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Deep Goodbye

schizopath

Bluelighter
Joined
May 10, 2019
Messages
1,868
Location
Dimension XYZÖ where I paint the skyline
I thought Id wake up in a better mood

Im mostly a void
thats just how it is
I need to know what youre
meaning cause Im a machine
I became my alter ego
the call me mr nice guy
cause I stopped wanting paint the sky black
so I wanted paint it bright
is the real me the raging one
cause thats what Im afraid of
I still jizz in my sleep but
I just cant remember what I dreamed of
 
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Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
78,832
Location
Making a hangman's knot in the Aokigahara forest.
How are you Cap?
jan 2019 my cat died, shock/grief/loss
I thought this was just one of "those things" in life, turns out it was going to be the worst year of my life

by march-early april (I know the day but am not going to say it to prevent flashbacks, even typing it out would be too much) I was MENTALLY HEALTHY, CLEANING UP, FUNCTIONAL, HAPPY, WELL-ADJUSTED

then I got the call (from his mom) that...

april 2019 my ex/best friend in the whole world died from passive euthanasia; 30% odds + the # was likely much lower from likely also facing a battle with liver cancer.

24-48 hours later I am back to

shock/grief/loss copuled with still trying to "keep it together"....

september 2019 I had a personal loss that really rocked my world, and it is also one of those "top ten traumas" recognized that is "the most traumatizing" for any individual to go through, not sure if I can find that list (if I google for it and read it, flashbacks, so I'm not going to, but I don't care if anyone posts it here it's my fault if I read it)

2-3 weeks later, I couldn't get out of bed, severe depression

october 2019 was utter hell

another interpersonal hardship (ongoing but have 100% accepted it as part of the absurdity of life and the imperfect nature of human life) led me to abruptly stop benzos ONLY had return of symptoms, not addicted no cravings AND i slept that night!

0240 friday november 8 2019

I am ecstatic that I woke up feeling normal. I hadn't slept for 3 days. I had been trying to, but was unable to and had been drinking beers and taking benzos (I was not escalating dosages hence not sleeping). By the end I was bumping into things and almost falling asleep while in place, but still feared nightmares (NOT NOT SLEEPING which is why the NSFW'd stuff above DOES NOT WORK FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME I NEED MEDICINE I AM SICK MY BRAIN IS DIFFERENT; STRUCTURAL CHANGES, NEUROCHEMICAL DIFFERENCES; the fact I did NOT have a prolonged "withdrawal", the 1-2 hours of it went by quick AND I SLEPT THAT NIGHT) and quite frankly if one were to live ones life having 8-9 hours of sleep but staying awake intentionally for 48-72 hour periods of time, I'm sure in another 2-3 decades I couldn't keep living (cardiac failure would be eminent at such a rate).

But basically, I'm well man. For the first time in years I can say I feel well balanced, not addicted to hard drugs, single but having the best parts of a relationship without any of the downsides and all is good. :)

Thank you for reaching out to me man. Very few people in the real world care about me (which does not really bother me) but I really appreciate it; you're a very kind person for asking. <3

So schizopath, how are you? I would say something like "how's the weather?" but I'm sure it's fucking cold over there in Finland. ;)

South Park - s15e07; watch with _________; it is very personal for you; explain significance of cynicisim TRIGGER WARNING
btw the last quote I just added to this posted is a note to self for IRL stuff; the rest is a message.
 
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Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
Staff member
Joined
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Messages
78,832
Location
Making a hangman's knot in the Aokigahara forest.
except i just had a panic attack

and

nothing to do; don't want to take bzd's

omg

the panic is going to radiate for a while
 

Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
78,832
Location
Making a hangman's knot in the Aokigahara forest.
realized it might be a while until I get to hang out with _____________ so naturally my mind rotates to suicidal thoughts even though I'm happy. Oh well.

Was a good life. Giving myself roughly a year to get it together. Won't see 2021 if I can't get my shit together. I don't break promises I make to myself.
 

schizopath

Bluelighter
Joined
May 10, 2019
Messages
1,868
Location
Dimension XYZÖ where I paint the skyline
The very worst year

So schizopath, how are you? I would say something like "how's the weather?" but I'm sure it's fucking cold over there in Finland. ;)
Its amazing that you have pushed it through this year. That sounds honestly horrible.

Im laughing at the little abdurdism in "hows the weather". After all doesnt it take one to know one? And even then its more complex than not🙃
 
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Captain.Heroin

Sr. Moderator: H&R, Words
Staff member
Joined
Nov 3, 2008
Messages
78,832
Location
Making a hangman's knot in the Aokigahara forest.
That sounds honestly horrible.
Yeah it was a really bad year. I imagine it'll ironically get worse right around the holidays.

I shouldn't mind the getting cold hot/cold sensations as it's not phenomenally freezing here.

eating, sleeping, crying and too much dreaming.
 
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