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Relapse FUCK.ME.SIDEWAYS :(

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Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 10, 2017
Messages
1,294
Location
Gangland
10 months. I've been clean from heroin for 10 months.
8 years ago I took my first Tramadol.
6 years ago I did heroin for the first time. And time went by.
27th of june 2020 I did my final bag of heroin.

And now I sit with this brown powder infront of me. I have been staring at it for two hours.
I'm unable to throw it away. I don't want to do this. But I'm weak. I'm pathetic. I'm so disappointed in myself.
And I can't tell anyone. They're all tired of my constant fuck-ups.
Things were actually starting to resolve themselves. I really thought it was over.
I have my life back. My friends. I have a niece now. What a fool I am.

I burned down everything for this, an entire life I spent 10 years building up, reduced to ashes.
I've racked up debt I will never be able to pay off.
I hurt people in horrible ways to get this. I was almost shot because of this.
I'm still on the run because of this.

And I again I feel that hopelessness. I feel tired.
I want out. I want to be anybody else but me.

I'm sorry for sitting here and feelin pity for myself.
I brought this all on me, nobody forced me to do anything, I know that.
I just had to vent.

I think I just broke my finger punching into the concrete wall in frustration and rage and I want to cry. I want to just fucking scream.

Fuck me, I can't do this again.
 

ibtisam midlet

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 18, 2019
Messages
550
Location
this scare the shit outta me
what is about inhibiting the craving/withdrawal with ibogaine, try to find clinic for that, or try very low micro-dosing, and upper until you feel something and then dont upper more (overdosing dose is not far a way the therapy doses, and over dosing will cause brain damage)
ibogaine is the gold standard for addiction right now, consider using it, he will remover the urge to use completely and have strong effect in eliminating the withdrawal.
its not too good to be true, its true
 

chinup

Moderator: H&R
Staff member
Joined
Aug 1, 2010
Messages
5,101
Location
Greatest city on Earth
argh sorry to read this @pulverstaden - please don't beat yourself up. none of this detracts from the amazing feat of getting 10 months clean. nor does it mean you'll go back to square one.

i used after 18 months clean, scored twice over 3 days, then stopped. then about 6 months after that i had a week of using continuously. had to do a pretty horrific rattle but got through it. having your life back will make it much easier not to go straight back into a daily habit.

i get wanting to be anyone else but you. i often feel the same. its ok to just ride with these feelings sometimes but fundamentally you'll be happier if you can reach acceptance with who you are. feel a bit hypocritical saying that cos i have not achieved anything like that.
 
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