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Hopeless How old were you when you accepted sobriety was not possible?

OpiateKiller

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Joined
Feb 14, 2019
Messages
925
I’m just curious to see peoples take on this subject.

I’m 26 years old, I’ve been to maybe 6 or 7 treatments, I honestly feel I don’t have another detox in my system. I’m
Currently on 120 mg of methadone a day with 7 days worth of take homes at a time. I keep running out 3 days early cause I’ve been IVing my take homes. Which is as stupid as it sounds I can just tell my therapist I want a dose increase but I’d need to go in for a week and take it orally and I don’t want to risk that happening and losing my take homes.

I don’t really think I can detox again and make it out alive. I’ve abused my body really pretty fuckin bad. I mean I’m still in good shape, work out, eat somewhat healthy, but I can tell my lifestyle choices are catching up.

I sweat like a mofo, I smoke and dip chewing tobacco, i drink like a fish and anytime
Drugs aren’t holding me over I’m drinking 10-15 shots of vodka.

Some days I wake up with my liver basically punching me in pain.

I also use large quantities of steroids.

So yeah, at what age did you give up on sobriety? I want to get off all this shit and be clean again I just know I’m literally in for 30-60 days of detoxing death. Yes it’s going to be that bad before I return to homeostasis.

I think I’ll die if I attempt it cold turkey. What the fuck do I do? I’m sick and tired of drugs and I’m sick and tired of living but I’ve failed sobriety so many times I don’t think it’s possible for my genetics and my personality.

What the fuck do I do?
 

Deru

Moderator: CEPS
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May 18, 2020
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2,325
I think I’ll die if I attempt it cold turkey. What the fuck do I do? I’m sick and tired of drugs and I’m sick and tired of living but I’ve failed sobriety so many times I don’t think it’s possible for my genetics and my personality.

I've been here bro, and I think better wording for your thread title should be, "How old were you when you falsely convinced yourself sobriety was not possible?". In answer to that, probably somewhere in my mid-20s I (falsely) accepted I would be an addict for life, and by late-20s things had spiraled so far out of control the thought of getting sober wasn't even on my mind, it was more like, "how can I make this all end?"

In hindsight, I could have done a lot of things differently. In the end, though, what honestly caused me to change my life was hitting a bottom I didn't even know could exist.

Whatever your idea of misery and hell is now, I promise you, it can only get much worse. Much, much, much worse.

But, I know just saying that typically won't mean much. I heard it 100s of times when I was in that position, and it didn't even compute. To be honest, in my brutally honest opinion, when we reach that stage, it takes a seismic life changing event to snap us out of those deep, engrained negative behavioral patterns we developed over many, many years. Everyone is different, of course, but if you look at relapse rates, unless you can truly dig down, deep inside of you, and work on fixing the problems inside, the chances of continued sobriety -- and not just being clean, but being mentally well in sobriety -- are very slim.

It's difficult, absolutely, but it's worth every painstaking millisecond of it to find freedom.
 

deficiT

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I'm not much older than you, and I've definitely felt similar ways. Only been through two treatment programs, and this most recent one helped me a lot more than the previous. I just wasn't ready before.

I still haven't been 100% sober, but I've at least cut back enough to the point that life is livable and I'm not in constant pain. It is possible. I consider myself in the same camp, that I don't think total sobriety is in my future anytime soon, but I've made peace with it.

I think the key thing you've got to hold onto is simply harm reduction. Progress, not perfection. If you can't cut back on methadone, at least try and stop shooting them. Even little things like that can help you feel a little bit less hopeless. I know it's easier said than done, but that really is where you ought to start.

Cold turkey imo is for the birds, there are ways to cut back and/or become sober that don't involve writhing misery. No matter how shite you feel about it or how many times you've failed, you can always try again. There are supplements, meds, herbal remedies, etc. you can take that can make it less painful.

Try and work on these things sooner rather than later, but you will see and feel even minor steps of harm reduction.

You really do just have to want it and be ready to take the steps towards sobriety, it sounds to me like you already know that if you continue down this current path it won't end well for you. Just keep that in your mind, and try again. Don't let anyone tell you you're not making progress, just cause you're not "totally abstinent".

Might be cliche advice, but I really do believe these things, I've seen it work through myself. At the beginning of this year I was coming off of 2 years spree on dope/fent, and I was absolutely miserable. Through the use of subs/kratom and various pharmaceuticals, I have now returned to a somewhat sane state.

And idk if this is up your alley, but meditation and spirituality/faith have actually really helped me recently, maybe that's something to look into. Studying things like Taoism and Buddhism can really help bring a sense of inner peace.

Don't give up brotha and just keep pushing forward, I am pulling for you.
 

JessFR

Sr. Moderator: AADD, H&R, TDS
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I dunno if I've fully accepted it, but to the extent that I have, I was probably about 28ish (4 years ago).

It was around then when I was homeless, begging stealing and worse for heroin every day. I thought about how to get out of that life, and it was probably around then when I determined that getting clean wasn't realistic. That it was either opioid substitution or nothing.

I hope maybe one day I'll feel ready to get off methadone. But I haven't yet.
 

Oleander

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Joined
Jun 20, 2019
Messages
134
I always wanted to be 100% clean and sober but it never really happened. Before recently I hadn’t used any substance in a year but was drinking a lot and didn’t like it. I was only drinking because I couldn’t use or tried to stop myself. I think because my using is much different than how it started and what it eventually turned into, I’m hyper aware to not get back to that place. But that’s just me and I honestly wasn’t ever completely convinced of 100% sobriety but congratulate those who can achieve it
 

Alex_1991

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I accepted harm reduction as a be all end all solution for this about the same time I turned 29. I don’t accept that sobriety is impossible though, it’s the most harm reduction I could possibly get.

That being said I have zero intention of aiming toward being totally sober right now. I have no issue with that, it’s where I’m at for now and I can live with myself using sometimes to a certain degree..

I do want to quit meth entirely however and alcohol is also a major problem that I combat from time to time still after years of Hardcore alcoholism up til about age 25. I’ve had my days, or a couple weeks - a month a couple times even straight up drinking.

I don’t give a shit about using pot or a bit of something like a psychedelic. I’d probably do a line of coke (haven’t done in months like maybe start of may and never had major issues with) or eat a couple percs (ex opiate addict my opinion, don’t crave it Or most importantly obsess over it for a long time) or whatever. Not my biggest issue.

I’ve allowed myself some relatively lighter to actually light drinking a couple times recently. I want to go to a rave someday or a festival and have that experience with molly or maybe a mix with a psychedelic in the festival scenario. There can be a lot of fuckin fun to have with these things if it’s done right, and I handle most substances reasonably well with alcohol being one to watch out for currently.. I still like to party some, except....

Meth. It’s destroying my life. Not yet, exactly, but I’m setting myself up for major failure if I keep it up. And even worse, insanity. I cannot use meth any longer if I want a good life. I cannot control it enough to be okay with it.

I take vyvanse as a regular med. it’s Phenomenal if I take it as prescribed how it helps me out of a lot of binds mentally and I have some energy where often I’d have none. Abusing amphetamines with meth though, it’s killing me quicker than I realize probably.

I have levels I can live with and some I can’t. I’m aiming for a harm reduction model. Maybe someday I go further down that line and abstain. It all fits into harm reduction.

So 29, in a sense.
 
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Kara Kava

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Joined
Apr 24, 2020
Messages
459
You think that way now but your mind might change.
I'm sober now, 2 months off methadone but felt like I won the lottery when my dentist gave me a script for percocet. 4 down the hatch right away.
I will always need benzos because in 20 years nothing else has worked.
I smoke weed daily and always will
 

TheInvisibleStoner

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Sep 2, 2020
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What the fuck you have to do?

Stop IVing your methadone, and stop drinking. Methadone allows you to drink hard without pain. The alcohol is killing your body.

You are right, that withdrawal will kill you (do not cold turkey it). Either way if you continue on, death is right around the corner anyway. You need to 1st get homeostatis with the methadone only and get rid of all the other bad things (i mean chewing tobacco is not really a super concern). Also drop the needle 100%. Iving your methadone will land you with a stroke, not to mention the damage to your organs.

Thinking of all the people that would IV their dose with a huge horse rig back in the day. They are all dead today (I am 40).
 
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JoEhJoEh

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Sep 5, 2015
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Europe
I still hope there can be sobriety because I want it. The only thing I want to keep is my Mary Jane because otherwise I cannot sleep. I really just smoke one Yay directly before going to bed - it helps such a lot.
 

BellaJewel

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Mar 24, 2020
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Surf City, USA
In 2010 my entire world fell apart. I found my dad, dead, he’d finally succeeded in his suicide attempts. My husband, who was taking a massive amount of anabolic steroids had become super violent with me. I had to get my daughter out of my home to the safety of her dad’s home, before he became abusive with her, too. I’d made the decision to leave him but I had to get out of the house without him knowing. Because he controlled my movements, he didn’t believe me when my hours would shift to cover another employee and I lost my job of 15 years due to attendance problems. I had a fantastic job that I loved.

So in 2010, after my dad died, after my daughter moved out and after losing my job, and my husband was home all day long as he had lost his job a few months ago because he punched a construction foreman, I decided I had nothing more to lose.

I woke up one morning and took a bunch of aspirin, and a bunch of ibuprofen. Not suicide amounts. I repeated this mid day and again in the evening. I also took a couple Percs. Later that night, I said something that I knew would piss off my roid raged husband. He hit on me hard and I had the endorphins going and really don’t recall feeling pain, because I wanted this. I made additional comments to piss him off. And he got more and more violent, eventually choking me out and shoving my head into a piano. Then he just stopped, his mood changed, and he said we should try to sleep. I had Ambien and offered him one, saying it was benedryl. He took it, while I took more aspirin, ibuprofen and Percs. Around 7am I got up quietly and looked at myself in the mirror. My plan worked. All the blood thinning properties of the aspirin and ibuprofen turned me a into a patchwork of colorful bruises and my head had a lump from where it banged against the piano. I put on my clothes I’d set out and I left to go to the ER. I told them I was there for evaluation of my head wound which was causing a headache. I told them it was the result of domestic violence and they got me in a room and the police came shortly afterwards. When the police got the name and description of my husband, one officer asked if he drove a silver Mercedes convertible and I verified that. That officer had given him a ticket one week prior for driving in the carpool lane as a solo driver. He was so angry about that ticket! The officer said he would take great delight in arresting him. Two female officers came by later to document all my bruises. So he went to jail for many months and I was able to go home and file for divorce.

One of the hardest things was telling my family about the abuse because, although they disliked him, as they felt he isolated me from everyone, they had no idea about the abuse. I wore a lot of long sleeves and scarves and hid my bruises pretty well.

In addition, I had a concussion from the piano/head bang and my memory is not what it used to be. I used to have a fantastic memory! Now I repeat stories, I am told.

It took years to actually be rid of him. I ended up with 9 year of restraining orders due to his stalker activity. And I became agoraphobic. I couldn’t go to the store alone. I began taking more Benzos, in addition to the Percs, which weren’t working as well. The pain doc added MS Contin 30mg pills iirc, and I started cutting them and chewing them to get more of an effect. But they caused me to nod off too much. So I stopped morphine and now I’m just on Oxys. I don’t really see myself going off them ever, hopefully. I get really bad headaches and they are the only thing that works. I also lack the ability to make the enzyme phosphatase, so I get kidney stones about 3-4 times per year.

So, as of 2010, because of pain, and worries about my lousy ex-husband, who I have dreams about at least twice a week, I don’t think I’ll ever stop taking drugs. Because I stopped klonopin cold turkey last November after accidentally throwing away an entire month’s prescription, I decided to see how I did without it. I started drinking wine everyday. At first it was a glass. Then it gradually built up to 1.5 liters of Chardonnay a day. I gained about 9 pounds and I knew it was from the wine. So I looked up the calorie content of other alcohol. Tequila, which you really don’t need much of, is a much better option, in terms of calories. I’m getting things done, working on getting a job, my psychiatrist increased my Vyvanse dosage, plus I have the Oxys and whenever I feel a bit of anxiety I have the tequila. It’s going better.

The really sad thing that I hate is that up to age 30 or so I used to laugh so much and I was such a perfectionist about my work and I was super creative and fun. Now I’m just a drag. I don’t laugh at stuff anymore. It makes me sad because I don’t think I can ever be that person again. I take Trintellex for depression + 75mg Seroquel.
 

Stassi202

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Joined
Jun 7, 2020
Messages
104
Location
Near Philadelphia somewhere
I’m just curious to see peoples take on this subject.

I’m 26 years old, I’ve been to maybe 6 or 7 treatments, I honestly feel I don’t have another detox in my system. I’m
Currently on 120 mg of methadone a day with 7 days worth of take homes at a time. I keep running out 3 days early cause I’ve been IVing my take homes. Which is as stupid as it sounds I can just tell my therapist I want a dose increase but I’d need to go in for a week and take it orally and I don’t want to risk that happening and losing my take homes.

I don’t really think I can detox again and make it out alive. I’ve abused my body really pretty fuckin bad. I mean I’m still in good shape, work out, eat somewhat healthy, but I can tell my lifestyle choices are catching up.

I sweat like a mofo, I smoke and dip chewing tobacco, i drink like a fish and anytime
Drugs aren’t holding me over I’m drinking 10-15 shots of vodka.

Some days I wake up with my liver basically punching me in pain.

I also use large quantities of steroids.

So yeah, at what age did you give up on sobriety? I want to get off all this shit and be clean again I just know I’m literally in for 30-60 days of detoxing death. Yes it’s going to be that bad before I return to homeostasis.

I think I’ll die if I attempt it cold turkey. What the fuck do I do? I’m sick and tired of drugs and I’m sick and tired of living but I’ve failed sobriety so many times I don’t think it’s possible for my genetics and my personality.

What the fuck do I do?
DAMN. This hit me like a ton of bricks...

First, I cannot tell you how much I relate to every single thing you said. Even though I do not drink or take steroids, doesn't matter; at one point or another in my life I have been exactly where you are right now. And, what a great question you pose: what age did I give up on sobriety?

I don't even want to get into talking about myself but just a brief background so you understand why I say I can relate to you so much. I'm 48, been in treatment 34 times in last 20 years because I was addicted to heroin. I often wonder what people REALLY think when I throw out the number of times I have been in treatment...do they feel sorry for me (not what I am looking for by ANY means)? Do they not believe me? Do they wonder why I went so many times? The reason I went so many times is because I could not stop on my own. Period. That being said, I have also struggled with coke, pills (opiates and xanax mostly) and was in a methadone clinic for 3 years. I literally FEEL your pain dude and my heart goes out to you.

Have you considered suboxone? That shit saved my life. Two years ago I overdosed right in front of my parents who are in their late 70's. That was the last time I did heroin. I have no plans to ever stop taking subs because it kills ALL of my cravings, and that is the worst part of my whole addiction, the cravings are fucking insane.

All I can say is I know exactly how you're feeling...keep in touch and let me know how you're doing...
 

BellaJewel

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Joined
Mar 24, 2020
Messages
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Location
Surf City, USA
@Stassi202 Do subs take away pain? I wish I was not so dependent on Oxys. I do get them from a pain doctor. I know he prescribes suboxone because he has a poster on the wall about it.
 

Stassi202

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 7, 2020
Messages
104
Location
Near Philadelphia somewhere
I’m just curious to see peoples take on this subject.

I’m 26 years old, I’ve been to maybe 6 or 7 treatments, I honestly feel I don’t have another detox in my system. I’m
Currently on 120 mg of methadone a day with 7 days worth of take homes at a time. I keep running out 3 days early cause I’ve been IVing my take homes. Which is as stupid as it sounds I can just tell my therapist I want a dose increase but I’d need to go in for a week and take it orally and I don’t want to risk that happening and losing my take homes.

I don’t really think I can detox again and make it out alive. I’ve abused my body really pretty fuckin bad. I mean I’m still in good shape, work out, eat somewhat healthy, but I can tell my lifestyle choices are catching up.

I sweat like a mofo, I smoke and dip chewing tobacco, i drink like a fish and anytime
Drugs aren’t holding me over I’m drinking 10-15 shots of vodka.

Some days I wake up with my liver basically punching me in pain.
I
I also use large quantities of steroids.

So yeah, at what age did you give up on sobriety? I want to get off all this shit and be clean again I just know I’m literally in for 30-60 days of detoxing death. Yes it’s going to be that bad before I return to homeostasis.

I think I’ll die if I attempt it cold turkey. What the fuck do I do? I’m sick and tired of drugs and I’m sick and tired of living but I’ve failed sobriety so many times I don’t think it’s possible for my genetics and my personality.

What the fuck do I do?
I just realized I never quite answered the question...

Out of all of my attempts at getting sober I just knew deep down that I never would be 100% off of everything. As of now I do coke on a regular basis. I stay far, far away from all opiates and thank GOD taking subs take away any and all desire for them. I was in and out of AA and NA for years and it was all bullshit. I was always honest when I would "slip" and go crawling back in to a meeting where everyone would say, "Welcome back!", then go talk about me behind my back and say I would never get sober. So guess what? I didn't.
 

Stassi202

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Joined
Jun 7, 2020
Messages
104
Location
Near Philadelphia somewhere
@Stassi202 Do subs take away pain? I wish I was not so dependent on Oxys. I do get them from a pain doctor. I know he prescribes suboxone because he has a poster on the wall about it.
One of my friends had the lower part of her leg amputated while only taking subs, so yes, it does. It's a partial agonist, which means it does not activate the opioid receptors in the brain the same way a full agonist like methadone would. It's literally a life saver for me. But if you aren't ready to stop taking Oxys I wouldn't even consider subs yet. Suboxone also blocks all opiates so even if I took an Oxy I wouldn't feel anything. It can be very dangerous if you mix them too
 

Pinkbeam

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Joined
Oct 7, 2020
Messages
279
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MO
I'm 36 years old. It was when I hit 30 that I knew sobriety was never gonna be an option. I got to where I had to have something every single day. Meth, pain pills, gabapentin, Kratom, etc it didnt matter which one, I just couldn't be sober.

Recently I had 15 months of sober time, besides kratom and gabapentin. Meth is my biggest problem. Its destroyed my life once before where I lost my job, home, and kid. Now the last month I've slowly started doing it again.

I dont know why sobriety is so hard. The drugs I do everyday are just to feel normal, not buzzed. Its sad.
 

RedRum OG

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Jul 18, 2009
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MN
15

Then around 24 I realized I was a fool, and thinking you can tell the future from the depths of mental illness is silly as shit.

Mentally blocking off your options for your future never makes your future better. Being open minded almost always makes the world better.
 

JessFR

Sr. Moderator: AADD, H&R, TDS
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Messages
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15

Then around 24 I realized I was a fool, and thinking you can tell the future from the depths of mental illness is silly as shit.

Mentally blocking off your options for your future never makes your future better. Being open minded almost always makes the world better.

It is not blocking off your options by being realistic about your situation.

Soooooo many people have died because they were pushed again and again into a sobriety only model of drug treatment.

I'm not saying that getting totally clean is impossible, not at all, just that for some people, it might not be a realistic option for a long time, and for some of them that long time might in practice be the rest of their life.

I'm just sick of seeing people die because they felt they had to be clean because people kept telling them any other course or action wasn't good enough. Not saying you're saying that, just explaining where I'm coming from here.
 

Stassi202

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Joined
Jun 7, 2020
Messages
104
Location
Near Philadelphia somewhere
It is not blocking off your options by being realistic about your situation.

Soooooo many people have died because they were pushed again and again into a sobriety only model of drug treatment.

I'm not saying that getting totally clean is impossible, not at all, just that for some people, it might not be a realistic option for a long time, and for some of them that long time might in practice be the rest of their life.

I'm just sick of seeing people die because they felt they had to be clean because people kept telling them any other course or action wasn't good enough. Not saying you're saying that, just explaining where I'm coming from here.
I completely agree with you. When I was actively attending AA/NA, the pressure I felt to be clean was out of control. So I continued taking pills every day and lied to everyone about being clean. It was so much easier that way and honestly I did not even feel guilty. Thankfully I got away from that whole scene and the relationship I was in, which obviously was far from healthy considering that I was popping Xanax and Adderall all day without him knowing.
 
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