I feel alone, like I feel distant from my girlfriend and everyone else around me, and I have no idea why. I think it could be because I'm narcissistic but I have a lot anxiety and I think I'm really unpleasant to be around because I've been bullied a lot when I was younger.
Do you have any supportive people in your life who have any idea of what your struggling with? Does your girlfriend know you've been having a hard time with difficult emotions? I imagine you aren't finding the kind of gentle support you have needed from loved ones, or these kinds of feelings of isolation/alienation wouldn't be so challenging to begin with (as you'd be able to rely on supportive relations already established in your life - and it doesn't sound like you have what you really need in your current relationships).
It's hard to find ways to manage difficult feelings outside of substance use when we are left to deal with them all on our own. It is largely the reason we find substance use so attractive in the first place when it comes to managing our mood. Of course, finding people to help us work to manage our mood is challenging in its own right for a lot of reasons - it requires putting one's self out there, being vulnerable to a degree and getting into what might be a deep pool of poison and pain that is the inauthenticity we come to discover in our lives when we open up authentically to other people.
Finding space places, a supportive community or nurturing relationships with other individuals where you can totally let yourself be transparent, or at least work on being more transparent and open than you currently might be (from your posts and what you mentioned about the bullying I imagine you are fairly guarded/defensive, which is only understandable given your situation) is where I'd suggest concentrating your effort right now.
And locating such safe spaces and nurturing relationships is only possible once we have begun to identify some of the things we are passionate about in life and value, in order to find others who share similar interests whom we can begin to work on connecting with. Some communities offer better opportunities for this than others. I find BL to be very useful for this, but it's also very limited in that it is limited to virtual reality and doesn't involve a bricks and mortar place IRL.
There are lots of therapeutic communities out there you use to begin to form the connection necessary to becoming more authentic though. And the process need not be painful, at least not if you go at your own individual pace that works for you. After all, you have the rest of your life to figure shit out. Especially considering it doesn't sound like your substance use is particularly out of control ATM (as you said you limited it mostly to weekend IIRC).
Anyways, it's good to have you in SL cyberius! Hope this made sense. Going internal deeply like this post suggests is not for the faint of heart and is anything but easy, but the results of the journey are exactly what I hear you wanting: a more meaningful life that doesn't necessarily require drug use to feel fulfilling on the daily.
I bet opening up to her took a large weight off of your shoulders.
