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From Real Members Here With Anxiety

Psycho_Logic

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Jul 20, 2020
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Trying to find my self but unable so far.
@dalpat077 Just for the record, my anxiety is primarily CAUSED by the benzodiazepine withdrawal. I had other issues, but anxiety, real anxiety, was not on that list. I was put on bunch of medications cause I had an amphetamine psychosis episode in my 20s that was misdiagnosed as schizophrenia, with benzos being one of them. 10 years later the same psychiatrist has admitted that he was wrong, when 3 other psychiatrists confirmed, after thorough evaluation that I don't even tendency towards psychosis, and that almost everybody would develop same symptoms if they used so much amphetamines and did not sleep for that many days (in 14 days I slept maybe 3 days for an hour or maximum two). I am ranting sorry.

Just wanted to say that benzodiazepines are actually causing anxiety in my case...and that is the reason I am tapering after almost 20 years on them.
 

Flynnal

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Aug 14, 2012
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494
I'm in a good position to speak on anxiety. I have to deal with it pretty much everyday.

One option is to learn to live with it, and boy let me tell you, I'm learning all the time because apparently I will never learn enough. The other option is suicide.
 

Atelier3

Moderator: DC
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I don't think @JoEhJoEh is entirely correct that Google has all the answers on this one. People's experiences of anxiety are so varied and there are so many different forms of it. Personal testimonies from actual sufferes are actually very enlightening.

In my case I have two distinct forms of anxiety that I've sought psychiatric help for.

Type 1 is in group social situations where the other people know each other and I don't know anyone. This always made me feel nauseous with elevated heart rate and afraid to open my mouth frequently occured because of the nature of my work. I had been bullied a lot at school by groups and figure it was somehow related to that. It was weird because 1:1 I am really sociable and gregarious and actually quite like meeting new people and getting to know them. Doctor refused to medicate me for it and sent me to an anxiety clinic where I undertook exposure therapy and CBT training. Generally under control although my life now does not often require me to interact socially with groups of new people. I did try briefly self-medicating with xanax and diazepam back in the day when they were more easily available but they rendered me mute and stupid and unable to participate in the social thing effectively anyway.

Type 2 is completely different. I suddenly get intrusive results about my partner (if I have one at the time) fucking someone else - maybe a stranger, maybe one of my friends or maybe one of her exes. It feels to me like she is cheating on me in real time and I get this uncontrollable porn-like video of it all unfolding in my head while I obsessively ruminate on it. It can strike at any time and I can't think about anything else - again it causes me nausea and gradually escalates into a sense of panic with all the physical symptoms of flight/flight. I only have it when I am in a loving relationship with someone and its not about trust. It was diagnoised as 'obsessive only obsessive compulsive disorder' and effectively managed by taking the anti-psychotic Abilify. When I was younger I walked in on my partenr fucking my best friend (twice: two partners and two best friends) - possibly the root cause.

There is a third type which is more an existential dread about wasting my life and dying old and alone having achieved nothing - but that only comes when I am coming down from heavy stim use. It can be fairly all consuming if I allow myself to ruminate on it when I can't sleep - but fairly easily managed with CBT or a look at my resume to remind myself I've had a pretty productive life.

I think there is a physiological anxiety that can be caused by substances or withdrawals but really it is an irrational or poorly understood or non-specific fear in a person. What's interesting is how diverse and person-specific the fears are across sufferers.
 

Psycho_Logic

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I think there is a physiological anxiety that can be caused by substances or withdrawals but really it is an irrational or poorly understood or non-specific fear in a person.

This is exactly what is my main psychological issue when tapering off (withdrawaling from) benzodiazepines. It is non specific fear. I do not have any thought that something could go wrong, fear is just there all the time. I think that makes it even harder to deal with. It sometimes escalates to some kind of existential terror, but the existential reason is non existent. I can not even explain it. Fear/terror about nothing. Just plain dreadful feeling of it.
 

Yacking

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Jul 24, 2020
Messages
98
For me, I don't get too anxious anymore but when it was bad I would start thinking about every possible thing that could go wrong.
I'd lay in bed with intrusive thoughts about stupid stuff I did way back as a kid up until now.
I'd play out every detail of any anticipated conversation thinking about what I'd say or should have.
I'd worry about what other people thought about me until I realized they weren't wasting time thinking about me and were more likely laying in bed stressing over their own shit, if nothing else.

I do still avoid answering my phone though.
 

Atelier3

Moderator: DC
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This is exactly what is my main psychological issue when tapering off (withdrawaling from) benzodiazepines. It is non specific fear. I do not have any thought that something could go wrong, fear is just there all the time. I think that makes it even harder to deal with. It sometimes escalates to some kind of existential terror, but the existential reason is non existent. I can not even explain it. Fear/terror about nothing. Just plain dreadful feeling of it.
The initial comedowns from meth are exactly the same - and equally horrendous and soul-destroying. You can't use things like CBT to deal with it because it is not about anything specific. Fortunately, with experience you don't feel it so much.
 

Atelier3

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For me, I don't get too anxious anymore but when it was bad I would start thinking about every possible thing that could go wrong.
I'd lay in bed with intrusive thoughts about stupid stuff I did way back as a kid up until now.
I'd play out every detail of any anticipated conversation thinking about what I'd say or should have.
I'd worry about what other people thought about me until I realized they weren't wasting time thinking about me and were more likely laying in bed stressing over their own shit, if nothing else.

I do still avoid answering my phone though.
Yep. Ruminating is the worst. Just thinking about the same thing you cannot fix from every different angle over and over again and never resolving it. I had this bad for some years but found the Abilify killed the ruminating (it also killed about 80 % of my personality and reduced my IQ by about 30% but it was pleasant not to be thinking that shit over and over again for a while)
 

Atelier3

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^My doctor has been talking to me about the possibility to start Abilify medication. Maybe I should give it a go. What dose were you on?
I started on 10 mg and it totally killed my mania, ruminations and intrusive thoughts in less than two weeks. I stayed on it for about 3 years with no problems (and no illicit drugs either). Then I thought I could quit so I tapered off over about a week and flipped into full blown mania (I am also bipolar). After a couple of months of that I went back to my psych and he put me on 20 mg but it had no effect and mania persists. Seems stopping and starting reduces the effects.

It had the least side effects of any antipsychotic I have ever taken. The main issue was it really blunted my emotional range at both the upper and lower level. I never got upset, sad, or annoyed by anything but I also never felt happy, joyful or buzzed by anything either. I was super chill for those three years.
 

dalpat077

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Oct 14, 2019
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Well to begin with this morning: I'd just like to thank everybody for sharing. I've learned about something that I'd never have considered "real" until now. And I now kinda feel bad about that after reading all of these posts.

Full disclosure:

It was actually this post by @Psycho_Logic (https://www.bluelight.org/xf/threads/better-late-than-never.890342/#post-14903319) that prompted me to start this thread and ask questions. After all the substances that he's managed to walk away from (well done): I noticed a veritable list of different benzos. that had been prescribed. Looked like a crap shoot on the part of the medical profession and is now the cause of his anxiety. And then I start wondering how much research and attention is actually given to this condition of anxiety. I mean to say: I get worried or concerned about things and maybe sometimes shy (sometimes lack confidence but that depends largely on whom I'm meeting, for what reason, and under what circumstances) but none of this is debilitating or stops me from doing things. And I'm really surprised at the sheer reality of all of this.

In particular (but no offense to anybody is meant): very thankful for the posts by @PrincessDiz (who for some reason is always nice to me! Lol!) and @Atelier3 on this thread. Takes a lot to be that open and honest with something so personal. And sure wish I had answers for everyone.

Matter of interest (I have that kind of enquiring mind):

Is is possible that some people are just "hard wired" for anxiety (like I believe depression and addiction is) or is it something that is developed or caused by a life event?

Do you think that there is enough research being done in this area of medicine?

How much anxiety could be caused by nothing other than a loss of (or no) self esteem or being berated by others or others not been supportive and encouraging? Or does this run a lot deeper than that?
 

PrincessDiz

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I have a condition called ehlers-danlos syndrome. I have the hyper mobility type. It’s basically defective collagen. I dislocate loads of my joints every day and have done since I was young because I’m basically too stretchy and my ligaments don’t hold my joints in like they should. So my adrenaline has always been high due to this. I’ve always had anxiety even as a child and it’s very much got a lot to do with the adrenaline that’s whooshing around my blood stream.
Also, where I live in Ireland we have really well known issues with PTSD due to the troubles. When I was in my mother’s stomach and she was going through bombs etc and suffering from PTSD due to that then it’s passed to the foetus for sure. If you’re an anxious person then it’s likely your children are predisposed to it also.

I think you can definitely develop anxiety through life experience. I think this type of anxiety would be the easiest treated with psychological treatment rather than meds.
 

Atelier3

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Now I’m anxious about how much personal shit I’ve been unloading all across BL during this little bender. Seems I was in overdrive yesterday by the looks of things now.
 

dalpat077

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Joined
Oct 14, 2019
Messages
753
I have a condition called ehlers-danlos syndrome. I have the hyper mobility type. It’s basically defective collagen. I dislocate loads of my joints every day and have done since I was young because I’m basically too stretchy and my ligaments don’t hold my joints in like they should. So my adrenaline has always been high due to this. I’ve always had anxiety even as a child and it’s very much got a lot to do with the adrenaline that’s whooshing around my blood stream.
Also, where I live in Ireland we have really well known issues with PTSD due to the troubles. When I was in my mother’s stomach and she was going through bombs etc and suffering from PTSD due to that then it’s passed to the foetus for sure. If you’re an anxious person then it’s likely your children are predisposed to it also.

I think you can definitely develop anxiety through life experience. I think this type of anxiety would be the easiest treated with psychological treatment rather than meds.
Well (off topic):

If if makes you feel any better you're winning the avatar contest (and I voted for you! Lol!).
 

dalpat077

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Joined
Oct 14, 2019
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753
Now I’m anxious about how much personal shit I’ve been unloading all across BL during this little bender. Seems I was in overdrive yesterday by the looks of things now.
Nooo. You and I had a discussion about this once i.e. re: over sharing. I think you for sure have contributed some extremely valuable insights and information that many (like me) could not or do not understand.

My personal opinion is that on these forums: they may be one or two fuck wits. But generally speaking: there's a lot of understanding and very genuine people here and would think nothing less of you for being so open and honest nor would they shun you. Hell: I'd be you friend! And I don't generally take a liking to too many people I"ll tell you that much! Lol!

But of course: you're at liberty to edit your posts if it will make you feel more comfortable. I've tried to not edit my posts (as I told you before) and post "as it comes" because I reckon that's the truth. Any major editing is just sugar coating and playing down things. Only post I edited was one that was really dumb i.e. it's one thing drawing attention to yourself for illegal activities but it's entirely another painting a huge target on your back and saying "come and get me" so that was done for practical purposes and nothing else.

But respect to you my man.
 
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