Hi lighters

[BILLY-BLUNT]

Hi all,

Sorry I missed this when I joined, maybe a link in the agreement would help but maybe there is one I missed.

This forum has helped me out a lot over the years but I have finally decided to join as I have a lot of experience over 25 years or so.
Currently..
I am on carbamazepine for my epilepsy, pregabalin and morphine for chronic pancreatitis. Zopliclone for insomnia. Recently I have stopped taking tramadol as it lowers my seizure threshold and my Dr has swapped it out for morphine.
Recreationally I have overcome a heavy cocaine/crack/amphetamine addiction years ago and now only use very recreationally maybe 5 or 6 times a year. Smoke weed daily and have for 25+ years. I love the occasional binge on MDMA.
My DOC is ketamine, over the years I have used it heavily but now again, its maybe 8-10 times a year but damn do I love dropping down the hole for a chat with all the entities I interact with.

I am happy to discuss any of these substances and how to use safely, I don't iv anything and hopefully never will.

Peace and love to all.

Billy

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

Sounds like you have had it rough and still have. Hope this site will help you

Welcome!

 

[BILLY-BLUNT]

Sounds like you have had it rough and still have. Hope this site will help you

Welcome!

Hi Schizopath,

Thanks for that welcome, I should also add that psychedelics are my fav path, coming from the UK magic mushrooms just grow everywhere up north in Sept/Oct, so from my childhood I have tripped out every year, I love magic mushrooms (Mexicana, which were legal for a while) and acid especially what we called liquid bliss which I think was lsd27 or some variant which was a little less jagged and a bit more XTC and of course DMT which is a rare treat depending on who is about that has access.

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

I can respect that. I dont do psychedelics at all nowadays but I remember how fun it can be at best. Hope the use of them has helped you as an invidual.

 

[BILLY-BLUNT]

Indeed, I had let's say a traumatic childhood and in my late teens I was on quite a self destructive path, ketamine opened my spirituality and without any doubts saved my life, which I dedicated to helping those more vulnerable than myself and until I began having seizures 2 years or so ago I worked full time running care homes for people with pmld (profound and multiple learning disabilities) for 25years and worked as a legal Independent Mental Capacity Advocate, I still work freelance ensuring care plans do not infringe upon the service users (resident, client, etc..) individual rights in care homes when I can.

For anyone suffering deep suicidal ideation I would recommend a dose of psylocibin or a nice dose of K in a safe environment, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain from opening up the boundaries of possibility to feel the love in the universe.

Billy

 

[emkee_reinvented]

My DOC is ketamine, over the years I have used it heavily but now again, its maybe 8-10 times a year but damn do I love dropping down the hole for a chat with all the entities I interact with.



Billy

Welcome, and after my experiences with Methoxetamine and 2-fluoro-deschloro-Ketamine. I can conclude Ket is definitely unique and special.

 

[Sirena Oscura]

Welcome Billy Your life story definitely gave me the feels and wanna give you a big hug mate. I’m sorry you have and are still going through so much. You must be a very strong person to keep going despite it all. Mad props for the intention to give back to the community too

For anyone suffering deep suicidal ideation I would recommend a dose of psylocibin or a nice dose of K in a safe environment, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain from opening up the boundaries of possibility to feel the love in the universe

Dunno if I just got a lot of low potency mushrooms lately, but it did nothing for me. Haven’t tried Ketamine and probably wouldn’t do it regularly/recreationally given the dissociative effects (I have problems with dissociation normally) but do you think in those times when I’m having a crisis and suicidal a dose of Ket might at least alleviate those feelings for a while instead of relying on prescription Benzos? Is that what you have used in the past? Thanks

 

[mtu mwendawazimu]

Hey @BILLY-BLUNT - i wasn't expecting you to say you've had experience with so many drugs then your DOC being ketamine. Never tried it. Im a weed/coke/meth guy.

Glad you finally joined - we're ecstatic to have you! You sound well versed.

Anyway welcome to Bluelight bud see you around

 

[BILLY-BLUNT]

Hiya,
I am new here but I have read the rules and I am wary of my statement about K looking (rather obviously) like I am promoting drug use..however.. in my professional life I have had extensive experience with the administration of benzos and I have seen first hand that they have a place alleviating pain in some of its many forms. Not that long ago one of the best medications for treating seizures that could go into stasis (seizures that last so long they cause irreparable brain damage) was a little tube of 'rectal diazepam' it literally saved lives in a very real sense, even though it was considered undignified to the person you were supporting but better than brain damage right!? Now we use buccal midazolam which works quicker and doesn't comatose the person, administered orally. I have also worked in a psychiatric care home specialising in bi-polar and schizo-affective disorders and for some of those people when the antipsychotics didn't work the benzos were there to alleviate the crippling fear they felt. It is also obvious that they are a huge help to those suffering withdrawal from opiates. In my experience benzos for depression and suicidal ideation are more like being treated by a combat medic, they patch you up long enough to receive more permanent treatment for your condition.
Hallucinogens I find are more like that long term treatment. They really came to me at a time when I needed something bigger than the world to touch my soul and make me feel that there is more to existence than feeling angry, desperate or nihilistic.

I would describe my initial trips down the "K-hole" as following a typical religious rebirth. The out of body experience put me in a situation where I felt I had possibly died and I just threw myself into whatever was coming next, when I came back around I definitely felt energised, rejuvenated and reborn, even though my initial uses of K were at illegal raves put on with friends of mine who owned a massive sound system. I learned that I enjoyed using K more in a tranquil environment with some chilled music "Nitin Sawney" is my fav. I found myself floating down the Nile on a barge at sunset or flying through huge underground caverns made of iridescent crystal. I conversed with entities that could be external inter-dimentional beings, my subconscious or Jungian archetypes (consciousnesses that have access to all of human experience and may or may not be found encoded in our DNA) in any aspect it doesn't matter, to me what matters is just how it seems and acts. I just know that they act as though they pass on wisdom I may or may not wish to hear but always need to know. More recently having looked after and supported so many individuals I cannot count them all, to discover that I had not only been having full tonic-clonic (grande Mal) drop seizures nocturnally but that I had begun having them during the day and freaking everyone around me out. Several times I woke up in ambulances or in hospital to eventually find out I had had a seizure. The first few times I took K after my diagnosis were a bit ropey as I wasn't sure if they would cause a seizure, happily so far that has not been the case. I was quite pissed off with the universe at this issue being presented to me as my problem. I entered a trip somewhat upset at the universe and had what I will call a "trip tantrum" and blasted the entities, blaming them for my condition, I came out of that trip at peace with my situation, challenges push us out of our comfort zone, they make us grow internally, ultimately overcoming this obstacle will make me a better person, a more powerful one, able to deal with more, making me stronger and more able to help those around me and those I love.
Without hallucinogens I don't think I would be alive let alone any use to anyone or even worse a damaging or violent being angry at the world and hurting everyone near me.

As for mushrooms, the dose is always variable as they are organic, kinda like assessing the strength of weed without a scientific measurement of THC content, although then the high can be variable even amongst strains.
Sometimes 2 or 3 big liberty caps would blow me away all day, other times I could drink a brew with a handful of mushrooms and just be nicely blissed.
I used to keep a jar or powdered liberty caps in the kitchen, friends would often ask for a spoon in their coffee and I was always quite partial to a sprinkle on some bubbling cheese on toast

Anyway if you ever wanna talk about hallucinogens I'm familiar with or god forbid having a bad trip hit me up.

Peace and love to all

Billy

Welcome Billy Your life story definitely gave me the feels and wanna give you a big hug mate. I’m sorry you have and are still going through so much. You must be a very strong person to keep going despite it all. Mad props for the intention to give back to the community too


Dunno if I just got a lot of low potency mushrooms lately, but it did nothing for me. Haven’t tried Ketamine and probably wouldn’t do it regularly/recreationally given the dissociative effects (I have problems with dissociation normally) but do you think in those times when I’m having a crisis and suicidal a dose of Ket might at least alleviate those feelings for a while instead of relying on prescription Benzos? Is that what you have used in the past? Thanks

 

[BILLY-BLUNT]

Hey @BILLY-BLUNT - i wasn't expecting you to say you've had experience with so many drugs then your DOC being ketamine. Never tried it. Im a weed/coke/meth guy.

Glad you finally joined - we're ecstatic to have you! You sound well versed.

Anyway welcome to Bluelight bud see you around

Hi @madness00
Thank you for that welcome. Fortunately (imo) I grew up around drugs as drug dealers seem to run in my family. I love coke but crack really took me by surprise when I was younger, that was one monkey I didn't need, even now so many years later I can't look at a line of Charlie without thinking it's a waste and should be smoked! I have come across meth but stayed away so far, I have an intuition that I would probably love it and find myself attached to the good end of a glass pipe. It's not yet hugely prevalent in the UK but it's only a matter of time.
There is a fearless little drug fiend psychonaught inside me and I love trying something new!
I think this site has probably saved countless lives and prevented the permanent harm individuals would inflict on themselves purely due to ignorance. Knowledge is power and this forum is a hell of a generator.

Peace and love to all

Billy

 

[Sirena Oscura]

Hiya,
I am new here but I have read the rules and I am wary of my statement about K looking (rather obviously) like I am promoting drug use..however.. in my professional life I have had extensive experience with the administration of benzos and I have seen first hand that they have a place alleviating pain in some of its many forms. Not that long ago one of the best medications for treating seizures that could go into stasis (seizures that last so long they cause irreparable brain damage) was a little tube of 'rectal diazepam' it literally saved lives in a very real sense, even though it was considered undignified to the person you were supporting but better than brain damage right!? Now we use buccal midazolam which works quicker and doesn't comatose the person, administered orally. I have also worked in a psychiatric care home specialising in bi-polar and schizo-affective disorders and for some of those people when the antipsychotics didn't work the benzos were there to alleviate the crippling fear they felt. It is also obvious that they are a huge help to those suffering withdrawal from opiates. In my experience benzos for depression and suicidal ideation are more like being treated by a combat medic, they patch you up long enough to receive more permanent treatment for your condition.
Hallucinogens I find are more like that long term treatment. They really came to me at a time when I needed something bigger than the world to touch my soul and make me feel that there is more to existence than feeling angry, desperate or nihilistic.

I would describe my initial trips down the "K-hole" as following a typical religious rebirth. The out of body experience put me in a situation where I felt I had possibly died and I just threw myself into whatever was coming next, when I came back around I definitely felt energised, rejuvenated and reborn, even though my initial uses of K were at illegal raves put on with friends of mine who owned a massive sound system. I learned that I enjoyed using K more in a tranquil environment with some chilled music "Nitin Sawney" is my fav. I found myself floating down the Nile on a barge at sunset or flying through huge underground caverns made of iridescent crystal. I conversed with entities that could be external inter-dimentional beings, my subconscious or Jungian archetypes (consciousnesses that have access to all of human experience and may or may not be found encoded in our DNA) in any aspect it doesn't matter, to me what matters is just how it seems and acts. I just know that they act as though they pass on wisdom I may or may not wish to hear but always need to know. More recently having looked after and supported so many individuals I cannot count them all, to discover that I had not only been having full tonic-clonic (grande Mal) drop seizures nocturnally but that I had begun having them during the day and freaking everyone around me out. Several times I woke up in ambulances or in hospital to eventually find out I had had a seizure. The first few times I took K after my diagnosis were a bit ropey as I wasn't sure if they would cause a seizure, happily so far that has not been the case. I was quite pissed off with the universe at this issue being presented to me as my problem. I entered a trip somewhat upset at the universe and had what I will call a "trip tantrum" and blasted the entities, blaming them for my condition, I came out of that trip at peace with my situation, challenges push us out of our comfort zone, they make us grow internally, ultimately overcoming this obstacle will make me a better person, a more powerful one, able to deal with more, making me stronger and more able to help those around me and those I love.
Without hallucinogens I don't think I would be alive let alone any use to anyone or even worse a damaging or violent being angry at the world and hurting everyone near me.

As for mushrooms, the dose is always variable as they are organic, kinda like assessing the strength of weed without a scientific measurement of THC content, although then the high can be variable even amongst strains.
Sometimes 2 or 3 big liberty caps would blow me away all day, other times I could drink a brew with a handful of mushrooms and just be nicely blissed.
I used to keep a jar or powdered liberty caps in the kitchen, friends would often ask for a spoon in their coffee and I was always quite partial to a sprinkle on some bubbling cheese on toast

Anyway if you ever wanna talk about hallucinogens I'm familiar with or god forbid having a bad trip hit me up.

Peace and love to all

Billy

Mmmm. I don’t really wanna rely on Benzos. Especially because I don’t get them illegally. Doctors (at least here) hate giving them out (which makes me hate asking for or needing them) and I’m aware of all the studies around tolerance, withdrawal and it spontaneously just not working anymore. Part of my problem is help avoidance and wanting to self-medicate. I find Diazepam at small doses helpful at bedtime or when a bit on edge but when I’m in a full blown crisis I take 40x that amount and while it stops me going over the edge, I’m still left with intense agitation. I should also be taking Risperidone regularly and during a crisis but... antipsychotics freak me out a bit with the potential bad side effects and especially with prolonged use.... So yeah was just wondering your thoughts on Ket when having a crisis/intrusive thoughts about suicide and suicidal ideation. My crises tend to involve dissociation though so perhaps not the best angle. Anyway! I’ll take this to a thread in another forum more suitable! Thanks Bil x

 

[BILLY-BLUNT]

Mmmm. I don’t really wanna rely on Benzos. Especially because I don’t get them illegally. Doctors (at least here) hate giving them out (which makes me hate asking for or needing them) and I’m aware of all the studies around tolerance, withdrawal and it spontaneously just not working anymore. Part of my problem is help avoidance and wanting to self-medicate. I find Diazepam at small doses helpful at bedtime or when a bit on edge but when I’m in a full blown crisis I take 40x that amount and while it stops me going over the edge, I’m still left with intense agitation. I should also be taking Risperidone regularly and during a crisis but... antipsychotics freak me out a bit with the potential bad side effects and especially with prolonged use.... So yeah was just wondering your thoughts on Ket when having a crisis/intrusive thoughts about suicide and suicidal ideation. My crises tend to involve dissociation though so perhaps not the best angle. Anyway! I’ll take this to a thread in another forum more suitable! Thanks Bil x

Yes, benzos are short term treatments or rather they treat your short term symptoms. Dissociation comes in many forms I would say my experiences with ketamine although a dissociative experience certainly connected me in many emotional ways. I have worked with some people who lived with dissociative conditions and in fact in one case a gentleman who was quite high on the autistic spectrum the condition took him out of the stressful situation he was experiencing and allowed him to deal with it much more conciously and logically.
I am not going to tell you to always take your psych meds as prescribed because you are almost always the best person to judge the effects of medications upon you doctors and psychiatrists should be guides, please take advantage of their experience and knowledge but always trust your instinct with your own mind and body.
In my experience despite the labels and very real.side effects of antipsychotics they can often help with balancing brain chemistry, I had a resident who had when off his meds jumped off London bridge..twice!! His meds definitely helped him stay lucid and calm enough not to try to drown himself and give me heart attack with further regularity.
I also managed a home part of a care provider which used an at the time unlicensed antipsychotic called clozaril. We attempted a training seminar about this medication which discussed a rare but possible side effect "sudden death" I was heavily against this drug being used in my service but eventually came round a year or so later after seeing some remarkable results with residents suffering quite extreme schizophrenic disorders.
If you move this query to another part of the forum can you somehow ping me a link so I can read and follow it, I'm a bit intrigued now
I would say if you wish to try K do it with someone you trust who has experience with it and try it in a safe peaceful environment. I'm not experienced with its use as some kind of rescue medication. However you may find that your experience with dissociative states makes these first trips less seat of the pants, out of body rollercoasters other people often have or even allow you to feel in control of inducing these states allowing you to learn how to deal with them in a controlled environment so that when you experience episodes of dissociation which are out of your control you are better equipped to navigate through them back to better periods or states of mental health.

Peace and love to all

Billy

 

[BILLY-BLUNT]

@nOtHiNg_ElSe_MaTtErS
Just a quick query, I'm a big psytrance fan although my musical taste is eclectic, I'm also at home buried in some thrash metal, is your tag a tribute to the epic Metallica track?

BB

 

[Sirena Oscura]

Hahahaha yes! I was never a big Metallica fan (Slayer, Pantera, Megadeth sure) but my exhusband was. This was “our song”. We’re separated but not fully divorced (yet?) but I’m trying to branch out on my own while nothing is certain... I guess the song and namesake are just my way of feeling connected while branching out. He chose it and I had to admit it was good.

But yeah I’ll open up my conundrum to others and mention you. I see what you mean trying it before deciding to use it as a go-to. There’s definitely good dissociation and bad. Very fine line. I bet you’re trying to work out my diagnosis. It’s not that special. So far BPD, complex PTSD with dissociative disorder and some background anxiety and depression (don’t we all?). I present extremely well though, you wouldn’t know unless I told you. Hold down a job, everything.

Take it easy BB

 

[BILLY-BLUNT]

Hahahaha yes! I was never a big Metallica fan (Slayer, Pantera, Megadeth sure) but my exhusband was. This was “our song”. We’re separated but not fully divorced (yet?) but I’m trying to branch out on my own while nothing is certain... I guess the song and namesake are just my way of feeling connected while branching out. He chose it and I had to admit it was good.

But yeah I’ll open up my conundrum to others and mention you. I see what you mean trying it before deciding to use it as a go-to. There’s definitely good dissociation and bad. Very fine line. I bet you’re trying to work out my diagnosis. It’s not that special. So far BPD, complex PTSD with dissociative disorder and some background anxiety and depression (don’t we all?). I present extremely well though, you wouldn’t know unless I told you. Hold down a job, everything.

Take it easy BB

Hehehe,
Yup I am a Slayer fan and still hold that Dave Lombardo is the best drummer ever to walk the land, I also saw an interview with Dave Mustaine back in the day where he claimed Metallica was his band and instead of them booting him from the band he had in fact sacked all the other members of Metallica before changing the name to Megadeath! Wow truly blinding arrogance! (Still love Megadeath!)

As to your conditions, I am definitely not qualified enough to diagnose anyone, especially from the few questions you posed to me. anxiety is only just beginning to be understood, I have a trans teenage son from a previous relationship that suffers acutely with anxiety and it's been at times crippling. You still have a rough combination-diagnosis for anyone to deal with, however you are still on this forum and despite your drive to self-medicate without prx drugs and self confessed help-avoidance behaviour you are here asking relevant questions in a bid to take control of your conditions and not allow them to control you. So fair play, Don't be afraid to ask your Drs or healthcare professionals for help when you need it, for all the fear we may have of asking for more meds when we need them, risking being tagged somewhere as a junkie and thus prevented from being prescribed the correct dosage of the correct drug for your need, remember that medical records are your property and any claim that you are feeding an addiction by requesting more medication can usually be stricken from them if recorded to your determent without your knowledge or consent. You can in the UK at least always request your records and check something like that's not in them. A good Dr will never just decline your request and tag you with a blacklisting mark. They should always take your feedback as a matter of priority, if not, then it's time to search for a more progressive and sympathetic Dr. They, as a profession are prone to being stuck in their ways, lacking the most up to date knowledge and unlikely to admit that they are are best making an educated guess at the best treatment for you which is almost as likely to be wrong as right.


Peace and love to all

Billy

 

[emkee_reinvented]

Dunno if I just got a lot of low potency mushrooms lately, but it did nothing for me. Haven’t tried Ketamine and probably wouldn’t do it regularly/recreationally given the dissociative effects (I have problems with dissociation normally) but do you think in those times when I’m having a crisis and suicidal a dose of Ket might at least alleviate those feelings for a while instead of relying on prescription Benzos? Is that what you have used in the past? Thanks

Theoratically if one would choose a disso instead of a benzo for a psychedelic crisis. Ketamine would be the one that would be best fitted imo.

But I would not recommend it. Ride it out is my rule of thumb with Mushrooms. You feel great when they stop working, time dilation will make it seem like forever. But we are talking 3.5/ 5 hours tripping max.

 

[Sirena Oscura]

Theoratically if one would choose a disso instead of a benzo for a psychedelic crisis. Ketamine would be the one that would be best fitted imo.

But I would not recommend it. Ride it out is my rule of thumb with Mushrooms. You feel great when they stop working, time dilation will make it seem like forever. But we are talking 3.5/ 5 hours tripping max.

Yeah? Haha.

Mmmmmmaybe I’ll save a 5g baggy and see if it helps when I know a crisis is coming on rather than way down the track....

 

[emkee_reinvented]

Yeah? Haha.

Mmmmmmaybe I’ll save a 5g baggy and see if it helps when I know a crisis is coming on rather than way down the track....

After coming down of the Shrooms and with Ketamine available.

Very obvious what would happen would you be me. I would transition from coming down into K-land. But I am a pig when it comes to drugs

 

[bongdong]

Hey @BILLY-BLUNT, nice meeting you!
Wow, you underwent quite some stuff, health- and drugwise; ..and still open and helping out others. (y) *tempted to judge myself*, as to how infantile i deal with my petty shit; closing myself up, getting bitter and cynical, almost antisocial. Anyway. May i ask how old you are, roughly?

.. I should also add that psychedelics are my fav path, coming from the UK magic mushrooms just grow everywhere up north in Sept/Oct, so from my childhood I have tripped out every year, I love magic mushrooms ..

That's so cool and how i imagine it should be; maybe not starting in childhood, but generally speaking ..working with nature, locally, etc. Theoretical, psilocybe should grow where i live too, but i never found any (yet) despite the fact that one of my eyes is always looking out for some since i like mushrooms overall. Even tried to start an annual outdoor grow spot (in my early enthusiastic psychedelic years) with wood chips as medium, but didn't succeed..

@nOtHiNg_ElSe_MaTtErS Growing up i was a huge Metallica fan

Good luck with your health situations y'all

 

[BILLY-BLUNT]

@bongdong I don't know about roughly, I think roughly I feel about 60 but in reality I'm 43. I now live on the south coast of England and it's just not damp enough for a proper mushroom season down here, it was a hell of a shock when I found out, someone tried to sell me some mushroom caps at a rave and I was laughing saying wtf man that shit grows out of the ground I ain't paying money for that, seriously! He was like..sorry bruv but they don't grow down here.....no way are you fking joking?!? Sadly he was not, I am talking with a friend of mine about getting some grow kits so I can try out some more exotic types of shroom. They changed the law over here a while back, when I was growing up it was legal to pick and eat them but if you cured them in any way like drying them out they jumped to class A, this lead to a loophole that allowed head shops to sell mushrooms as long as they were still fresh so you could get all kinds of shrooms and psychedelic truffles etc.. plus you could buy grow kits for all sorts of stuff, I wish I had taken more notice and tried more shit before it fell beneath the wheels of conservative governments and they made it illegal to even pick them although how they expect to police that properly is beyond me I mean what if I'm mowing the lawn and I cut some shrooms by mistake? Am I going to prison now? However note about eating fresh mushrooms, we always used to eat the first few you find straight away because somehow you find way more mushrooms when your high, flick 'em and pick em also go hunting the day after it rained heavily because those fkers can pop up overnight, so I loved eating them fresh until I got a big piece of black card to dry them out on one year, shit the day after I picked about a carrier bag full of shrooms after a successful hunt I went to check on them drying in the attic next to my bedroom, holy shit the amount of little critters and tiny worms that crawled out of them made my stomach flip, wasn't so keen on eating them wet after that but I guessed a quick buzz in the microwave would kill most things but I had to keep munching a few when hunting so I could find more so I just had to not think about that bit when on a mission.

Peace and love

Billy