*HUGS* Thank you. The guy finally came and he could tell I was hurting pretty bad. He was very nice. The sadness and despair covered up any goodness I could see in the future, but things will get better. Like you, I am striving to make it through. I'm a fighter for sure.^Don't need to feel sorry coast. Hope your meds get in soon. I also hope you can not plan for such a negative future, no matter how hard it seems you always have to hold out hope for a better future otherwise there really is no point. All those people we view as successful may have not had the healthiest relationship with what matters...themselves. and no matter who you are or what you do that is vital and I hope you can strive for that. And not look at what you have as a disability but a starting ground for improvement. A base if you will.
What is the passion you would like to pursue? I'm sorry school feels negative, I'm glad you're going though. At least you're still learning something. Things can turn around and you could still have a chance at doing what you love. God makes a way even when we can't see one. There's no telling why that guy ignored you. It's an awful feeling to be ignored, but please don't take it personal. He could have been having a bad day or got some bad news. There are many things going on with people we don't even know about. If he keeps doing it, maybe open up a dialogue and ask him what's wrong?Today I am "drained"
It's a pretty consistent cycle. I wake up and feel generally okay, walk to school and feel on top of the world, and within one class I am completely knocked down and depressed about my whole path in life. School is a very negative and discouraging environment for me this year and it makes me sad to see me not be able to pursue my passion which I know for a fact I could succeed at if I had a chance. After all I can succeed in something I'm not interested in. Also had a guy I worked with for 6 months completely ignore me.
On the brightside there have been quite a few awesome people in my life today who have been kind and thank the gods for drum and bass. It's not easy for me right now guys but I'm gonna fight for the life I know I need to live.
Grateful I can get my klonopin from the pharmacy today. After the disaster last night, I need it. So sick of life's endless bullshit. Usually I get through it, but how many more years can a person take? FUUUUUCKKKK
This is going to sound sad, but I'm seriously thinking about at least having an exit plan ready for the future. I'm only in my early 30s and I can't see this useless suffering for even past 40 years old, maybe sooner. Then I think about comedians, musicians, writers and the most brilliant minds who chose to leave. Even the best of the best get fed up. God would understand. After all, he created all these illnesses I have. I digress.
Edit: So the guy who delivers for the pharmacy didn't even get the medicine from the pharmacy until 11:15 am! No wonder I'm still waiting. That should be unacceptable. People are sick and need their damn medicine earlier than that. Am I the irrational one? I hate everything right now.
Haha I have to laugh at this point. Here it is 3:36 pm now and still NO MEDICINE! I just found out the pharmacy was short a driver so it's taking longer than usual and of course on a day I feel like I'm going to die without my klonopin.
I'm all weepy and emotional. I honestly can't tell if it's the Ritalin I just started or if klonopin withdrawal is kicking in. Either way, I have no choice but to wait on the klonopin to get here. God help me....
And sorry for bitching so much, but obviously it's a bad day so I'm going to stop feeling guilty for being sick.
Thank you for sharing your story and being understanding. Yes, it does seem scary to have a drug-free life because it's become all we know in a way. We weren't always addicts though. We have to find our way back to the way we were.Seriously don't apologise. I am actually in a similar situation to you, it's quite uncanny. People are all here to share and help.
I have a dual benzo-opiate problem I have just started treatment for. Started with the benzos and progressed to oxy and heroin.
I havent slept right in a week now. The diazepam does nothing anymore, so I have been buying K-Pins - I hope I can get them tomorrow or I am fucked....It's typical benzo addict behaviour to freak out when you run low on pills because of the risk of seziures and being generally an awful mess...
I get suicidal as fuck in these moments when I wake at 2.00am and cannot sleep again, go through the day like a zombie. It's no way to live. I often just lay there and think "fuck it. Maybe I could just get a gram of H and a few packs of xanax and take it altogether and then I can finally get some rest..." that is how desperate I am and get. TBH I might've already done it if I didnt have a wife I love so much.
On top of opiate withdrawals and PAWS I will be withdrawing from benzos with some likely PAWs too.....Such a long rod ahead and I am exhausted 24/7. I think really sometimes it would be better to end it.
But I wouldn't. Just growing to accept this is the way it'll be for a long long time now.
It's okay to feel suicidal a lot, as long as you don;t act on it obviously. But I have told the counsellor today at my assessment I am and she wasn't really concerned...
Anyway, today I would say: Scared.
They say walking through the doors to get help is half the battle but I am not as convinced....It seems like a long long road I am just starting down.
And fuck, wish I could sleep but it wont come....Its so tempting to just take all my 2 week dose in one go and get some relief. But then i'll be fucked and will have to go back to the black market.
Trying to feel hopeful. It's just a massive life change and I have to learn all these new coping skills through courses and therapy to keep me off drugs. A life of abstinence scares me, I don't get how people can do it. But good luck to you. You are my age too so still looks to look forward too.