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Relapse FFS Here we go again.... Day 0

geekgrl

geekgrl

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 10, 2016
Messages
305
So ye, I had a relapse, found a 100 fresh needles I had forgotten I had stashed under my bed. It took me 5 days back on it to get to the end of the 1g of heroin I bought. I finished the last lot (yep IV) this morning. It's been a shit 5 days tbh, for various reasons. The new man in my life has done a disappearing act on me, I didn't get 2 jobs I had interviews and applications for which has fueled my daily need to use. Yesterday I heard nothing from my new man, also had another guy I met online tell me we didn't match, so it was a very disappointing Valentine's day.

However, I found out this morning I have got a job finally, 4.5 hrs a week on a weekend day. First job since my life fell apart 3 yr ago. There's lots of other stuff to be positive about, but I'm still feeling down about my current love life. I'm BPD so perhaps it's better that way but I feel quite lonely today. I guess I'm going to feel worse today.... I don't know.
 
geekgrl said:
So ye, I had a relapse, found a 100 fresh needles I had forgotten I had stashed under my bed. It took me 5 days back on it to get to the end of the 1g of heroin I bought. I finished the last lot (yep IV) this morning. It's been a shit 5 days tbh, for various reasons. The new man in my life has done a disappearing act on me, I didn't get 2 jobs I had interviews and applications for which has fueled my daily need to use. Yesterday I heard nothing from my new man, also had another guy I met online tell me we didn't match, so it was a very disappointing Valentine's day.

However, I found out this morning I have got a job finally, 4.5 hrs a week on a weekend day. First job since my life fell apart 3 yr ago. There's lots of other stuff to be positive about, but I'm still feeling down about my current love life. I'm BPD so perhaps it's better that way but I feel quite lonely today. I guess I'm going to feel worse today.... I don't know.
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Keep your head up. Being lonely sucks but its better to be lonely than to love someone who doesn't love you back
 
A lot of my friends are/were single yesterday. I happened to get to fuck like a race horse and have spent on/off last 13 years in 10 years in relationships. Not always good valentines days.

The secret to having others really fall in love with you is you love YOURSELF and you are 100% ALRIGHT with LOVING JUST YOURSELF and the world around you and others will see that in you and LOVE you for it.

*EVERY* time I have accepted this year that I'm single, don't need someone to COMPLETE me, then someone comes back into my life for sex. It's kind of far out.

It's kind of odd how people will hit me up when I'm 100% alright with being by myself and not craving social attention/interaction. It's like the less you need it the more you get it. Sometimes it can be overwhelming especially around people you don't want to be around, but it is enjoyable, go with the flow, etc.
 
well done for making a g last 5 days, and stopping at the end. awesome news about the job!!! congrats.

just get back fighting ASAP, as long as you're actively trying to kick, you have a chance to make progress and for your life to improve. your life will not improve while you keep using.

i would be careful around men for the time being, i've seen people relapse badly over shitty relationships they got into in early recovery. especially given you said in your other thread you feel tearful a lot. i was really tearful for months when i got off the dark cos i just wasn't used to feeling any emotions, so i reacted to them a lot. i understand how difficult it is to be alone, but getting into a bad relationship might feel good at the time, but won't be long term. you'd do better to get some company with platonic friends and through recovery based activities?

if you don't mind me asking, where are you in the north west? i've done all my recovery up here after i got out of rehab, though my using was in leeds and norwich, so i might be able to point you to some specific resources if you're near me. either way you'll have drugs services, which i really would recommend engaing with, plus NA or SMART type meetings.
 
chinup said:
well done for making a g last 5 days, and stopping at the end. awesome news about the job!!! congrats.

just get back fighting ASAP, as long as you're actively trying to kick, you have a chance to make progress and for your life to improve. your life will not improve while you keep using.

i would be careful around men for the time being, i've seen people relapse badly over shitty relationships they got into in early recovery. especially given you said in your other thread you feel tearful a lot. i was really tearful for months when i got off the dark cos i just wasn't used to feeling any emotions, so i reacted to them a lot. i understand how difficult it is to be alone, but getting into a bad relationship might feel good at the time, but won't be long term. you'd do better to get some company with platonic friends and through recovery based activities?

if you don't mind me asking, where are you in the north west? i've done all my recovery up here after i got out of rehab, though my using was in leeds and norwich, so i might be able to point you to some specific resources if you're near me. either way you'll have drugs services, which i really would recommend engaing with, plus NA or SMART type meetings.
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Yep I'm happy that it lasted me 5 days, I could easily go through it in a day. I hate being so secretive but once I'm on it, I will use several times a day till it goes. I have never had a drug take a hold of me so badly. I'm in Cheshire east, just between Manchester and Stoke. Some of my using was also in Leeds, but I moved away a while back. All my friends are now clean, just me left, so I haven't got that excuse. I'm my own worst enemy and hardly anyone knows I use dark. But Im starting to get to know people that do and although no one knows I am a closet smack head, it's so tempting.

My mood on saturday was super shit. Yesterday too. Today I'm feeling more normal, but as I'm low on opiates all my pain starts and I start to wish otherwise.

I'm scared to death about engaging with local drugs services as I'm under the community mental health team and I also drive. When I spoke to them they were very keen to involve my mental health team and told me I would lose my driving licence. I also don't want to lose my oxycodone prescription as I'm in pain daily. As soon as the docs know I have a drug problem I'm sure that will be the first to go.

I've thought about going to the local NA meeting. But not plucked up the courage. It's in my local town weekly, about 5 min drive from my house. I think that's my best bet. But I guess I am still in denial. But at least I accept I have a problem now, I guess that's a major step. I thought I could handle it until recently.

Posting on here was also a major step for me. I feel less alone in this. But I beat myself up daily for my terrible choices where drugs are concerned. I have a brain, why have I done this? Knowing I have BPD explains why I guess. But I still make terrible choices.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
A lot of my friends are/were single yesterday. I happened to get to fuck like a race horse and have spent on/off last 13 years in 10 years in relationships. Not always good valentines days.

The secret to having others really fall in love with you is you love YOURSELF and you are 100% ALRIGHT with LOVING JUST YOURSELF and the world around you and others will see that in you and LOVE you for it.

*EVERY* time I have accepted this year that I'm single, don't need someone to COMPLETE me, then someone comes back into my life for sex. It's kind of far out.

It's kind of odd how people will hit me up when I'm 100% alright with being by myself and not craving social attention/interaction. It's like the less you need it the more you get it. Sometimes it can be overwhelming especially around people you don't want to be around, but it is enjoyable, go with the flow, etc.
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I deffo need to learn to love myself! I never have. I wish I knew the secret to it. I'm pleased u had a good V day hun, I also got some a few days ago so I guess I should be happy about that. My mind has always been an emotional rollercoaster, I am getting better but it still catches me out.
 
i'd honestly make an enquiry at the drugs services about driving. i did a lot of courses at mine, and there were people in early recovery who were driving. i was over in warrington for a while, and am now in manc (right by moss side lol not ideal location for staying clean), so unfortunately don't know anything likely to be extremely local to you. there's a rehab called reach out recovery in macclesfield i'm not sure if they offer anything on an outpatient basis? if you ever fancy coming up to manc there's loads of meetings, i go to the womens meeting in fallowfield on mondays though i can see it might feel even weirder.

speak to the drugs service about your oxy prescription too, there must be some way to allow people to have legitimate scripts.

don't beat yourself up. the fact is, heroin is doing something for you. its fulfilling a need that you can't get fulfilled any other way right now. thats why psychological work is necessary once you get clean, to find out why you're in emotional pain and address it face on. i used to beat myself up so much, and just absolutely hate myself for not being able to get clean. i felt so weak. it was horrible. but, no matter how much you feel you are, you really aren't in control of your behaviour right now, so its not fair to yourself to beat yourself up about it.
 
geekgrl said:
I deffo need to learn to love myself! I never have. I wish I knew the secret to it. I'm pleased u had a good V day hun, I also got some a few days ago so I guess I should be happy about that. My mind has always been an emotional rollercoaster, I am getting better but it still catches me out.
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Loving yourself is definitely possible. <3
 
I spoke to my local drug service about driving, they put the fear of god into me, I don't know what my options are, then theres the task of actually pushing myself to go for help. Still living in my own bubble. You're not too far from me, I'll checkout the place in Macc, that's where I live
 
chinup said:
i'd honestly make an enquiry at the drugs services about driving. i did a lot of courses at mine, and there were people in early recovery who were driving. i was over in warrington for a while, and am now in manc (right by moss side lol not ideal location for staying clean), so unfortunately don't know anything likely to be extremely local to you. there's a rehab called reach out recovery in macclesfield i'm not sure if they offer anything on an outpatient basis? if you ever fancy coming up to manc there's loads of meetings, i go to the womens meeting in fallowfield on mondays though i can see it might feel even weirder.

speak to the drugs service about your oxy prescription too, there must be some way to allow people to have legitimate scripts.

don't beat yourself up. the fact is, heroin is doing something for you. its fulfilling a need that you can't get fulfilled any other way right now. thats why psychological work is necessary once you get clean, to find out why you're in emotional pain and address it face on. i used to beat myself up so much, and just absolutely hate myself for not being able to get clean. i felt so weak. it was horrible. but, no matter how much you feel you are, you really aren't in control of your behaviour right now, so its not fair to yourself to beat yourself up about it.
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I seriously may take you up on that offer and come with you some time. That's really kind of you to invite me.
 
hey sorry for the late reply, i have been stuck in my own head a bit. how are you doing? you're welcome to the womens meeting any time, its small but a nice bunch. did you manage to make it to the meeting by you?
 
Not made it to any meetings..... The whole things freaks me out a bit, don't know if I'm just in denial and haven't managed to move forwards to that step yet. Or worried I'll know someone, which is also doubtful as this is not my town, I just live here. There's a genuine fear of the unknown, I'd be the same going to anywhere I didn't know really.

I'm a creature of habit... Yes 'habit' is an appropriate word here ....haha. Seriously though, I'm only just coming to terms that I have a 'big problem' and I guess BL is the first step to admitting that and exploring my options.
 
geekgrl said:
I'm a creature of habit... Yes 'habit' is an appropriate word here ....haha. Seriously though, I'm only just coming to terms that I have a 'big problem' and I guess BL is the first step to admitting that and exploring my options.
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Sure, recognizing you have a problem is the first step to changing.
 
I think you are quite brave for putting it out here. The more you talk about it the better. I LOVE hearing others give me options, even if I don't DO them that moment.... Don't let fear keep you in a black hole. You gotta take those baby steps and you just took one!! You go girl!!:cool:
 
tukabirdy said:
I think you are quite brave for putting it out here. The more you talk about it the better. I LOVE hearing others give me options, even if I don't DO them that moment.... Don't let fear keep you in a black hole. You gotta take those baby steps and you just took one!! You go girl!!:cool:
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thank you, this is a great place for support. Lots of people get it, appreciate the compliment :)
 
So after 5 days of being good, the pain in my leg gets so unbearable, I end up reaching for the oxycodone for relief. Then I message my man and order some dark. I was really trying to do 2 weeks without any, but I failed today. I guess I should be proud that over the last 6 weeks I've gone through 3 grams of heroin, compared to about 12. That's a quarter of what I had been taking. Last time I made it last 5 days so I'm gonna try make it last 7.

I struggle so much when I'm in pain, opiates are the only thing that helps. Trying to break the vicious circle.
 
Wowwww, that's a big cut down! Very good to hear....fuck pain, it sucks major ass. I'm recovering from successful back surgery, tapering my OXY. So yeah....When the pain hits....I fucking hate it. I just want to eat about 60 mgs.
But I think you have really done well to lower the heroin that much. Congratulate yourself and keep trying. Nobody ever quits opiates the first, second, third time....well, not us! Slipping up happens, just keep trying to lower the amount. That's progress.
 
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