Lots of people will say an addict isn't capable of really loving someone. I know that's true, but only to a certain extent. I think it's unfair for your significant other to say things like if you really lived me you would stop, or you love drugs more than me. It may be true that in active addiction you certainly put drugs before the needs of them and everyone else. You may be selfish and unreliable in active addiction. You can also cause them a lot of pain when you're using. But I know I love her even if im using. I would still do absolutely anything for her, anything I possibility could. I still feel the same way about her. The fact that I genuinely want to stay clean and have a good life with her and marry her because she makes me such a better person in return should prove that I do love her. It does to me. The problem is I don't think someone who isn't an addict can ever fully understand the disease of addiction. You can never imagine the way your mind can convince you to get high even if you genuinely don't want to. To them it's a simple solution.... just say no. But there's no way they can ever imagine how hard that can be sometimes. I can and have stayed stone cold sober for her, and I genuinely want to be sober because I absolutely love life when she's in it. When we broke up the last time before I had my overdose, I had just gotten my 6 month key tag at an NA meeting. Then we got in an argument over something stupid (which rarely happens because we always get along great) and I went to my parents house just because we needed a little time apart. That night I convinced myself that she was trying to hurt me and I'm better off without her and I should just go get high. None of that was true but my addict brain was looking for a reason to use. The addict's mind is so good at deceiving itself that it can basically plan a relapse out days in advance. I had been getting restless, little things were irritating me, she's doing things just to hurt me...etc. I thought like that for days and it was planting the seeds of relapse. It was like I literally convinced myself that I was better off without her and if she's gone I might as well get high because I deserve a little something for making it to 6 months sober. When I finally did use, I realized how bad my thinking was and immediately regretted it....but it was too late. It's not because I don't love her, I love her with everything I have, she's my world...my brain just decieved me and found a reason to use. When I overdosed last week, I was a month sober and things were going great. I got a new job that I made enough money at we could finally live comfortably on and I was the happiest I'd been in a long time and felt great about myself and our relationship. Then I started talking to a guy at work I had a feeling was into drugs....and I was right. We talked about doing drugs for 2 days and then I decided I would pick him up for work the next day. My brain was already planting the seeds if relapse when I started talking about drugs with that guy I worked with and I had no idea. Then I convinced myself I would get to his house a little early incase we hit traffic or something (even though there was no real chance of that). When I got there he was doing his pre-work dope and he asked me if I wanted some and I didn't even think about her, I didn't think about what I could be throwing away or how miserable I am without her. The only thing I could think about was how bad my feet were going to hurt at work that night and I can do a little bit and it would be OK because it would help me get through the day. I even made myself justifying using it by thinking if I worked a little faster because I wasn't in any pain my boss might be so impressed by my work ethic it would be good for my job status which would in turn be good for the family. So I snorted a fat line and overdosed (had no tolerance at the time and it was cut heavily with fentanyl). I had no intention of snorting heroin that day, but my mind was preparing me to say yes when I got the opportunity. It's truly amazing how cunning this disease can be. With that one stupid decision I almost killed myself and I threw away everything I cared about. There's no way she can ever understand how I can throw away the most important thing in my life for one chance to get high. I don't even understand it myself.
I know loving an addict is hard, you might be more patient with him because you used drugs yourself, sadly your parents and your friends will probably never understand what you see in him. My girl always felt stupid giving me another chance but she loves me and she sees good things in me that people who don't actually know me can ever know. She knows what I'm like on the inside and what the real me is like. She knows my love with her is true and pure. But I don't think she feels like she's more important to me than getting high, and its easy to see why going off my behavior patterns. If it were as easy as saying you mean so much more to me than getting high and actually never touche drugs again I would do it. It's a true statement because she means everything to me and I don't want to ever touch drugs again, but addiction is so powerful it will make you believe you can get high once and it'll be OK. I wish more than anything I could be normal and have a normal relationship, but I think she has lost all hope that it'll ever happen...and so am I. I don't deserve her anyway.
