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Getting things in line for the end.

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TheOpposite

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So. I know that reading things like this online can make some people sad. And it is sad. But I'm not writing to say I've just begun contemplating suicide. I have been thinking very seriously about it for the past week. Every minute it feels like. I truly do not want to be in this body anymore. My whole life I have wanted out. I will save the sad story, or pathetic story as some of the judgmental sheep on these sites would say, I just have one problem. I have no access to ketamine or heroin. I don't own a gun, nor do I want someone cleaning me up. I plan to go in my sleep, clean and ready. I don't know how to get it... I may end up having to do it another way. But I want to start a topic;

science or religion? Is there a god? Is there a hell? Am I going to go to hell? What happens to genuinely good people who commit suicide?
 

Scrofula

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Sadly, can't be done then. Your meat will not want to give up the ghost quietly. Sure as hell not cleanly.

Been there done that yadda yadda still here not for lack of trying.

I'd ask, you on a high-dose SSRI? Even if you follow with "but I've always felt like this".
 

TheOpposite

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Sadly, can't be done then. Your meat will not want to give up the ghost quietly. Sure as hell not cleanly.

Been there done that yadda yadda still here not for lack of trying.

I'd ask, you on a high-dose SSRI? Even if you follow with "but I've always felt like this".

Will a prescribed sleeping aid not do it? I've contemplated that. I have been on medication since 13, switching and trying things up. I've been off for a while trying natural remedies, been back on with a better diet, off with a better diet... I've done it all it seems. Right now I've been 100% sober from all substances besides marijuana for about five months. I am 27 now.
 

Scrofula

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I'd suggest you then either a) cut back on the marijuana or b) reconnect with a good psychiatrist, insurance willing. There are an awful lot of pills out there.
Actually a third option is to wait, since 14 years of medication will take longer than five months to recover from. (And I asked because when my SSRI was raised pretty high, the "suicidal ideation" really kicked in. It is a thing, for sure.)

I don't know what kind of prescribed "sleep-aid" you'd have. You did say you were OFF all meds for the last five months. I can say you can eat over 2.5 grams of OTC sleep aid (diphenhydramine) and just have a really nasty but fascinating experience, at least the parts you can remember.

The important thing to remember here is how artificial it all is. Which always pisses me off, too. I wish other people would view it like the schizophrenic who hears voices, or people with tenitus: there's a constant buzz or pain that's irritating and it drains our energy and makes us irritable, and so fuck off when you talk about "cognitive therapy".

Really, we have to talk about what flavor your mood's taking: acute nervousness/panic; brightly-colored despair; vast flat gray fatigue; antsy ennui. By your writing it's probably the last one. At least, that's my preliminary judgment. Of course, there are blends.
 

Scrofula

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I can also add that hording and then deliberately chewing and sucking on castor beans will only get you a 5150. Not even a stomach ache.
 

Scrofula

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I will save the sad story, or pathetic story as some of the judgmental sheep on these sites would say,
Kind of a bad way to ask for gentle ways to off yourself.

What IS the lethal dose for ketamine, anyway? I thought it didn't depress respiration.
 

TheOpposite

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I guess I wrote it that way because at this point my thinking isn't really considering the feelings of others appropriately. I just wanted anyone who was about to say how selfish and pathetic suicide is to know how I feel about it.

ketamine is merely for comfort, in it all, from what I've read. It's a perfect aid. From what I've found, the appropriate amount of heroin with ketomine and a lot of vodka would be ideal.

i have been off medications and marijuana both longer than just five months. More than once. I was pregnant at 17 and then breastfed for six months and didn't take medicine up until three or so years ago.

I am on this site on my iPhone, and it is not built for mobile access. Bear with me.
 
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Scrofula

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I can tell you straight-up, that drinking yourself to death is a long-term project. You can't do it in a single night (unless you're all-star bright future frat pledge who never imbibed so much as a caffeinated coke, somehow they die on their first night) even mixing in other things.

(I've had two confirmed ER admissions with a BAC over 0.500. Those are just the two where they told me. You'd be amazed how much chemical shit you can stick in your body and keep going.)

So first that: you really don't want to screw these things up, because then you wreck organs, and your brain, get even more dependent on people you might despise. Chemicals like that are not the way to do it.

OK, now, my own view on suicide, is that the whiney family and friends are the actual selfish ones. If you have a dog suffering, you don't keep it alive just for your minor enjoyment, or cause it'll hurt when you put it down. Same thing. And don't scold us despondent folks, FFS, I don't know what kind of psychology that is, chastising us for wanting pain to end.

Got that out. Now the elephant, that you dropped: you have or had a baby. At 27 I doubt it's moved out on it's own. So, what's going on? because that's a thing you can't just leave lying around.
 

TheOpposite

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I am most definitely not saying I'm going to kill myself because I am antsy and bored. No, I really am thinking clearly about it.
 

Scrofula

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Yeah, sorry, I had you pegged as a young aimless guy (who might have just been trying to ask for heroin or ketamine, but I get all suspicious at night).

Trust me, I don't dismiss the sensations. But then which flavor would you use?
 

TheOpposite

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About drinking. Yes. I am a pro. I entered residential treatment my first time at 21. Tried outpatient after residential once. Went back into residential again and spent my 25th birthday there. I have stage 3 liver failure. I woke up in the hospital six months ago unaware I had flat lined.

my daughter is now nine. I am convinced that I am prolonging hers, and everyone else's pain with my living in such a deep despair. It's simply causing pain longer than nbecessary. My parents currently have custody of my daughter because of my wishes. Her father and I split when she was four. He was abusive to me, not to her. He loves her as best he can. I know that my older sister will take on my daughter if my ex is unable. I have a very well off family.

I have read that it is necessary to add alcohol to the heroin and ketamine mix. Is why I brought it up.

I am 137 days dry off all alcohol, FYI.
 
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Scrofula

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A well-off sister doesn't mean she's able or willing.

I'm sure you've heard "don't do it for your daughter" a hundred times. Have you thought about waiting, for her, to see how she turns out?

I seriously stopped a while ago during one of my more sobby pitiful moments (I mean not a real crisis) and, this will sound stupid, but hang on, I realized I wouldn't get to see the end of Game of Thrones. Or to see Trump in prison (I know, but it's a nice thought).

Anyway, that was enough ~then~ to slow me down a bit. Realizing there was still shit going on that I had a vague interest in. I don't mean to compare your daughter to a cable show with (not that) frequent boob-flashes. But there is stuff out there that might be worth waiting around for.

Thing is, booze wrecks your brain after a while. But your mind is doing fine, by your writing. I mean, you aren't completely wrecked, even if your liver is. Actually, five months sober should entitle you to donor list. To hurt it that hard and then stay sober that long to me just proves it was deliberate self-harm, rather than some hand-waving addiction stuff, dooming you to destroy the next one (thank you Bill W for convincing the world we're helpless monsters).
 

Scrofula

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Sorry if I simul-post, I got a full keyboard here.

Yes, see, you have pride in your sobriety (which you should); it's an accomplishment. I haven't accomplished shit in a long time. Definitely not sobriety.
 

TheOpposite

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My sister is my daughters god mother. And has had a great hand in raising her. I would get into that more, but you're just going to have to take my word for it. I have contemplated, in great length, whether or not I felt my being alive would improve my daughters over all well being. I want her to grow without the burden of a mother who is simply put in utter agony.
There is no way to make it sound nice. I'm wanting to kill myself. I would be leaving my daughter. I am aware and hate this. Again, I am thinking realistically (in my opinion) of the benefits my leaving earlier could have on her future.

i am a very fit, said to be beautiful American woman that so many people would say "just don't do it. Hold on." I love and appreciate people's hopes and feelings for me, greatly. I do. It's just deeper than "just hold on".
It's time. Not today, but I only have a few more things to get in line. There are a lot of genuinely good people who have taken their own lives. People just choose to be simple minded and not explore the mind and emotions more. I don't know.
 

Scrofula

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No, I get the feeling, have had the feeling, have acted more than once on it.

I think it's every person's right. I certainly agree with the recent law passed here in California that allows assisted suicide for terminally ill folks, the kind like aggressive cancers or organ failure.

But this "deep" feeling you can't describe can be removed, maybe chemically, maybe "spiritually" (it works for some people, it seems anyway). It clearly defies logic, or even description. A lot like a tumor. You clearly have pride in your fitness, your appearance, your friends, family, and sobriety. It's just this thing driving you away from that.

I think you're embarrassed for your daughter. "Mom the drunk I never see." Except that just changes to "Mom the drunk that killed herself." No major difference. The burden on your daughter doesn't change. You're rationalizing.

Not to mention this journey of yours started when you were so young even the state doesn't consider you responsible. Depending on the environment, young motherhood itself could be embarrassing. Maybe embarrassed isn't right, SHAME is the right word. I've got plenty of that. I'm not supposed to be unemployed back with my parents at age 40 broke and single. That was not my path ten years ago. And I was more than old enough to see what was going on.

But you did your first in-patient at 21? See, that shouldn't be legal. There aren't any 21 yo alcoholics. There are angry upset unhappy kids who drink too much, though. And it gave you a complex. I'm seriously starting to believe that some good therapy could help you a lot. ANd I hate therapy.
 

TheOpposite

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I don't know if pride is the most accurate word to describe how I feel about my sobriety. I told you how many days I had sober, so you knew where my mind was in terms of how long I've been off the bottle.
 

Scrofula

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To be clear, even if I think it's a person's right, I morally can't promote it.

And the thing is, you created an account here, just to talk about this.

You could have found some board somewhere to get an idea about dosing heroin and booze; there are plenty of sites on the internet that explain in gory detail how to do an "exit". But here we are.
 

TheOpposite

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Regardless if 21 was too early, I went. I was drinking every day with my then husband. I truly have a problem with alcohol. It's... well it's beside the point. I quit drinking because I want my head on straight before I do this, in part. Also because I am not the type of person who likes being called weak. Alcohol made me weak.
 

Scrofula

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I don't know if pride is the most accurate word to describe how I feel about my sobriety. I told you how many days I had sober, so you knew where my mind was in terms of how long I've been off the bottle.
I call bullshit. You'd already said five months then stretched that later. No one who doesn't take pride in their sobriety knows the count down to the day.

I never once had a count. I have to think to tell you I haven't had a drunk in about four months; I don't count because I know I wasn't trying, and picked up a meth habit; I was just distracted.

And why wouldn't you be proud? You've got a rough history with it, and it's available everywhere, cheap. It's also gauranteed to take the feeling away. So it's not like you lack stamina, patience, or will-power.
 

TheOpposite

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What brought me to this site is strange; I was reading about a man's beliefs on modern day medicine and it was this site. I thought some of the people sounded intelligent enough to carry a conversation and help me with the few remaining problems I have left to get in line. And pretty much exactly that happened.
 
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