chunzlayd33
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 4, 2010
- Messages
- 20
tweaking 2 months, havent allowed "comedown". How it began, the effects it has
Yes, that is true. I haven't came down for about 2 months now. However I've been smoking the last 6 months, but it was only on the weekends. The weekends turned into the weekdays, and soon it became everyday...
This is what people call "relapse"
Because this is not the first time I've allowed myself to become addicted to it. I really abused the drug in my early 20's. I was really bad. I corrupted so many innocent people, I snuck out everynight with random people, I used to force myself to stay awake, because I enjoyed the feeling of being paranoid, angry, and psycotic, and at one point I wanted to see how long I could go without sleep, so I did...I stayed up for two weeks straight, only quick naps (20 minutes or less), I was insane, and I still kind of remember how I felt the final days when my body completely shut down. I remember waking up next to the crack of my bedroom door, and your probably wondering why I fell asleep there, huh? Well, I was so paranoid that I would lay down on the floor for hours straight listening to voices and footsteps, thinking that everyone was out to get me, until, finally I blacked out. I slept for 3 full days. It wasn't a good kind of sleep, though. The sleep was so deep, that I thought I was in a coma or dead.
I used so many people and took advantage of so many people until I got what I needed, and could care less if I lost them or not. Straight heartless, not giving a fuck, no hope for the future or for change in my life. But, as time went by I did change once I met my fiance, and he changed me for the better. Although we still did drugs together, I wasn't out of control like I was before. I had found someone that could hold me down....
5 years later, here I am...letting history repeat itself. However, this time around is much different. I have become a functional addict.
I work full time, take care of my family and child, pay bills and rent on time, attend social events and family gatherings, eat, sleep, and function to what other people would say appears to be normal....but if they only knew the truth behind it all. So here is what my body is experiencing these past 2 months as I have not allowed my body to comedown:
Yes, I sleep everynight, however, I do not have "dreams" anymore...every night is just blank to me. I see nothingness, blackness...until I wake up. My fiance also informed me that I have slept walked many times, having conversations unconsciously and walking around the room in a daze, talking random words that make no sense, and the morning after I have no recollection of this ever occuring. And on some days when I wake up in the morning my eyes are completely blurry, (I have 20/20 vision) no matter how much visine I use to lubricate my eyes, it does nothing, I cannot see or read clearly at all for the first 2 hours after 'waking up'. Trippy that happens because I get rest for at least 4-6 hours everynight. I am not binging the drug use by staying up for days on end, my eyes should be fine...but they are not. It is very uncomfortable, and a little bit painful at times.
The other issue I am currently facing, and is something I never faced before, not even in my past days when I was heavier user of this drug is a problem with my bladder, or kidneys, which one I am not too sure, but whenever I try to urinate, it takes a long time to do it. At one point, I had to go so badly but couldn't, I sat there fully concentrating for a full 5 minutes. Until I finally released. And this is not caused by something 'physically' wrong with me (ie: yeast infection, bladder infection, std etc.) I definitely do not have any of the symptoms that would indicate I had any of those problems. It feels like there is an issue with the part of the brain that controls movement and coordination in daily functions that most people don't even have to think About in order to do it. It is natural to most people. But people who abuse drugs in long term usage face this kind of problem. The problem mostly will effect or damage the nervous system, which is pretty much what every single person needs to live a normal healthy life without retardation or disease.
I am also irritable, depressed, have obsessive habits I cannot control, mood-swings, anger issues, frustration, and very poor memory (both short term and long term), but the problem is more with my short term memory.
It has been 2 months now since this day to day maintanance begun, and I have not once camedown yet. In the beggining I feared facing a horrible comedown....now I fear facing withdrawl, as I have become much more dependant on it than before when I binged for days then crashed. At least my body did crash and rejuvinated itself before binging again. I did try to see what I felt like last week, when I didn't smoke at the time my body was used to. And I have honestly never felt like that before. I began to sweat profusely, felt extremely nauscious and sick to my stomach, my entire body was shaking all over, I felt chills, and felt so weak I couild barely talk or stand, or even to keep my eyes open. I honestly at that point didn't even want more of the drug, but I smoked it to see how my body would react. And my body did react to it. I felt normal again. I didn't even feel high off of the drug at that moment. My body needs the drug to function now. And I will have to cope with the simple fact that one day, this will end....
Yes, that is true. I haven't came down for about 2 months now. However I've been smoking the last 6 months, but it was only on the weekends. The weekends turned into the weekdays, and soon it became everyday...
This is what people call "relapse"
Because this is not the first time I've allowed myself to become addicted to it. I really abused the drug in my early 20's. I was really bad. I corrupted so many innocent people, I snuck out everynight with random people, I used to force myself to stay awake, because I enjoyed the feeling of being paranoid, angry, and psycotic, and at one point I wanted to see how long I could go without sleep, so I did...I stayed up for two weeks straight, only quick naps (20 minutes or less), I was insane, and I still kind of remember how I felt the final days when my body completely shut down. I remember waking up next to the crack of my bedroom door, and your probably wondering why I fell asleep there, huh? Well, I was so paranoid that I would lay down on the floor for hours straight listening to voices and footsteps, thinking that everyone was out to get me, until, finally I blacked out. I slept for 3 full days. It wasn't a good kind of sleep, though. The sleep was so deep, that I thought I was in a coma or dead.
I used so many people and took advantage of so many people until I got what I needed, and could care less if I lost them or not. Straight heartless, not giving a fuck, no hope for the future or for change in my life. But, as time went by I did change once I met my fiance, and he changed me for the better. Although we still did drugs together, I wasn't out of control like I was before. I had found someone that could hold me down....
5 years later, here I am...letting history repeat itself. However, this time around is much different. I have become a functional addict.
I work full time, take care of my family and child, pay bills and rent on time, attend social events and family gatherings, eat, sleep, and function to what other people would say appears to be normal....but if they only knew the truth behind it all. So here is what my body is experiencing these past 2 months as I have not allowed my body to comedown:
Yes, I sleep everynight, however, I do not have "dreams" anymore...every night is just blank to me. I see nothingness, blackness...until I wake up. My fiance also informed me that I have slept walked many times, having conversations unconsciously and walking around the room in a daze, talking random words that make no sense, and the morning after I have no recollection of this ever occuring. And on some days when I wake up in the morning my eyes are completely blurry, (I have 20/20 vision) no matter how much visine I use to lubricate my eyes, it does nothing, I cannot see or read clearly at all for the first 2 hours after 'waking up'. Trippy that happens because I get rest for at least 4-6 hours everynight. I am not binging the drug use by staying up for days on end, my eyes should be fine...but they are not. It is very uncomfortable, and a little bit painful at times.
The other issue I am currently facing, and is something I never faced before, not even in my past days when I was heavier user of this drug is a problem with my bladder, or kidneys, which one I am not too sure, but whenever I try to urinate, it takes a long time to do it. At one point, I had to go so badly but couldn't, I sat there fully concentrating for a full 5 minutes. Until I finally released. And this is not caused by something 'physically' wrong with me (ie: yeast infection, bladder infection, std etc.) I definitely do not have any of the symptoms that would indicate I had any of those problems. It feels like there is an issue with the part of the brain that controls movement and coordination in daily functions that most people don't even have to think About in order to do it. It is natural to most people. But people who abuse drugs in long term usage face this kind of problem. The problem mostly will effect or damage the nervous system, which is pretty much what every single person needs to live a normal healthy life without retardation or disease.
I am also irritable, depressed, have obsessive habits I cannot control, mood-swings, anger issues, frustration, and very poor memory (both short term and long term), but the problem is more with my short term memory.
It has been 2 months now since this day to day maintanance begun, and I have not once camedown yet. In the beggining I feared facing a horrible comedown....now I fear facing withdrawl, as I have become much more dependant on it than before when I binged for days then crashed. At least my body did crash and rejuvinated itself before binging again. I did try to see what I felt like last week, when I didn't smoke at the time my body was used to. And I have honestly never felt like that before. I began to sweat profusely, felt extremely nauscious and sick to my stomach, my entire body was shaking all over, I felt chills, and felt so weak I couild barely talk or stand, or even to keep my eyes open. I honestly at that point didn't even want more of the drug, but I smoked it to see how my body would react. And my body did react to it. I felt normal again. I didn't even feel high off of the drug at that moment. My body needs the drug to function now. And I will have to cope with the simple fact that one day, this will end....
Last edited:
