto the next if the girl you are talking to isn't into you. But also you cannot expect every single girl to be into you. Also different people find different people attractive. Like I find girls with excessive tattoo and piercing hideous. While some guys find them attractive. I find girls with very high intelligence very attractive regardless other features.

Get your weight down if you think that is a problem. You are only 37. Very young. You can flip that around and have a 6 pack in weeks if you really wanted to.

Also I wouldn't put so much weight into online dating. Most of those girls are mentally ill or have crazy standards and why they are having to use a dating site.
 

AyahuascaSeeker

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 21, 2020
Messages
7
Don't say that.

There are sooooo many girls out there it isn't even funny. Simply move onto the next if the girl you are talking to isn't into you. But also you cannot expect every single girl to be into you. Also different people find different people attractive. Like I find girls with excessive tattoo and piercing hideous. While some guys find them attractive. I find girls with very high intelligence very attractive regardless other features.

Get your weight down if you think that is a problem. You are only 37. Very young. You can flip that around and have a 6 pack in weeks if you really wanted to.

Also I wouldn't put so much weight into online dating. Most of those girls are mentally ill or have crazy standards and why they are having to use a dating site.
She says she likes me and doesn't care if I'm not good looking... It's the weirdest thing. She said she can't tell someone they're attractive if they're not. I don't understand how she can want to explore anything further if she doesn't find me attractive? I also just pretty much ruined any chance of redemption by carrying on for hours. Am I trying to hard? Do I give up and just accept I'm just not a good looking person and start signing up to some good onlyfans Channels? Because that's pretty much my only option... To pay women to tell me I'm good looking.
 

MsDiz

Banríon na Fothrach
Joined
Mar 31, 2020
Messages
3,222
Location
Ireland
One woman saying she’s not into your looks is one woman. There are literally billons of women in the world. You’re honestly gonna give up because of one persons opinion of you?

There have been loads of ex boyfriends of mine I never found physically attractive at the start but the more I got to know them the more attractive they became. Sometimes personalities shine through so much that physical looks don’t matter and why should they? It’s the personal connection to someone that’s important.

Looks don’t last but personality does.
 

DeadManWalkin'

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 30, 2019
Messages
3,859
Location
Laid off temporarily
Post pics.
Also Dizzie is right and she's saying what I've been saying for a while. Looks are a dimishing asset.
She says she likes me and doesn't care if I'm not good looking... It's the weirdest thing. She said she can't tell someone they're attractive if they're not. I don't understand how she can want to explore anything further if she doesn't find me attractive? I also just pretty much ruined any chance of redemption by carrying on for hours. Am I trying to hard? Do I give up and just accept I'm just not a good looking person and start signing up to some good onlyfans Channels? Because that's pretty much my only option... To pay women to tell me I'm good looking.
never simp. its weak.
dont fucking feed money to that toxic culture man, really dont do it. please bro, i'll call you attractive ?
 

TheInvisibleStoner

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 2, 2020
Messages
1,564
Location
USA
I guess you can put it that way too.

However guys look better the older they get. Tons of girls are into the salt and pepper look. Not sure how many guys are into the same.

Now there are a lot of girls that look amazing for their age, But these girls go after the young guys anyway. Kate beckinsale is a perfect example. She is almost 50 and looks 20. She also dates guys in their 20's.
 

modocmodoc

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 10, 2015
Messages
155
Location
Midwest USA
[edit - I have always been attractive enough that other guys were jealous, from high school on, never been without a g/f.. so looks are not it. I'm probably a prick or it's the kids thing]

I was very 'where the women at'. I'm not all that any more, even though I think they are and I don't have any interest in women younger than 40 any more. (I'm 45 this year).

My big hangup is kids.. don't want, don't want to deal with others. This could actually be your problem, dude.

It occurred to me that perhaps I'm just a dick. I can't find anyone to help change that but therapists, who mostly get into the field 'cause they're fucked up too. Don't trust anymore.

Nobody really said life is just or fair.
 

TheInvisibleStoner

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 2, 2020
Messages
1,564
Location
USA
I am the same. I will not date a girl with kids. No fucking way. They have a man. And that man is going to be around. No thank you. Also I don't want kids of my own, so why would I want to deal with someone else's kids.

I know too many dudes that got with a girl with kids and now call that kid their own. Very desperate imo.

When I find a girl with no kids and doesn't want kids I am all over her. I like to travel and want to travel lots more. Can't buy a boat and sail all around with kids. And my friends that have kids...wow...I feel bad for them. They can't do shit. Not to mention a little annoying rug rat running around. I would be whipping their ass just like I was whipped. Each time I was whipped never did it again. When my pops would come through I would start doing push ups and stretching since I knew what was coming. By the time I was 17 I was so deep into wrestling and martial arts (I learned the shit just to be able to fight him and others in the area that would think they can control me) he couldn't touch me. Now he is an old man and we are all good and laugh about it. I know he was a good dad and kicking my ass is the only thing that would control me.

So yep!! That could be your hangup too. Most people don't want to deal with kids in general, especially other kids when there are plenty of guys that don't have kids. At the same time you may find a girl that will accept them. All different types.

EDIT: True story. Actually signed up for a dating site a few days ago to check it out. This chick messaged me. She has the most intense eyes ever. I check her profile and 3 kids, youngest one 3 months!!! I told her...your eyes may lure others, but they are too strong and to me they mean stay away!!! And don't you think you should stay off dating sites for now? Haha. Of course she blocked me.
 
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electronDegenerate

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 10, 2020
Messages
62
I'm just a little bit younger than you.
I hit a similarly dark spot at one point. I also tricked myself into thinking that even trying to pursue women was actually a horrible thing to do. I thought they don't want to be asked out, they don't want to be flirted with, they want no one to talk to them that isn't already a friend, don't even look over at them....
I had to hit the point in my life where I was just saying, "Fuck it I don't even want to be with someone, totally over it". That seems counter productive, but it allowed me to just focus on what I was going to do with my solo life. That mind set seemed to have changed everything though. It didn't last long like that until someone ended up seeking me out. And now we have been together several years.
This may not be what you want to hear, and when I first said fuck it all those years ago I wasn't exactly thrilled, just over feeling like I did.

Edit; Even if you were ugly, I wouldn't spend too much time thinking about that. I have come to realize that the women of the world don't just conform to the fake ass standards of beauty we as a society seem to obsess with.
Plus I'm not so sure you aren't just being too hard on yourself. Don't punish yourself just cuz you don't have a woman.
 

modocmodoc

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 10, 2015
Messages
155
Location
Midwest USA
I'm just a little bit younger than you.
I hit a similarly dark spot at one point. I also tricked myself into thinking that even trying to pursue women was actually a horrible thing to do. I thought they don't want to be asked out, they don't want to be flirted with, they want no one to talk to them that isn't already a friend, don't even look over at them....
I had to hit the point in my life where I was just saying, "Fuck it I don't even want to be with someone, totally over it". That seems counter productive, but it allowed me to just focus on what I was going to do with my solo life. That mind set seemed to have changed everything though. It didn't last long like that until someone ended up seeking me out. And now we have been together several years.
This may not be what you want to hear, and when I first said fuck it all those years ago I wasn't exactly thrilled, just over feeling like I did.
How did you meet, if you don't mind..?
 

electronDegenerate

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 10, 2020
Messages
62
Mingling at some social gatherings. I'm in smallish town so friends and their friends are always running into each other here and there.
Plus I sold a bit of weed back then so people would find their way to me. Back then I lived in a house with like 6 of my friends so it was easy to be social. People would just come over and chill as a group, buy some green, do whatever. So she had been coming over pretty regularly. Then I went traveling for a while, and when I came things just sorta happened. Took a few months of her just hanging out and me making a point of basically just going about my business as usual before anything really happened.
 

G_Chem

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 17, 2015
Messages
3,048
OP, this is one girl..

Also remember some people just don’t take good pictures, you may be one of those.. When I was briefly single I tried social media and dating apps but felt like I didn’t do well cuz I’d never up to that point taken any pictures really. And it’s hard to learn social media etiquette when you’ve never been into it before.

When I was younger I wouldn’t smile at all for pictures and often hide my face. I thought I was some tough guy or some shit I guess. But then come time to take good pictures where I look approachable it was difficult.

In contrast I have zero problems in person, I can have a somewhat intense mean look (I’m a smaller guy but my eyes pierce through people) but soon as I smile that all goes away. I’ve actually been told I’m someone who looks way better in person than pictures too. Maybe your the same? How often do you approach women in public?

Also as others have said, use this as an opportunity to live single and work on yourself. You can’t change your face but you can change your body and style. If your body is ripped that’ll bring up your physical attraction quite a bit.

-GC
 

Burnt Offerings

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 18, 2010
Messages
4,923
Location
USA
Practice more self-kindness brother...it's one of those things that's easier said than done, trust me I know...but it's still a good suggestion that I've seen others make in this thread as well.

You had what sounds like a healthy, fulfilling relationship with another person once and I'm confident that you'll find that again. Until then I'd just agree with some of what others have said...don't condemn yourself over perceived flaws, commit to self-improvement where you can, be direct with others in regards to what you're looking to get out of a personal relationship, etc.
 

atara

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 1, 2010
Messages
2,707
Location
not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent
Problem is, even if Had an argument then with a girl I've been talking to for a while when she said "you're not ugly you have an amazing personality and you're so funny"... Um... What. Then she's like "I never click with anyone on a mental level like I do with you, looks don't matter to me"...
It's okay to be unhappy about this. I don't really have anything else relevant to add, but yeah.

Oh, and if you want anyone to make fun of your appearance you can always post in our selfie thread
 

RedRum OG

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 18, 2009
Messages
3,378
Location
MN
Get fucking shredded. Its easier than you think if you really want it.

But, more importantly, just meet a wider variety of girls. I used to work in restaraunts, and boy let me tell you, I saw some pretty unfortunate looking dudes with some young, spicy girls. And half the time, they drove a car cheaper than mine. You'd be surprised. Not to mention, chances are, you're just average. There are a lot of people. Being average makes you fade into the crowd. Find what's special about you and make that pique people's interest instead


You have to be ridiculously good looking as a guy to have it be a noticable benefit. I am somewhat above average physically and I have had many long, depressing, lonely periods.
 

JessFR

Sr. Moderator: AADD, H&R, TDS
Staff member
Joined
Oct 22, 2012
Messages
11,578
One woman saying she’s not into your looks is one woman. There are literally billons of women in the world. You’re honestly gonna give up because of one persons opinion of you?

There have been loads of ex boyfriends of mine I never found physically attractive at the start but the more I got to know them the more attractive they became.

This is a super good point. I've had similar experiences. People can become attractive to you as you build chemistry with them.
 

ions

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 29, 2019
Messages
876
Location
PA
Beauty is common. It’s something you’re born with or people pay for.
 
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