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Heroin Feeling totally lost...

Ceezeesplee

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
6
Hi all.. I used to be an active member of this forum a few years back before my serious addictions (crystal meth, heroin, methadone, etc..) started, and over the last couple days I've been reading a lot of posts that I can relate to and it's helped me feel less alone..

Here's my story in a nutshell, 22 years old in university, in a car crash which caused some very serious back issues for me and very bad back pain and I get prescribed Percocet/oxy which is the only thing that brings my pain to a level where I can actually function somewhat normally so I get hooked and I take it for about a year (with some oral morphine) all prescribed by a doctor. Fortunately my back pain got better after that year but I was hooked pretty bad on the oxys but at that time my will was strong enough that I was able to quit cold turkey a 60-80mg/day Oxy habit, with some help from my doctor. I manage to stay clean for 6 months and go back to university and things are going pretty good, but since I stopped the oxys I have this emptiness inside me that varies in intensity but is pretty much always there. This leads to me buying Street heroin for the first time one day.


I'm hooked instantly, using every day, smoking for the first few months but then I foolishly try IV and for me there is no going back to smoking. I also start combination injecting heroin(fentanyl) and crystal meth so that I can focus on my schooling. I manage to graduate with an engineering degree right as my addiction starts to get really bad. I burn through $20,000 savings + another $50,000 in credit cards and selling my belongings in the first year, also resort to stealing from close friends and family :(. So pathetic.

That was 4-5 years ago and things haven't gotten much better. I have tried treatment a few times and it works for a bit but I always end up relapsing and fucking things up, I finished a 3 month treatment program in November and was at a clean living house for a a couple months till I relapsed and got kicked out, my parents took me back in for like the 10th time and I am trying really hard to be good and help them, my parents love me so much and just want me to get better and I HATE disappointing them.

I feel like I'm going nowhere in life, I've been out of work for well over a year now, have zero friends anymore since I've allienated everyone with my addiction, even when I stay clean I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and then I end up using just for the brief pause it gives me over my crippling depression and apathy even though I know that I will just feel shittier afterwards. I relapsed yesterday on fent and meth and because I'm on methadone it pretty much did nothing for me other than a slight rush and then hours of anxiety and total insomnia for this past night.

It's a really shitty place to be when the drugs that used to be everything to you basically don't even have an effect anymore (other than brutal negative side effects with the crystal)but your still willing to fuck your whole life up again for them for some reason that you can't explain.

I hope if someone reading this is considering experimenting with heroin/fentanyl/crystal meth knows this universal truth: No matter how good something makes you feel, one day it won't work anymore and you will be left with the wreckage that you created chasing that feeling with nothing to soften the blow that you have ruined your life and disappointed everyone who ever believed in you.
 

Zephyn

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 31, 2020
Messages
2,294
Hang in there. I'm a pussy and even my light dabbling in hard drugs has left me immensely suffering, so I can't imagine how you must feel. I'm so sorry that all happened, especially beginning with an innocent car accident. Still, I know the emptiness you speak of and I know how the isolation can make it that much more impossible to get better. Treatment only goes so far and in my opinion can even make things worse.
 

meprobamatedowned

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 20, 2021
Messages
183
It's a really shitty place to be when the drugs that used to be everything to you basically don't even have an effect anymore (other than brutal negative side effects with the crystal)but your still willing to fuck your whole life up again for them for some reason that you can't explain.

I think that here is the key. Maybe you have to realize someday that it is nothing but pain for you instead of pleasure, then it's a slow process you know the story.
You are an engeneer, you seem inteligent, you have loving parents, and i believe you'll make new friends in the future, when you are ready to open.
That crippling depression you are talking about, have you tried therapy for it during your sober phases ?
 

Ceezeesplee

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
6
Hang in there. I'm a pussy and even my light dabbling in hard drugs has left me immensely suffering, so I can't imagine how you must feel. I'm so sorry that all happened, especially beginning with an innocent car accident. Still, I know the emptiness you speak of and I know how the isolation can make it that much more impossible to get better. Treatment only goes so far and in my opinion can even make things worse.
Thanks for the kind words. The drugs we used may be different but we both truely know the ugly side of addiction. Treatment has helped me in the past but right now I feel like it's not the answer, in reality I've only used street drugs for probably less than 10 days total in the past 8 months, but I'm on 100mg methadone which some days feels like a godsend and others feels like a major ball and chain and something holding me back, but I'm not ready to try to come off it yet.
 

Ceezeesplee

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
6
I think that here is the key. Maybe you have to realize someday that it is nothing but pain for you instead of pleasure, then it's a slow process you know the story.
You are an engeneer, you seem inteligent, you have loving parents, and i believe you'll make new friends in the future, when you are ready to open.
That crippling depression you are talking about, have you tried therapy for it during your sober phases ?
It's insanity... Truely... Like even after dealing with nothing but negative side effects from using yesterday, I'm already justifying picking up again today in my head :(

I've tried therapy with mixed success, I know it does help if you find the right therapist but the last one I had wasn't very good...
 

Zephyn

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 31, 2020
Messages
2,294
It's insanity... Truely... Like even after dealing with nothing but negative side effects from using yesterday, I'm already justifying picking up again today in my head :(

I've tried therapy with mixed success, I know it does help if you find the right therapist but the last one I had wasn't very good...
I can advise not to get a therapist who's sole focus is addiction, and doesn't have other areas of specialization, as is typical for drug addicts, underlying issues seriously contribute. I haven't had the best experiences with therapists, though I'm thinking of trying a non-addiction centric one
 

meprobamatedowned

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 20, 2021
Messages
183
Yes that's what i thought, that you should try and push being clean for a week and then see someone for your depression problem, not about addiction. Both are linked i guess but talking about yourself opposed to talking about your drugs may be good for you

Much love
 

Ceezeesplee

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
6
Thanks for the support guys..I actually didn't pick up today and am feeling better, hopefully I can sleep tonight since I haven't used since last night at like 10PM and didn't sleep at all.

I'm going to look into getting a real therapist and maybe trying to get some short term goals put together or something...
 

GetMeOutOfThisCRAP

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 20, 2017
Messages
1,743
It's okay. My mom was a complete waste for 10 years. Cut off her family's inheritance and basically running around doing junkie things for that entire duration of time, lol. It's just going to be beyond your control at some points. I know on this forum we're supposed to say that we are in control of the drugs. Not vice versa. But its heroin.

I'm not sure if it's possible for you to quit on your own accord--but you should always keep trying. For most people it seems that the only way out of heroin addiction is to reach the point that it no longer feels good at all anymore. Then in that sense, it's easier to just walk away and repair your life (trying to forget about who you were before). You might relapse here and there, but it's never the same once you get out that first time. You could get on suboxone or methadone but the painkillers wouldn't allow you to do that. Seems like a trap between a rock and a hard place. Oxy is definitely good enough, lol. It's not as whoah that's goooood, but heroin never really did much good for anyone anyway.

I know that this post is contradictory and might be dangerous for some people to hear. I just don't want people to feel like they're abnormal for not being able to escape heroin addiction. It really is a monster. People struggle defeating heroin addiction more than anything most of us have ever seen. It's pretty hopeless until one day its suddenly not. You might not even have a revelation. In a way, I do think that opiates are alive and breathing. Sometimes they let you walk away. I know that right now it's like "I don't know if I will ever be able to stop" but you might as well try your best to enjoy the feeling while you can. Heroin stops feeling good in time and at that point its so much darker.
 
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Biggdogg88

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 7, 2021
Messages
3
Thanks for the kind words. The drugs we used may be different but we both truely know the ugly side of addiction. Treatment has helped me in the past but right now I feel like it's not the answer, in reality I've only used street drugs for probably less than 10 days total in the past 8 months, but I'm on 100mg methadone which some days feels like a godsend and others feels like a major ball and chain and something holding me back, but I'm not ready to try to come off it yet.
I wanna go in methadone but I also look for a high when going on it. I know people say u don’t get high on methadone or subs but with no tolerance u can definitely feel something... well now that I use H I have a tolerance.. how does the methadone work for u? I’m also young; 24 years old and broke my back at 18 in a car accident. Started with oxy, now on dope; feeling helpless. How does the methadone work for u?
 

Biggdogg88

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 7, 2021
Messages
3
Btw; you are not alone my friend; I too am f**ked 🙃 but if u can go atleast a day sober; u will be ok in the long run I say.
 

drewbocop

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 3, 2009
Messages
543
That was 4-5 years ago and things haven't gotten much better. I have tried treatment a few times and it works for a bit but I always end up relapsing and fucking things up, I finished a 3 month treatment program in November and was at a clean living house for a a couple months till I relapsed and got kicked out, my parents took me back in for like the 10th time and I am trying really hard to be good and help them, my parents love me so much and just want me to get better and I HATE disappointing them.
Consider permanently switching to kratom until you are in a place where you feel you can comfortably succeed being sober. It might be never. It is a hell of an antidepressant and quells fiending pangs better than anything for me personally. It's how I do it. Of course it is a bandaid like any other sort of replacement therapy, but I've had great success. I haven't touched oxy/opana/dope in many years. I don't even drink alcohol. Just kratom and gabapentin (for legitimate medical reasons). Plus it's cheap in bulk.

It's not a hardcore opioid like suboxone or methadone which will handcuff you indefinitely with doctor visits and outrageous charges or worst case daily trips to the clinic, instead it's a relatively benign substance in comparison. If you want it to work for you, it will, unless you're one of the unlucky few who claims they don't get any effects.

What you have described in this thread is the addiction cycle in its purest form. It's not an unusual story, and I, and many other people here have been through or are still going through the same thing. I still am in many ways and I have felt the exact same hopelessness you do. It sounds cliche, but you shouldn't give up hope especially since you have a supportive family who loves you. It could be much worse. You could be homeless and without a degree. Get stable as best you can, get a job, start working on your debt while living at home, and stay the fuck away from the hard stuff.
 
Last edited:

LivingOnValium

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 24, 2006
Messages
2,605
Location
Helsinki, Finland
I have this emptiness inside me that varies in intensity but is pretty much always there. This leads to me buying Street heroin for the first time one day.
This is something i myself relate very much. Everytime i decide to quit taking subutex/suboxone the emptiness takes over and I feel miserable (usually i can stand it for the first 6 months while being sober). Now i know better and will not start thinking that i'm not getting anything from the subs anymore (and therefore should quit). I'll be re entering into a buprenorphine maintenance program and this time i plan stay on it for good. I haven't used any other opioids for the last 2 years.
 

JessFR

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Oct 22, 2012
Messages
15,148
Location
the edge of sanity
Hi all.. I used to be an active member of this forum a few years back before my serious addictions (crystal meth, heroin, methadone, etc..) started, and over the last couple days I've been reading a lot of posts that I can relate to and it's helped me feel less alone..

Here's my story in a nutshell, 22 years old in university, in a car crash which caused some very serious back issues for me and very bad back pain and I get prescribed Percocet/oxy which is the only thing that brings my pain to a level where I can actually function somewhat normally so I get hooked and I take it for about a year (with some oral morphine) all prescribed by a doctor. Fortunately my back pain got better after that year but I was hooked pretty bad on the oxys but at that time my will was strong enough that I was able to quit cold turkey a 60-80mg/day Oxy habit, with some help from my doctor. I manage to stay clean for 6 months and go back to university and things are going pretty good, but since I stopped the oxys I have this emptiness inside me that varies in intensity but is pretty much always there. This leads to me buying Street heroin for the first time one day.


I'm hooked instantly, using every day, smoking for the first few months but then I foolishly try IV and for me there is no going back to smoking. I also start combination injecting heroin(fentanyl) and crystal meth so that I can focus on my schooling. I manage to graduate with an engineering degree right as my addiction starts to get really bad. I burn through $20,000 savings + another $50,000 in credit cards and selling my belongings in the first year, also resort to stealing from close friends and family :(. So pathetic.

That was 4-5 years ago and things haven't gotten much better. I have tried treatment a few times and it works for a bit but I always end up relapsing and fucking things up, I finished a 3 month treatment program in November and was at a clean living house for a a couple months till I relapsed and got kicked out, my parents took me back in for like the 10th time and I am trying really hard to be good and help them, my parents love me so much and just want me to get better and I HATE disappointing them.

I feel like I'm going nowhere in life, I've been out of work for well over a year now, have zero friends anymore since I've allienated everyone with my addiction, even when I stay clean I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and then I end up using just for the brief pause it gives me over my crippling depression and apathy even though I know that I will just feel shittier afterwards. I relapsed yesterday on fent and meth and because I'm on methadone it pretty much did nothing for me other than a slight rush and then hours of anxiety and total insomnia for this past night.

It's a really shitty place to be when the drugs that used to be everything to you basically don't even have an effect anymore (other than brutal negative side effects with the crystal)but your still willing to fuck your whole life up again for them for some reason that you can't explain.

I hope if someone reading this is considering experimenting with heroin/fentanyl/crystal meth knows this universal truth: No matter how good something makes you feel, one day it won't work anymore and you will be left with the wreckage that you created chasing that feeling with nothing to soften the blow that you have ruined your life and disappointed everyone who ever believed in you.

Hey Ceezeesplee

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I know it's horrible. My story is a little different, I started out as a recreational user I was never prescribed painkillers. But I wound up in much the same place. Burning through all my money, pawning all my possessions. Using everyone around me for money. Stealing. Then finally becoming homeless, begging, prostituting.

It's no way to live, but I know, it often feels like there's no other way to live either. :(

Methadone is what eventually got me out of that life, I mean I relapsed since then after being off heroin for a couple years, but I haven't used it much in the past year and I've still managed not to end uo anywhere near as bad as I was.

I was wondering what your methadone use looks like, how much you're on, how often you take it. I mean it may be it doesn't work well for you, or it may be your tolerance is crazy high, I dunno. But I was just wondering. Cause I had tried methadone unsuccessfully a few times before I really got serious about it and started to turn things around in a more lasting way.

It's not your only option, technically you can keep using, that's an option too. But I think you already have an idea here it leads. It just gets worse and worse.

Have you tried a longer stay rehab? Like all treatment options rehabs can be hit and miss and work better for some people than others.

Take care man. With fentanyl around using what they sell as heroin is so dangerous now. I'm fortunate to live in a country where heroin is still heroin, but bluelight is full of stories and accounts of what fentanyl is like and how dangerous it can be.

It's not easy. None of it is. Methadone is what has worked best for me so far over the last 4 years, but even that isn't exactly "easy". There's still all your psychological issues and your addiction often trying to drag you back down.

If you have any questions we might be able to offer advise with, please feel free to ask. You're also welcome to pm me if you ever just wanna talk or vent or whatever. Or you can use your thread. Even if it's just for emotional support and knowing you're not alone, there's many people here who wanna help. <3
 

whiteHot

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 20, 2020
Messages
31
I won't pretend that I understand what you're going through as I've never been addicted, but I still have been in a few dark places in my life. What has helped me is meditation, exercise as well as trying to change my mindset so that I spend more time in the present rather than being stuck in my head. If you constantly pick on old wounds and chew on past grievances, you'll never come past them and if you constantly think about what troubles you might have in the future, you'll be crippled with anxiety. Try to remember that the past is dead and gone and the future is unknown and uncertain. All you have is the present and you should try to enjoy it while it lasts. It is not easy, but I'm convinced that it helps. Good luck.
 
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