have had it with friend with benefits

[tweakerguy]

What did I say that was hateful?

Nothing lol.
You just didn't tell her what she wanted to hear.

I have been pretty upset by how much unsuspected misogyny is at large in bluelight, though.

Well it is a public forum that you presented your issue on, and you might not always like the responses you get. (Something tells me you're the type who wouldn't object to "cancelling" people for their opinions but that's another topic)..

When you lay out all that information wherein you basically tell everyone that even after 27 years of being walked on, you're apparently turned on by it or just a glutton for punishment or something?
I've known many women like this (thankfully, that mostly stopped after highschool) and they all shared a common trait.
None of them could ever take any responsibility for their part in the drama. Whether that was just returning to the abuse again and again, never leaving at all, or leaving stuff out that wouldn't paint them as the helpless victim they wanted to be.

You are right however with keeping dirty laundry to the PM's if you don't want certain opinions/advice.

Walk away from the grief and good luck

 

[tweakerguy]

Also for what its worth, you aren't a bad looking woman by any stretch .

 

[MrsGamp]

I don't think women owe me anything.
They actually offer me everything I need from them quite easily.
I'm engaged to a fantastic woman right now, who probably has higher value than you do.

I doubt your "fantastic"'fiancé exists tbh. If she does, I pity her.

 

[MrsGamp]

The first response to this thread was mine.

Was I wrong?

Was I fuck!

FUBAR it wasn't the worst by any
means but it was a bit reductive. "Don't shag dickheads" ...
made me feel like a dickhead and it
just isn't that simple.

 

[MrsGamp]

If I'm fucking someone I know they can at least get me a meal. Hooker Economics 101.

I guess that's meant to be funny but I could do without the "hooker" comment CH.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I guess that's meant to be funny but I could do without the "hooker" comment CH.

I was referring to myself

but I can edit it out

 

[alasdairm]

it’s sounds to me like there was a disconnect between he and you over the terms of the relationship. when did you last talk about what you expected from - and what the boundaries were - of the relationship?

alasdair

 

[MrsGamp]

Nothing lol.
You just didn't tell her what she wanted to hear.



Well it is a public forum that you presented your issue on, and you might not always like the responses you get. (Something tells me you're the type who wouldn't object to "cancelling" people for their opinions but that's another topic)..

When you lay out all that information wherein you basically tell everyone that even after 27 years of being walked on, you're apparently turned on by it or just a glutton for punishment or something?
I've known many women like this (thankfully, that mostly stopped after highschool) and they all shared a common trait.
None of them could ever take any responsibility for their part in the drama. Whether that was just returning to the abuse again and again, never leaving at all, or leaving stuff out that wouldn't paint them as the helpless victim they wanted to be.

You are right however with keeping dirty laundry to the PM's if you don't want certain opinions/advice.

Walk away from the grief and good luck

I concede maybe there was too much info in OP...I was venting.

I wouldn't cancel people for "opinions" but the comments to the effect that 47 y/o women are sexually finished aren't opinions - that's misogyny.

One poster called me a "moaning cunt lucky to get fucked at all".

That's not an opinion.

 

[nuttynutskin]

We've been involved on and off for literally ... oh dear ... 27 YEARS! When we first got together I was 19 and he was 24. He was always a prick and he hurt me dreadfully, but at least the sex was good.

You've been off and on for literally 27 years but you're still surprised he acts the same?

People can only treat you like shit if you let them.

 

[Jabberwocky]

The interesting thing in this thread is the difference in treatment between self-destructive drug behaviour and self-destructive sexual behaviour (of a woman).

BL is full of threads and posts by drug addicts seemingly unable to control their self/destructive and often quite abject behaviour for decades. These posts and threads most often receive sympathy or a knowing wink and nod.

However, a woman whose sexual behaviour is probably governed by many of the same psychological processes that contribute to drug use and addiction is called out as being particularly weak or stupid - either directly or implied.

I find @MrsGamp’s oversharing quite confronting but I don’t see her sexual life as in any way different to the drug life shared by dozens of people on this site (including myself).

The lack of control, the lack of self-respect, the seeking of solace, the regrets, the desire for change but the inability to break free - all very much the same in my view.

I was no more capable of putting down the needle than MrsGamp has been able to say no to sorting out her FWB - yet I got nothing but understanding and support from people regarding my weakness.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I doubt your "fantastic"'fiancé exists tbh. If she does, I pity her.

That's sad.
Not all women are like you.
Some women actually provide and have value in themselves.
At least she isn't offering herself out there in some fucked up "friends with benefits" relationships and thinking she's obligated to money because of she has sex with men, like you do.
There's actual word for women who want money out of sex

 

[mal3volent]

One poster called me a "moaning cunt lucky to get fucked at all".

that user was dealt with and his post was removed. Other than that, I don't see anything too disrespectful. Especially not by any mod. As someone else said, this is a forum, and people have the right to respond honestly to whatever you CHOOSE to post.

 

[Jabberwocky]

That's sad.
Not all women are like you.
Some women actually provide and have value in themselves.
At least she isn't offering herself out there in some fucked up "friends with benefits" relationships and thinking she's obligated to money because of she has sex with men, like you do.
There's actual word for women who want money out of sex

There is a deeper level to this if you take the sex out of it. Reciprocity is a fundamental human value in all societies. While there are also selfish people who only look out for themselves in all societies, at the level of culture the general principle is always “I do something for you, you do something for me”.

Most normal people are hurt or angered when the principle of reciprocity is violated by people who take but don’t give.

Furthermore, at the level of “friend” it is usually presumed that people don’t really keep score on whether their giving is reciprocated on a 1:1basis but that over time things even out.

So apart from sex, MrsGamp has given of her time, her emotions, her very self to this asshole who clearly violates a very basic human norm around giving back at least as much as you take. Her anger is therefore rightious and justified in my book.

And even with sex, or perhaps especially in the case of sex, reciprocity is expected in almost all cultures. If not at the level of reciprocating pleasure, then in reciprocating some equivalent measure of material support or protection.

So expecting “something” in return for sex is part of the human condition and should not be used to judge a woman in moral terms - since reciprocity is deeply embedded in the moral framework of all human societies.

 

[nuttynutskin]

There is a deeper level to this if you take the sex out of it. Reciprocity is a fundamental human value in all societies. While there are also selfish people who only look out for themselves in all societies, at the level of culture the general principle is always “I do something for you, you do something for me”.

Most normal people are hurt or angered when the principle of reciprocity is violated by people who take but don’t give.

Furthermore, at the level of “friend” it is usually presumed that people don’t really keep score on whether their giving is reciprocated on a 1:1basis but that over time things even out.

So apart from sex, MrsGamp has given of her time, her emotions, her very self to this asshole who clearly violates a very basic human norm around giving back at least as much as you take. Her anger is therefore rightious and justified in my book.

And even with sex, or perhaps especially in the case of sex, reciprocity is expected in almost all cultures. If not at the level of reciprocating pleasure, then in reciprocating some equivalent measure of material support or protection.

So expecting “something” in return for sex is part of the human condition and should not be used to judge a woman in moral terms - since reciprocity is deeply embedded in the moral framework of all human societies.

So she should take no responsibility in having this douche-nozzle in her life on and off for 27 years? I guess she could just stay connected to him for another 27 years and come here and complain about it, but that's not exactly progressing in life is it?

 

[Jabberwocky]

There is a deeper level to this if you take the sex out of it. Reciprocity is a fundamental human value in all societies. While there are also selfish people who only look out for themselves in all societies, at the level of culture the general principle is always “I do something for you, you do something for me”.

Most normal people are hurt or angered when the principle of reciprocity is violated by people who take but don’t give.

Furthermore, at the level of “friend” it is usually presumed that people don’t really keep score on whether their giving is reciprocated on a 1:1basis but that over time things even out.

So apart from sex, MrsGamp has given of her time, her emotions, her very self to this asshole who clearly violates a very basic human norm around giving back at least as much as you take. Her anger is therefore rightious and justified in my book.

And even with sex, or perhaps especially in the case of sex, reciprocity is expected in almost all cultures. If not at the level of reciprocating pleasure, then in reciprocating some equivalent measure of material support or protection.

So expecting “something” in return for sex is part of the human condition and should not be used to judge a woman in moral terms - since reciprocity is deeply embedded in the moral framework of all human societies.

I find it completely justified not to want borrow money.
I have principle that I don't borrow or lend money to anyone or from anyone.
Sex should be something both parties enjoy.
You get as you give in sex.
I don't think you are entitled to anything, just because of you have sex with someone.
She made her bed, so she will lie in it.

So she should take no responsibility in having this douche-nozzle in her life on and off for 27 years? I guess she could just stay connected to him for another 27 years and come here and complain about it, but that's not exactly progressing in life is it?

Nooo, she doesn't need to take any responsibility why would she?
she's over 45 and this is how she acts.
explains EVERYTHING you need to know.

 

[Jabberwocky]

So she should take no responsibility in having this douche-nozzle in her life on and off for 27 years? I guess she could just stay connected to him for another 27 years and come here and complain about it, but that's not exactly progressing in life is it?

No. I think keeping the douchebag for 27 years is highly dysfunctional (but only as dysfunctional as being an opiate user for decades) and she should own that as much as any other addict.

But I also think her expectations about some reciprocity are entirely valid.

 

[nuttynutskin]

But I also think her expectations about some reciprocity are entirely valid.

That's still a new one for me. I've never once in my life heard of a FWB situation where one of the people was required to help the other person financially. Learn something new every day I guess.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

FUBAR it wasn't the worst by any
means but it was a bit reductive. "Don't shag dickheads" ...
made me feel like a dickhead and it
just isn't that simple.

Yeh, I admit it probably wasn't the most helpful of comments and it wasnt meant to cause any offence, sorry. I realise that sexual relationships are far from simple, but you have to be careful....

 

[MrsGamp]

That's sad.
Not all women are like you.
Some women actually provide and have value in themselves.
At least she isn't offering herself out there in some fucked up "friends with benefits" relationships and thinking she's obligated to money because of she has sex with men, like you do.
There's actual word for women who want money out of sex

That's sad.
Not all women are like you.
Some women actually provide and have value in themselves.
At least she isn't offering herself out there in some fucked up "friends with benefits" relationships and thinking she's obligated to money because of she has sex with men, like you do.
TherIe's actual word for women who want money out of sex I've helped HIM financially when he's been in a tight spot, Dickhead Walking.

There is a deeper level to this if you take the sex out of it. Reciprocity is a fundamental human value in all societies. While there are also selfish people who only look out for themselves in all societies, at the level of culture the general principle is always “I do something for you, you do something for me”.

Most normal people are hurt or angered when the principle of reciprocity is violated by people who take but don’t give.

Furthermore, at the level of “friend” it is usually presumed that people don’t really keep score on whether their giving is reciprocated on a 1:1basis but that over time things even out.

So apart from sex, MrsGamp has given of her time, her emotions, her very self to this asshole who clearly violates a very basic human norm around giving back at least as much as you take. Her anger is therefore rightious and justified in my book.

And even with sex, or perhaps especially in the case of sex, reciprocity is expected in almost all cultures. If not at the level of reciprocating pleasure, then in reciprocating some equivalent measure of material support or protection.

So expecting “something” in return for sex is part of the human condition and should not be used to judge a woman in moral terms - since reciprocity is deeply embedded in the moral framework of all human societies.

That's still a new one for me. I've never once in my life heard of a FWB situation where one of the people was required to help the other person financially. Learn something new every day I guess.

 

[MrsGamp]

I was referring to myself

but I can edit it out

nah, DW. It wasn't the worst comment by a long shot...

My brother is gay and has encountered similar FWB experiences ... one of his gripes is getting unceremoniously dumped by a former (much older) lover once he was in his 40s. Shallow asswipe!