Hopeless Family Fucks My Recovery

[birdup]

I am an addict. I'm addicted to at least three drugs - benzos, weed and alcohol - but that's unusual for me. It's normally like five drugs on a daily basis. So, I guess I'm getting better? My family doesn't think so. The more open I am to them, the worse it reflects on me.

I feel like a stain.

I hate myself, a lot.

 

[Robi]

you rock, so open and honest, i know the self loathing but we have to embrace ourselves, flaws and all and forgive selves , youre not a stain , youre good hearted, i know things*looks into my crystal ball) notices theres 3 holes in it but , sees you and your heart and LESS is MORE, youre on the good path. you could be doing loads more toxic shit

 

[CasualExtremist]

The people around us often look at addiction with all or nothing mentality.

In the past 9 years I've been totally sober for 8 of them.

But now I'm actually experimenting with controlled substance use. It might well go downhill for me very soon, who knows?
Well actually my family is certain everything will go to hell soon!

Just remember you are on this journey for you not for them though they might benefit from it.

 

[Dandreas345]

I am an addict. I'm addicted to at least three drugs - benzos, weed and alcohol - but that's unusual for me. It's normally like five drugs on a daily basis. So, I guess I'm getting better? My family doesn't think so. The more open I am to them, the worse it reflects on me.

I feel like a stain.

I hate myself, a lot.

I deal with self loathing on a fundamental level man, and more so because of how unmanageable my own mind is than anything else. I have real life events that have influenced that tendency as well, however it is a common feature among addicts.

You aren't a fucking stain bro. You're someone who is struggling, you're sick. Being sick, does not make anyone a stain.

You're going to get through this, and you'll come out the other side. Self loathing is an issue for us all as addicts I believe, in any case. That's the true beast to defeat, and there's a lot of different ways to go about it. I wish you the best bro, hit me up whenever on here or PM etc. .

 

[stardust10]

It boils down to ignorance I think. I've got the most supportive family ever but they just don't get it. They try to help and encourage which I appreciate but at times they get it wrong and I too feel like a stain e.g. they want me to get a job and I'm on the brink of relapsing just barely dealing with stuff. But they think the tough love approach here and keeping myself busy is key - it will be just not right now. Sometimes you've got to do what's right for you at the time to get better and the proof will be in the pudding i.e. when you've made even more progress and chucked either benzos or booze or weed, whatever u wanna quit first. They wont be able to say anything other than well done then. They don't need to understand completely although It can be difficult when you desperately want family to understand and their support is important. However, all you can do is reassure them that you have made progress and will continue to do so. They might not understand how much effort goes into this and how hard this is but they don't need to really and you can be proud of yourself for working on it for the benefit of you and everyone around you. In the end they will see your hard work paying off and nobody can argue with that.
As someone else said you're unwell not a stain or burden etc. Stigma doesn't help anyone and it's a toughy to overcome, I'm sober over 3months and it's got better with time. You may feel weak but you have the power to overcome these obstacles and prove to yourself and everyone else how strong you really are. Not everyone goes through this and it's definitely not easy so cut yourself some slack and point yourself in the direction you wanna go in, do your best and I'll bet your family will come round eventually from doubting you and such, although they may never understand fully. That's why I think going to recovery meetings (not AA for me personally) has really helped me, I thought I could do it alone to begin with but having other people who experience the same emotions and feelings in regards to recovery and can just "get it" is invaluable.

 

[dragonix]

Lol I also call myself a Stain at times. I don't think I am I know deep down I am the byproduct of my environment and upbringing and I deserve to be happy and successful and feel good about myself too just like the centralized elite who think they are better than the 99% they can't have a monopoly on contentment man

These people helping me in my past made me understand I cannot get clean unless I stop relying on my family. Their energy is contagious and the one friend even likened my father to Vader like I am corrupted in his presence.

Yet I can't break away for the life of me even after all these years of knowing I must.

He wants to see a movie soon he is getting older I feel bad saying no. I won't get into my own crap in your thread further at least my family wants me to be clean I guess and my dad has been clean in AA a couple years now.

Hope you find the power to not be affected by your family. Trust takes a long time to rebuild I certainly don't have any but am done hiding stuff

I feel I can meditate at least get a spirit forcefield activated before and/or after I have to see my parents and start being able to escape all these years of conditioning as an addict living with them

 

[VerbalTruist]

@birdup I deal with self loathing all the time. Recently I took ketamine and broke my oven. I felt like human garbage. My wife was so upset with me that I took 3 days and went into the woods to evaluate my life.

I know that I am not human garbage. That I am redeemable. It just means that I have to be the best person I can be on a daily basis. Sometimes that person fucking sucks and I have to communicate that to someone who helps me stay accountable.

You aren’t a stain. Alcohol is an insidious awful drug that makes us shells of ourselves. Have you reached out to someone for help? Addiction isn’t a road we can travel alone.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

The people around us often look at addiction with all or nothing mentality.

In the past 9 years I've been totally sober for 8 of them.

But now I'm actually experimenting with controlled substance use. It might well go downhill for me very soon, who knows?
Well actually my family is certain everything will go to hell soon!

Just remember you are on this journey for you not for them though they might benefit from it.

Hah, a mate of mine went off his stuff, did well, wasn't particularly missing it either, and ended up going back on for the reason that absolutely everyone was constantly at him about whether or not he'd been using again, constantly monitoring him (well let's be accurate and call it spying on him), etc.

If he insisted he wasn't doing any (which was the case) it was assumed he was lying. In the end he was like oh fuck it, they all think I'm doing it anyways so I might as well. Since he was getting the same shit using or no.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

Don't beat yourself up. Also don't make your opinion of yourself, or your level of using, contingent on other people. (Which is to say, if you're not being treated well or spoken badly of, don't take that as a reason to be down on yourself and also don't take it as an excuse to go totally off to the races with the using.)

Also stop labelling yourself an addict. That may be technically the case at the moment but it is hugely unhelpful. You're having substance use problems but that doesn't make you a seperate second - class human. Why on earth take ONE personal problem you have, ONE behaviour that you're doing, and describe your entire identity in reference to that.

It does not help you get a handle on things, instead thinking of yourself in that way merely contributes to an image of yourself as being somehow fundamentally flawed, defective, broken and in for some kind of life sentence.
Which you aren't. Or rather, it doesn't HAVE to be that way. You aren't 'addict'.
You are YOU.

... And I'd stop listening to my family in your case and let whatever they're saying slide off. If you're doing 3 things instead of 5 things yes that's improvement. And if you're doing 3 things now you can do 2 things next week. You haven't said if your goal is total abstinence or moderation. Both is possible but you also have to be clear why you want it.

If you're trying to make an adjustment merely to avoid bad consequences of your use, or because you see it as an obligation to others, won't keep you motivated for long. If you can actually see a more rewarding life for yourself however, then you're on the right track to make any changes to your habit that you want. I'd wish you luck but it's really not down to luck. It's down to you and I reckon you can do it.

 

[nznity]

It boils down to ignorance I think. I've got the most supportive family ever but they just don't get it. They try to help and encourage which I appreciate but at times they get it wrong and I too feel like a stain e.g. they want me to get a job and I'm on the brink of relapsing just barely dealing with stuff. But they think the tough love approach here and keeping myself busy is key - it will be just not right now. Sometimes you've got to do what's right for you at the time to get better and the proof will be in the pudding i.e. when you've made even more progress and chucked either benzos or booze or weed, whatever u wanna quit first. They wont be able to say anything other than well done then. They don't need to understand completely although It can be difficult when you desperately want family to understand and their support is important. However, all you can do is reassure them that you have made progress and will continue to do so. They might not understand how much effort goes into this and how hard this is but they don't need to really and you can be proud of yourself for working on it for the benefit of you and everyone around you. In the end they will see your hard work paying off and nobody can argue with that.
As someone else said you're unwell not a stain or burden etc. Stigma doesn't help anyone and it's a toughy to overcome, I'm sober over 3months and it's got better with time. You may feel weak but you have the power to overcome these obstacles and prove to yourself and everyone else how strong you really are. Not everyone goes through this and it's definitely not easy so cut yourself some slack and point yourself in the direction you wanna go in, do your best and I'll bet your family will come round eventually from doubting you and such, although they may never understand fully. That's why I think going to recovery meetings (not AA for me personally) has really helped me, I thought I could do it alone to begin with but having other people who experience the same emotions and feelings in regards to recovery and can just "get it" is invaluable.

I get what you're saying....my dad thinks I'm WEAK cause I attempted suicide.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

I get what you're saying....my dad thinks I'm WEAK cause I attempted suicide.

That's not weakness mate, that's being fed up of suffering.

 

[Robi]

Don't beat yourself up. Also don't make your opinion of yourself, or your level of using, contingent on other people. (Which is to say, if you're not being treated well or spoken badly of, don't take that as a reason to be down on yourself and also don't take it as an excuse to go totally off to the races with the using.)

Also stop labelling yourself an addict. That may be technically the case at the moment but it is hugely unhelpful. You're having substance use problems but that doesn't make you a seperate second - class human. Why on earth take ONE personal problem you have, ONE behaviour that you're doing, and describe your entire identity in reference to that.

It does not help you get a handle on things, instead thinking of yourself in that way merely contributes to an image of yourself as being somehow fundamentally flawed, defective, broken and in for some kind of life sentence.
Which you aren't. Or rather, it doesn't HAVE to be that way. You aren't 'addict'.
You are YOU.

... And I'd stop listening to my family in your case and let whatever they're saying slide off. If you're doing 3 things instead of 5 things yes that's improvement. And if you're doing 3 things now you can do 2 things next week. You haven't said if your goal is total abstinence or moderation. Both is possible but you also have to be clear why you want it.

If you're trying to make an adjustment merely to avoid bad consequences of your use, or because you see it as an obligation to others, won't keep you motivated for long. If you can actually see a more rewarding life for yourself however, then you're on the right track to make any changes to your habit that you want. I'd wish you luck but it's really not down to luck. It's down to you and I reckon you can do it.

fanFntastic, you def are helping so many, know it or not

 

[birdup]

my dad thinks I'm WEAK cause I attempted suicide.

What a ridiculously inappropriate thing to say to someone with suicidal ideation. Jesus. Makes my dad look like a saint.

Don't listen to him, bro.

You are not weak.

People with substance abuse issues are strong. We go through hell. Sober folks have no idea.

An ex-friend of mine told me I was weak for getting high once. I tried to explain to him that drugs don't make life easier. They make it harder. I have to carry my cross and that makes me strong. He laughed and told me I was full of shit. That was the last time we spoke.

 

[Mafioso]

I can relate a lot, and have realized I've been written off by most despite struggling to slowly improve. Granted I've had plenty of set backs and I don't blame them for not being sympathetic, I just wish they'd understand rather than shut me out or cast judgement or act in institutional ways rather than like family when opening up. After talking to a family member who I thought I could confide in about how I was feeling and then receiving texts like "hey hows your mental health" and literally getting texted the suicide prevention number from various family members- I really decided to shut down and handle it on my own, or at least away from them. It was embarrassing, insulting, humiliating, cold, and just generally hurtful to know I'm being spoken about like a spectacle in private. Their offer of hep was what could be found with a google search...

Enough times has passed to where I can start to understand their perspective of well intended yet misguided concern. After being met with enough anger and insults when I tried to reach out for help, I realized I'm walking into a bakery and asking about how to fix my car. None of them have gone through what I have, and that isn't to take away or diminish their struggle, just that we face different problems that will be addressed differently.

You can't tell your family that the drug you're taking or getting off causes suicidal thoughts and deep depression unless you want them to be constantly concerned and worried. No motivational speech has been able to permanently lift the dark thoughts that resonate in my mind through the night and early mornings. The ones saying that it's not worth it. It's a constant battle, and few will understand or care to understand. It's an internal struggle, or at least one I've decided to internalize, beyond what expressed here, given the results of trying to get help. I'm afraid I lost all hope in for profit rehab or therapy- I get people need to live but it creates a direct conflict of interest: the quicker the patient improves the less work and profitability per patient, and vice versa.

I find most my hope in my body's ability to heal, given the right conditions. Reaching out to others struggling can be risky and even stupid, as many are shady characters/not in a good mindset. The best mindset I've found is to be the "fake it until you make it". Be extremely discretionary with who and what you discuss concerning drug or mental health issues to avoid labels and useless "help" that creates conflict. Focus more on building a personal regimen that works for me rather than more rigid programs like 12 step- which is most family's go to solution. Things like working out, eating healthy, education, reading, exercise, hiking/exploring nature, and developing healthy interests are far more important.

It's the bed i made, so it's the bed in I will sleep. Tomorrow is another chance at improving my bed, and since it's my bed I shoudn't ask for favors I cant repay equally.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

I have to carry my cross

You got no idea just how much I've come to hate that phrase. How 'bout NOT carrying it. How about entertaining the idea you might not HAVE to.

Substance misuse is literally treated like the secular equivalent of a sin, for which the penance demanded is endless struggle. Like somehow you owe it to society to suffer for your transgression.
And then they manage the ultimate mind - fuck of making you PROUD of just how difficult you're making it for yourself.

... Managed to force yourself through yet another day of miserable and resented abstinence while hating every second, oh well done you and here's a chip and a pat on the back, and just you better never forget that depriving yourself and feeling virtuous about it will be your lot till you breathe your last.

.... All this shit messed me up so much ; in some ways worse than my fucking drugging did. The best and kindest thing anyone ever did for me is to get me to consider I might be able to just simply MOVE. THE FUCK. ON. with my life instead of defining my entire future by past failures.

There's thousands and thousands of people who become abstinent and bloody DON'T 'bear their cross' every single day. They don't endlessly struggle and they don't run to endless counselling sessions like some substitute fix to keep in the clear. They just move on; in pretty much exactly the same way you might do from a disastrous relationship.
Their priorities change. They find they don't want substances in the same way they did before. They find they don't want substances for the same reasons they did before. There's thousands upon thousands again like myself, who don't quit but substantially reduce, and don't find it a burden or a constant fight against themselves, either.

And such individuals actually make up the vast majority of the totality of those who ever fit the criteria for addiction. Those who struggle nonstop and constantly 'relapse' are statistically the minority.
Yet that 's not how it's ever officially portrayed. And that officially propagated consensus absolutely fucks with a person's ideas about their individual chances.

.... Unfortunately I cannot prescribe a set course of action or steps to take which will be guaranteed to 'get you there'.
'Just do xyz and then you' ll be just like me ' is nothing but yet another mind-fuck, because human beings don't work that way. Just as each of our reasons and motivations for addictive behaviours are complex and individual, so are the ways we find out of that dilemma.

I' m merely here to tell you that it's doable, that you're not genetically fated to forever have this issue, or have a LITERALLY 'hijacked brain' or whatever else you've likely been told, and that there's no reason you shouldn't eventually see your own path to where so many countless others have successfully arrived. That suffering is NOT INEVITABLE.

 

[birdup]

I'm not sure how all that came from a single phrase (carry my cross) but I agree with most of what you said anyway. I have tried in the past to become 100% sober and I have long since come to the conclusion that isn't a realistic short term goal... and it's almost definitely not a realistic future goal either. I can't see it happening, at all.

I also don't have the time I used to devote to drug use. I've got kids and I'm working longer hours. So, I am just deciding what goes and what stays. I don't think drugs are inherently bad. I think addiction is bad. Drugs are better when you're not addicted to them. Addiction becomes boring and dull, like a couch potato bingeing television. It is being out of alignment with oneself, IMO.

I didn't mean to imply that it is a sin to have addiction problems with the Jesus thing. Everybody has a cross to bear. Some are heavier than others. I'm probably using the phrase loosely. I just like the image. It gives me strength. (I'm not Christian.)

Addiction isn't the end of the world. Everybody is addicted to something, I think. My parents are addicted to golf and coffee. My brothers are addicted to nicotine and television.

Some things are (statistically likely to be) worse than others.

How 'bout NOT carrying it.

The metaphor falls apart a bit when you treat it literally.

I don't know how to put it down. I don't owe it to anyone to suffer. I suffer because of what I do to myself. What I put in my body. How I disregard my health. Plus the social, spiritual and psychological impact over the decades.

Consuming massive amounts of drugs over long periods of time is like an endurance test. After a while, it becomes exhausting.

 

[December Flower]

Not one to share much emotional stuff, but I like you, quasi

9 years ago I asked my Aunt to give me a job, she said she will call me back later, never did, told my sister she doesn't work with junkies. I said "fuck her", went entirely clean. (There's also a pact I made with a friend, but that was post all that)

I made the mistake of telling her that I did try many substances, but that was it, actually. The only thing that ever was a problem was MDMA, and I had stopped doing that circa half a year ago at the time. I did a lot of psychotropes, but anything else was just once or twice to know what it's like, actual curiosity.

When I went into further education to get where I am today, my grandma told me "You're not going to make it". Said "fuck her", did it. Oh, shit she did feel bad about that for the rest of her life, dementia loop. Now I feel bad about it, even though she hurt me.

Take their hatred, their disgust, their disappointment and make it your fucking superpower. You're scared of what's going to happen, or angry, take that and make it yours. Fuck them, srsly.
The adrenaline you get thinking about how they think of you, it makes you smarter, faster, stronger, and so fucking alert it's crazy. Use that to your advantage, not to hurt yourself with it.

You can show them all, if you want

 

[LivingOnValium]

We, the other addicts, certainly cand approve your progress drom cutting 5 drugs to abuse to only 3. The "normies" fail to see the difference. They don¨t think anything has changed especialy if it doesn't look different,

 

[xaddictx]

What a ridiculously inappropriate thing to say to someone with suicidal ideation. Jesus. Makes my dad look like a saint.

Don't listen to him, bro.

You are not weak.

People with substance abuse issues are strong. We go through hell. Sober folks have no idea.

An ex-friend of mine told me I was weak for getting high once. I tried to explain to him that drugs don't make life easier. They make it harder. I have to carry my cross and that makes me strong. He laughed and told me I was full of shit. That was the last time we spoke.

Glad you tossed that toxic jerk!