Thanks man yeah honestly though I have already done 100mg 4-FA with my morning dose of sertraline... that was not really very effective at all but previously I had tried 50mg doses in the evening. And I did feel nice. But nice in a hard to put your finger on it, just not quite fully up kind of sense...
Honestly I think my neurochemistry is somewhat resistant to extreme serotonergicity, I thought it was happening to me with a heavy DCK dose a week or so back but, in retrospect, I think that was just an anxiety attack. Also I suspect sertraline just has a higher affinity for the serotonin terminals and thus blocks a lot of the good stuff from 4-FA.
Since my last post I have actually added 10mg 3-HO-PCP again and 50mg 4-FA...
I am not enjoying being on sertraline at all but feel like I kinda need to endure it for, to put it bluntly, the psychological theatre of being medicated. While my symptoms are very real, the advantages that an on record mental health issue could provide have never been lost on me. In the next few months I need to escape my business partnership with a narcissist on somewhat favourable terms, ideally get a referral for a suspected ADD diagnosis so I can point to something other than abject apathy and - dare I say it - pure laziness - and instead to a dysfunctional state induced by near catatonic depression.
I have a bunch of aMT which I'm desperate to try but I won't until I've discontinued from this SSRI because I know the potential danger there is very real.
I must fucking finish my escape plan of my life right now so I'll feel truly free... I might honestly even give up therapy then, carefully discontinue the SSRIs, and with my newfound freedom start working through my collection of DOxs, mescaline, 4-HO-MiPT and a bunch more I'm just hoarding right now.
Oh also during that time I'll reach out again to my friend and unrequited love of my life, literally the most inspiring human being I've ever known, petite, blond and an actual research geneticist... smart as fuck and the most legitimately beautiful woman I've ever dated... I fucked it last time because I wasn't being true to the life i want to live... but I have more clarity now. She broke it off for work reasons, being too busy, I know it's a typical excuse but she was so dedicated to her work and seems to be not involved with anyone else since... which is baffling because that was probably 2 years ago now that we were together, and I cannot fathom how some other cunt hasn't snapped her up by now... I'd like to say she's too smart for that maybe but that's my ego talking.
Fuck me, I am high now indeed, what a fucking spiel that was. Anyway gonna hold off texting that Mediterranean beauty tonight coz last time I got a bit carried away I was fucking relieved to find that Facebook messenger has a seemingly unexpiring "unsend" function the next morning.
Tonight... I'll just chill.