I hate when someone says, “I know how you feel” to me, so I’m not going to say it to you. The only person who knows how you feel is you, so with that being said, I can relate to a certain extent. Sometimes i feel like there’s some sort of block in the emotional part of my brain that prevents me from crying and I’m a girl!I have been able to cry but it is extremely rare and it is usually when something happens suddenly. I have only cried about 6 or 7 times since 2010. I cried when Amy Winehouse died in 2011. I cried in 2014 during a trauma involving watching an infant circumcision (the fallout from that trauma is permanent), I cried in 2016 when a 23 year old friend of mine died in an accidental fall and the last times was this year when my nan's pet dog died (I was at the vets discussing whether or not to have her put down as she was really sick), in June when I thought I was going to lose part of my hearing, and most recently when a good friend I had known since 30+ years ago passed away from a failed liver. She was younger than me.
All of these experiences hurt like hell.
But the funny thing is that these things were unexpected. Long term build up of trauma or pain seems to get bottled up and I want to release it but am unable to.
I really need to cry. Probably 100 times. Again and again and again and again. I believe it is the only way I will ever heal.
Maybe, and I am only speculating, because of course I don’t know you, it’s as simple as how you explained it: bottling up long term trauma for so long is preventing you from taking a huge deep breath and bawling your eyes out. I have had very close girlfriends who could cry on command or who cried so often that I wondered if I was just a cold hearted bitch since I could remain stone faced during group therapy while discussing horrible things about myself and others sitting right next to me.
I feel for you...I hate hearing that someone is in excruciating emotional pain. I went thru about 6 months of absolutely debilitating depression last year and I was straight up clean and sober (post acute withdrawal I’m assuming since I had just gotten out of rehab for the millionth time). I would look in the mirror and ask myself how I was going to put on a little makeup and go to work. Not to mention how I was supposed to go to work and pretend like I was fine (customer service, I kinda had to keep it together, smile and be nice to ppl).
My suggestion would be to keep reaching out like you did here. Hearing that there are plenty of ppl who have had similar experiences is sometimes such a relief. I’m always available to listen if you’d like...take it one second at a time. Sometimes that’s all you can do...