Jesus I am in a good mood, the best I have been in months, thanks in part to getting on top of some serious housework, my home (which as many of you know belongs to my parents, having moved back in with them at the age of 34 following my life/fail and surrender to methadone treatment) is now able to accommodate visitors (I have had 2 social visits earlier this year) but following a significant reduction in my unprescribed drug use across the board, from my reluctance to use heroin in fear of vascular damage...
(I recently tried smoking all the gear I had scored to not only give my arms a rest but to see how effective it was - 4 bags of pre 2010 golden muck which by the 3rd had started to induce a nice stone, but one only maintainable (is that a word?) while tooting, wearing off in minutes, all thanks to the high tolerance induced by my MMT - someone posted somewhere around here that methadone does not block the effects of heroin - this simply is not true and while my current sub - therapeutic dose does not white out my tolerance to the degree that other doses have - back in 2015 I was put onto 70mg o/d which made more or less all heron use ineffective, which, thanks to the help of the RC's available, my use to an absolute min. even once I started reducing it, as the 1P - LSD, the 3fpm and all the turbo powered benzo derivatives - I relapsed in 2017 after getting as low 12mg - although this was the result of some personal shit flying sidewards I also have to acknowledge the possibility that least 50% was motivated by self sabotage - if and when I do detox and rehab with the service I have access to I will not be able to even contemplate the notion of having even a spliff for the first year or 3 (the same applies to alcoholic drinks but as I rarely indulge any more I will hardly miss it) and the psychotherapy is so complete and intense that the mere concept of my potentially getting even a little high, by the least nefarious of means will be picked up on and challenged to its core.
All the health professionals at the centre, both qualified and unqualified, including the medical, nursing and social services staff are in recovery from or have had issues with their own alcohol and / or drug use (the only exception appears to be the reception staff) are happy to accommodate drug use as long as it is prescribed by them for inpatients of the centres 12 bed care facility, for the purposes of providing a controlled medical detoxification from alcohol, opiates and to a rarer extent cocaine - but once one has been transferred over to the residential rehabilitation services and building for the 16 week intensive psycho and occupational therapeutic rehabilitation course, total abstinence from any deliriants of any nature for the rest of your life is seen as the only viable way forward, If I have even just a strip or 2 of some sort of 'pam tabs sitting with a nugget of sticky ass stinky ass power - plant, they will undoubtedly gather this information out of me at some point, as I guess the whole thing is going to have to be one of those break you down to put you back together again type deals.
If I ever manage to detox I need to both be able to equip myself with the skills required to avoid another relapse and if I am I ever get the chance to convince the man I am an actual grown up again, I need to be able to point out my degree in sobriety, especially given that I have only just received another caution for possess class A - regardless of how well I try to present myself the police have it in black and white that I was buying heroin and crack on the streets of the West Midlands, a much more potent vision than some freshly reformed druggie who has only just made the effort to shave and buy a new suit for the first time in a decade... but if I wasn't waffling before then good knows where this is at now. Point being - while the above course of action is the only one that could save my life it will require such surrenders on my own personal behalf I really could do with getting things moving forward now as, demonstrated by my 2017 wig out - it is a really hard decision
But for once it is all good, another hurdle that looks dealt with concerns my bzd supply suddenly drying up, another contributing factor to my sobriety of late, down to only a couple of strips of 500mcg Audin clonazepam tablets and having lost my last 20 diazepam, I was feeling the lack of love bigtime, spending the weekdays distracting myself with stuff like the impeachment madness and audiobooks to stay benzo free and while I was managing I felt so all over the place and out of sorts I seriously considered asking my consultant at my Drug Service Provider for help - she is aware that I have been struggling with bzd's occasionally when taking forced of self imposed tolerance breaks and has stated that should I ever get caught short, she would be prepared to Rx me 20mg of diazepam a day, providing the weekday doses are subject to supervised consumption (as my methadone is anyway) and once stable that I complete a taper in order to keep the length of my reliance on the drug at an absolute minimum. But, just in the nick of time, the faucet has reopened allowing me to take possession of 120 500mcg clonazepam (50 of which are Roche 'Rivotril' which I haven't had in ages) with another 100 waiting for me to go and grab them. Finally, the cherry on top came this morning while cleaning the aforementioned reception room when I suddenly came across the remaining 20 Kern 'Prodes' to which I have had a blast on today, among other things...
With just a couple of grams left of the gorgeous weed I jumped the gun and bought on Tuesday for the weekend, I scored from the scumbags this morning and with respect to all I have said I intend this to be the last time before Christmas, provided I survive until then I would say it is a given I will get one for the day itself, which can get very isolating particularly when my mother is actively sabotaging official Christmas activities, requiring some degree of escape. Yet as for this afternoon, I was lucky to get to crank one of the bags, after which I increased the peace by smoking a second with a spliff, but it is the first blast I have had since arriving at my new found place of optimism I am high and happy enough to put the remaining 4 away for the night. Plus I've had a couple of stones to but with only a couple of goes left at this sort of behaviour it seems best left for one final special occasion. Hopefully, with the help of more nice weed, there is enough Playstation (I got Read Dead 2 back in the summer when I had to buy a PS4Pro after my first console bost but as gorgeous as the first hour or so of gameplay seems, I have so far not taken advantage of what seems to be such an immersive adventure, something that seems perfect for these long winter nights), enough amazing T.V. (At the moment I am loving His Dark Materials and especially Watchmen) and of course big films for the home cinema. I had been looking forward to The Irishman as much as any film I have ever looked forward to and its arrival on Netflix yesterday was as exciting as any cinema visit, something that has become a highlight of my home life over the past few years. With the exception of a few major releases (approx. 2 a year) that I make an effort to see at the flix (as I am usually alone) I have deliberately waited for the Blu - Ray / 3D Blu - Ray release in order to enjoy private home premiers, ones during which I can smoke weed / eat kebabs etc.
So, provided that most of you are able to live with if not read that wall of waffle above and if I can maintain this mood I may even be able to start trying to moderate again. Fancy that! For some reason, this post started off in the old 'What Music are you Youngsters Watching' as I was vibing out and decided to write a drug induced thesis to explain why. But as I am here now I might as well post (the most recent) Youtube vid I have been bopping along to here, live from this years closing party at Resistance @ the legendary Privilege with the awesome and bang at it Adam Beyer...
If you got this far thanks for reading!
:D