I just got out of jail and feel really disoriented and confused and depressed

[burn out]

I was only locked up for 70 days but I am having hard time with the transition back home. I hated jail and was looking forward to coming home so much but it has been really disappointing so far and I have been depressed and confused and it lead to me getting high the past two days. I feel so guilty and scared right now. Will I withdraw? I had a major heroin habit when I got arrested and I went through hell detoxing in jail but when it was over with, I was so happy and excited about starting a new life clean when I got out.

Instead, I got the flu my last week locked up and come home sick, feel so weird being at home. Then what pushed me over the edge toward using was this girl who was my basically my best friend (she is sort of an ex girlfriend but we remained very close friends) whom I was counting on for support when I got out tells me that she has a boyfriend now and he doesnt want her talking to me so is it ok we if only talk like once a month or something? Needless to say, I felt very betrayed and depressed about this. Before I got locked up, she had promised me that she would support me in my attempts to quit opiates no matter how many times it took, so its not like I was expecting something I shouldn't have. So I immediately went out and got high swearing it would only be that once. Then I woke up today feeling even more depressed and got high again, swearing it was the last time, then when it wore off, I got high again. What should I do?

 

[Lolie]

I'm really tired right now so I'll compose a longer answer after I've had some sleep. I mostly just wanted to let you know that I've read your post and can relate to what you're feeling. Two questions which will help me refine my response. What other support do you have - friends, family, professional. Also, how old are you?

 

[herbavore]

You need to get yourself some support. Have you considered AA/NA? Even if you have reservations about the philosophy, the support of other human beings that have been where you are or are still where you are can be a life saver.

Losing your friend is a huge blow but there will be blow after blow in life and somehow the task is to develop other ways to cope with those blows when they come. jail gave you clean time but it gives you nothing else when it spits you quite cruelly out on your own after living in all that stress, misery and boredom for 70 days. Don't worry about the relapse. Use it to take stock of how formidable of an enemy your addiction is. If you let that discourage you, if you say, "but I was so excited and determined and then I failed" then you are setting yourself up to use from here on out. But if you say, "OK. I see your strength. But I am stronger. You won one battle, but I'll win the war" then you can start to build the strength inside that you are going to need. Small little acts of determination will keep building over time. Don't feed the part of your brain that has been taught to say "I can't". Feed the fighter. You've got to get support though. You'll get a lot here and I encourage you to use it every day. But you will need more so explore the best ways to get that from meetings to counseling to meeting new friends and getting involved with outside activities. Have you ever heard of Friends Outside? They are a great organization that tries to help people in jails and once they get out. See if there is one in your area if you are in the U.S.

 

[Lolie]

Finding support needs to be your number one priority. It sucks that your friend promised something which was inevitably going to be unsustainable and I understand your disappointment, but it's never a good idea to rely on one person for support.

It's a pity that your post-release needs weren't evaluated and that you weren't automatically referred to support programmes but it's possible for you to start creating a support network on your own. Ideally, the network you create should be a mixture of social and professional support.

You want to avoid creating situations where you're casting your friends in the role of therapist or where the friendship centres around your problems and they're putting more energy into your life than into their own. People can't operate at that level of intensity for a prolonged period of time and you're setting them up for failure and yourself up for disappointment if you have that expectation.

While I'm not the world's biggest fan of 12 step programmes, they might be a good thing for you if you're using in response to emotions. We can't know for sure whether you'd have used even if you didn't feel let down by your friend (we can always find some reason to justify our use), but having the opportunity to purge your emotions to others frequently might be a very good thing for you right now and AA/NA can offer that opportunity at a frequency which friends and professionals generally cannot.

 

[burn out]

Thanks guys. Things have been going very badly for me. I patched things up with my friend, she apologized to me and I was able to forgive her. However, I have used a low dose of heroin/hydromorphone every day the last three days and now I am terrified that I have a habit again. How bad do you think it will be to detox off this? What should I do?

My reason for using is that I just feel like crap all the time. I dont know if its benzo PAWS or heroin PAWS (i had a major xanax addiction and i started using heroin to help me get off the xanax, so I never recovered from the benzo wd before getting a major H habit).

But anyway, every morning I wake up with no motivation to do anything and feeling like crap. My head hurts all the time, as it has ever since I came off xanax and my ears ring. My stomach is messed up. Worst of all, I always feel like I weigh a million pounds and have zero energy. The idea of getting a job seems overwhelming to me, as I can barely get myself to do things like go to the store or clean my room. Even just sitting up in a chair for 2 hours takes a lot of effort on my part. I didn't used to feel this way, but all the benzos and opiates really fucked up my neurochemistry and I dont know how to explain to people that just standing up for 10 minutes causes me a great deal of pain in my joints and legs. How am I supposed to do the things my parents expect of me, like get a job and have a career and live a normal life, when I feel this way? Like tonight for instance, I had to print off some things. That meant getting the printer out of the basement and setting it up. Just this simple task seemed impossible to me, so I ended up getting high. I feel so helpless and hopeless right now and the other people at NA/AA dont seem to feel this way. They dont seem to have trouble with things like sitting in a chair or standing up. In jail, I used to get made fun of because I would carry my pillow around with me and put it on the chairs we had to sit on because they were so hard my ass would be killing me. No one else seemed to have this problem and so I felt weaker than everyone else and no one could seem to understand why I needed to do this or how much pain I was in just sitting in a chair. Opiates were my painkiller and I relied on them to ease all this pain that is in my body, I guess from a combination of opiate and benzo PAWS.

Anyway, I am very skeptical of the 12 steps but at the same time I believe in the value of meeting other addicts and getting personal help from. I just have a hard time when they try to cram the NA principles down my throat. I have such a skeptical and rebellious nature that I just can't seem to give myself over to the 12 steps. I do know that I need more support though, really badly. I am so scared right now. I just cant go through another detox. How bad do you guys think it will be after three days of lowish dose usage?

 

[webbykevin]

If you don't believe in the fairytale god then the 12 steps is useless in my opinion because all they try and do is ram jesus down your throat which does more harm than any substance.


EDIT, perhaps that was a bit harsh but it was my experience and also quite a lot of people I have known over the years have also tried the 12 step method and all gave me the same feedback that it was a bunch of condescending nonsense that didn't address any of the real issues and solved nothing and ended up leaving them more confused than before they started.

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

How bad do you guys think it will be after three days of lowish dose usage?

Not as bad as the fourth day. Or the fifth day. The sooner you stop using, the better. You're an addict. You know the answer to this.

Listen, the only bit of advice I can give you is this: Things will get better. Coming out of jail is an adjustment but I bet this; for every 2 days you were in there, give yourself 1 day of adjusting. In this case...
So- 35 days.
I guarantee that in approx. one month time you'll be in a much better spot.
Everything that you are feeling, and the reason you are using, all go hand in hand.
I can understand not wanting to be in public, and/or anxiety you feel about working, and probably not wanting to be around people even.

Just relax, and give it time. It's all you can do.

 

[Stevenski]

If you don't believe in the fairytale god then the 12 steps is useless in my opinion because all they try and do is ram jesus down your throat which does more harm than any substance.


EDIT, perhaps that was a bit harsh but it was my experience and also quite a lot of people I have known over the years have also tried the 12 step method and all gave me the same feedback that it was a bunch of condescending nonsense that didn't address any of the real issues and solved nothing and ended up leaving them more confused than before they started.

Then they weren't doing it right pure & fucking simple. Not once in the 100's of 12 step meetings have I ever had "god" pushed on me. Maybe it is different in other countries I don't know but the steps work & it is no fucking race to god or glory but a gradual change at your own pace. I know people who have been sober for 10+ years & never done the steps.

12 step programmes are a spiritual based programme & are not & never have been funded by outside contributions. One of the main reasons they are held in churches is because most churches are charitable. I mean if there is something sinister doing the following then I am all ears

Being honest with yourself
Admitting you are not perfect & are a human being who makes bad decisions sometimes
Making amends to those you hurt (provided it does not damage you doing so)
Continue to take inventory of your life & help others who are struggling

That is the 12 steps in a nutshell & my suggestion to anyone looking to try a 12 step meeting is go in with an open mind. If someone pushes god onto you then it is not in the spirit of the 12 steps & they are behaving in a most inappropriate manner & should be called to task.

 

[Sepher]

Burn Out, three days use is already getting borderline for a new habit. You might have got away with it this time. You won't get away with it for sure, just as Iloveyouwithaknife said if you make it four, five, six days. Our brains are wired for addiction now as ex-opiate addicts, it knows exactly what to do with them. Please stop now, or everything you went through in jail will have been for nothing. I know, I had to go to prison twice to learn that lesson when you'd think once was enough. It shouldn't be too bad even if you do suffer some withdrawal symptoms after three days, you may have next to none.

Have you looked if there is a SMART Recovery near you? There would seem to be a few in Michigan. Some support would be very useful for you and if you're resistant to the AA / NA ethos ( as I am ) they offer you an alternative that does not require you invest in some 'higher power' outside yourself in search of a 'spiritual experience'. It's completely rational in approach, based largely on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy type theories designed to help you with your triggers, cravings, etc, and give you some group support. If not the group aspect of NA could still be useful. I found what went on inside the meeting hard to swallow, but the support offered in talking to others outside the confines of the meeting itself was very real. You don't have to commit to it at this stage, you don't even have to believe in it all that much. Take advantage of what it offers that you can accept, like simple human companionship and someone to talk to about how you're feeling who gets it. That could be enough for the short term.

Good luck.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Listen, the only bit of advice I can give you is this: Things will get better. Coming out of jail is an adjustment but I bet this; for every 2 days you were in there, give yourself 1 day of adjusting. In this case...
So- 35 days.
I guarantee that in approx. one month time you'll be in a much better spot.
Everything that you are feeling, and the reason you are using, all go hand in hand.
I can understand not wanting to be in public, and/or anxiety you feel about working, and probably not wanting to be around people even.

Just relax, and give it time. It's all you can do.

Good advice. Kinda scary because I was released from prison in December after 4 1/2 years. Try just going for a walk once and a while and taking things in and observing.

 

[buffalosoldier]

weed and the love of Jesus Christ THE LORD is the answer!!!

 

[dhcdavid]

Not once in the 100's of 12 step meetings have I ever had "god" pushed on me. Maybe it is different in other countries I don't know but the steps work & it is no fucking race to god or glory but a gradual change at your own pace. I know people who have been sober for 10+ years & never done the steps.

12 step programmes are a spiritual based programme & are not & never have been funded by outside contributions. One of the main reasons they are held in churches is because most churches are charitable. I mean if there is something sinister doing the following then I am all ears

Being honest with yourself
Admitting you are not perfect & are a human being who makes bad decisions sometimes
Making amends to those you hurt (provided it does not damage you doing so)
Continue to take inventory of your life & help others who are struggling

That is the 12 steps in a nutshell & my suggestion to anyone looking to try a 12 step meeting is go in with an open mind. If someone pushes god onto you then it is not in the spirit of the 12 steps & they are behaving in a most inappropriate manner & should be called to task.

Hi Stevenski.

To start at the end of your post where you say that:

"If someone pushes god onto you then it is not in the spirit of the 12 steps & they are behaving in a most inappropriate manner & should be called to task."

Although I agree that pushing god onto someone who has profound problems with god and prayer (i.e. someone who was abused and raped by a priest for several years in their youth) is not in the spirit of the 12 steps I must sadly ask you to re-read the 12 steps and see how many times "god" and "higher power" (and to cynics such as me my "higher power" feels ever so similar to the commonly accepted notion of "god") are mentioned in the 12 steps, not to mention in the big fucking book.

Furthermore, should you ever find yourself in the south-east of pommie land and feel like a good punch-up you're most welcome to come with me to my local NA meeting where together we can tell the >90% of attendees (who, like sheep, just blindly babble on about god without stopping for even one second to consider what it is they are saying) that pushing god onto folk going to NA meetings who are desperately searching for some wisdom and answers on how best to go about quitting drugs and staying clean (and most definitely are not there for a fix of pseudo-evangelical bullshit theology-lite) is indeed "behaving in a most inappropriate manner" and with your help mate they most definitely "should be called to task"! :D

All joking aside.......

Having been raised in the Church of England - I was a choir boy so from age 7 to 17 and attended 2 services every single Sunday along with numerous weddings, carol concerts/services etc - and these days being a reluctant attendee of NA meetings (in all honesty because there's nothing else free out there and however much I struggle with many parts of the entire NA mantra/belief system it is still a far more constructive use of my time than using) I can assure you with my hand on my heart that at the end of the meeting when we all stand in a big fucking circle holding hands and say the serenity prayer out loud "as one voice" that most definitely feels identical to the technique for communal praying which I remember from my church-going days.

I can therefore assure you that it IS different in other countries and whilst I agree with you that it is not a race to "god or glory" - and agree wholeheartedly that there is no under-hand religion-by-the -back-door crap going on - I find that NA's obsession with including the word god wherever they can fucking fit it in is THE main stumbling block I have when it comes to NA.

And before anyone chimes in with that bullshit NA mantra of "use the word God as you understand him/her/it" please don't bother: I attended Gamblers Anonymous some years ago - and after 3 or 4 months found myself no longer having the urge to gamble.......and this is after trying numerous counsellors - both free and paid for - and guess what the primary difference between UK GA protocol and UK NA protocol? You got it: ZERO mention of god.

Those of you reading this who have found NA to be the magic cure for their addiction, well I have nothing but praise for you; but those of you -like me - who have profound difficulty incorporating god into their recovery know that you are not alone.

And to the OP? My apologies if it feels like your thread has been hijacked: welcome back into the free world; HEARTY CONGRATULATIONS on kicking your dope habit in jail and perhaps next time life feels shit and unmanageable without a little something to ease the boredom/pain/anguish why not cast your mind back to how horrific kicking your dope habit inside was, give yourself a big pat on the back (or if there's someone else there ask them to give you a pat on the back and a congratulatory hug) and then DON'T call/ go visit your dealer but rather grin from ear to ear and really focus on what an achievement it was to kick your dope habit and remind yourself how horrific it was and how little you wish to go through such a thing again.

Then put on a comedy dvd, wait a few minutes for the desire to use to pass (and it WILL pass, believe me), laugh your ass off at whatever you're watching and feel very proud of yourself of yourself for having resisted the urge to use.

 

[Stevenski]

That is a very insightful post dchdavid. Admittedly most of my 12 step experience has been through GA & the odd AA meeting when I needed extra meetings. I used GA for all my addictions because I found that programme was the best of the bunch in Oz with the most understanding members & it is the same addiction just manifested in different methods of madness. I avoided NA because it would be too easy to find new contacts. That said I have not been to a 12 step meeting in a couple of years because I do not agree with the way they are run where I now live which is very different to where I came from.

In Melbourne it is about the reading of the book & then sharing if there is time. In Sydney it is about the bare minimum of book reading (you can do that at home) & maximum sharing of hope & experiences. Guess which one worked for me?

I don't have time for a detailed response but your post is well reasoned & thought out. It is a case of each to their own & doing what works to keep sober.

 

[pharmakos]

i only spent 21 days in jail when i went, but it was still sort of weird for me transitioning when i got out. jail sucks for sure, but i found the routine of it to be psychologically comforting... wake up/roll call at the same time every morning, breakfast/lunch/dinner brought to you at the same time every day, lights out at the same time every night, etc etc. i made my transition back easier by creating a routine for myself on the outside.

also, when i got out i avoided social interactions with my friends/family (mostly out of shame). this was a bad idea i think. i constantly had people around to talk to while in jail, and then switched to total loneliness when i got out. make sure to reach out to people.

 

[amber_dawn]

I was only in jail for 20 days and getting out was insane. I felt like I was losing my mind with the sensory overload. Going to an ovdrcrowded Walmart was like going to Disneyland on acid.

I know this is an old thread, but a useful one.

If somebody leaves you after only 70 days, it wasn't meant to be. They aren't for you, and you deserve to be with someone who isn't so selfish. I agree with the person in who posted before me, both the routine of jail and the constant company are reassuring somehow.

Just look at all the little things.... Birds singing, stars in the sky, fresh fruit, etc. Staying clean is always going to be a sruggle, and the only person who can stop your addiction is you.you probably wont withdraw after two days, but youre going down the road youve already been on.

I do think religion and spirituality help, it doesn't have to be from a Christian tradition either. Explore this side of yourself, take some psychedelics if you are okay with them. Try to figure out who you are without drugs.chances are, you explored a good side of that in jail. But now the challenge is to apply that to the overwhelming outside.

Once you are comfortable with yourself, you will attract a new and better girlfriend. Or maybe the old one will come back. Its hard for the people missing you too, she might need to readjust as well. If not, fuck it. Ask the universe to bring the person meant for you into your life. You'll readjust to the world again, its always darkest before the dawn. In jail the idea is that the second you get out it will be a new life, but really, that's unrealistic.

Find happiness in small things, like you do in jail almost lol, and you'll be amazed at how many things in the world there are to be happy about. Getting high on dope is only going to dull your senses to the world. Its a fake happiness. and end up making you more depressed than you were before. You know this. You can do it. Just stop using. Yes it is that simple, no matter how much we tell ourselves its not.

The universe loves you and wants you to be happy. you have a purpose in this life, its your challenge to find it. Addiction will only hold you back if you continue on that road.

Best of luck to you and everyone who just got out of jail. You can do this.

 

[_DankOpiAmp_]

There are secular alternatives to 12-step bullshit if you need a support group. It is usually recommended that someone in your situation attend some type of group. Secular organization for sobriety is one of them.