holy shit im on bluelight again and I'm in recovery


Jun 19, 2013
Holy hell what a trip my life has been.. I don't even want to look back through my post history for the "remember whens" because I already remember when enough. I haven't logged in in probably 2 or 3 years.. last time I was here I had a raging IV coke addiction. I lost everything - again - and was moved out of town to my dads for a few months, but nothing changed, my addiction followed me in the form booze and back to popping OTC pills and extreme isolation, Work and forget your problems was his false attitude.

Well today, friends, marks my 60th day clean of ALL substances. No weed, no booze, no pills, no hard drugs, abso-fucking-lutely nothing. I entered the rooms still smoking weed but quickly realized it wasn't for me anymore either.

I'm 30 years old and I've been drugging myself in one form or another since I basically became aware of the world. My addiction knows no bounds, I don't and never have had a DOC. Cough syrup, moms t1's, SUGAR, video games, READING even - I compulsively attach to and escape away from reality and my feelings at every chance, and always have. Some of the shit I used to do under the guise of "research" was just pure insanity, injecting huge amounts of some unknown RC just because I'd be the first one to do so and I could report on it and feel like I was part of something.. holy hell boys.

I realize I'm about to grab my counsellor key tag so I don't want to preach - lol - but you can do it too.. I feel incredible today.

I can basically sum up things from the end of august until now:

  • Laying in bed wanting to die
  • No friends
  • No job
  • Nothing to do
  • Zero faith in myself and my abilities
  • Failing relationship with gf
  • addicted to pills and smoking weed constantly
  • Total isolation, real and imagined.
  • I have a desire to live
  • I have friends and people I talk to on the regular
  • I'm back to work, slowly gaining more hours
  • I have things to do
  • I am brimming with confidence
  • Live in my own place now
  • Relationship failed with gf, but we're still having sex and are better friends than we'd ever been
  • Sober as fuck. The clarity is amazing
  • I'm no longer isolated. Even when I come home to complete silence, there is always someone for me to talk to, and more people pop up all the time as I continue to live my life and be a good person other people want to be around too

I'm honestly amazed.

I've had sobriety before, but I never had the groups. I was sober but I wasn't doing anything to CHANGE MY LIFE.. Things have been slowly improving day by day and sometimes its felt futile, but when I look back over the whole of the last two+ months going to the rooms I can't help but feel so fucking grateful and proud of myself for what I've accomplished and how incredible a change has come over me.

Sorry this is a novel and a half, but I just want to provide some hope to the still suffering addict out there.. I am a total noob and I fear relapse every day, but by putting myself feet first into the groups and really trying, it's paying off in ways I could have never imagined.

Love you guys, stay strong


Feb 21, 2017
Las Vegas
YESSSSSS. I quietly pray, "I hope you find what I have found...here". Just for today you have found it. Thanks for making the hair on my arms stand up and my eyes sweat. I came for relief, not knowing that happiness, joy, and freedom were available for the taking!


Dec 24, 2012
Glad to hear you are doing so well! I am enjoying recovery as well. I'm currently in rehab 66 days now after 92 days in jail, and looking froward to getting out of here soon and on to a halfway house. I have a sponsor and am working steps but I am still very nervous as I crave drugs alot, mainly alcohol. Not so much when I'm actually in rehab, but when I have left on passes.