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Desperate I am unable to cry yet I am in absolute agony

Flynnal

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 14, 2012
Messages
508
Is there any hope for recovery when I cannot even release the hurt inside?

Surely there has to be a way to let go. I spoke to my counselor yesterday and while he understood what was happening to me, I was unable to get into any emotional flow.

So I am sitting here in almost unbearable pain. Yet I cannot release it and get some relief.

What am I supposed to do? My emotions have come back 1000% and I don't know how to handle them. When I was a kid I was taught that crying was seen as weak and pathetic and I was bullied for weeks on end if I expressed my emotions. I am a country boy and I guess that's how I was raised.

Where to now? I can't deal with this pain any more and I can't get any relief.
 

w01fg4ng

Bluelight Crew
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Jun 28, 2009
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10,153
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In your head
I spoke to my counselor yesterday and while he understood what was happening to me, I was unable to get into any emotional flow.
Have you tried CBT?

A good CBT therapist doesn't even need you talk to them about the specifics, it's a motions thing---walk the walk.
 

Atelier3

Moderator: DC
Staff member
Joined
Sep 28, 2019
Messages
2,655
I don’t think its’s a legitimate therapeutic approach but I cry uncontrollably when I stop binging stims for a while. It’s a classic what goes up must come down scenario.

In your case though, and if you have really totally exhausted other therapeutic approaches, perhaps you would benefit from talking through your hurt / trauma with a trusted friend while taking an empathogen like MDMA. I don’t think there are any legitimate trials of MDMA therapy in NSW so your only option might be DIY. There are a lot of threads and information on Bluelight about it - as well as some scientific papers.

There are also edgier therapies like rebirthing and primal scream that might be worth investigating. However, IIRC you are high functioning autistic which may impact your ability to benefit from such approaches.

Have you ever been able to cry? What kinds of things jave prompted you to access tearful emotions in the past?
 

Flynnal

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 14, 2012
Messages
508
Have you ever been able to cry? What kinds of things jave prompted you to access tearful emotions in the past?

I have been able to cry but it is extremely rare and it is usually when something happens suddenly. I have only cried about 6 or 7 times since 2010. I cried when Amy Winehouse died in 2011. I cried in 2014 during a trauma involving watching an infant circumcision (the fallout from that trauma is permanent), I cried in 2016 when a 23 year old friend of mine died in an accidental fall and the last times was this year when my nan's pet dog died (I was at the vets discussing whether or not to have her put down as she was really sick), in June when I thought I was going to lose part of my hearing, and most recently when a good friend I had known since 30+ years ago passed away from a failed liver. She was younger than me.

All of these experiences hurt like hell.

But the funny thing is that these things were unexpected. Long term build up of trauma or pain seems to get bottled up and I want to release it but am unable to.

I really need to cry. Probably 100 times. Again and again and again and again. I believe it is the only way I will ever heal.
 

dreamflyer

Bluelighter
Joined
May 13, 2017
Messages
888
Location
USA
I know what you mean. My father raised me to believe that "big boys don't cry" and made me suffer immensely if I did. Now I'm 50 years old and I still can't shed a tear no matter how hard I try, even when my best friend passed away a few years ago. I know that it's not healthy to be this way, but I almost feel as though I've been brainwashed into acting emotionless even when I'm dying inside. I'm sorry that I don't have any advice to give you, but you do have my deepest sympathy and understanding.

Peace, Love and Faith,
Dreamflyer
 

madness00

Sr. Moderator: NMI, MH, CD, SLR
Staff member
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Aug 8, 2018
Messages
13,361
Location
New England
Maybe you don't need to focus on crying for this and just see what happens second by second. Having a lot of emotions will eventually come out.

I get teary and cry for music most often.
 

December Flower

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 22, 2020
Messages
381
Sing.
Using your voice really helps to get out pain and pent up emotions.

I can only sign that

Also try to cry about something else than pain. If your emotions are very strong right now, it might just give you the relief to watch/listen to something very beautiful. For example watch sappy lil kids' cartoons from your childhood, or listen to a song you just find goddamned beautiful.

Starting to cry about something entirely else, especially with another emotion in mind, should be easier, since it's not the valve that your subconsciousness has shut tight. Once you are in that state you can try to redirect your emotions towards what is really bothering you, and the valve could open :)

I did some therapy like that with a girl once, who was emotionally and sexually abused for over a year by her "lover". I played her a few very deep pieces on the piano, and it was the first time she could really open up emotionally. Not because she had cried out of sadness, but because she had cried for the beautiful music. It's all linked, just try to get to your pain another route.
 

bongdong

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Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
133
Location
monkeybody
Hey @Flynnal, i don't know much about you and little about your situation, so take this with a grain of salt please. Maybe/hopefully you are feeling better, since you started this thread.

I also can very much relate to the 'never ever show any weakness (like crying, or much emotion in general)'-attitude, some already have written about here. Don't think this is healthy (or pleasant), but letting stuff out uncontrolled all the time (e.g. anger) isn't healthy (nor pleasant) either. Just my view..

I suspect (at least for myself) that the cause, or the problem, the blockage is a set of learned patterns, held believes if you will. So focusing on e.g. sad stuff might just create further tension (or maybe shit will actually burst loose that way, i don't know). I think the way to go is to soften the circumstance (not the external ones, but inside oneself), soften or loosen the cork. Do you have empathy for yourself? I don't mean saying or thinking the words, i mean really feeling it?

I guess what i'm trying to say is, getting in or inhabiting a neutral/empathetic position to yourself (and the world), even it's just for a brief period of time, will let things happen naturally again. If there is something to cry, tears may come or not, something to laugh, .., etc. I think what you want is relieve or self-regulation, a feeling that things can move the way they need to in a given situation, so solely focusing on the ability to cry might actually not be helpful? There are different ways of expression or relieve, every person/situation is a bit different.

I had some rather drastic experiences, one involving extreme mental and physical exertion, others involving a form of meditaion; don't know if you are interested in this sort of stuff, and i don't want to babble.

Greetings 👾
 

December Flower

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 22, 2020
Messages
381
Hey @Flynnal, i don't know much about you and little about your situation, so take this with a grain of salt please. Maybe/hopefully you are feeling better, since you started this thread.

I also can very much relate to the 'never ever show any weakness (like crying, or much emotion in general)'-attitude, some already have written about here. Don't think this is healthy (or pleasant), but letting stuff out uncontrolled all the time (e.g. anger) isn't healthy (nor pleasant) either. Just my view..

I suspect (at least for myself) that the cause, or the problem, the blockage is a set of learned patterns, held believes if you will. So focusing on e.g. sad stuff might just create further tension (or maybe shit will actually burst loose that way, i don't know). I think the way to go is to soften the circumstance (not the external ones, but inside oneself), soften or loosen the cork. Do you have empathy for yourself? I don't mean saying or thinking the words, i mean really feeling it?

I guess what i'm trying to say is, getting in or inhabiting a neutral/empathetic position to yourself (and the world), even it's just for a brief period of time, will let things happen naturally again. If there is something to cry, tears may come or not, something to laugh, .., etc. I think what you want is relieve or self-regulation, a feeling that things can move the way they need to in a given situation, so solely focusing on the ability to cry might actually not be helpful? There are different ways of expression or relieve, every person/situation is a bit different.

I had some rather drastic experiences, one involving extreme mental and physical exertion, others involving a form of meditaion; don't know if you are interested in this sort of stuff, and i don't want to babble.

Greetings 👾

Absolutely agree. An outburst from pain is what your subconscious self wants to stop, so trying to focus on pain in order to cry is not going to help. You will just get tense, and your subconscious will further struggle. Really try to release your feelings in another way, then you can come back to the painful things.
 

December Flower

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 22, 2020
Messages
381
Damn, thinking and writing about this formerly, it just came to my mind: "Why don't you take your own fucking advice?!" I really should do that.. :oops:
You should :) I have this guilty pleasure song called December Flower(not what you think:
), makes me cry like a waterfall because it's so beautiful. Just do something or watch something that makes you emotional in a good way, and it will become much easier to release.
 

LadyAlkaline

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
2,757
Location
In a hot air balloon 🎈
Is there any hope for recovery when I cannot even release the hurt inside?

Surely there has to be a way to let go. I spoke to my counselor yesterday and while he understood what was happening to me, I was unable to get into any emotional flow.

So I am sitting here in almost unbearable pain. Yet I cannot release it and get some relief.

What am I supposed to do? My emotions have come back 1000% and I don't know how to handle them. When I was a kid I was taught that crying was seen as weak and pathetic and I was bullied for weeks on end if I expressed my emotions. I am a country boy and I guess that's how I was raised.

Where to now? I can't deal with this pain any more and I can't get any relief.
There are some things that you may be able to do to get the waterworks going. Try listening to music you really relate to, or a really sad movie, it may make you feel worse without any release, though.

Have you tried journaling or creating art to express your pai

This is a really specific and probably not even relevant outlet, but I used masochism for a long time as a bottle opener for catharsis. Is something like this on your radar at all?

I hope you feel better.
 

mokele

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 10, 2017
Messages
552
I have been able to cry but it is extremely rare and it is usually when something happens suddenly. I have only cried about 6 or 7 times since 2010. I cried when Amy Winehouse died in 2011. I cried in 2014 during a trauma involving watching an infant circumcision (the fallout from that trauma is permanent), I cried in 2016 when a 23 year old friend of mine died in an accidental fall and the last times was this year when my nan's pet dog died (I was at the vets discussing whether or not to have her put down as she was really sick), in June when I thought I was going to lose part of my hearing, and most recently when a good friend I had known since 30+ years ago passed away from a failed liver. She was younger than me.

All of these experiences hurt like hell.

But the funny thing is that these things were unexpected. Long term build up of trauma or pain seems to get bottled up and I want to release it but am unable to.

I really need to cry. Probably 100 times. Again and again and again and again. I believe it is the only way I will ever heal.
Really? Amy Winehouse? I wish i could!!
Couldnt even cry when they buried my wife this year. My best friend, a very good gf, my dearest cat....doesnt work. I hope i am no cold blooded psychopath or whatever, i feel pain inside. All the morphine and benzos ( i am in substitutìon for 34y now) could be the cause, but others are too and they can. As a kid i got bullied in school together with my few friends cuz we were german and they all americans. I mean bullied in the sense of being brutaly beaten up every other Day. Then i cried, it hurt damnit! But then came a time when i got that aha feeling when you pull out a knife, or use some tear gas on a attacker and let em kiss Doc Martens. Never cried since, only once after a bad fight. I was in hospital bleeding and drunk so bad they refused giving me anything while stiching me up. But that was the booze, not me.
I only feel that empty dark vaccuum, not more not less. Sorry for the ramble, never spoke with anyone bout that.
 

LadyAlkaline

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
2,757
Location
In a hot air balloon 🎈
Really? Amy Winehouse? I wish i could!!
Couldnt even cry when they buried my wife this year. My best friend, a very good gf, my dearest cat....doesnt work. I hope i am no cold blooded psychopath or whatever, i feel pain inside. All the morphine and benzos ( i am in substitutìon for 34y now) could be the cause, but others are too and they can. As a kid i got bullied in school together with my few friends cuz we were german and they all americans. I mean bullied in the sense of being brutaly beaten up every other Day. Then i cried, it hurt damnit! But then came a time when i got that aha feeling when you pull out a knife, or use some tear gas on a attacker and let em kiss Doc Martens. Never cried since, only once after a bad fight. I was in hospital bleeding and drunk so bad they refused giving me anything while stiching me up. But that was the booze, not me.
I only feel that empty dark vaccuum, not more not less. Sorry for the ramble, never spoke with anyone bout that.
Speak with us, don't be sorry. We care ❤️❤️❤️❤️
 

mokele

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 10, 2017
Messages
552
Speak with us, don't be sorry. We care ❤❤❤❤
That is very sweet from you!!
Its not that easy! I once asked my Ma, cuz she was also at burial of said gf. There were at least 50 people, all cryin over each other and there i stood as her boyfriend, wishing i hatten forgotten my Ray Bans so nobody notice. Mum later said she noticed how i could barely stand or keep my eyes open ( i had shot up before and was a bit much) and i shouldnt tear myself up cuz the Opies block the pain ( she got medical background).
But its always like that!!! I dont even know how i would be without opies and benzos ( add drink, but only beer and only a can as a booster). Discovered how it immensly released the fear of my dad when i was around 10y when i discovered grannys valiums. Then few years later poppies. The age might not be too accurate cuz its been so long but my abusive dad was def the trigger.
Too long to tell, but fear really gets to you when a child. Never even wanted to leave that comfy polster between me and the harsh reality ever since. ( i think THATS what they wanted to hear in therapy. )Sorry for getting so long! My bad.
 

dreamflyer

Bluelighter
Joined
May 13, 2017
Messages
888
Location
USA

Oh man, it's hard not to get choked up over that song, especially since I watched the VH1 special ("Inside Out") that documented him recording his final album ("The Wind") while he was dying.

Johnny Cash's video of NIN's "Hurt" has the same effect on me.

Much Love,
Dreamflyer
 

December Flower

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 22, 2020
Messages
381
That is very sweet from you!!
Its not that easy! I once asked my Ma, cuz she was also at burial of said gf. There were at least 50 people, all cryin over each other and there i stood as her boyfriend, wishing i hatten forgotten my Ray Bans so nobody notice. Mum later said she noticed how i could barely stand or keep my eyes open ( i had shot up before and was a bit much) and i shouldnt tear myself up cuz the Opies block the pain ( she got medical background).
But its always like that!!! I dont even know how i would be without opies and benzos ( add drink, but only beer and only a can as a booster). Discovered how it immensly released the fear of my dad when i was around 10y when i discovered grannys valiums. Then few years later poppies. The age might not be too accurate cuz its been so long but my abusive dad was def the trigger.
Too long to tell, but fear really gets to you when a child. Never even wanted to leave that comfy polster between me and the harsh reality ever since. ( i think THATS what they wanted to hear in therapy. )Sorry for getting so long! My bad.

Man, I feel you. We all got our demons, they come in a thousand different shapes, don't let them eat you.
Stay strong, and don't worry about if you can cry or not. You feel deep pain, that's more than enough. If you feel the need for release by crying, don't go the way of crying from sadness, you will most likely not achieve it. Happy tears.

Wish you all the happiness in the world~
 
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