How are You feeling today vs one word for right now

herbavore

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 26, 2011
Messages
14,932
Location
in a dream
^Turn it on its head! failures are great teachers but you have to look for the right lesson. Addiction wants you to think the lesson is defeat and inescapable weakness; the real lesson is a clearer picture of your triggers and vulnerabilities. Don't use relapses against yourself--practice using them as opportunities to have more self-knowledge and get them to feed rather than squelch motivation! <3
 

Erikmen

Bluelight Crew
Joined
May 3, 2014
Messages
20,810
"Failures are indeed the great teachers we have in life". Couldn't agree more! <3

Tired.
Hopeful.
 

CoastTwoCoast

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 18, 2016
Messages
1,960
Alone and friendless.

Got an unexpected call from a guy I stopped talking to long ago who just accused me of something I did not do! I am hyperventilating. It's so upsetting. I have no one to talk to. I can't tell my family because they talk too fucking much. I just want to kill myself, but I am trying to be strong.

Glad I see the therapist next month. It's a shame I can't confide in anyone! I have major trust issues and good reasons why, That call was the last thing I needed tonight.
 

CoastTwoCoast

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 18, 2016
Messages
1,960
Grateful I can get my klonopin from the pharmacy today. After the disaster last night, I need it. So sick of life's endless bullshit. Usually I get through it, but how many more years can a person take? FUUUUUCKKKK

This is going to sound sad, but I'm seriously thinking about at least having an exit plan ready for the future. I'm only in my early 30s and I can't see this useless suffering for even past 40 years old, maybe sooner. Then I think about comedians, musicians, writers and the most brilliant minds who chose to leave. Even the best of the best get fed up. God would understand. After all, he created all these illnesses I have. I digress.

Edit: So the guy who delivers for the pharmacy didn't even get the medicine from the pharmacy until 11:15 am! No wonder I'm still waiting. That should be unacceptable. People are sick and need their damn medicine earlier than that. Am I the irrational one? I hate everything right now.

Haha I have to laugh at this point. Here it is 3:36 pm now and still NO MEDICINE! I just found out the pharmacy was short a driver so it's taking longer than usual and of course on a day I feel like I'm going to die without my klonopin.

I'm all weepy and emotional. I honestly can't tell if it's the Ritalin I just started or if klonopin withdrawal is kicking in. Either way, I have no choice but to wait on the klonopin to get here. God help me....

And sorry for bitching so much, but obviously it's a bad day so I'm going to stop feeling guilty for being sick.
 
Last edited:

badfish45

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Sep 6, 2011
Messages
2,688
Location
The ocean of my head
^Don't need to feel sorry coast. Hope your meds get in soon. I also hope you can not plan for such a negative future, no matter how hard it seems you always have to hold out hope for a better future otherwise there really is no point. All those people we view as successful may have not had the healthiest relationship with what matters...themselves. and no matter who you are or what you do that is vital and I hope you can strive for that. And not look at what you have as a disability but a starting ground for improvement. A base if you will.

Today I am "drained"

It's a pretty consistent cycle. I wake up and feel generally okay, walk to school and feel on top of the world, and within one class I am completely knocked down and depressed about my whole path in life. School is a very negative and discouraging environment for me this year and it makes me sad to see me not be able to pursue my passion which I know for a fact I could succeed at if I had a chance. After all I can succeed in something I'm not interested in. Also had a guy I worked with for 6 months completely ignore me.

On the brightside there have been quite a few awesome people in my life today who have been kind and thank the gods for drum and bass. It's not easy for me right now guys but I'm gonna fight for the life I know I need to live.
 

CoastTwoCoast

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 18, 2016
Messages
1,960
^Don't need to feel sorry coast. Hope your meds get in soon. I also hope you can not plan for such a negative future, no matter how hard it seems you always have to hold out hope for a better future otherwise there really is no point. All those people we view as successful may have not had the healthiest relationship with what matters...themselves. and no matter who you are or what you do that is vital and I hope you can strive for that. And not look at what you have as a disability but a starting ground for improvement. A base if you will.
*HUGS* Thank you. The guy finally came and he could tell I was hurting pretty bad. He was very nice. The sadness and despair covered up any goodness I could see in the future, but things will get better. Like you, I am striving to make it through. I'm a fighter for sure.

Today I am "drained"

It's a pretty consistent cycle. I wake up and feel generally okay, walk to school and feel on top of the world, and within one class I am completely knocked down and depressed about my whole path in life. School is a very negative and discouraging environment for me this year and it makes me sad to see me not be able to pursue my passion which I know for a fact I could succeed at if I had a chance. After all I can succeed in something I'm not interested in. Also had a guy I worked with for 6 months completely ignore me.

On the brightside there have been quite a few awesome people in my life today who have been kind and thank the gods for drum and bass. It's not easy for me right now guys but I'm gonna fight for the life I know I need to live.
What is the passion you would like to pursue? I'm sorry school feels negative, I'm glad you're going though. At least you're still learning something. Things can turn around and you could still have a chance at doing what you love. God makes a way even when we can't see one. There's no telling why that guy ignored you. It's an awful feeling to be ignored, but please don't take it personal. He could have been having a bad day or got some bad news. There are many things going on with people we don't even know about. If he keeps doing it, maybe open up a dialogue and ask him what's wrong?

Keep focusing on the good in your life. Sounds like you have your head on straight. You have the right attitude and you have a destiny to fulfill. ❤
 

badfish45

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Sep 6, 2011
Messages
2,688
Location
The ocean of my head
Honestly he's been doing it for a while and it was kind of obvious he wasn't having a bad day but just more not interested. Kind of weird because we worked together daily for a really long time and I'm not expecting a best friend but acknowledgment of my existence would be nice. It could be my body language too..who knows like I said plenty of other people were kind to me today.

And my true passion would be audio engineering. I went to school at 18 and not going to say my parents forced me into the sciences but I was highly suggested to do something lucrative and worthwhile and have certainly been told my parents were not interested in paying for a degree they don't see as worthwhile ...safe to say 18 year old me had NO idea what that was and now we are just too far in and I've discovered what I really love doing and it's made this a really long and painful process. Maybe I'm short sighted and there's a way to still do it but I wish I could use all this energy and time into something I'd actually want to stay in. I'm looking to escape my field asap or use it as a last resort. I've been very tolerant of school for a long time now but this semester is rough. Each day is just as painful and discouraging as the last. Have lost most of my motivation to do anything but what will slide me through. Kind of a depressing way to approach it.

I guess there is always room for attitude adjustment but this just isn't the right path for me and it's painfully obvious I can't lie to myself anymore. Also have significantly cut down my drug use so I think my mind has been adjusting to the real world which isn't as easy as blocking out reality. Going to therapy soon which should help some emotional issues but it's certainly not going to pull me out of this rutt of going down the wrong path..certainly a dangerous path many people take.
 

CoastTwoCoast

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 18, 2016
Messages
1,960
You know what? I walked into a drugstore last night and looked at the cashier and said "Hi how are you?" She looked at me with utter disgust like I killed her entire family and said absolutely NOTHING! It really bothered me, but then I remembered a sermon that said we will always be disappointed if we are constantly looking for the approval of others. If that guy is ignoring you, it's HIS problem, not yours! Try to remember you don't need his approval. Promotion comes from God, not people! Even when it comes to my parents or certain family I feel ignored and get hurt, but then I remember I don't need their validation. Sorry to get preachy, but screw him.

As far as a profession, try to do what makes you happy. There is still hope for that. Don't go through your whole life doing what your parents wanted you to do. I really hope you can eventually turn that around, in the meantime, keep doing the best you can.

Congrats on cutting out a lot of drug use! Reality is harsh without it, but drugs block things out and you'll wake up years later and realized you've been wasting your life and opportunities. I'm proud of you for cutting down! I will be going back to therapy next month. If you have a good therapist, it will at least help to unload what's bothering you and take some of the pressure off. I believe in you. As long as you don't give up, you're still winning. You're doing a lot better than you give yourself credit for!

Another thing about a good therapist is they will show you a different perspective and make you remember all the good things you're doing. We tend to focus on the negative and I would love when my therapist would point out what I've accomplished. I quickly forget accomplishments and focus on "failures".
 
Last edited:

Erikmen

Bluelight Crew
Joined
May 3, 2014
Messages
20,810
Reality is harsh without it, but drugs block things out and you'll wake up years later and realized you've been wasting your life and opportunities. I'm proud of you for cutting down!
So true. Congratulations.

Tough week.. Sad.
 

badfish45

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Sep 6, 2011
Messages
2,688
Location
The ocean of my head
Thanks for your post coast, it really means a lot, and I do feel like you have given me a good perspective on things :) I think it sucks how we can easily forget the kindness of others but never let go of negativity and we take it so personally. Guess you really don't need validation from either and it's up to you to put energy into the kind.

@erik sorry to hear you're having a rough week :( guess you're really not alone here though.
 

F'Loki

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 7, 2017
Messages
131
Location
UK/Various
Grateful I can get my klonopin from the pharmacy today. After the disaster last night, I need it. So sick of life's endless bullshit. Usually I get through it, but how many more years can a person take? FUUUUUCKKKK

This is going to sound sad, but I'm seriously thinking about at least having an exit plan ready for the future. I'm only in my early 30s and I can't see this useless suffering for even past 40 years old, maybe sooner. Then I think about comedians, musicians, writers and the most brilliant minds who chose to leave. Even the best of the best get fed up. God would understand. After all, he created all these illnesses I have. I digress.

Edit: So the guy who delivers for the pharmacy didn't even get the medicine from the pharmacy until 11:15 am! No wonder I'm still waiting. That should be unacceptable. People are sick and need their damn medicine earlier than that. Am I the irrational one? I hate everything right now.

Haha I have to laugh at this point. Here it is 3:36 pm now and still NO MEDICINE! I just found out the pharmacy was short a driver so it's taking longer than usual and of course on a day I feel like I'm going to die without my klonopin.

I'm all weepy and emotional. I honestly can't tell if it's the Ritalin I just started or if klonopin withdrawal is kicking in. Either way, I have no choice but to wait on the klonopin to get here. God help me....

And sorry for bitching so much, but obviously it's a bad day so I'm going to stop feeling guilty for being sick.

Seriously don't apologise. I am actually in a similar situation to you, it's quite uncanny. People are all here to share and help.

I have a dual benzo-opiate problem I have just started treatment for. Started with the benzos and progressed to oxy and heroin.

I havent slept right in a week now. The diazepam does nothing anymore, so I have been buying K-Pins - I hope I can get them tomorrow or I am fucked....It's typical benzo addict behaviour to freak out when you run low on pills because of the risk of seziures and being generally an awful mess...

I get suicidal as fuck in these moments when I wake at 2.00am and cannot sleep again, go through the day like a zombie. It's no way to live. I often just lay there and think "fuck it. Maybe I could just get a gram of H and a few packs of xanax and take it altogether and then I can finally get some rest..." that is how desperate I am and get. TBH I might've already done it if I didnt have a wife I love so much.

On top of opiate withdrawals and PAWS I will be withdrawing from benzos with some likely PAWs too.....Such a long rod ahead and I am exhausted 24/7. I think really sometimes it would be better to end it.

But I wouldn't. Just growing to accept this is the way it'll be for a long long time now.

It's okay to feel suicidal a lot, as long as you don;t act on it obviously. But I have told the counsellor today at my assessment I am and she wasn't really concerned...

Anyway, today I would say: Scared.

They say walking through the doors to get help is half the battle but I am not as convinced....It seems like a long long road I am just starting down.

And fuck, wish I could sleep but it wont come....Its so tempting to just take all my 2 week dose in one go and get some relief. But then i'll be fucked and will have to go back to the black market.

Trying to feel hopeful. It's just a massive life change and I have to learn all these new coping skills through courses and therapy to keep me off drugs. A life of abstinence scares me, I don't get how people can do it. But good luck to you. You are my age too so still looks to look forward too.
 

CoastTwoCoast

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 18, 2016
Messages
1,960
Seriously don't apologise. I am actually in a similar situation to you, it's quite uncanny. People are all here to share and help.

I have a dual benzo-opiate problem I have just started treatment for. Started with the benzos and progressed to oxy and heroin.

I havent slept right in a week now. The diazepam does nothing anymore, so I have been buying K-Pins - I hope I can get them tomorrow or I am fucked....It's typical benzo addict behaviour to freak out when you run low on pills because of the risk of seziures and being generally an awful mess...

I get suicidal as fuck in these moments when I wake at 2.00am and cannot sleep again, go through the day like a zombie. It's no way to live. I often just lay there and think "fuck it. Maybe I could just get a gram of H and a few packs of xanax and take it altogether and then I can finally get some rest..." that is how desperate I am and get. TBH I might've already done it if I didnt have a wife I love so much.

On top of opiate withdrawals and PAWS I will be withdrawing from benzos with some likely PAWs too.....Such a long rod ahead and I am exhausted 24/7. I think really sometimes it would be better to end it.

But I wouldn't. Just growing to accept this is the way it'll be for a long long time now.

It's okay to feel suicidal a lot, as long as you don;t act on it obviously. But I have told the counsellor today at my assessment I am and she wasn't really concerned...

Anyway, today I would say: Scared.

They say walking through the doors to get help is half the battle but I am not as convinced....It seems like a long long road I am just starting down.

And fuck, wish I could sleep but it wont come....Its so tempting to just take all my 2 week dose in one go and get some relief. But then i'll be fucked and will have to go back to the black market.

Trying to feel hopeful. It's just a massive life change and I have to learn all these new coping skills through courses and therapy to keep me off drugs. A life of abstinence scares me, I don't get how people can do it. But good luck to you. You are my age too so still looks to look forward too.
Thank you for sharing your story and being understanding. Yes, it does seem scary to have a drug-free life because it's become all we know in a way. We weren't always addicts though. We have to find our way back to the way we were.

Yes, keep going to therapy. Let's make this a year where we break the addictions and we are free! It can happen if you really want it. Also, Gabapentin can help if you are truly worried about seizures when you run out of benzos. I was just scared to take it yesterday because I'm on Ritalin now so I didn't know if there would be an interaction.

Turns out there is no interaction with Ritalin and Gabapentin. As a matter of fact, the Gabapentin takes the edge off the stimulant factor of Ritalin. It makes it smoother and I don't feel nervous or worried.

Do you have a group meeting for addiction where you go? I am going to do individual therapy, but there is also an addiction group available. I really think I should join it. Sometimes it's hard to admit you need to go to an addiction meeting, but like you, I am sick of this cycle.

Like I said, try Gapapentin when you run out of benzos. It's easy for me to get it since I live with old people. At least you won't suffer from seizures. Thank you for reaching out. You are an important person and you deserve a better life! Keep going to meetings. We can beat this. Much love to you. 💕💕💕💕💕
 
Top