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Failed suicide attempt

Mizotlangval

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2018
Messages
77
Location
N.E India
8 hours ago I tried to kill myself by I. V ING triple the amount of my regular heroin dose(been clean for a month) after ingesting a huge amount of diazepam 120mg (without tolerance). But luckily? some guys found me under the bridge, blacked out and saved me.. Now I'm fine, after some naxalone shot? I guess..
Now I'm at home with my wife.. And the worst thing is, she's blaming me for my act and calls me selfish!. I have been going through tough times and I'm not sure I'll be able to fight anymore.. I'm living with my wife and she doesn't understand my depression.
I have been clean for about a month but today I just snapped.. This is a cry for help. I'm from India and this is my first suicide attempt. BTW My two kids have been living with their grandparents. I know i need serious help asap and somehow I believe posting my situation here maybe a good thing instead of lying in bed and thinking about suicide and about today.. I still do have some little H too but I will not touch it tonight.. T. Y
 

14YearsOfFlux

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 8, 2016
Messages
101
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. That’s terrible. But... You seem upset that your wife would blame you... who else should she blame? You have children.
 

G_Chem

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 17, 2015
Messages
1,109
She should be upset yes, but based on this post I get the impression she was overly harsh considering everything. If you love someone, the last thing you do is come down on them when they come home after a failed suicide attempt and spill their guts to you.

I’m getting the impression you may not be all that happy with your marriage OP?

-GC
 

Mizotlangval

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2018
Messages
77
Location
N.E India
Thank you guys.. I'm still here.. My wife just came home from work and told me she consulted a psychiatrist and told me she needed space! I made dinner but she told me that she's decided to sleep over at her parents, she already let the kids stay there as well. We argued over our past relationships rather than talking about my mental health, although I know I'm not a professional but I'm afraid she has narcissistic personality disorder. She's still here.. Preparing to leave... I have too many things going on my mind right know.. I dunno if this make any sense but I believe I have to reach out for help at least here..
 

Mizotlangval

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2018
Messages
77
Location
N.E India
She should be upset yes, but based on this post I get the impression she was overly harsh considering everything. If you love someone, the last thing you do is come down on them when they come home after a failed suicide attempt and spill their guts to you.

I’m getting the impression you may not be all that happy with your marriage OP?

-GC
You are absolutely right. We're both unhappy apperently . But in our culture divorce is a complicated thing,almost 100 pc of the people in our state (north east India, mizoram ) are fundamental Christians (protestants). I was raised a Christian and my father is a devoted Christian who's always trying to shove his beliefs up my *** and blaming me for not having faith in Jesus christ! esp whenever somethings going wrong in my life.
In fact I've never actually have the gut to tell people that I'm an atheist.it can be really stressful to pretend that I'm a believer among some circle of friends and even my families. I wish I could just say it out lout that I'm an atheist but it's considered taboo since our culture is all about christianity!. That issue alone can be very stressful in many social situations.
Imagine an atheist saying a prayer on a microphone in front of people in a church! I have to do that from time to time.. ?

Dont come here for a vacation if you're gay or an atheist.. ?(a joke I used to tell to our foreigner musician friends ?)
 

Xorkoth

Sr. Mod: PD, TR, TDS, P&S
Staff member
Joined
Feb 8, 2006
Messages
40,901
Location
Shadowmeister v0
Hey man, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Have you ever been to counseling? Finding a good therapist can really help you get to the bottom of why you're depressed. If the reason is because of a bad childhood, or parental issues, or trauma, then a good trauma therapist can really help you. Some people just have a chemical imbalance in their brains which causes mood disorders, and in that case, if you find the right medication, it can change your life. Maybe you've already seeked help before but if you haven't tried all that stuff, please do yourself a favor and try, because you could look back in a couple of years and think , wow, my life is so much better now, I can't believe I tried to kill myself!

As for your wife, does she have a history of treating you poorly? It totally makes sense she would be upset, and even think you're being selfish, and it's possible she's just so scared and doesn't want to go through something like that again, for her or your kids. But if she has a history of treating you poorly, then that might be part of your depression. I know I used to be married and she was very cruel to me whenever she got mad, it was an abusive situation that went on for a long time, and it was the main reason why I was addicted to opiates, just to cover up that pain. By the end I wanted to die, though I never actually tried to kill myself. Instead the relationship finally ended and I got free and got off opiates and my life is completely different and a million times better now (it's been 6 years since then, but my life has been better for a long time now). Of course, we didn't have kids, so that made it a lot less complicated.
 

Mizotlangval

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2018
Messages
77
Location
N.E India
Hey man, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Have you ever been to counseling? Finding a good therapist can really help you get to the bottom of why you're depressed. If the reason is because of a bad childhood, or parental issues, or trauma, then a good trauma therapist can really help you. Some people just have a chemical imbalance in their brains which causes mood disorders, and in that case, if you find the right medication, it can change your life. Maybe you've already seeked help before but if you haven't tried all that stuff, please do yourself a favor and try, because you could look back in a couple of years and think , wow, my life is so much better now, I can't believe I tried to kill myself!

As for your wife, does she have a history of treating you poorly? It totally makes sense she would be upset, and even think you're being selfish, and it's possible she's just so scared and doesn't want to go through something like that again, for her or your kids. But if she has a history of treating you poorly, then that might be part of your depression. I know I used to be married and she was very cruel to me whenever she got mad, it was an abusive situation that went on for a long time, and it was the main reason why I was addicted to opiates, just to cover up that pain. By the end I wanted to die, though I never actually tried to kill myself. Instead the relationship finally ended and I got free and got off opiates and my life is completely different and a million times better now (it's been 6 years since then, but my life has been better for a long time now). Of course, we didn't have kids, so that made it a lot less complicated.
I had suggested marriage councelling plenty of times but my wife don't want to go,she always says that she don't want a divorce because she loves me, but somehow she don't want to go to a therapist with me!
I wish I was never been borned in this city.
I always wanted to go and live in America when i was young, your freedom of speech, economic, separation of church and state, education, music clubs,job opportunities etc
I'm a jazz musician and it's next to impossible to make a living playing jazz, to earn a living I produce boring countryish local backing tracks, play stupid 3 chord local gospel songs at a wedding and teach rich people's spoiled kids how to play a D chord.And I'm expected to tell them kids how drugs ruin musicians!
Im a failure thats what I am. But I'll give it a try.. The therapy? There are no good psychologist around in our city. (I know, I have looked around) There are not much enough professionals who do CBT.In fact I have never seen any single add! I might be better off trying to do online professional help..but again.. Money!!!
Sorry for the rant, but I need to get that off my chest..
Ty ty for your concern.. I feel a little better. I really do... Ty
 

Mizotlangval

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2018
Messages
77
Location
N.E India
Hahaha. Im currently on a balcony right after I made the above post , at my wife's place,trying to sort out our marital problems..
My wife just said to me"while you were trying to commit suicide yesterday, you don't even think of me, do you"
I just cringe
 
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