Domestic Violence is a serious problem........and one that someone generally never cries out for help. There are statistics that suggest over 32 million of American's have experienced Domestic Violence (DV), that's over 10% of USA's population.
While Bluelight may be more aimed towards drug harm reduction, DV is generally associated with drug abuse and/or mental illnesses in one aspect or another. One of the general problems with DV is that it is commonly associated with physical violence, when truly, that is barely even the tip of the sword.
In DV, it's ALL ABOUT CONTROL! The abusers need for control over his/her victim can stem from many different aspects; past abuse problems, drug problems, mental illness, but no matter what, the game they play is not acceptable.
It needs to be noted, a mental illness does NOT make someone an abuser or more likely to abuse. Bipolar Depressants actually have a tendency to become victims of abuse as the mental condition can make them a bit more submissive.
While the most common gender is women (whom with recent studies, have shown to only be 3x more likely to be the victims as opposed to reports from 1970's when males where scared to report or their reports were not taken seriously) it is most definitely important to note that DV knows NO GENDER!
Also, DV is not only between a male and female partner. It also is child abuse and can occur between homosexual couples. In fact, male-male couples are several times more likely than a heterosexual couple to have some form of DV.
There are different forms of abuse; physical, emotional, sexual, use of economic depression, intimidation,stalking, and even neglect.
PHYSICAL- Self explanatory, kicking,punching,biting,scratching. Any form of physical aggression.
EMOTIONAL- This abuse is where the abuser gains true control over their victim. Embarrassing them publicly, name calling, cutting off their ties to family and friends, clothes they may or may not wear. This also includes the withholding of love. It is indeed common for abusers to "deny" love to someone whom should so deserve it (husband/wife or a child) With the abuser constantly denying affection, it makes the victim strive harder to please the abuser, while further driving down self esteem.
Neglect also falls into this category.
SEXUAL- Any situation in which force is used to obtain participation in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity constitutes sexual abuse. Rape is apart of this stigma, but is not the only form. Partners who have been sexually abused are more likely to be murdered by their abuser than a victim whom has not been.
It NEEDS to be made clear that rape or any form of sexual abuse is NOT gender specific, both males and females can be raped!
ECONOMIC DEPRESSION- By completely controlling their victims money, either by taking their entire paycheck or by not permitting them to work, this makes yet another form of dependence for the victim's abuser.
STALKING- This is a form of psychological fear the abuser uses to exhort control by making the victim afraid to carry out a normal life. PLEASE TAKE STALKING SERIOUSLY!! This tends to lead to drastic physical consequences, like death!!
Abusers tend to act as normal people when first encountering them. A sign you may be becoming involved with a abuser is a quick push for involvement or "love at first sight". If your new found partner has a past of domestic violence, it is most likely best for you to walk away, as domestic violence is not situational, it carries from one abusive relationship to the next. If they have constant uncontrolable mood swings and blame your actions for it, that is another sign of a abusive partner. If they become obsessed with where you are at all times and claim it's for your safety, that too is just them trying to dictate your every move. As they start to cut you off slowly from friends and family, it is their way of increasing your dependence on them as a supporter, trying to make it much more difficult for the victim to leave.
There is a cycle that tends to happen and recirculate in a domestically violent relationship also known as the "cycle of abuse". Even if the abuser and victim no longer live together, the cycle still can continue through other forms of abuse like stalking. Even after separation, the victim may still experience this cycle even without her abuser around anymore as a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Honeymoon Phase
Characterized by affection, apology, and apparent end of violence. During this stage the batterer feels overwhelming feelings of remorse and sadness. Some batterers walk away from the situation, while others shower their victims with love and affection.
Tension Building Phase
Characterized by poor communication, tension, fear of causing outbursts. During this stage the victims try to calm the batterer down, to avoid any major violent confrontations.
Acting-out Phase
Characterized by outbursts of violent, abusive incidents. During this stage the batterer attempts to dominate his/her partner(victim), with the use of domestic violence.
Signs of a abuser
1. Unemployed or Underemployment. Underemployment is not necessarily an objective phenomenon
2. Emotional Dependency. Emotional dependency on the spouse is usually not recognized or understood, but is expressed through demands for constant reassurance and gratification. This may explain in part why spouse abuse often begins during wife's pregnancy.
3. High Investment in Marriage. Wants to preserve marriage at any cost and will go to great lengths to do so. In the event of separation or divorce, tends to immediately replace lost spouse with a new partner.
4. Boundaries. Violates your personal space. Intimidates you by getting too close. Touches, pinches, grabs you against your will.
5. Quick Involvement. Sweeps you off your feet. Love at first sight. "You're the only one for me." Desperately pressures you for a commitment so you're engaged or living together in less than 6 months.
6. Controlling Behavior. Controls where you go, what you do, with whom and for how long. Controls money and money decisions, won't allow you to share expenses or refuses to work and won't share expenses. Protective to the point of controlling. Says their angry when you're "late" because they "care." Takes your car keys, won't let you go to church, work, or school.
7. Jealousy. Angry about your relationship with other men, women, even children and family. This insecurity and possessiveness causes them to accuse you of flirting or having affairs, to call frequently or drop by to check up on you, even check your car mileage or have you followed.
8. Abusive Family of Origin. Was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child or witnessed spouse abuse. They sees violence as normal behavior, a natural part of family life.
9. Low Self-Esteem. Guards their fragile sense of self by acting tough and macho. Damages your self-esteem, demeans you growth, demands your silence.
10. Alcohol/Drug Abuse. Abuses alcohol/drugs, tries to get you drunk, berates you if you won't get high. They may deny their drug problem and refuse to get help. Don't think you can change them or that alcohol/drug abuse causes violent behavior. They are two separate problems.
11. Difficulty Expressing Emotions. Unable to identify feelings and express them directly and appropriately. They may say they're "hurt" and sulk when their really angry. They displaces anger at their boss or themselves onto you.
12. Blames Others for their Feelings or Problems. Believes others are out to get them and their the victim. Blames you for everything that goes wrong. Will say "You make me mad," "You make me happy," "I can't help getting angry" to manipulate you. Holds you responsible for their suicidal or self-abusive behavior.
13. Hypersensitivity. Quick temper, unable to handle frustration without getting angry, easily insulted. Will "rant and rave" about minor things like traffic tickets or request to do chores.
14. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Seems like two different people with mood swings from nice to explosive. May change their behavior around the guys/gals. May be very sociable around others and only abusive with you.
15. Unrealistic Expectations. Very dependent on you for all his physical and emotional needs ("You're all I need"). Expects you to live up to their ideals of a perfect partner, mother, father, lover, friend.
16. Rigid Religious Beliefs. Justifies rigid sex roles and the physical/emotional/sexual domination of women and children with strict or distorted interpretations of scripture.
17. Emotional Abuse. They may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names like "fat, ugly, stupid" curse and yell at you, belittle your accomplishments, manipulate you with lies, contradictions, and crazy-making tactics, humiliate you in private or public, regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake or wake you up to argue or verbally abuse you.
18. Isolation. An acquaintance rapist will try to separate you from others to a secluded spot. Batterers will try to keep you from working or attending school, move you to a rural area, restrict your use of the phone or car. They'll try to cut you off from men, women, family and children by saying "You're a whore," "You're a lesbian," "You're tied to your parent's apron strings," or "You're spoiling the kids."
19. Reliance on Pornography. Rapists, child molesters and abusers who sexually abuse or rape their partners often have an abundance of pornographic literature, photographs, magazines, or videos. They may want to involve you in their interest by photographing you or taking you to pornographic movies or shops.
20. Sexual Abuse. Refuses platonic relationship if dating, uses "playful" force in sex, uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into having sex, coerces or forces you to have sex or hurts you during sex, demands sex when you're scared, ill, tired or starts to have sex when you're asleep, drunk, or unable to give consent.
21. Cruelty to Animals, Children, or Others. Teases, bullies, abuses or harshly punishes animals, children, elderly, weaker people or other women. Is insensitive to other's pan. Tortures or kills pets to feel powerful or hurt you. Threatens to kidnap the children if you leave. Punishes or deprives the children when angry at you. Punishes the children for behavior they're incapable of (whipping a 2 year-old for wet diapers).
22. Past Violence. Any history of violence to "solve" problems. Justifies hitting or abusing women in the past, but "they made me do it." Friends, relatives or ex-partners say he's abusive (Batterers beat any woman they're with. You didn't cause it and you can't control it or cure it).
23. Fascination with Weapons. Plays with guns, knives, or other lethal weapons, threatening to "get even" with you or others.
24. Threats of Violence. Any threats of physical force to control you or make you do something should be taken seriously. He may threaten to hurt you or your family. Non-batterers do not say things like "I'll kill you" or "I'll break your neck."
25. Breaking or Striking Objects. Punishes you by breaking loved objects, terrorizes you into submission (If he doesn't want you to be a student, he may destroy school books or break lamps). Non-batterers do not beat on tables, punch holes in walls, destroy furniture, throw objects at you to threaten you. The message is "You're next! You're just an object I can control and I can break you like our china."
26. Any Force During an Argument. Hurts you in anger or in "play", pushing , shoving, pulling, grabbing you by the collar, holding you down, restraining you from leaving the room, slapping, punching, hitting, kicking, or burning. This cycle of violence is followed by a "honeymoon" period, then an escalation of tension and more violence. The episodes of violence will get more frequent, more intense, and will not stop on their own.
You do not need all these signs to be a abuser, nor does ONE sign equal a abuser. If they have a majority of these signs then the case is more than likely a abuser.
Also of note, the BOLD signs are th ones of DEATHLY CONSEQUENCES! If in those cases they have one sign, your chances of violence are dramatically increased, further if seperation is occured, your chances of death are MORE increased! Use caution in these cases!
Signs of a victim
-Low self esteem, may not like themselves very much. Places low values on their own feelings and needs
-Has difficulties setting limits. Tries to become a "Superperson" in order to please the abuser.
-Believes the abuser will change
-Blames themselves for the abuse
-Isolated and kept away from friends
-Denies the extent of the problem
-May make constant unexplained trips to the ER, "falling down stairs" etc etc
-Wears long sleeves clothing when it is inappropriate, to cover up bruising
If you suspect you are someone you love may be a victim, there are ways to get help. Try reaching out to family and loved ones. There are numerous shelters in place these days to help victims, Safe Nestt or Safe House being a couple of the big ones. Because of the information on domestic violence now a days, they do accept male clients as well.
It is also important to go to your local court house and apply for a restraining order. If you have anything like threatening notes, voicemails , even pictures from a prior incident, please take them. If you feel your life is endangered in any way they usually will grant you one. Remember, domestic violence is not only physical, it's through intimidation. Think about things you may need to help you survive. If you have kids with your abuser, most TPO's allow you to file for temporary custody. TPO's will also order the abuser to not shut off your utilities, or to not make ANY contact with you what-so-ever!
A restraining order does not take effect till the other person is served and it was first signed by a judge. It is also important to note, that after it is signed, there is a hearing held within 30 days to determine if the restraining order should be extended or dissolved. Your abuser will have the legal right to be there, so it is ok to bring moral support.
A Story From The Author Of This FAQ
I feel one of the best things for this FAQ is to help shed some light on how troubling being a victim to DV can be for a victim, and how important it is for others to help look for the signs in their friends and loved ones to help see if they are victims to abuse.
I am a male, father of 2 children, and a victim to a physically, emotionaly and even sexually abusive partner. For many years, I had no control in my life. I was constantly accused of having affairs, even though I caught my abuser in 4 affairs, and that was just the ones I had the proof on.
Many times, events in life where often put onto me, or things where my fault, her poor peformance at work, why she was an inattentive lover, or anything....it always in the mind of my abuser was somehow my fault. And it carried over into everything I did, I tried being overly controling in things I did, cause I had no control in my own life. I got angry back cause I was always yelled at. Because I was blamed for everything.
The sad part about being a victim, is I belived it.....EVERY word! I figured if I was a better husband, a better father I could fix her anger, help her stop having affairs and help her be a better mother. And the sad truth is you just can NOT fix abuser, only they can fix themselves. And anytime I tried to stand up for myself, it usually would result in violence towards me.
And the abuse spilled over to my children. They were continuously neglected and abused. They were very sheltered and timid girls....till the day I stopped it....
She came home after two days of not being home and no contact, and what was worse, when she was home she payed no mind to my kids. When she came home, I FINALLY told her to leave and not come back, and was viciously assaulted for it, I have a scar on my arm to remind me of the attack. I called 911 and when the police came, they found me bruised and beaten. But she had one bruise on her arm from me defending myself and the laws on DV are clear....we BOTH went to jail and I lost my kids. =-(
I filed fo divorce and a restraining order and fought hard to get my children back, and am pleased to say I was awarded primary custody of my children. I can not say how MUCH the TPO helped me break the cycle of abuse with counseling and support from my friends and family. It's very hard to break the abuse cycle, and mine did everything, reestablished contact with a TPO in place, shut utilities off, and mad my life hell. But once I broke free off the cycle, I regained a huge part of myself. And my children even benefitted from it, they are strong, social, and my daughter is even the star student in school. They are n longer the scared children they once were cause they know they are safe living with me.
So please watch your family and loved ones. They may not know where to get the help from. But they will normally be to afraid to speak up for themselves. My case was not the worse, but if you look for the signs and watch out, you just may save a life!
Fatally Flawed (aka Pullstring)
Take care.