soccerfocus05
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 20, 2008
- Messages
- 29
I feel like a human black hole. Intentionally or inadvertently, I have ruined every friendship, relationship or potential for any kind of future for myself.
There seems to be a near epidemic of people like me, inherently susceptible to both narcissistic grandiosity and depression- always variations on a common motif of "once smart, popular, athletic, etc" to "drugs/mental illness" and finally clinging to an idea that the outside world has failed me/us in some regard. Is this a disease of the heart, the mind, the soul? Ive heard it labelled many things- ADHD, bipolar, various personality disorders,depression... but the song remains the same.
Despite a generally unhappy, neurotic childhood of social isolation and overwhelming pressure from my parents, I made it into a prestigious college, w/ scholarship $ for sports & academics while looking pretty good on paper- Captain of 2 state champion sports teams, 1600 sat, national merit scholar, 164 iq etc. Turned around my social life, frat star(quit promptly, too much creepy chauvinism+ lack of time).
Worked nearly full time as a pt while caring a full courseload, guilty that i wasnt fulfilling my imagined potential. Started seeing a shrink at parents behest, eventually prescribed d-amp which i supplemented with (responsible, well researched) use of anabolic steroids to keep myself going. 1 nervous break, followed by a a semester off, a new shrink and a prescribed recipe for disater of 60 mg d-amp,10 mg alprazolam and .5 mg halcion. Back to school, pt job, lab research ===> suicide attempt- 300 mg xanax, 15 triazolam, 160 oxycodone (gf at the time had a habit that later killed her) washed down w/ a fifth of tequila. Been up and down since then, on and off most every psych drug+ plenty of illicit ones i can think of, 2 more attempts, in and out of psych hospitals, programs, jobhopping for 3 years and im now living in my folks house, utterly numb and having seen too many glimmers of hope extinguished to bother opening my eyes anymore. My dad hates me and has a real talent for reminding me what a massive fuckup i am, my mom's been pretty mentally broken since my initial suicide and my little brother wont even talk to me (at one point I was a demigod in his eyes). I'm nowhere near the level of fitness, mental acuity or self discipline I once was, and have endless contigency (read: suicide) plans at any given moment.
Currently back on 60 adderall, 3mg clonazepam and some beta blockers, hate my current shrink (folks nixed the last ones i had any trust for, this guy is a sycophantic mouthpiece for my dad w/ a laughable knowledge of psychiatry who has never offered any useful advice).
got myself a referral for intranasal ketamine therapy next week (have had my finger on the trigger for ect but couldnt go through with it... my brain is my 2nd favorite organ). Not expecting any miracles. Feel like its just a matter of time before I override the instinct to survive and honestly feel like itd probably be the most utilitarian choice for all involved. My only other ideas are to hop back on the juice, nab some extra amps (pharm or meth) or other drugs to cheat my way out of this infinite abyss, or at least give me the ephemeral relief of feeling like im climbing up.
I've probably written more just now than ive spoken in total over the last month
There seems to be a near epidemic of people like me, inherently susceptible to both narcissistic grandiosity and depression- always variations on a common motif of "once smart, popular, athletic, etc" to "drugs/mental illness" and finally clinging to an idea that the outside world has failed me/us in some regard. Is this a disease of the heart, the mind, the soul? Ive heard it labelled many things- ADHD, bipolar, various personality disorders,depression... but the song remains the same.
Despite a generally unhappy, neurotic childhood of social isolation and overwhelming pressure from my parents, I made it into a prestigious college, w/ scholarship $ for sports & academics while looking pretty good on paper- Captain of 2 state champion sports teams, 1600 sat, national merit scholar, 164 iq etc. Turned around my social life, frat star(quit promptly, too much creepy chauvinism+ lack of time).
Worked nearly full time as a pt while caring a full courseload, guilty that i wasnt fulfilling my imagined potential. Started seeing a shrink at parents behest, eventually prescribed d-amp which i supplemented with (responsible, well researched) use of anabolic steroids to keep myself going. 1 nervous break, followed by a a semester off, a new shrink and a prescribed recipe for disater of 60 mg d-amp,10 mg alprazolam and .5 mg halcion. Back to school, pt job, lab research ===> suicide attempt- 300 mg xanax, 15 triazolam, 160 oxycodone (gf at the time had a habit that later killed her) washed down w/ a fifth of tequila. Been up and down since then, on and off most every psych drug+ plenty of illicit ones i can think of, 2 more attempts, in and out of psych hospitals, programs, jobhopping for 3 years and im now living in my folks house, utterly numb and having seen too many glimmers of hope extinguished to bother opening my eyes anymore. My dad hates me and has a real talent for reminding me what a massive fuckup i am, my mom's been pretty mentally broken since my initial suicide and my little brother wont even talk to me (at one point I was a demigod in his eyes). I'm nowhere near the level of fitness, mental acuity or self discipline I once was, and have endless contigency (read: suicide) plans at any given moment.
Currently back on 60 adderall, 3mg clonazepam and some beta blockers, hate my current shrink (folks nixed the last ones i had any trust for, this guy is a sycophantic mouthpiece for my dad w/ a laughable knowledge of psychiatry who has never offered any useful advice).
got myself a referral for intranasal ketamine therapy next week (have had my finger on the trigger for ect but couldnt go through with it... my brain is my 2nd favorite organ). Not expecting any miracles. Feel like its just a matter of time before I override the instinct to survive and honestly feel like itd probably be the most utilitarian choice for all involved. My only other ideas are to hop back on the juice, nab some extra amps (pharm or meth) or other drugs to cheat my way out of this infinite abyss, or at least give me the ephemeral relief of feeling like im climbing up.
I've probably written more just now than ive spoken in total over the last month
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