I fucked up again

[Mafioso]

Got addicted to alprazolam again. Crazy how fast it happens. First week, quarter to half a bar makes me feel good, full bar is black out territory. Month later, I can take a whole bar or 2 and not black out, barely feel a full bar.

Started out as good fun, just wanted to get high but also I noticed it relieved a lot of depression and PTSD symptoms. Ended up buying a whole bottle and burned thru half of that pretty quick.


Anyways. Starting a new job in a little less than 2 weeks. I"ve been through benzo and poly drug WD's so many times.. not really looking for advice beyond avoiding seizures and psychosis, since I seem to be prone to both. Although I will appreciate any support offered.

 

[Xorkoth]

Ah man, bummer. Well, I've never been addicted to benzos but I am addicted to phenibut at the moment, used to step down off GHB. You already know you should create a taper plan and rigidly stick to it, I'm sure. For the GHB/phenibut withdrawals, I find that 50-75mg of diphenhydramine really takes the edge off and helps me sleep... those are GABA-B agonists though, not GABA-A like benzos so I don't know if it will work for alpraz. Well, man, you know we're here for you. The tapering support thread is a nice place to post and have people help you be accountable.

You got this... it'll just be sucky/annoying for a while.

 

[Tonberry King]

Hey Mafioso. I know we havent had much interaction but I can say this, if I may.

Regressing is not the end of the world. We all have our own addictions we struggle with and that is alright. Probably, nobody is asking you to clean it up or else but you owe it to yourself. I know tough times well enough to know that they don't last, but tough people do last. Hang in there and if you need someone to just vent to...I'd be happy to just listen. I hope this post was helpful.

 

[aihfl]

Hey Mafioso, I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm prescribed 60mg Ativan a month and at times I have to make myself not take any because I like the way it makes me feel and I'm terrified of building up a tolerance where the 2mg/day I'm supposed to take won't do anything anymore. Plus I hoard it because I have this (probably) irrational fear of running out at the worst possible time. I also somewhat conceal it from myself because I've woken up with empty bottles after a drinking blackout. You've been thru this - you know the drill. Just take it slow and easy to avoid the seizures. Any chance you could get your hands on something longer-lasting like Librium, diazepam or even clonazepam? That might help. We're here for you.

 

[Painful One]

Sending you love and support Mafioso!

Valerian root may help. Sleepytime tea extra really helps me out with anxiety and even with some muscle relaxant qualities.

Loved the name of your thread here. Lol!
I fucked up again- yup, I know that feeling well!
Ah well...it happens. Just carry on and keep taking steps forward.
Don't look back.

Be well.

 

[Mafioso]

Hey Mafioso, I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm prescribed 60mg Ativan a month and at times I have to make myself not take any because I like the way it makes me feel and I'm terrified of building up a tolerance where the 2mg/day I'm supposed to take won't do anything anymore. Plus I hoard it because I have this (probably) irrational fear of running out at the worst possible time. I also somewhat conceal it from myself because I've woken up with empty bottles after a drinking blackout. You've been thru this - you know the drill. Just take it slow and easy to avoid the seizures. Any chance you could get your hands on something longer-lasting like Librium, diazepam or even clonazepam? That might help. We're here for you.

Yeah that pretty much sums up the trap of benzos... They're great at first but once you build dependence it is terrible. In a way, the fear is completely irrational in the sense that you'll probably be able to cope with the whatever situation(although maybe very uncomfortable), but at the same time the fear is completely rational because of risk of seizure.

Idk any source for those off the top of my head, and I don't really want to go looking for fear of what I might find, if that makes sense.

I've been taking vitamins and supplements, namely l-tyrosine, l-theanine, and 5htp to hopefully help my body recover quicker. Definitely seem to be bouncing back much faster than times before. Allowing myself to sleep 12hrs a day as well since every time I've had a seizure before it was when I was trying to push myself through the WDs, doing physical activity, not eating or drinking much.

 

[Mafioso]

Sending you love and support Mafioso!

Valerian root may help. Sleepytime tea extra really helps me out with anxiety and even with some muscle relaxant qualities.

Loved the name of your thread here. Lol!
I fucked up again- yup, I know that feeling well!
Ah well...it happens. Just carry on and keep taking steps forward.
Don't look back.

Be well.

Hey thanks for the response PO... I bought what I thought was phenibut but it turned out to be a mix of valerian root, melatonin, 5-htp, and a handful of other similar types of "natural" remedies. Would be nice to have a benzo with a longer half-life to taper safely, but I don't know if that's going to be a reality.

 

[Xorkoth]

A long half-life benzo is MUCH easier to taper with so if at all possible, you should try to do that. From what I understand, alprazolam is very difficult to taper with. Also phenibut might help, doubt it would prevent seizures though. It's available totally above-board from various Internet stores. I can't say publicly where though, but should be no problem at all to source.

 

[aihfl]

Phenibut definitely will not prevent a seizure. I read something a while back that it can even lower the seizure threshold in alcohol WD but I don't remember where I saw it, or if there's any validity to it.

 

[Mafioso]

Phenibut definitely will not prevent a seizure. I read something a while back that it can even lower the seizure threshold in alcohol WD but I don't remember where I saw it, or if there's any validity to it.

good to know.

 

[Tonberry King]

Hope you are feeling better Mafioso. Tough times come and go but I insist you hang in there! I've never done anything in my life more rewarding than getting my shit together. Hope you find the strength to do the same. You are not alone in this fight

 

[Mafioso]

So I got rid of my stash and started tapering with forced days in between the past few. Took about 1 mg total between yesterday and today after getting denied on my application for community service which completely took me out of WD. Being that I can feel .25mg is a good sign I think. Took one dose of .25mg this morning at feeling of nausea, another .25mg about an hour later because I vomited. Not sure if this was a wise decision, but I am feeling very level at the moment.

My surrender date is jan 5th if my letter of appeal doesn't go through then that means I'll be going back to jail, which means dropping out of school. It's only about a month left on my sentence which I'm trying not to worry about too much. Being in limbo is no fun but I remind myself that I am here because of my decisions and can use this as an opportunity to change. I'm going to make a list of books for my family to buy for me while I am there, hopefully I can make good use of my time.

It seems so obvious now that I was behaving stupid and irrationally, but at the time I had convinced myself I was so clever. Told myself I knew all about the physical addiction, it's risks and lack of reward... I won't be stupid and take it every day, or take high doses and black out. Yeah that was a lie. But the focus is on what I can do currently to better my life and gratitude for what I have. Looking back, I see clearly now that I spent way too much time focused on what I had lost, what I used to have, friends I used to know, and generally feeling sorry for myself and my position while not wanting to do any work to better or improve myself. All that time was wasted, and much more than that, that time is what put me in this position.

 

[Tonberry King]

Give yourself a break dude. You and I both know what happens when that substance gets control. You are prepared for this struggle and I know you can come out of this a much stronger person. I hope you have success with your letter of appeal, as well.

 

[EPL1]

You'll come out of this a stronger person. And you're already a good person with so much going for you. You need to be kind and patient with yourself.

This will be a blip on your radar.

Whatever comes we will all be here to love and support you. You got this either way my dear friend.

Love and support always,
your friend,
Ash.

 

[ShroomySatori]

You'll be good, you are tough enough for this for sure. Thanks for all your advice about staying clean by the way.

 

[Mafioso]

Hey thanks for the encouragement from everyone, it means a lot. It's easy to get down on myself, mistakes and situation.

Down to my last dose of .25mg which I'm going to hold on to until I feel I need it. My head still feels spacey and kind of vacant if that makes sense. My memory is slowly coming back, starting to level out and stabilize.

I'm considering buying another 2mg to continue to taper so I can use the .25 tonight or tomorrow, but not sure if it is necessary, as I've been taking .25mg every other day for about a week now. I feel like I could use another week almost tho.. this is about how I felt when I seizured last 2 times. I notice I'm extra sensitive to stress, and I get short of breath really quick from increased heart rate. Pretty sure my resting heart rate is elevated because I'm getting mild nervous/cold sweats that seem to disappear when I take a dose. But being that I'm leveled out by .25mg is a good sign I think.

 

[stellablue]

Benzo's were always my weakness. I have been clean from benzo's for two years now. I understand your reluctancy on going through the withdrawal again. All I can say is get support from someone you trust and tapper off the best you can. I am here for you if you need to talk. Just message me here. Best of luck to you. Like I said, just don't go through it alone. It's a roller coaster ride for sure and no one should go through that alone. *Sending thoughts and prayers your way*

 

[Mafioso]

Hey thanks stella. I think I'm stable enough to go without any more. I still have one last .25mg but didn't feel necessary to take it today. I'll see how I feel tomorrow, but I don't imagine it will be much different. It feels like I am on the way back up and things are starting to improve and withdrawal like rebound anxiety is mostly gone. I think another bar would be too much at the moment.

 

[Xorkoth]

Wow that's awesome Mafioso, you got off of them quite quickly. I guess you weren't back on them too long. Good work!

 

[Mafioso]

Thanks Shadow. It was only about 5-6 weeks total. Maybe 7 weeks counting the rapid taper. I've been supplementing with something containing melatonin, l-tyrosine, l-theanine, 5htp, valerian root, and a few other things roughly every other day now. As well as a multivitamin. Made sure to eat as much as possible(not a lot), and stay hydrated as dehydration alone can cause seizure. Took it as easy as possible too, trying not to push myself further than necessary and taking things easy as possible. I've read that benzos shock the limbic system resulting in exaggerated stress response. I'm pretty sure it's the elevated stress response/excitement that causes seizure and psychosis, as there is too much glutamate(excitory neurotransmitter) and not enough GABA to regulate.

My sleep cycle is still all over the place and it's difficult to get motivated, but things are slowly improving and I am hopeful.