Getting back to rolling after years sober

[halfgirlhalfshark]

Hi everyone. I'm newly registered to Bluelight though I've read several threads in order to find answers for myself and I got some relief in finding so many people with similar struggles to mine. Now I personally ask for your help.

Backstory. I started drinking at 14, smoking weed at 15 and took MDMA and LSD for the first time at 17. Looking back I truly regret starting at such an early age but nothing I can do now. I am now almost 24. At 17 I started having paranoia because of marijuana and stopped using it. It was at this time that I stopped being inconsequent in terms of personal life (I had some issues but that's a different story) and I think that translated to drug use also. Also started to have some anxiety that got worse with the years. As I stated, I had rolled for the first time on MDMA at 15 and had a fantastic roll. Super blissful, nothing short of ideal.

In 2013, at 17, I tried LSD at a festival, already during my weed hiatus (I did smoke during the 3 days of the festival and everything was pretty fine). The trip was overall fine, with some mild paranoia, but mostly really fun little moments that really made me enjoy it. Even had an afterglow the days after.

Next year I started to get into MDMA. Took it a few times (with ~2 month breaks) and had amazing, super blissful experiences that really changed me as a person. Mind you, both LSD and all MDMA trips were with my bf at the time, now ex.

First bad experience I had was at a festival where a girlfriend of mine was also rolling and acting super weird; me and my bf at the time were super confused and it really messed with the whole experience. New year's eve that same year I go to a party and take some molly. Thirty minutes into it my vision totally shifts; 180º turn, the ceiling was the floor and vice versa. I start panicking and me and ex leave the club. 20 minute walk to my place that felt like hours. Had to deeply pant my way home, always breathing methodically because I felt if I didn't, I would puke or pass out. I get home and the anxiety calms down and I actually enjoy the trip; I danced, had deep conversations with the ex, great sex, etc. However, in my mind, I always remember this one trip as the last drop, the one where I was so anxious that actually made me stop doing heavier drugs.

Over the years I have an on and off relationship with weed, as my paranoia while using it is gradually getting better with the years, which is a good thing. Mind you that my anxiety has also gotten better but in no ways is it resolved, nor is the weed related paranoia. I suffer from anxiety (I am much better now) and have suffered from depression in the past.

Fast forward >2 years, I now have an amazing, caring 3 month boyfriend and we're super in love, birds chirping la-dee-da, you know the drill. He's an avid weed smoker, and frequently takes hallucinogenics and molly. He has a fantastic way of dealing with drugs, is super informed and his mental health is terrific which is why he can manage even a bad trip in a "healthy" way. He's been insisting that I go with him to a trance festival this weekend and I'm really torn. On one hand I want to make great memories with him and his friends (which are also "junkies" - I say this in the most loving way), but on the other hand I'm terrified my anxiety will get the best of me and I'll have a panic attack, a bad trip, you name it, and end up ruining everyone's time and trip. I don't really enjoy trance music (I'm more of a techno girl myself) but he says no one likes trance that much until they go to a rave and feel the amazing environment. The thing is I'm an extreme overthinker - if you hadn't noticed - and really want to stop working myself up. I want to go back to my old self and actually enjoy things while I can.

Please help. Should I wait for another opportunity and work on fixing my anxiety a little longer? Should I go and just be sober? Any type of advice would help a lot.

Thank you so much for reading


***EDIT***
Forgot to mention that I have closed eye visuals even when sober, lmao. Only happens in bed and it's like vivid imagery and scenes, not just geometric patterns and all that. Also sometimes have audio hallucinations (only with eyes closed and silence). Started having it on one of my MDMA trips. Sometimes if I'm too drunk or too high it can feel like I'm rolling so I'm pretty much a sober tripper atm lol. Ok I'm gone now thanks

 

[indigoaura]

Hi @halfgirlhalfshark,

I starting rolling just a bit later than you. I was 18 the first time I rolled, and I am 38 now.

Personally, I favor honesty. Tell the new boyfriend that you have had some anxious experiences and you are afraid that your anxiety attacks could put a damper on their good time. Ask him what he thinks. Maybe you can put a plan in place for what will happen if you get an anxiety attack. If he really wants you there, he may be willing to roll the dice and see what happens. It sounds like he is chill and he may be perfectly equipped to talk you down or help you with your anxiety should that occur. Give him the chance to say how he feels, because it may not be an imposition to him. Or, he may realize it is not a good fit and he may suggest another opportunity to reacquaint you with substances in a different setting. But, the key is to talk to him about it and be honest with each other.

I can't speak for everyone, but in my group, there was always the potential someone would have anxiety. It was on the group to help if that happened, talk the person down, be there for them etc. It was not an imposition, it was just part of being a supportive group.

Also, feel obligated to say that if you were not testing your pills your bad experiences could have been from adulterants. Ask the new boyfriend if he tests his molly. Less chance for anxiety on clean, tested product.

Finally, you are lucky you can visualize with your eyes closed. Sounds like you may be a great lucid dreamer. Have you ever practiced meditation or lucid dreaming?

 

[halfgirlhalfshark]

Hey @indigoaura

First of all thank you so much for the reply.

I did talk to him earlier today and though I didn't bring up the anxiety attack scenario, he did tell me that I could always stay sober or just drink. He's very keen on the idea of me going with him and so I think if something did happen he would be very understanding and available to help me. They are a very caring group of friends, I have gone out with them in another occasion when they were all rolling and I was sober; most of them kept checking in with me, seeing how I was doing, so I think it would be okay. It's just my own insecurities pulling me back at the moment.

I don't think he tests his molly often. But yes, there is always the chance I had not-so-good experiences because of not very pure substances. It's just that sometimes I think I can hardly deal with some weed highs, so let alone If I'm rolling and start getting anxious... I don't know.

Last night I found the right term for that phenomena. It's called hypnagogia and while it does include lucid dreaming and sleep paralysis, in my case it manifests in hallucinations. This was a turning point for me because up until then I just thought I was bonkers, lmao. It's nice to see it's an actual scientific condition and it actually gave me some peace regarding my MDMA experiences (I have closed eye visuals on molly and thought it was a permanent effect of that).

Up until this point I was too scared to try meditation as it brings up things that are similar to my CEV, and some of them can be really, really scary. Maybe from now on I'll be able to explore a little more now that I know I'm not that much of a freak

 

[Phobos]

Also, feel obligated to say that if you were not testing your pills your bad experiences could have been from adulterants. Ask the new boyfriend if he tests his molly. Less chance for anxiety on clean, tested product.

This ⬆⬆⬆.

Also explain to him that if you decide to go he should be ready to help you and not wander around. That if you go and something goes wrong, his priority needs to be with you until you are well, even if that means getting out of the festival.
If he is willing to have this approach, that should help you feel safer at the festival.

 

[halfgirlhalfshark]

This ⬆⬆⬆.

Also explain to him that if you decide to go he should be ready to help you and not wander around. That if you go and something goes wrong, his priority needs to be with you until you are well, even if that means getting out of the festival.
If he is willing to have this approach, that should help you feel safer at the festival.

Thanks @Phobos

If I decide on going I will talk to him about it. In that NYE situation it really comforted me that my ex didn't care about leaving the party, he said he just wanted me to be okay. I think the new boyfriend will be very dedicated to in making sure I'm well but I'll talk to him about it. He loves going to festivals and rolling and hasn't done that in a while so it will definitely be a bummer for him but I'm pretty sure he has my wellbeing in higher regard.

The festival is 2h away by car from my city so not really any escape there.

The question on my mind today is: how will I dance and enjoy so much trance music lmao

 

[halfgirlhalfshark]

Hi guys!

Just to close the thread, and for anyone for whom this might be useful:
I went to the festival and it was a blast. I did take ecstasy and I did redose and everything was fine. I was very relaxed, not anxious or even thinking about anxiety because I was so happy to have discovered that I actually love trance. The trips were super cool!

I'm stoked with my decision. Thank u all for the help!

Safe trips

 

[epic11]

Hi guys!

Just to close the thread, and for anyone for whom this might be useful:
I went to the festival and it was a blast. I did take ecstasy and I did redose and everything was fine. I was very relaxed, not anxious or even thinking about anxiety because I was so happy to have discovered that I actually love trance. The trips were super cool!

I'm stoked with my decision. Thank u all for the help!

Safe trips

Welcome to the love side. Welcome to trance.