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Desperate I am unable to cry yet I am in absolute agony

Stassi202

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 7, 2020
Messages
105
Location
Near Philadelphia somewhere
I have been able to cry but it is extremely rare and it is usually when something happens suddenly. I have only cried about 6 or 7 times since 2010. I cried when Amy Winehouse died in 2011. I cried in 2014 during a trauma involving watching an infant circumcision (the fallout from that trauma is permanent), I cried in 2016 when a 23 year old friend of mine died in an accidental fall and the last times was this year when my nan's pet dog died (I was at the vets discussing whether or not to have her put down as she was really sick), in June when I thought I was going to lose part of my hearing, and most recently when a good friend I had known since 30+ years ago passed away from a failed liver. She was younger than me.

All of these experiences hurt like hell.

But the funny thing is that these things were unexpected. Long term build up of trauma or pain seems to get bottled up and I want to release it but am unable to.

I really need to cry. Probably 100 times. Again and again and again and again. I believe it is the only way I will ever heal.
I hate when someone says, “I know how you feel” to me, so I’m not going to say it to you. The only person who knows how you feel is you, so with that being said, I can relate to a certain extent. Sometimes i feel like there’s some sort of block in the emotional part of my brain that prevents me from crying and I’m a girl!

Maybe, and I am only speculating, because of course I don’t know you, it’s as simple as how you explained it: bottling up long term trauma for so long is preventing you from taking a huge deep breath and bawling your eyes out. I have had very close girlfriends who could cry on command or who cried so often that I wondered if I was just a cold hearted bitch since I could remain stone faced during group therapy while discussing horrible things about myself and others sitting right next to me.

I feel for you...I hate hearing that someone is in excruciating emotional pain. I went thru about 6 months of absolutely debilitating depression last year and I was straight up clean and sober (post acute withdrawal I’m assuming since I had just gotten out of rehab for the millionth time). I would look in the mirror and ask myself how I was going to put on a little makeup and go to work. Not to mention how I was supposed to go to work and pretend like I was fine (customer service, I kinda had to keep it together, smile and be nice to ppl).

My suggestion would be to keep reaching out like you did here. Hearing that there are plenty of ppl who have had similar experiences is sometimes such a relief. I’m always available to listen if you’d like...take it one second at a time. Sometimes that’s all you can do...
 

Stassi202

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 7, 2020
Messages
105
Location
Near Philadelphia somewhere
Man, I feel you. We all got our demons, they come in a thousand different shapes, don't let them eat you.
Stay strong, and don't worry about if you can cry or not. You feel deep pain, that's more than enough. If you feel the need for release by crying, don't go the way of crying from sadness, you will most likely not achieve it. Happy tears.

Wish you all the happiness in the world~
I just posted something similar but thank you for also being supportive. It seems lately there are so many mean, miserable people out there and that does not help someone who is really struggling.
 

mokele

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 10, 2017
Messages
584
Man, I feel you. We all got our demons, they come in a thousand different shapes, don't let them eat you.
Stay strong, and don't worry about if you can cry or not. You feel deep pain, that's more than enough. If you feel the need for release by crying, don't go the way of crying from sadness, you will most likely not achieve it. Happy tears.

Wish you all the happiness in the world~
Thank you so much for those kind words!!!
Its because of such gems i am here. Wish you a great Day!!!
 

mokele

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 10, 2017
Messages
584
I don’t think its’s a legitimate therapeutic approach but I cry uncontrollably when I stop binging stims for a while. It’s a classic what goes up must come down scenario.

In your case though, and if you have really totally exhausted other therapeutic approaches, perhaps you would benefit from talking through your hurt / trauma with a trusted friend while taking an empathogen like MDMA. I don’t think there are any legitimate trials of MDMA therapy in NSW so your only option might be DIY. There are a lot of threads and information on Bluelight about it - as well as some scientific papers.

There are also edgier therapies like rebirthing and primal scream that might be worth investigating. However, IIRC you are high functioning autistic which may impact your ability to benefit from such approaches.

Have you ever been able to cry? What kinds of things jave prompted you to access tearful emotions in the past?
In Switzerland i believe ( not sure though)
MDMA Therapy is legal and the psychiatrist hands in a Note that he believes that is the best Way for you, then gets the permit and pharma MDMA and off you go.
Youd have to recheck my info but i think its correct. Consider that they give you a conservative dose of ~100mg depending on weight and since you pay yourself i dont think you need a Swiss Passport. Dunno if flying half around the Globe is worth it if your in NSW but i just wanted to pass the info.
Good luck!🙂
 

mokele

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 10, 2017
Messages
584
I just posted something similar but thank you for also being supportive. It seems lately there are so many mean, miserable people out there and that does not help someone who is really struggling.
So true!!! It seems being a asshole is fashion nowadays. My very best friend died decades ago, i did find the one or other good friend in life but the only one who came close died 2007. He rather rattled for 2 days than have me rattle instead. Only later and by coincidence did i even find out.
Nowadays i am very vary in real life, people check you what they can profit from you or dish BS storys so you feel sorry for them and it turns out they were just playin with you.
Thats why i am very careful before i call someone a friend nowadays. I know enough people, but a real friend? Nope. They are so rare. Hold on if you got one!!!
 

December Flower

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 22, 2020
Messages
411
In Switzerland i believe ( not sure though)
MDMA Therapy is legal and the psychiatrist hands in a Note that he believes that is the best Way for you, then gets the permit and pharma MDMA and off you go.
Youd have to recheck my info but i think its correct. Consider that they give you a conservative dose of ~100mg depending on weight and since you pay yourself i dont think you need a Swiss Passport. Dunno if flying half around the Globe is worth it if your in NSW but i just wanted to pass the info.
Good luck!🙂
So I'm from that general area (southern Germany), and I speak the same language, so I can tell you: Yes, since 2014~ it's been legal to get an LSD or MDMA therapy in Switzerland. However it is stated that this only works for isolated cases, getting on the program. So it's not very easy to get into this kind of therapy.
This is not like it was in the 80's, where everyone in Switzerland got some free MDMA and an Ice Cream cone whenever they felt bad. Psycholytic therapy is watched with a strict eye.

You might want to contact Dr. Friederike Meckel Fischer. She is one of the docs responsible for using MDMA as a tool for psycholytic therapy. You can reach her at [email protected]
Don't worry, she lived in the US for some time and speaks excellent English. If you explain your situation to her you might find out if you could even get into such a program
 

mokele

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 10, 2017
Messages
584
So I'm from that general area (southern Germany), and I speak the same language, so I can tell you: Yes, since 2014~ it's been legal to get an LSD or MDMA therapy in Switzerland. However it is stated that this only works for isolated cases, getting on the program. So it's not very easy to get into this kind of therapy.
This is not like it was in the 80's, where everyone in Switzerland got some free MDMA and an Ice Cream cone whenever they felt bad. Psycholytic therapy is watched with a strict eye.

You might want to contact Dr. Friederike Meckel Fischer. She is one of the docs responsible for using MDMA as a tool for psycholytic therapy. You can reach her at [email protected]
Don't worry, she lived in the US for some time and speaks excellent English. If you explain your situation to her you might find out if you could even get into such a program
Hey,i'm from same area. Munich to be exact.Great Username! I 💜 it!!
🙂 Schönes Wochenende!!!
 

mokele

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 10, 2017
Messages
584
So I'm from that general area (southern Germany), and I speak the same language, so I can tell you: Yes, since 2014~ it's been legal to get an LSD or MDMA therapy in Switzerland. However it is stated that this only works for isolated cases, getting on the program. So it's not very easy to get into this kind of therapy.
This is not like it was in the 80's, where everyone in Switzerland got some free MDMA and an Ice Cream cone whenever they felt bad. Psycholytic therapy is watched with a strict eye.

You might want to contact Dr. Friederike Meckel Fischer. She is one of the docs responsible for using MDMA as a tool for psycholytic therapy. You can reach her at [email protected]
Don't worry, she lived in the US for some time and speaks excellent English. If you explain your situation to her you might find out if you could even get into such a program
Thats great info December Flower!!
Worth a sticky ! I bet they charge you quite a bit as Ausländer, you know the Swiss!
Maybe secretly bring some extra X along so if the Bureaucrats who decide and have never taken one dish out too little you can still make that costly Session a real breakthrough.
For me, i am old. I dont think theres any rewiring possible. I would love to hear from someone who took Ibogain, since the root bark is ( still) sold legal here. Dunno if i would take a psychedelic the Congo Bwinti pygmies take! Those little guys are hardcore. But i heard in small doses it sharpens your senses etc. Sorry, this got to long
 

December Flower

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 22, 2020
Messages
411
" Ach leck mich doch am Arsch ( meaning i am astounded to see you here)my friend "
" Du oider Bazi Du " is my friend or my good friend or my guy. But if you translate just the words its " Yo,lick my ass, you old (Bazi i cant translate that Way)
:D Yeah, it's how Bavarians talk to each other, but it's actually very nice.
Bazi in English means like "scoundrel", but it's all friendly
 

sdxyln

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 16, 2020
Messages
695
Remember going to a Biergarten in Baden in the olden days and after a few Steins taking a plate of Schnitzel. After the first bite the Oberin asked my opinion. I said, „Das Essen schmeckt wie Arsch und Friedrich“. The look of horror as if I had spoken in the tongue of long-dead ancestors made me chuckle on the inside.
 

sdxyln

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 16, 2020
Messages
695
:D Yeah, it's how Bavarians talk to each other, but it's actually very nice.
Bazi in English means like "scoundrel", but it's all friendly

Got it. I am not a stranger to the sentiment, though I do say this so myself. Joviality is always nice ...
 

December Flower

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 22, 2020
Messages
411
Remember going to a Biergarten in Baden in the olden days and after a few Steins taking a plate of Schnitzel. After the first bite the Oberin asked my opinion. I said, „Das Essen schmeckt wie Arsch und Friedrich“. The look of horror as if I had spoken in the tongue of long-dead ancestors made me chuckle on the inside.
O the BaWü people, gotta be soft with them. They can't stand it when you promptly say something bad.
In Bavaria we would have beheaded you for speaking Hochdeutsch, but other than that you'd have been fine to say the food sucks. But our food doesn't :p
 

sdxyln

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 16, 2020
Messages
695
" Ach leck mich doch am Arsch ( meaning i am astounded to see you here)my friend "
" Du oider Bazi Du " is my friend or my good friend or my guy. But if you translate just the words its " Yo,lick my ass, you old (Bazi i cant translate that Way)
Ah, then I translated correct!
 

sdxyln

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 16, 2020
Messages
695
O the BaWü people, gotta be soft with them. They can't stand it when you promptly say something bad.
In Bavaria we would have beheaded you for speaking Hochdeutsch, but other than that you'd have been fine to say the food sucks. But our food doesn't :p

They're also a tad bit cunning sadly ...

Could not make it to Bayreuth this year. Some other time. I want to explore more of the land of the eccentric Ludwig II. Great German Soul!

Thanks for the Swiss psychiatricst suggestion. I will start with her book now. Should be interesting for me.
 
Last edited:

mokele

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 10, 2017
Messages
584
Remember going to a Biergarten in Baden in the olden days and after a few Steins taking a plate of Schnitzel. After the first bite the Oberin asked my opinion. I said, „Das Essen schmeckt wie Arsch und Friedrich“. The look of horror as if I had spoken in the tongue of long-dead ancestors made me chuckle on the inside.
I woulve absolutely loved to see her face when you said that! Thats as bavarian as it gets spoken by natives who cant even speak Hochdeutsch. A absolute killer if you travel through northern Germany! For hardcore Bavarians everyone north of Bavaria is a
"Saupreiss ".
 
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