Life was ok for a short while but I then lost my mum, my partner became ill and has anaemia and I started to have various health issues and the doctors say my blood count is on the decline and I don’t have any energy, I’ve gained weight and I feel so depressed and helpless. We have 8 cats but we started out with 3 but because of this pandemic we couldn’t go to the vet because it’s not an emergency and she got pregnant and gave birth 6 weeks ago and I am having to empty the litter trays and do chores and then I sit down and I’m exhausted and the kittens climb all over me, scratched my skin, biting me, trying to chew cables but I love them but I am just tired. I don’t sleep very well because I have ptsd causes by abuse and the only thing that keeps me from falling over the edge is drugs and my game, there’s nothing else to do because of this pandemic other than maybe exercise or shop and I don’t have energy for exercise when I try I start to shake and then if it’s bad enough I go to sleep. The doctors couldn’t find much wrong from blood test other than my blood counts going down and my liver function is boarderline but I don’t drink and the only drugs I take are pain meds the doctor gave me for my bad legs and some Mary Jane. Until my legs became back I used to cycle 30 miles a day in to town and I used to be really fit but then something bad happened and they removed my source source of testosterone and life’s just been really horrible times. I am due to talk to a therapist for a telephone assessment but I doubt I will get to see them for a long while because appointments are really happening at the moment, they cancelled most routine appointments and I live somewhere were there are not many therapist and it’s quiet rural and I don’t have a car.
At times I've wanted to give up and maybe go abroad to end my life but you can’t even travel abroad anymore and some people would say why abroad? I just wanted a peaceful way out a way out that won’t leave me like a vegetable and won’t be painful because I am a coward when it comes to pain. I used to cope with pain very well but being on pain meds has made me more sensitive to pain or so it seems, I can’t hold a hot plate of food anymore without it feeling like it’s burning my fingers.
At times I've wanted to give up and maybe go abroad to end my life but you can’t even travel abroad anymore and some people would say why abroad? I just wanted a peaceful way out a way out that won’t leave me like a vegetable and won’t be painful because I am a coward when it comes to pain. I used to cope with pain very well but being on pain meds has made me more sensitive to pain or so it seems, I can’t hold a hot plate of food anymore without it feeling like it’s burning my fingers.
Sometimes I'd have 2 or 3 stays coming to my house for food, which I always left out. They would naturally breed and I'd find myself responsible for so many little kitties! 
