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Got Myself in a Tricky Situation...

Bubitron2

Bubitron2

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Joined
Jan 20, 2019
Messages
6
I've managed to make life really difficult for myself, and I only have myself to blame. I'm such a tit.
Long story short, I've been a heroin addict on and off (but mostly on) for the last 18 years. I started injection aged 19, and snowballing (crack and heroin mixed together)whenI was 22- I've been snowballing for 11 years which has caused me a lot of medical issues.
I'm very lucky to have the parents that I have - about 5 years ago I went to them and said that I'd had enough and I wanted help to get clean. They've heard it all before in the 13 years before, several times. However they decided to help me again after all the shit I've put them through previously -I know I'm lucky to have them. They got me on a methadone prescription within 4 days; the average waiting time where I live (north of England) was 3 weeks. I got clean. I started reducing. I was down to 40ml from 110ml,u was doing well. Then lockdown. I was fine for a while; then I caught corona virus. I couldn't pick up my weekly prescription. The clinic saidI needed a family member or someone who wasn't in treatment to collect my prescription. My parents were down south, my step mothers mother is 89 and struggling to cope with isolation so they moved in with her for a couple of months. I cut 90% of friends out of my life when I got clean because they were still using,I have no clean friends in my city asI moved away for a fresh start -I had no one to collect for me, and the only clean friends lived Miles away. My key worker tried to arrange a volunteer to bring my methadone but the doctor wouldn't allow this. In the endI decided to brave it out and go cold turkey. I made it 3 days and thenI relapsed. That was 3 months ago. I'm back to square one and absolutely no one knows. My family know I've come off my methadone and they were so proud that I couldn't bring myself to tell them that I've relapsed - they've been going round this circle with mesince I was 14. I'm so gutted with myself-I feellike the last 5 years was a total waste.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Don't know how to get myself out of the hole I've dug for myself.
 
What a shit situation for you, I’m so sorry the dr left you without, that is unacceptable, they should have arranged another way for you to get your methadone.
Lockdown has been a total bitch for people in your situation and I don’t think you should be hard on yourself, it’s unprecedented that this whole thing happened and you just didn’t have the tools to cope.

My advice is to truth it. It’s gonna suck and it’s gonna be hard but the worst thing an addicted family member does in my eyes is lie. The lies are so hard to deal with. Just be honest, get back on the methadone and make sure you get some things in place if what happened ever did again. The last 5 years weren’t a waste, you’ve proved to yourself you can do it and you will again, you just need a little help. The worst thing you could do right now is stick your head in the sand and try to cover things up.

Welcome to BL btw!
 
I was in a detox in late March / early April and due to COVID-19 I was not able to get into treatment when I really wanted to go because of shut down. No rehabs we’re open to new clientele, and most weren’t open period. I wound up getting housing supports and a room for rent was found for me in a town nearby.

My roommate invited me over for a drink, which I accepted and the second day this girl popped by to see him who just happened to be the coke dealer. I got all buzzed out and at the point ha decided I’m going to go find meth which I did running into that same girl again outside where I was gonna go cop. I’ve been relapsed ever since, with a short period clean (Meth) from July 18 - start of sept sometime. Other substances of which I mean alcohol I’ve drank very little since July 31 only 4 days and 2 of them very little. Pot, whatever.

Point is I also had treatment goals in mind and I was completely blocked out due to Covid restrictions. If I’d have gone to treatment at the time I would have put my time in to that safer environment, and may have still been clean today. Could’ve been, maybe.

I wasn’t ready to stay quit at the time, still am not and in a follow up round 2 trying to get into treatment the detox July 18 was so bad I bailed July 20 and went on a massive bender instead. Then I detoxed on my own July 31, and got clean everything which lasted A week maybe..

These are all my choices, but I can imagine how you feel. Didn’t feel you had much of a choice did you? ive definitely been succumbing to this and a large part of my situation leading to where I am now, well it’s completely due to COVID-19. I flat out would not be where I am, at all if this hadn’t have happened with lockdown. I don’t know where I’d be because the alternative(s) didn’t happen but it may have been clean somewhere.

I don’t regret a thing because my life turned out okay outside the addictions. I just need to get a grip again. My partner now who I’ve moved I with since May 1 doesn’t have a fucking clue I’m using again since August and I’ve been lying too.

I’ve been hiding my drug use from him completely. He was talking to me a about engraving a bracelet he bought just recently but didn’t because he was so excited to give it to me. It needs 2 links removed to fit my wrist and he was asking what I wanted engraved. I said I had to leave that up to him and he said something like “great recovery” but thought the idea might be too glorifying thank god. If I put that fucking bracelet on and it has something about my fake ass recovery on it I will just fucking crumble.

So I know man. It sucks. My solution in my situation is I need to tell the truth and soon.. I think you should too.
 
@Bubitron2 Can you join another methadone program? Or get subs? I know a kid in scotland on them, so they are around you I am sure. Not sure how you feel from the covid (god what a nightmare) but not sure if withdrawal is best now.

Thats the issue with methadone. It is so controlled it can be snatched just like that. Perhaps take it as a sign. I would certainly try to stabilize again if there are too many health issues. Good luck.
 
Another thing for the both of you guys. There is no hope for junkies in the world we are entering. Its natures way of taking us down. Time to get clean. Its every man for themselves.

Still time. But get a head start.
 
You were set up to fail in that situation, I've come off methadone cold turkey from 85mg and it was a living nightmare, how could anyone expect you to come off just like that?
Id say get back on the program and do it again. 5 months is nothing compared to a lifetime of being a street addict
 
Dude probably died man. There is no way you could survive this kick and covid. Almost a week since he logged in last.
 
I'm not dead, just been all over the place. I've been trying to reduce and taper myself, I'm struggling though. I'm currently buying other people's methadone, it's hard to get hold of though as the kind of people who sell it tend to be on a supervised pick up so they only get the weekends to take home which is all I can buy off them. I'm saving it up and when I have a few hundred ml I'll go away for a week and detox myself that way, rapid methadone detox. I've done it before, just need to get a decent amount of methadone.
 
I emphasize with what you're going through, just keep on keeping on and it does eventually get better, little by little and then one day it all just seems like a horrible nightmare.

I'm really hoping ultra-, very- and low-dose naltrexone and naloxone therapy really takes off because I really think it will have hugely beneficial impacts in these scenarios.
 
Don't you have supermarkets in your city that deliver food like everyhing you can buy there, they bring it to your house?

JJ
 
mate i'm in the north of england too, and thankfully not on a script, but one of my best friends is so i know how badly they've fucked up. she was on hers for DHC, had never even tried heroin, til they fucked it up and she had to score. thank fuck she didn't like the dark so only used it while they were sorting her script but she now has an escalating crack habit that's destroying her life. that isn't entirely the drugs services fault obviously but if they hadn't fucked her script and forced her to contact people who could get it then she would never have ot in this situation.

Can you not get back on your script? I've seen people try to detox too quickly using methadone and it has not worked. if you can get back on your script and stable and under medical supervision i think that's better than trying to detox on your own. i tried more times than i can count to get clean on my own and always either broke, or if i'd gone away somewhere i couldn't score, scored the second i got back. often had it waiting at the train station. can you get yourself even to an online NA or SMART meeting? somewhere you would feel comfortable speaking openly and honestly? I don't really blindly accept everything they say, but NA has been a massive help to me in my recovery.

don't beat yourself up. when i got to rehab i had spent more than half my life fucked up in one way or another. it sucks that i don't really remember my 20s. but that sort of guilt and negativity just feeds your addiction and makes you use. it is what it is. acceptance is hugely important in recovery (its why the serenity prayer, as cheesy as it is, is such a useful tool to so many people).
 
Bubitron2 said:
I'm not dead, just been all over the place. I've been trying to reduce and taper myself, I'm struggling though. I'm currently buying other people's methadone, it's hard to get hold of though as the kind of people who sell it tend to be on a supervised pick up so they only get the weekends to take home which is all I can buy off them. I'm saving it up and when I have a few hundred ml I'll go away for a week and detox myself that way, rapid methadone detox. I've done it before, just need to get a decent amount of methadone.
Click to expand...

Hey,

So sorry to hear about your situation. I'm interested in this 'rapid methadone detox'; how do you go about it? I relapsed in mid-July after having almost 8 months clean and I'm currently detoxing. I have some valium and about 50mls of methadone out of 100mls that I bought of a connection of mine. I've been taking about 15mls a day to avoid withdrawals. The idea is to take it for long enough to get over the hump of acute withdrawals and stop in a couple of days and just rattle out the rest.

How do you go about your rapid methadone detox? Thanks.
 
I start out on 30/40 ml (however much I need to feel comfortable) and reduce it by 5 ml every 3 days til I get to around 15ml, by this time it gets a little tricky. I usually stay on 15 ml for a week then start reducing every 3 days again, this time by 2 ml at a time until your taking it from a syringe. It's nowhere near painless the last few days but if you have some valium and/or zopiclone for the last few days its doable. Hope that helps!
If you're on 15ml now you're doing great. I wish 15ml would hold my withdrawals off! I'd recommend reducing a couple of mls every 3 days and see how you get on. X
 
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