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Exhausted Have you ever felt, that you've done so many drugs throughout your life you don't enjoy them anymore, but are just addicted to them?

rageiuz

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 20, 2020
Messages
2
Hey all, just wanted to say I'm glad I found bluelight again. I guess this website was purged from Google years ago and I was never able to find it again. Anyways my father died a week ago from covid. Me and my sister woke up found he didn't have a pulse, gave CPR, but he was already gone. Anyways this event led me to take more of my subutex as prescribed and I ran out early. Having this problem before I didn't want to bother the doctor so I opted to buy some on the street and bought some heroin instead.

Anyways I ended up relapsing but I just decided it's going to be a momentary lapse, nothing big no downhill path. One of the last talks I had with my dad was about me never going to a place where I was last year - flipping my new suv, trying to kill myself, quitting my job to go to rehab. It's true. Even though I may relapse I will never go there again and get that bad. I can't now.

So when I relapsed I've finally realized what I've known before but didn't pay attention to - I don't even enjoy doing this shit anymore. And it's not just heroin. Coke, crack , meth just gets me agitated and paranoid and I have to do so much heroin to feel anything that it can make me nauseous and hungover. I don't enjoy it I'm just addicted to it. I've been doing this for 10 years, maybe my dopamine receptors are just gone? Whenever I light heroin in the spoon, the vinegar smell makes me gag. It actually made me throw up after I was already high on it.

That's why I made this thread. I was wondering if any other addicts have experienced this. Doing drugs, not getting euphoria but still can't quit. Do you feel like your dopamine receptors got worn out? Is this unique to me?
 

Bare_head

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 7, 2005
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2,400
Location
UK
Im sorry to hear about your dad passing away. Life is an amazing thing and losing a loved one can be really tough.

Like everything in life. Moderation is the key.

Drugs can be if used right a great tool to enjoy yourself or explore your mind as well as connect with friends.

I found when i was taking drugs for the wrong reasons, Thats when problems arose.

Addiction is no joke. Hope u can get the help u need. When we have lost a loved one sometimes we try find a crutch eg relapsing on heroin/opiates. Dnt forget what made u want to quit in the first place and dnt be so hard on yourself when in a bad place.

If u have those feelings with these drugs i feel u can completely rid them of your life . You are aware its just using that willpower. We all have it but during hard times our willpower can seem non existant.

Stay strong . Much love
 

jackie jones

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 2, 2008
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ADK
Although not altogether true, I feel like I have done everything. I have less of the "I want to feel and know every drug in existence" type of mindset.

Welcome to Bluelight, by the way.
 

I_Hate_This_Place

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 16, 2019
Messages
590
Location
Buying Real Estate In Imaginary Places
Can you expand on your question?
I'm also curious as to what is meant by the question. When I type "Bluelight" into Google without adding further context the first result is this site. Apparently Bluelight even has a Twitter account. So I'm quite curious as well? I'm in the USA for reference in case it's a regional thing. :)
 

CFC

Tech Support
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Mar 9, 2013
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The Shire
OP likely just means Google filtered its search results to de-rank sites like Bluelight and drugs-forum from high up in the listings.
 

CFC

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That's why I made this thread. I was wondering if any other addicts have experienced this. Doing drugs, not getting euphoria but still can't quit. Do you feel like your dopamine receptors got worn out? Is this unique to me?
I think that's actually quite a common feeling rageiuz, and part of the reason addiction is so hard to kick 😕
 

Gormur

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 20, 2009
Messages
2,105
Location
Pasadena
I think I get it. You don't feel good or as good as you'd like to on the drug, but you don't feel good sober either

I feel exactly the same way. There are moments when I feel amazing on drugs but that's the only time I ever do. I think it's brain chemistry and I wish I knew what to tell you or how to change it but I don't :(

Maybe hobbies would help you. They've helped me just getting by but I'll warn you I'm not sober. I'm the type who will never be sober because it isn't part of who I am and I've actually accepted that

Hopefully I've helped
 

rageiuz

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 20, 2020
Messages
2
I'm also curious as to what is meant by the question. When I type "Bluelight" into Google without adding further context the first result is this site. Apparently Bluelight even has a Twitter account. So I'm quite curious as well? I'm in the USA for reference in case it's a regional thing. :)
Yeah, CFC is correct. I guess I never knew I could disable safe search or whatever because for the last few years whenever I searched for bluelight, or drug forum, all I got on the first page were rehab links, government funded drug educational sites, drug abuse counseling, etc. Its got me curious to see if erowid has been blocked by them as well now that I think about it.

I think that's actually quite a common feeling rageiuz, and part of the reason addiction is so hard to kick 😕
I think I get it. You don't feel good or as good as you'd like to on the drug, but you don't feel good sober either

I feel exactly the same way. There are moments when I feel amazing on drugs but that's the only time I ever do. I think it's brain chemistry and I wish I knew what to tell you or how to change it but I don't :(

Maybe hobbies would help you. They've helped me just getting by but I'll warn you I'm not sober. I'm the type who will never be sober because it isn't part of who I am and I've actually accepted that

Hopefully I've helped
Thanks guys. let me give a further example of what I mean when I say I don't find euphoria from drugs anymore. Let's use meth, or coke for an example since they are very similar .


I ingest the drug but it seems like the rush I was craving from the release of dopamine was actually already released on my way to get it. I get a front euphoric rush, but I caution slowly because I don't want to OD. After the 5 second rush that I seemingly did it all for i am now paranoid, my teeth clench, my body temp has risen, my heart is pounding. I am not high anymore. I might as well have injected adrenaline or caffeine - a bad experience with no euphoria. Too much coffee feeling. Then I repeat the process when I feel I'm ready all for that 5 second rush. Get what I'm saying? It's like this for all the hard drugs, in different ways that I've ever done except benzos.

Thanks for all your replies. Actually means a lot. I'm going to come into some money from my dad's death so it really is important for me to stay clean right now. My sister and me are dealing with this and she cried and said she doesn't want to see me go on a downward spiral. I've been trying to get clean for so long now so ill just keep giving it my best. I've done so good so far.

I was just wondering, are the mods and crew of this sub forum all in recovery or what?
 

CFC

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I ingest the drug but it seems like the rush I was craving from the release of dopamine was actually already released on my way to get it. I get a front euphoric rush, but I caution slowly because I don't want to OD. After the 5 second rush that I seemingly did it all for i am now paranoid, my teeth clench, my body temp has risen, my heart is pounding. I am not high anymore. I might as well have injected adrenaline or caffeine - a bad experience with no euphoria. Too much coffee feeling. Then I repeat the process when I feel I'm ready all for that 5 second rush. Get what I'm saying? It's like this for all the hard drugs, in different ways that I've ever done except benzos.
You're describing addiction my friend - it's what many people experience after having used a drug for some time. The powerful compulsion to use it remains, but the pleasure associated with that use continuously diminishes to almost nothing (or worse). Some are lucky and still feel something 'worthwhile', but many others don't. Regardless, they all still feel compelled to use the drug, even when doing so feels kinda crappy.
 

jackie jones

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are the mods and crew of this sub forum all in recovery or what?
I am in recovery. I quit opioids with serious intent 3 months ago and quit alcohol and cigarettes 1 month ago.

I am prescribed Suboxone, which I take as prescribed, and also take the maximum daily dose of Gabapentin, 1200mg TID, with Phenibut as a poteniator. I found my sweet spot. I am working and active in therapy. I have a goal and feel like I am doing things right for the first time in my adult life.

So, am I recovered? No, but I am heading that way.
 
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G_Chem

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 17, 2015
Messages
2,152
Been there my man.. That’s one of many reasons the psychedelic/empathogenic drugs became more my thing once I quit heroin and crack.

These days if I use heroin or other strong opiates it doesn’t do much for me, cocaine gets me off on the first one if it’s been a long time but after 2 lines I’m back to square one.

Once you’ve burnt out you’ve burnt out. Thankfully there’s substances out there which can help break up life’s monotony, give new perspective, and they have minimal addictive tendencies.

-GC
 

fieldshire

Greenlighter
Joined
May 31, 2017
Messages
22
Location
Germany
I experienced the same thing as well. A couple years ago I made the decision to quit Heroin. I've relapsed more than a few times in the last couple years though. The difference is, everytime I'll buy it and do some of it, then remember it sucks, and throw it away. Used to never feel this way before 2018. I guess some sort of switch went in my head and now I don't find it very enjoyable.
 

Atelier3

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 28, 2019
Messages
1,050
Historically I've gone in cycles where it takes me about six months of solid use to get to the point people are talking about then I sober up and think I'm done with drugs. This lasts maybe for a year or several but I always wind up back in the same place - even though I actually think I enjoy those sober periods pretty well and honestly believe they are better than being on drugs. I honestly have no idea why I keep coming back to drugs every few years -it's like I completely forget how shit they ultimately make me and what they cost me in life. Even though my ability to enjoy stimulants is totally burned out I am still drawn to them like a moth to a flame.
 

dopamimetic

Moderator: N&PD
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It is depression and comes up when you put the focus of your life onto doing drugs instead of using them as tools. It's perfectly ok to like and value them, to research about and increase your knowledge etc but just doing drugs is a lonely and sad route. Imho the neurotoxicity thing is half true, half bullshit. We are living beings and always in flux. Psychology and Biology are two sides of the same medallion, like ☯.

I know this thought concept and mental landscape very well and struggled about it too but that's my conclusion so far. Do something you like & love with your life. Use the drugs as tools, cheats whatever to achieve your dreams but don't let them take over your life and self!
 

fieldshire

Greenlighter
Joined
May 31, 2017
Messages
22
Location
Germany
Historically I've gone in cycles where it takes me about six months of solid use to get to the point people are talking about then I sober up and think I'm done with drugs. This lasts maybe for a year or several but I always wind up back in the same place - even though I actually think I enjoy those sober periods pretty well and honestly believe they are better than being on drugs. I honestly have no idea why I keep coming back to drugs every few years -it's like I completely forget how shit they ultimately make me and what they cost me in life. Even though my ability to enjoy stimulants is totally burned out I am still drawn to them like a moth to a flame.
I think over time we tend to choose to remember only the good memories we have of the time we were using and convince ourselves subconsciously that's it's okay to use again. Everything will be okay if we only do it once right?

My memory is already shite and after 6 months to a year, I forget how bad things really were. I tend to need a reminder every once in a while of how it was before. Otherwise, I will convince myself over time that it's okay and fall back into the cycle again.
 

OpiateKiller

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 14, 2019
Messages
703
Oh yeah, y isn't bluelight accesible through Google? Anyone care to explain.
Honestly because Google filters and alters results. I think honestly because this isn't a site google or the gov't would want people to find.

Any location someone can learn great information about drugs and thinking deeper, bigger perceptions and anything conclusive to individualism is a threat
 
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