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Getting things in line for the end.

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gmlifer

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That should be the least of your worries dear.
I have no worries. My life, while not perfect, seems to be in order and flowing decent.

I know it may sound strange to you that complete strangers on the internet would ask semi-personal questions.

A- I'm attempting to get to know you a bit better.

B- I'm curious as to your expertise as I may have questions you could be beneficial in answering.
 

gmlifer

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Aight, I tried to see what the focus of biology is and it seems there are several different kinds of biology. Which one were your studies based on.

Seems like there is an actress on Big Bang theory that has a doctrine in some sort of biology. Must be pretty cool.
 

TheOpposite

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I have no worries. My life, while not perfect, seems to be in order and flowing decent.

I know it may sound strange to you that complete strangers on the internet would ask semi-personal questions.

A- I'm attempting to get to know you a bit better.

B- I'm curious as to your expertise as I may have questions you could be beneficial in answering.
Your "life" will never be "perfect". But I'm glad you feel your flow is. Hold onto that.
 

gmlifer

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Your "life" will never be "perfect". But I'm glad you feel your flow is. Hold onto that.
It used to be much more stressful than it has been the last few years. It took me a very long time to stop stressing over things I have no control over. Once I got over that hurtle it's been pretty chill for the most part.
 

TheOpposite

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Aight, I tried to see what the focus of biology is and it seems there are several different kinds of biology. Which one were your studies based on.

Seems like there is an actress on Big Bang theory that has a doctrine in some sort of biology. Must be pretty cool.
Biology can mean all sorts of things. The actress on that tv show "The Big Bang" is very talented.
 

TheOpposite

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Don't use words like "chill" please.
All though the "winter" years can and ARE killing us.

Winter's Bone is one movie I strongly suggest viewing.
 
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Erikmen

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@TheOpposite, please try to post one message at at time. Double, triple and even multiple posts just after a couple of minutes doesn't make sense and it makes the thread more complicated to understand.

I think this thread is a a bit loose, out of the trails so to speak, ever since you started to drink too much and post multiple posts at the meantime, all pretty much related to each other, sometimes one word's post, like "anything".

You haven't really replied to everyone that really tried to help you here, and I could say you used this place to offend those that are not with you - frequently much to say things that are not related to the initial subject.

One post at at time please. Especially if they are immediately related to each other.

~
We can help you if you want to quit drinking and we are not judging you for using drugs. You can also look for other posts in reference to recovery or other drugs, etc. And post in other threads.

And I really mean we want you to be okay, but try to help yourself. As I've mentioned in my previous posts - you have gotten people worried about you so if you came here to get some help, let's do it without unnecessary name calling.
 
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Scrofula

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Keep waiting, it may yet stir for round, what, five? A thirteen hour hiatus to sleep and run to the liquor store.
 

Scrofula

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Oh, I understand. It's just that OP's watching and waiting now, hoping silence will elicit concern from us. Meanwhile the soul of her daughter grows stronger inside the phone, and Daddy begins to stir.
 

kgeisel98

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I can relate. I've had suicidal ideations for 20 years now. I'm medicated out the wazoo and it has gotten better (but not fixed). I have several mental disorders and I am currently living to do crack once a month. Oh the conversations I have in my head! I'm glad I've held on as my eldest son (23) tried to commit suicide 9 months ago. Now I hold on for him in hopes he can work through childhood issues and get medications. He is dragging his feet at help. I just am so grateful that I am here for him. That he is not facing his demons alone. Your daughter may need you in this way, you just never know what the future holds. I now feel that staying alive and working through the feelings is more important than all the awful feelings and self-hatred that I can get caught up in. I'm definitely not judging you as I've seriously contemplated suicide many times. I don't know if this will help at all. ✌ peace out.
 

Erikmen

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I'm very sorry to hear that you are doing crack despite of having a son in trouble and at the same time having suicidal behavior/thoughts together with a mental disorder, and medicated. I've been in rehabs long enough to see normal people turn into real schizophrenics, if you want to be there for your child I'd suggest that you take care of yourself first.

Our children look up to us, we are their role models. So when you have responsibility over their lives, they come first. Children with parents on drugs suffer a great deal of pain. So if you are indeed really grateful that he's still here, perhaps you should try to be there for him. Helping others, even if they are your own family can make us feel really good. More altruists.
 

kgeisel98

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Erikmen I understand that you are trying to be helpful. I am here for my son. I have reduced my usage from daily a year and a half ago to every other week and now to once per month. This is what is referred to as harm reduction. It's great for you that you have found recovery. You need to realize that everyone doesn't want to get clean. Sometimes a small improvement is enough. I spent 12 years doing 12 step groups and several others in a women's support group. The support group was more helpful. I have no use for 12 step groups and dont belong there as abstinence is not my goal. Although in my years there the 12 steps were a guide how to live life. You slough off mental illness as though it is not the daily struggle it can be. I don't just have depression. I have PTSD (who doesn't lol), Borderline Personality Disorder and something call Premenstrual Disphoric Disorder. The last messes with my life most dramatically. It's when borderline states are a guarantee. I've been f'd up since I was sexually abused at 12 by my 16 year old female cousin. I started drinking and cutting. I wrote people letters in blood (mine) in class in grade 8. Wanted to become a drug addict and a prostitute at 12. So you see life isn't straight forward for everyone. I've tried to do the best for my children including giving them to my mom when I became afraid I might seriously abuse them. Life choices arent always easy. I beat myself up and shamed myself for years after giving them up. Thank goodness I did give them up. I spent several years not understanding the depths of my problems. I am 49 in 2 weeks. Yeah I still use crack once a month. You may say I'm a stupid old person but I plan to use until I die. I have dealt with many issues through counselling. I haven't just partied through addiction oblivious to the reasons why I began using in the first place. Sometimes you gotta say I'm ok with who I am right now.
 

herbavore

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Sometimes you gotta say I'm ok with who I am right now.
I think self-compassion is the solid ground that self-exploration can come from. You have worked hard (are working hard) for the self-acceptance you have achieved as well as the changes you have made and those both seem more than admirable, they are heroic. My only question would be, why "plan" to use until you die? Why not just accept that for now, for the present, this is HR that is working for you and leave it at that.
 

kgeisel98

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I think self-compassion is the solid ground that self-exploration can come from. You have worked hard (are working hard) for the self-acceptance you have achieved as well as the changes you have made and those both seem more than admirable, they are heroic. My only question would be, why "plan" to use until you die? Why not just accept that for now, for the present, this is HR that is working for you and leave it at that.
I understand your point. Actually the funny thing about life is being confronted by your convictions. After I wrote my original post yesterday I got results from my Hepatologist and found out the Hep C I've had for 30 years has caused me cirrhosis of the liver. Funny thing is all my blood tests come back normal. So I start treatment for my Hep C when the meds come in. I'm gonna have a last drunk (next weekend) and one last crack use (separately now that I know how harmful it is to combine the 2). And then I've got it in my mind to not use during the12 weeks of treatment. I will see what happens after that. I might drink once a year like 4 Mud Shakes or something. I'm an easy drunk now as I never drink. I know I go through my suicidal times which are hormone related but I do enjoy life more than I use to and for longer periods of time. Thank you for acknowledging the work I've done on myself. The real reward is not reacting to triggers and walking away.
 
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