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drugs are my happiness, life is dark

jose ribas da silva

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Why do I love drugs so much?

This week, after a long period sober, I have thrown everything in the air. A HUGE fuck for life

I had a social commitment today and I knew that for this situation it would be necessary to spend a lot of energy, socializing, being nice, making professional contacts. The big thing is that I am dead inside, completely, no energy, no happiness, a hollow body, a body without a soul.

How could I spend six to eight hours at a social event, which, in turn, would require the most of my social abilities, being dead inside, barely leaving my bed when at home? There is only one answer to this question: cocaine!

Yesterday, I went to buy it, got the product, the purest one, 2 g, enough to have fun without losing the control (I was addicted to cocaine)

It was necessary to get up early today, considering this, of course, I took alprazolam to sleep yesterday night, 1 mg, just to alleviate cocaine comedowns.

Today, I woke up feeling great, my depression disappeared, my event was excellent, and I reached my goals. From time to time, I was in the bathroom snorting some lines (the cocaine sensations were even better than normal because of the residual alprazolam effect). I presented my work with mastery (high as fuck). Probably, my career will be a success and I will gain a lot of money. Nevertheless, I will still hate my life.

Doing a line right now, one of the last lines, depressive music playing, all my mouth is anesthetized, my teeth, my body, my soul. I light up my joint, drink a beer, life is wonderful right now. At the same time I feel nice I feel paranoid, strange, probably because my brain is fucked up forever.

Tomorrow I don’t have more drugs, the hell will begin again. I cannot enjoy life without drugs, when I try I am faking.

Why do I love drugs so much ?
 

swilow

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I cannot enjoy life without drugs, when I try I am faking.
That exact logic is what you need to turn onto the drugs themselves. What is 'faker' than the emotions created by ingesting a drug? The coke high is the fake part if you look at it in a particular way. Its the reason that you are struggling to feel a sense of achievement even as you write "Probably, my career will be a success and I will gain a lot of money". The huge dopamine surge of stimulants is so artificial that it makes the normal dopamine release that helps to reinforce everyday positive feelings/events basically vanish. It simply takes time for you to become more sensitive to dopamine again and able to feel good about 'regular' things.

I'm 6 months post opiates and have still been really struggling to feel satisfied by anything- I still feel like I am in limbo or some in-between state, but I can tell you that I am gaining a sense of personal satisfaction from stuff again. The tough thing to accept is that nothing that happens in regular, day-to-day life is going to be similar to the cocaine/opiate/whatever high. You get similar feelings but not of the same intensity- at the same time, you won't ever really feel those lifeless depths of despair that come when the drugs run out. Drug users get so used to the highs and lows- there is really something nice about a certain neutrality. Its unnatural to expeience such intense emotional oscillations.
 

Chris42393

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Mar 3, 2016
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Why do I love drugs so much?

This week, after a long period sober, I have thrown everything in the air. A HUGE fuck for life

I had a social commitment today and I knew that for this situation it would be necessary to spend a lot of energy, socializing, being nice, making professional contacts. The big thing is that I am dead inside, completely, no energy, no happiness, a hollow body, a body without a soul.

How could I spend six to eight hours at a social event, which, in turn, would require the most of my social abilities, being dead inside, barely leaving my bed when at home? There is only one answer to this question: cocaine!

Yesterday, I went to buy it, got the product, the purest one, 2 g, enough to have fun without losing the control (I was addicted to cocaine)

It was necessary to get up early today, considering this, of course, I took alprazolam to sleep yesterday night, 1 mg, just to alleviate cocaine comedowns.

Today, I woke up feeling great, my depression disappeared, my event was excellent, and I reached my goals. From time to time, I was in the bathroom snorting some lines (the cocaine sensations were even better than normal because of the residual alprazolam effect). I presented my work with mastery (high as fuck). Probably, my career will be a success and I will gain a lot of money. Nevertheless, I will still hate my life.

Doing a line right now, one of the last lines, depressive music playing, all my mouth is anesthetized, my teeth, my body, my soul. I light up my joint, drink a beer, life is wonderful right now. At the same time I feel nice I feel paranoid, strange, probably because my brain is fucked up forever.

Tomorrow I don’t have more drugs, the hell will begin again. I cannot enjoy life without drugs, when I try I am faking.

Why do I love drugs so much ?
Have you had blood work done and had your testosterone levels checked? I LOVED drugs as well (mainly abused opiates, but used them medically as well). All of my problems disappeared when I took them. After I got clean (was going down a BAD path), I started using testosterone (steroids) and it seemed once I increased my T levels, all of those problems disappeared. No more depression, fatigue, low libido, etc. etc. I had absolutely zero urge to use drugs again.

I'm guessing I just had low testosterone that caused all my problems. Id get some blood work done brotha, to make sure everything is good.
 

nznity

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I think you need some counseling man, you seem to be carrying a backpack full of shit and u need to grt rid of it. If u don't wanna go to a psychologist/psychiatrist, you could try doing and ayahuasca sesh to get ur shit together and do some insight. U don't actually lovr drugs, you love how drugs make you forget about your problems, trust me, Been there done that. You need to get your shit together and man up, Tell your problems to somebody you trust or like I said do some therapy, if you don't there's gonna be a moment when ur gonna be filled up with so much shit that you'll consider or attempt suicide. Cocaine is just gonna make things worse in the end, it's the worst drug of all. Get some help asap man, take care.
 

jose ribas da silva

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Thanks for listening

I have tried many things, psychiatrics, therapy, ayahuasca, mushrooms, strenuous physical exercises, healthy food; my health is good in terms of hormones, sugar levels etc. I am constantly practicing physical exercises.

I have been actively trying to improve my life through small actions, trying to analyze my problems in the most logical way and being focused on solving them with effort. I am incessantly trying to do something in order to improve my current life situation but my energy has been ending over time.

I am afraid that the dissatisfaction of living without drugs will last forever. I mean, once one knows the other side, one truly knows! When I am hanging out with my friends and I am sober, my anxiety reaches an extreme level, almost unbearable. I am constantly flooded with memories of drugs when trying to enjoy life sober. I could not relearn properly how to deal with life without drugs. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to handle myself sober, it has been more than 15 years constantly high, all substances that I had access to.

I have tried several benzodiazepines (oxazepam, alprazolam, diazepam, cloxazolam, clonazepam), antidepressants (desvenlafaxine, escitalopram, fluoxetine), antipsychotics (quetiapine). For “trying”, it can be understood that I have done the correct treatment by following strictly medical recommendations, as well as I have been taking them recreationally, most often along with alcohol, cocaine, marijuana, and so on.

In fact, all my attempts to stay sober have failed in 15 days (more or less) because weed has been always present, but I don’t consider myself addicted to cocaine, alcohol, and benzos anymore, although I still use them sporadically.

As it was very well said, we never get the same levels of satisfaction in ordinary activities as we would get with drugs. Very hard to get used to this without getting depressed.
 

Mafioso

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I'm not sure anyone can truly answer that question besides yourself. I know for myself and many others, the reason resides somewhere in the mix of trauma/unresolved emotional issues and a struggle to cope with it.
have been actively trying to improve my life through small actions, trying to analyze my problems in the most logical way and being focused on solving them with effort. I am incessantly trying to do something in order to improve my current life situation but my energy has been ending over time.

I am afraid that the dissatisfaction of living without drugs will last forever.
If you keep up with those activities, and are slowly improving your quality of life little by little, in time that fear will dissipate as you will be finding more and more satisfaction as the days go by. It's hard, but you have to trust in the process and things will get better. Maybe not everything around you, but your ability to cope and manage will, and thus your life and well-being will improve.
When I am hanging out with my friends and I am sober, my anxiety reaches an extreme level, almost unbearable. I am constantly flooded with memories of drugs when trying to enjoy life sober.
I'd be curious to know what type of friends you are hanging out with when your anxiety becomes unbearable. Is this will all friends? Do you have sober friends or are you still hanging out with your friends you would party with? Also, what kinds of things are you doing while hanging out? If it's activities that you used to do while fucked up, this could be a definite trigger and the solution, for me at least, was to find activities that are far more stimulating and productive. Either way, somewhere in there is a trigger and you'll need to do some self-exploration to figure out what it is. Then, once you have identified the trigger, you can work through it in a number of ways. Generally, they are best avoided for a bit until emotions have settled, then slowly reintroducing exposure to trigger, with low intensity at first then building to full intensity, but making sure to go at a pace where you are able to manage/bear the anxiety/discomfort.
 

PharmSauce

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I would consider that you might be depressed. If you have chemical imbalances which lead to chronic lack of dopamine or serotonin, you may have this problem regardless from if you've ever ingested drugs in your life or not. Unless you have anxiety, the first antidepressant medication I would try if I were you, is bupropion (Wellbutrin) - it has a similar mechanism to cocaine, it just doesn't boost serotonin. I suffered from lack of energy and lack of giving a shit about anything for a long time. Bupropion does wonders for me. So does Kratom. I also take fluoxetine.
 

jose ribas da silva

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I have identified many triggers, childhood traumas, mainly. Working on them to see whether something happens; so far, yes, I am “happy” because I could identify causes and understand better my mind; starting to figure out why some bad feelings grow so strongly. I try to do not lie to myself, even when the truth hurts, as it is the case with addictions. It hurts to see how many chances I have lost because of my crazy attitudes when out of control. Anyway, time does not come back and acceptance is a part of the healing process. However, the length of time required for a set of small actions in fact begins to have practical results in life is very long. Perhaps, they will never result in something useful and the suffering will be there, it is also a possibility that cannot be excluded, life is a crazy train without apparent purpose. To keep on trying is the only thing that we can do: if the present sucks, the hope is in the future, this sentence summarizes a big part of human impotence when facing life.

When I go out, all my friends are doing drugs, the most sober friends that I have are those who only smoke marijuana constantly, not doing other drugs (or just sporadically). I have practically excluded my “cocaine friends”, I cannot hang out with them. The temptation is too high, I cannot enjoy anything, only thinking about cocaine (even when they are not using, only because of their presence).

I smoke a lot of weed, I mean, really a lot, it is my drug of choice. I cannot just change my friends, they are my friends since childhood or for years, my brothers. I need to learn how to live without drugs even when people is consuming drugs in front of me, therefore the task is harder. In addition, most of my relatives also smoke weed so that it is truly encrusted in my life. I would love to quit smoking weed, I am always thinking about quitting it, I have tried dozens of times, always relapsing or only achieving my goals under the influence of benzodiazepines, which, of course, is not sustainable. I would love to quit smoking but I also love smoking, so it is very difficult to stop when the drug is circling you so intimately.
 
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FutureReference

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Are you seeing a therapist? You mentioned Alprazolam; are you being prescribed this? The ups of cocaine are amazing but you have already acknowledged the fact benzos are required to sleep following the highs due to the lows. Cocaine will make life seem bland due to the immediate gratification, but it is not sustainable.

You sound depressed. Why not talk to your therapist, and get on a medication like Clonazepam? It is the same potency of Alprazolam but will last all day long and make life bareable. I cannot work and barely function and the Clonazepam gives me hope and manages my depression and PTSD well. I am here to talk man. We all know drugs feel amazing but have their downsides. Unfortunately with cocaine that downside is guaranteed and is not worth the financial burden or consistent depression it leaves us in. You got this brother. Klonopin could save your life man, seriously. Smoke your weed, cut out the cocaine, and get a prescription. I'm wishing you the best.
 

Phenpsycho

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I know this is an old post, but I just wanted to say I can relate to the weed addiction. Funnily enough I always have it in my mind I will quit the weed after I stop the harder drugs, but even when I successfully quit all other drugs for months on end, my brain screams at me for weed at the end of each day. I have been off of Kratom and daily stimulant usage for a few months now, and I'm still smoking weed.

I wouldn't have a problem with this addiction if it didn't noticeably make my social anxiety and paranoia worse after I smoke it. I have also tried to supplement my weed usage with 2-3 days of a benzo at night in place of smoking it, and there's something to the weed high my mind can't seem to let go of. I have a history of enjoying strange and even uncomfortable drug induced experiences, for reasons I can't figure out. Before I ever tried an opiate, stimulant or tranquilizer, I was heavily addicted to diphenhydramine and the horrific state of mind it would put me in. Weed is now a disgusting feeling drug to me every time I smoke it, not quite as bad as dyphenhydramine on my mental health, but pretty detrimental. I will probably continue smoking it anyway, until I have an experience that's so anxiety inducing and paranoia filled that I will have the anger needed to cease my usage of it.

Most drugs mess me up from the withdrawals and PAW's, not the actual effect. I can use them and function without any issues while I'm not withdrawing. With weed, dissociatives, and even psychedelics if taken too frequently, I start to lose the narrative and find it hard to get back to reality and relating to everyday concepts again, rather than obsessing over fantasy thoughtstreams.
 

swilow

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am afraid that the dissatisfaction of living without drugs will last forever
Trust me- it doesn't. Unfortunately, there isn't much except time that will relieve this dissatisfaction but if you are patient, you will find relief as you start to feel 'normal' again. I've started looking back on drug experiences with a sort distaste- but at first, it was rose coloured glasses for months.

we never get the same levels of satisfaction in ordinary activities as we would get with drugs. Very hard to get used to this without getting depressed.
Let me try and expand on this because my main point was how artificial the drug "satisfaction" is and how much this costs you.

Snort some coke and the dopamine release will be vastly stronger than anything you can experience sober. Of course, this comes at a price; you have finite dopamine receptors and they switch off under such unnatural stimulus so you end up experiencing a huge deficit of "sastisfaction" to the extent that you migjt start to think that you need drugs to feel satisfied. I felt like that but I also knew that reason I felt that massive sense of depression and dissatisfaction was BECAUSE of drugs. Far from satisfying me, they made it impossible for me to feel satisfied. Drugs are not the thing that will give me comfort and satisfaction, they are the reason I was unable to feel this. Once you see that drugs are the cause of your problems and not a solution at all, it's hard to keep on drugging.

I wrote a cost/benefit analysis style chart- pros and cons of drug use. Do this and be harsh and honest and it's pretty hard to justify drug use. For the most part, the pros that I found were related to stopping withdrawal symptoms. Given that drugs were the cause of these symptoms, I was unable to find any reason to continue. Of course, I was addicted so I continued for a while and hated myself so much that one day 7 months ago i stopped and haven't relapsed or even considered it. 7 months isn't much in the face of 10 years but I literally cannot see myself ever going back to opiates because to do so would be to continue ruining my chance at REAL happiness.

Be patient, take it a day at a time and let your brain heal itself. And believe me, it will. You are not locked into addiction forever. ❤
 

FutureReference

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Trust me- it doesn't. Unfortunately, there isn't much except time that will relieve this dissatisfaction but if you are patient, you will find relief as you start to feel 'normal' again. I've started looking back on drug experiences with a sort distaste- but at first, it was rose coloured glasses for months.



Let me try and expand on this because my main point was how artificial the drug "satisfaction" is and how much this costs you.

Snort some coke and the dopamine release will be vastly stronger than anything you can experience sober. Of course, this comes at a price; you have finite dopamine receptors and they switch off under such unnatural stimulus so you end up experiencing a huge deficit of "sastisfaction" to the extent that you migjt start to think that you need drugs to feel satisfied. I felt like that but I also knew that reason I felt that massive sense of depression and dissatisfaction was BECAUSE of drugs. Far from satisfying me, they made it impossible for me to feel satisfied. Drugs are not the thing that will give me comfort and satisfaction, they are the reason I was unable to feel this. Once you see that drugs are the cause of your problems and not a solution at all, it's hard to keep on drugging.

I wrote a cost/benefit analysis style chart- pros and cons of drug use. Do this and be harsh and honest and it's pretty hard to justify drug use. For the most part, the pros that I found were related to stopping withdrawal symptoms. Given that drugs were the cause of these symptoms, I was unable to find any reason to continue. Of course, I was addicted so I continued for a while and hated myself so much that one day 7 months ago i stopped and haven't relapsed or even considered it. 7 months isn't much in the face of 10 years but I literally cannot see myself ever going back to opiates because to do so would be to continue ruining my chance at REAL happiness.

Be patient, take it a day at a time and let your brain heal itself. And believe me, it will. You are not locked into addiction forever. ❤
This gives me hope. I am at a standstill myself man. The chronic pain post-military makes life not worth living but as you have put it, the relief I get from Oxy is temporary and I feel the immediate dopamine release makes all the time without it even worse. I truly don't know what to do. I am unhappy with and without them and just feel stuck
 

swilow

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If you're gonna be unhappy with or without drugs the choice you have is whether or not you should make your situation worse or not, cos drugs aren't helping and are probablg creating that situation- imo you may as well do it without them. While they may bring temporary relief, that temporary relief will make unhappiness worse- its a biochemical fact. The good news is that nothing is permanent, the brain is always learning and can learn to exist and be happy without drugs. And all you have to do to start the process is make a choice.

Makes it sound simple which is not accurate, but I kid you not- once I KNEW that drugs were causing my problems, quitting was easy. I mean literally easy. I've had no cravings of note. Very little withdrawal but definitely found it very hard to feel anything but flat and neutral at first. Now I feel pretty good and am doing stuff with my life again. The first 3 months was very weird and unsettling but also a good transformative period. I felt depressed and still do a bit, but you don't actually have to do anything when you feel depressed. You don't need go try and make it go away, it cannot hurt you- you can sit with a negative feeling and just accept it- and it fades. It's the constant urgency in addicts to remove all negativity that forces us to make choices that make this negativity deeper and more profound.

All the best ❤
 

damsel1985

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DRUGS are not any way to ensue lifelong happiness at all. I think being happy requires less hassles to deal with, and not being exposed to nasty things like critique or ridicule because some humans can be really terrible towards you while you are at a crossroads in life where their presence has been more invasive than assisting - these are the culprits, and they tout their views to suit others' sympathies seeing as the truth about them wouldn't even be palatable if you WERE under the influence. person no thank you. drugs best off abstaining to stay well in general, no compromise to your braincells.
 

jose ribas da silva

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I know drugs are killing me, creating anxiety, paranoia, etc. Similarly, I know I am using drugs as an escape mechanism. Some problems, they need a long time to heal, even when constant efforts are being made in order to do so. In this context, if one is in pain, what should one do? Stay sober or high?

Life can be gray, I don’t know, perhaps, I’d rather stay with drugs and not with reality. As it was said, to stop it is necessary to be very pissed off with oneself. Or, it can be done in the name of family, and so on, but a strong motivating factor is needed.

In my personal experience, disregarding withdrawal symptoms, the hardest drug to quit is marijuana. It is like, “it is not dangerous”, “not a drug”, “it is not so bad”, “I can work well high”, so many excuses.

I spent a year and a half sniffing at least one gram of cocaine per day, drinking 10-15 beers, taking benzos in high doses, and when I hated myself because of that I stopped. But I cannot hate myself because I smoke weed from morning to night.
 
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I know for me even when I give into urges and use something it's never what I want to do habitually deep down inside because I know drugs don't equal happiness.

When drugs are used moderately and appropriately they can be tools but when they become something that impacts you in a deleterious manner like spending all your money and making you not interact with the right people...

Ya I mean not in the mood to talk much.
 
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Are you seeing a therapist? You mentioned Alprazolam; are you being prescribed this? The ups of cocaine are amazing but you have already acknowledged the fact benzos are required to sleep following the highs due to the lows. Cocaine will make life seem bland due to the immediate gratification, but it is not sustainable.

You sound depressed. Why not talk to your therapist, and get on a medication like Clonazepam? It is the same potency of Alprazolam but will last all day long and make life bareable. I cannot work and barely function and the Clonazepam gives me hope and manages my depression and PTSD well. I am here to talk man. We all know drugs feel amazing but have their downsides. Unfortunately with cocaine that downside is guaranteed and is not worth the financial burden or consistent depression it leaves us in. You got this brother. Klonopin could save your life man, seriously. Smoke your weed, cut out the cocaine, and get a prescription. I'm wishing you the best.
Cocaine nevers fulfills me and actually becomes unpleasant after a hour of using it. Like really unpleasant. Fuck cocaine dude.

Crack is whack too. I mean crack has really fulfilled me in the moment in ways coke has never been able to but like dude crack is whack. Thankfully I never got hooked.
 
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