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How are you capable of being as happy sober as on your drug of choice?

madness00

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@Vastness

I love amphetamines.

Now, a lot of people do. You are a brilliant writer, and i bet you're super good at a lot of stuff when you put your mind to it. My therapist said i may have ADD, but because i have substance abuse disorder, i won't get anything prescribed to me. Maybe we are in similar situations in regards to needing motivation. But we both have what it takes to get to the next level.. i don't think drugs are the answer for.. me.

Meth is my DOC.

When i took adderall from a friend in high school and took the Math 2 SATs, i thought i fucking ACED it. No.. got a 600. Not bad, but i legit thought i killed it.

Sometimes drugs can do that. And if we can find it in ourselves to work up to the potential that we have, man.. fuck drugs!

But yeah, if you are literally disabled by a condition, by all means get help. I'd be off the walls or in the ground without my bipolar meds.
 

Vastness

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Yeah, well, that's the thing, I guess I'm not completely disabled by it, I can struggle and do stuff but definitely my ability to keep on pushing through the apathy and malaise seems to be waning and I worry it will run out completely one day and I'll just stop trying or caring.. I dont know if drugs are the answer for me honestly but I feel like I really have tried a LOT and I'm not sure what's left.

I get what you're saying about the perception being greater than the reality with these substances, when I first started using moda during the "honeymoon", so to speak, I thought I was crushing work but looking back it's not obvious that my life improved in any dramatic way during this time. I think these things work a lot better if you plan out a set project while as sober as possible - then commit to just push with chemical aids if needed for a brief period, following your previously defined path to completion. I think it is documented that almost all focus enhancers work at something of a cost to "lateral thinking" and I definitely notice the tendency to get laser focused on some tiny detail of WHATEVER that really isn't gonna matter too much in the end.

Appreciate your comments on my writing, I do like to write, maybe part of the problem is I often don't care that much about my current job but it seems like too sweet a deal to just up and leave.

Meth eh, do you find you can use that sustainably? I am a fan of meth (obviously - who isn't? 😄) although I've only used it twice, not sure I'd use again due to neurotoxicity concerns, although maybe with sensible dosing these can be mitigated.
 

madness00

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No, I abuse meth.

I like adderall too, and it's basically coke and pepsi if you take a high dose of adderall.

The euphoria is too strong. It's not sustainable IMO. Desoxyn should never be prescribed to people, IMO.

I'm constantly chasing that manic feeling.
 

Vastness

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Hah, fair enough, you're probably right.

So in reference to your previous post...
Maybe we are in similar situations in regards to needing motivation. But we both have what it takes to get to the next level.. i don't think drugs are the answer for.. me.
if drugs aren't the answer for you, what is? The question, of course, being "how can one find the motivation to properly focus on anything that actually needs doing?"


My procrastination has been literally out of control for long periods and I very rarely feel that anyone truly understands this when I try to explain it to them.

I manage to get something of a handle on it from time to time but long term it very rarely feels like anything other than just really FORCING myself to do stuff with an immense effort of will. Is this what life is..? Just endless, endless struggle to accomplish even the most basic tasks, day to day...? I know willpower is, to some extent a muscle... so shouldn't this get easier over time? Maybe it is, I dunno... but it's at a glacially, imperceptibly slow pace if so.

But, maybe I'm just lazy, honestly. I've had an easy life compared to many. When I was in school I worked hard enough that my parents wouldn't give me a hard time, so then I guess fear of reprisal was an effective motivator. As soon as I left school, and my childhood home, honestly, my "work ethic" fell off a cliff and meandered up and down the rocks near the bottom ever since.

Sometimes I think I've just always coasted doing the bare minimum and been lucky. I mean, I've tried at times, for sure... I know "imposter syndrome" is a thing too and I probably do have a bit of that... but in my adult life I can't remember a single time I've been able to concentrate or even really care about anything enough to focus on it consistently for long, without some kind of chemical aid - although I started off on the most benign nootropics - piracetam, oxiracetam, strong coffee... but yeah, sometimes I wonder if even the imminent threat of homelessness or death would be enough to motivate me to fucking do something useful, if left to my own devices for long enough. Without some kind of chemical aid, I mean.
 

madness00

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@Vastness

I can relate.

Just coasted through high school, and even college. Jobs came and went as i could not convince myself it was worth my time. It wasn't until i found a job in finance that was high stress, face past, and really fucking pushed me to achieve, that i accelerated. I got promoted from entry level to "associate 2" in less than a year, and was basically the team all-star. I had never really pushed it until i found something i really, really enjoyed. I LOVE the competition, fast paced environment.

What do you truly enjoy?

My hobbies are fleeting, actually. The only thing i know, is i love numbers, and am luckily really, really good with them. Oh, and money is a motivator as well..

I also have a mood disorder, so sometimes when i am "on a roll", i get a bit hypomanic and fucking shift into over drive.

Man.. i miss working in finance. Long story short, i became homeless, and now work in retail until my case gets dismissed.

Maybe you're right - maybe you just need a good scare..

BOO!

Let's go man let's kill it together :cool:
 
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Vastness

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What do I truly enjoy, haha, fuck man that question gives me anxiety. :ROFLMAO: I guess I enjoy writing, also drugs, reading about them writing about them, doing them, maybe even in that order. Hard to make a career out of that though although I recently started a psychedelic philosophy blog which I plan to be a labour of love and creative outlet until maybe I can monetise it at some point, hopefully that won't be just another ADDream that's quickly abandoned.

I quite enjoy some programming and technical writing type stuff on the business side of things, that's mostly what I do now, lucky enough to have my own business although it's somehow in an industry I couldn't actually give 2 shits about which is a bit of a problem and a lot of the business admin type stuff bores me to tears... which is probably part of the reason it's not consistently grown beyond the point that it could sustain me sitting around for enough of the day to think wait a minute... I don't actually have to do this work right now! Maybe I could just procrastinate and do it later, even though the thought that I haven't done it is going to stress me out more and more until finally I do a half assed job at the last minute having ruined all my planned "relaxing" time! :ROFLMAO:

I've never had a real job honestly, by which I mean, a legitimate career, I had a bunch of dead end temporary jobs when I was younger doing shit I didn't care about where I took advantage as much as I could, feeling myself to be somehow entitled to do so, which I don't feel great about now of course. I like numbers too though and probably could have gone down a different road... a good friend of mine from uni who was on the same course as me went straight into banking and finance after graduating and now he's doing really well finanacially (although, seemingly, not really happy either), while I just thought thank fuck that's over and went back to live at my parents for a good few years, occasionally doing work for which I was fairly overqualified (on paper, at least, not like anyone would have thought this based on my actual contribution). Now though that kind of career in finance or something similar sounds too stressful for me honestly. Although I have often thought recently it would be nice to work as part of an actual team of people with similar skills instead of just the fairly solitary path I've chosen for myself, by accident or design.

Anyway, I dunno, I guess I'll just keep on trying to figure it out and try not to go too overboard with the old self-medication... ;) Nice to talk to someone who can relate though, thanks for that.
 

madness00

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You're a thinker (hah, aren't we all?) - do you think you struggle finding meaning in life?

Most humans are driven to find connections with each other, and since you were recently thinking about team work, maybe that's all it boils down to. Maybe you don't want some silly, meaningless job - it sounds like you could be motivated by the simple addition of others to your "team". Find some synergies, and do something fun.

No shame in being happy, whatever that looks like. We just have to remember to make it sustainable. Which for me, drugs are not.

But to bring it back around, talk to a psychiatrist maybe? Maybe you do indeed struggle with attention, or maybe even dysthymia (that was my very first diagnosis) which is like, a very very mild but constant depression. Sort of just a lack of zest for life.

Anyway, i'm no doctor, and i genuinely hope you find what you're after. No pressure to find it today.
 

Vastness

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Hmm, I suppose so, although I do believe everyone's life has meaning, I guess I feel I lack a clearly defined life purpose a lot of the time, but even this idea of the importance of a clear life purpose might be an egotistical 21st century luxury borne of never having had to truly struggle.

I do talk to therapists on a regular basis, I would like to talk to a psychiatrist to get an actual proper psychiatric diagnosis but as I mentioned it's pretty hard to get referred to one in my country unless you're legitimately close to suicidal... maybe slight exaggeration but I'm basically always, seemingly, "not sick enough", which I guess I should be grateful for. I should probably just suck it up and pay to see one privately but I guess I think it's likely to just be a waste of money and time. Probably a good chance that's a self-defeating false belief too though. Dysthymia is something I'm sure I have extensive experience with honestly. Thanks for your insight again, no pressure to find it right away as you say... I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually.
 
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