Getting out of control

[Jabberwocky]

If you met me 6 years ago you'd never see what I am now. I went from gi Jane to junkie jane(all drugs not just h)
then I lost my husband and went overseas and got hurt So the pain meds started, the same ones my husband od'd on. His military service was just to much to bear. So I swore I'd never be that way
but now well for example my opiate use went way up. I smoke pot and will do most whatever I get, well Coke n crack ain't my thing. I haven't had a sober day in years and it's getting worst Well someone dropped some Molly and k yesterday and a bag if Tina. I swore I'd never do that drug but yet I'm still up smoking it. Not my thing either but I don't like mixing a drug I'm totally unfamiliar with
i moved away from everyone I knew as a "fresh start" but I'm starting to realize it's a stale death I was seeking
within a few years I lost everything and now I'm just happy sitting home alone doing what ever drug I can to numb me
ive never believed in therapy because a few the military gave me were dumbasses
anyone know a way to get outta this stump? I'm in my late 30's and don't want to spend my last days(was dx,d with ms) high and alone.
Sorry for the long depressing post but it hurts to see what I'm doing to a body(any military will get this) that was treated as a shrine. Clean
I haven't dated much since I lost him. And now with ms. Who wants a sick junkie anyhow
ohh and anyone know what I can take ( k?)to come down ? I have a 1/4 g left and knowing me I'll be up until it's gone. So will a bit of k help?
and if you have any ideas how I can rec use drugs instead of numbing and killing myself it be much appreciated eh

 

[T. Calderone]

If you haven't had a sober day in years, it would be very hard to only use recreationally. I have a close friend, age 55 who has had MS for many years and it doesn't have to be a death sentence. Do you have insurance or only use the VA doctors? You would benefit from therapy and perhaps rehab if you find yourself unable to quit.

Use your pain medication responsibly as you can and stop using illicit drugs is my best advice. Otherwise, you will get sicker more quickly. You say you used to treat your body like a shrine. You can do it again if you're serious about your health.

(Homeless ----- > Other Drugs) Mods, please move if I put this in the wrong place.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Well the pain meds will always be there. In 1 year I've lost 15lbs muscle mass. My doc said it was the most aggressive case she has seen. Although I didn't tell her about the drug use. The other drugs mask pain I just can't deal with and I have no one (other then dealers)so that makes motivation hard. I just can't see my life ever being what it was when he was alive and we were both happy. Sometimes I need to get outta my head so to speak because my last tour was filled with some of the most barbaric things a sick mind could imagine. And I just moved from a city to the country. Not sure if all this peace and aloneness is best for me right now. I'm using more
as for doctors I'm Canadian so not through va, we can pick our own. It's like I've isolated so much it's hard to go around people. That's the ptsd. If I'm not high I'm scared and sad
i went to rehab for drinking a few years ago after he died I stopped drinking but still couldn't face life sober
i have injuries in my shoulder and knees blown out(airborne) so it's dam near impossible to get back in shape again.
The snow is almost gone. Nature hiking hunting and fishing are great therapies for me. I don't use other then pain melds and pot and I feel safe and peaceful.
Pits bad when your smart enough to know how your hurting yourself but to dumb to stop

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

I know you said you do not want to see a therapist but seeing one that's right for you and your issues may help you. Give it a try. If you want to get off the drugs check into a detox/rehab centre that's run by medical professionals and tell them your medical history how you have MS, and that you have chronic pain. Good luck.

 

[withlove]

there are some rehabs in Canada that the military use that deals specifically with PTSD/C-PTSD and substance abuse problems. (there are civs there too, it just has a specific PTSD component for military/ law enforcement) I went to one just outside of Toronto, if you are interested i can PM you the name.

 

[5W33TP00P3R]

Well the pain meds will always be there. In 1 year I've lost 15lbs muscle mass. My doc said it was the most aggressive case she has seen. Although I didn't tell her about the drug use. The other drugs mask pain I just can't deal with and I have no one (other then dealers)so that makes motivation hard. I just can't see my life ever being what it was when he was alive and we were both happy. Sometimes I need to get outta my head so to speak because my last tour was filled with some of the most barbaric things a sick mind could imagine. And I just moved from a city to the country. Not sure if all this peace and aloneness is best for me right now. I'm using more
as for doctors I'm Canadian so not through va, we can pick our own. It's like I've isolated so much it's hard to go around people. That's the ptsd. If I'm not high I'm scared and sad
i went to rehab for drinking a few years ago after he died I stopped drinking but still couldn't face life sober
i have injuries in my shoulder and knees blown out(airborne) so it's dam near impossible to get back in shape again.
The snow is almost gone. Nature hiking hunting and fishing are great therapies for me. I don't use other then pain melds and pot and I feel safe and peaceful.
Pits bad when your smart enough to know how your hurting yourself but to dumb to stop

You are not dumb. You're making excuses for yourself, and that's a very normal thing... But if you lock yourself away from the world (chemically or physically) all you will ever know is the pain that made you want to curl up in a ball and cry in the first place.

First off, MS is not a death sentence - as our fellow bl'r mentioned above - but you're drug habits are making it one. Ketamine and both amphetamines will aggravate the condition to the point where if you were truthful with your doctor, he could probably tell you how many years you have left. You likely already know this. There IS help out there, but 12-step programs don't go door-to-door as far as I know.

That brings us to point 2... Life after loss. It is there. Every moment is yours for the taking if you have the will to try. That you came here to share your story with us tells me that you DO have the will. I know it's easier said than done - believe me - but the most therapeutic and wholesome way to remember your Husband is to cherish the good memories. Dwelling on the misfortune doesn't lead anywhere; in your mind you hit a euphemistic brick wall. You become stagnant, stuck in a thought loop that leaves you no room for personal growth.

To that end, personal growth is exactly what brought you here to BL. It is what will bring you peace at the end and it is what will keep you moving forward (to your future) without looking back (stuck in the past) - because in your heart and soul you will know the love and happiness of that time instead of trying to relive it and; consequently reliving the pain.

I'm a medical professional but I'm not a counselor (cardiology), and I'm not the smoothest in my choice of words... But I put it all here in earnest and in good heart. Best of wishes for you!!

 

[Tinker55]

^^^^^^
this is a great post!

Op, I've been in your shoes with a spouse that died from drugs and alcohol. And you don't have to go down that road. There isn't any need to punish yourself for being the survivor.

There are some good recommendations here. I strongly recommend talk therapy. You aren't going to start healing with another pill. Yeah, I know the shrinks in the service didn't help but there are a lot of professionals who specialize in PTSD. Interview several and decide who you can talk to.

 

[pillman1224]

Well the pain meds will always be there. In 1 year I've lost 15lbs muscle mass. My doc said it was the most aggressive case she has seen. Although I didn't tell her about the drug use. The other drugs mask pain I just can't deal with and I have no one (other then dealers)so that makes motivation hard. I just can't see my life ever being what it was when he was alive and we were both happy. Sometimes I need to get outta my head so to speak because my last tour was filled with some of the most barbaric things a sick mind could imagine. And I just moved from a city to the country. Not sure if all this peace and aloneness is best for me right now. I'm using more
as for doctors I'm Canadian so not through va, we can pick our own. It's like I've isolated so much it's hard to go around people. That's the ptsd. If I'm not high I'm scared and sad
i went to rehab for drinking a few years ago after he died I stopped drinking but still couldn't face life sober
i have injuries in my shoulder and knees blown out(airborne) so it's dam near impossible to get back in shape again.
The snow is almost gone. Nature hiking hunting and fishing are great therapies for me. I don't use other then pain melds and pot and I feel safe and peaceful.
Pits bad when your smart enough to know how your hurting yourself but to dumb to stop

you said you have no one other than dealers to talk to? Pm me as i feel if i help others to get sober (as i had almost 2 years at 1 point 30 days tomorrow) it will give back to some of the bad shit i did while using. hit up the recovery forums and talk to Captain Heroin or Manboychef they will give you good advice.

 

[Jabberwocky]

there are some rehabs in Canada that the military use that deals specifically with PTSD/C-PTSD and substance abuse problems. (there are civs there too, it just has a specific PTSD component for military/ law enforcement) I went to one just outside of Toronto, if you are interested i can PM you the name.

I know of just federal(military rcmp) and I'd never go I went to rehab for booze and that don't work for me. I quit drinking a year after rehab because I wanted to not from anything they taught me. I have to be the one to do it. I know I have to and really soon slow down or die soon
Been thinking on that a lot today. Be odd if it took trying meth to make me realize how I'm killing myself
I'm smart and dumb at the same time
I know what I'm ding to myself , to dumb to stop

 

[RaizdByWolvz]

I'm almost 36 and I thought the worst years of my using shooting speedballs during 2002-2006 couldn't get any worse or rock bottom, ended up getting clean for 3 years cause I wanted to die I was so miserable but a friend offered me a way out, 12 step meetings NA, it worked for some time, but then years later fell back into multiple relapses, shooting .25 of a gram Tina speedballs with H that relapse really just screwed me, that was 2 years ago, I had to hit a bad bottom and face death again, ended up admitted in the hospital for 2 weeks with staph sepsis from a missed shot with a large Guage needle on the top of the hand....truth be told I'm on Zubsolv now and I have no desire for opiates anymore I don't go to meetings cause I've found other hobbies and my new job I started a year and a half ago make my life happier and more enjoyable, more worth it. I still take a small amount of xanax .05 prescribed by my doc for my bad panic and anxiety, so the typical AA/NA 12 step crew would not consider me "sober" or "clean" but its not about them its about ME and what works for ME not destroying my life anymore or bring as miserable and not wanting to die any longer...I would suggest if you are feeling the misery for you to check yourself into a month long Detox/drug rehab and start from there, they will medicate you there so you won't be sick, you will be around others going through the same feelings you are, and you will have support and most importantly you will have the beginning of a choice of a freedom of some sort. I wish you the best and love

 

[Jabberwocky]

I woke up today sober and soo tired. I'd like to thank you all. Your comments did make an impact because I know myself I went off the rails. So it's just my pain meds and maybe some k. But I lost 8lbs in 4 days. I can't do this to myself again. I tried Tina for the first time this week and that and PTSD DO NOT mix. Last night was a nightmare. I was seeing friends that passed away and just bad memories resurfacing. I usually have my flashback and horriable thoughts under control and that drug caused me to loose that control I have And it was bad enough living it. So doing something that brings it on is nonsense
I'm not the crying type but woke up in tears knowing what I was fojng to myself I can't do that anymore. I'll still take my pain meds but I highly doubt I'll go on any more binges Who knows what would happen if I did. Another day of reliving some of my past wouod kill me
I really appricate everything you all said and thank you
I'm contacting va this week and trying therapy again. I always went in head strong thinking no way someone who wasn't there can understand so I never gave them a chance. After everything people always said I was so strong and in my field showing weakness is not an option. So a lot of it was pride. I didn't want to be seen as weak. But obviously I need help. Not doing a good job myself
There is a peer support group for people like me I'm going to wedensday people who have been where I am so they understand
Again thank you. Even a few words to a stranger online can be tgat little push they need xx

 

[theblurr54]

Hello. I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. I can't imagine what you're going through but I can relate on some level as I had UC.

When they thought it was crohns I had no real hope of getting better. I deteriorated quickly and was on a drug (often multiple drugs) everyday. I took everything I could get my hands on to escape from reality.

The best thing you can do right now is look at finding support. It's the only way (in my humble opinion) that can help you get out of this rut. If you continue to be lonely you're not going to escape the hole.

Also, have you heard of LDN for treating MS. I hear it can be quite effective and more and more neurologists are recommended it.

I wish you the best. Peace.