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Do you ever reflect on yourself And just think.. Damn I’m selfish.

OpiateKiller

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Feb 14, 2019
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Hey all. Sitting here smoking a cigarette and I’m just reflecting on my life and my decisions. I like to think I’m a pretty good person I’d do anyone for a friend in need and always treat people the best I can. But as I sit here and think about how self absorbed and self centered I am it’s kinda got me down.

I know they say alcoholics and drug addicts are selfish self centered people, but damn. I mean I take my family and girlfriend for granted. Sometimes I can be so distant, and I’ll just kinda shut down. Even though it’s my life, I can’t help but think how all these times I’ve used drugs or done other things have been such selfish actions never really caring how it affects other people.

I want to change this and be more caring and loving, but I’m scared I’m so stuck in my ways it’ll never happen. I’ve been real distant and angry at my girlfriend lately and I can’t even tell you a good reason. She never missed a single call from me when I did 6 months in jail and sacrificed ever Saturday night to come visit me.

Idk guys I’m just sitting here it and really hit me pretty hard how self absorbed I can be. She tried to lay with me a minute ago and usually I just push her away so I can sleep but idk. 5 AM thoughts... sorry if I’m rambling.
 

Shady's Fox

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I hate when people refer to days as something to do, Saturday it's a day like any other my dear. This with no offence, it's the stereotypical useless teen behavior, lol. Anyway do you live together? Since when this happend? Does this 'thinkin' of yours involves doubts bout her or bout both of you? What exactly are you tryin to say here?
 

OpiateKiller

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Feb 14, 2019
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I hate when people refer to days as something to do, Saturday it's a day like any other my dear. This with no offence, it's the stereotypical useless teen behavior, lol. Anyway do you live together? Since when this happend? Does this 'thinkin' of yours involves doubts bout her or bout both of you? What exactly are you tryin to say here?
Saturday night holds more value for a 21 year old idk if you just don’t have a job or what but it’s a night where most people use because Sunday is off for most people, idk if you’re brain dead but this is pretty common sense. My post isn’t even specifically about her it’s about my selfish actions and I was curious if anyone else could relate, is this a difficult concept for you to grasp?
 

Shady's Fox

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But why exactly did you become aggressive? What actions, duties or responsibilities? If you are mature enough to conversate and specify these issues that you talk about. Isn't about her but it involves things that relates to her, so again what are you tryin to say here?

p.s - I am brain dead, I have brain damage.
 

iLoveYouWithaKnife

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I think a lot of the self-loathing comes from addiction in general. times in the past, being a recluse or distancing myself from people, it could be looked back on and viewed as selffish but I chalk it up that I’d rather not have burdened people with my bullshit.
 

OpiateKiller

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I think a lot of the self-loathing comes from addiction in general. times in the past, being a recluse or distancing myself from people, it could be looked back on and viewed as selffish but I chalk it up that I’d rather not have burdened people with my bullshit.
That’s a very good point. Maybe the distance is just trying to save people from what I think comes next.

With a username such as the OP has & posts "but it’s a night where most people use" I'd rethink that username myself.
I didn’t mean use in the term of use drugs I meant a lot of people use Saturday as a day of fun essentially. Going out to eat, the beach maybe or on occasion the bar or a friends party. I just meant I do put more value on Saturday than I do say a Monday. I think most people do
 

OpiateKiller

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But why exactly did you become aggressive? What actions, duties or responsibilities? If you are mature enough to conversate and specify these issues that you talk about. Isn't about her but it involves things that relates to her, so again what are you tryin to say here?

p.s - I am brain dead, I have brain damage.
You basically inadvertently called me an idiotic stereotypical teenager, and you’re wondering why I responded aggressively?
 

PtahTek

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Do you ever reflect on yourself And just think.. Damn I’m selfish.
But as I sit here and think about how self absorbed and self centered I am it’s kinda got me down.
Yes I do.
This has helped me overcome and beat down many a "demon". It has made me a "better" person, IMO, and others like to sap the energy that comes with it and will if you let them.
This is also a means by which many self-destruct by way of self-loathing....
 

Mycophile

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Yeah, I think this all the time and have been told it all the time, especially by my family, and they are right most of the time.

My default answer is usually "I'm more self absorbed than I am selfish" lol...but whatever...walks like a duck then it might be.......

I don't know, my personal perception of "selfishness" as a concept and word is "caring more about yourself than others and thinking you are more important than them", and I do NOT feel that that GENERALLY USUALLY applies to me.

But I am SUPER SUPER "self absorbed".

I am so wrapped up in my own thoughts and my own limited world and very isolated to the extent that often all I notice is my own problems and what is going on in my own head, but when truly given the opportunity to help others with their problems I have shown I care many times and been happy and willing to help.

I honestly believe though that because of being so self absorbed I am kind of less able to be of help to others because I just find it harder to relate.

I mean, I am probably also on the autism spectrum with Non Verbal Learning Disability/Disorder, which has some connections to Aspergers, so I feel maybe it is harder also to relate for that reason, but I TOTALLY CARE about others.

Sometimes the label of "selfish" is fair IMO to call me and other addicts and those with mental illness when we don't apply our energies towards others, but sometimes I feel it isn't quite fair.

As an analogy or metaphor (and this is one which is gonna take some imagination and not be a great metaphor LOL): If I'm locked in a room and experiencing particular unique problems within that room, and then I can get on a phone and find out that other people are experiencing particular DIFFERENT problems in another room, even if somehow I am able to send out help for them via a messenger or whatever, I am probably going to have a hard time REALLY relating to what they are going through in their room and putting as much effort into helping as I should.

Some people are just really adept at putting aside what they are going through to help others, and I 100% acknowledge I am not one of them and need more work on it, but at the same time, sometimes the "selfish" label just isn't helping.

We all go through shit, and sometimes it's hard to stop thinking about the shit we are going through and think about others, even if we know it's wrong.
 

iLoveYouWithaKnife

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That’s a very good point. Maybe the distance is just trying to save people from what I think comes next.
Yeah and you know how it goes. You have nothing good going on, the last that people want to hear, is that repetitively.
 

Mafioso

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I think it's a bit of a generalization of the disorder. Sure, many are or become very selfish or at least self-involved, but a lot of people use in order to self-medicate for another disorder so that they can fulfill their duties and responsibilities like working a job to pay the bills for their family. I'm not sure how something like that could be selfish, although I'm sure it appears selfish to many from the outside. In some ways, it's selflessness combined with extreme desperation and hopelessness.

I don't really believe the statement is all inclusive for all those who have suffered substance use disorders, nor do I care to judge people by the decisions they made while in a hopeless and careless state. Drug abuse can certainly be extremely self-involved, and hedonistic which tends to be inherently selfish, but once one has become dependent and no longer enjoys it, is drug use still selfish? I don't really consider someone who has fallen in a trap to be selfish for having gotten themselves stuck- maybe lacking foresight or concern of consequences, and they may have even had selfish intentions when they got themselves stuck. Doesn't mean they forever remain hopelessly selfish so they need to sit in a dim room every week and talk about how evil they are.
 

PtahTek

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Doesn't mean they forever remain hopelessly selfish so they need to sit in a dim room every week and talk about how evil they are.
Just the opposite: Need to find a way to push past the darkness even as it gets dimmer by the day.
What gives us the incentive to do so?
Mine is mostly my SO. Just seemed it was time to man up and not drag another loved one down to that endless abyss of everlasting despair. Just my shit....
 

OpiateKiller

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Just the opposite: Need to find a way to push past the darkness even as it gets dimmer by the day.
What gives us the incentive to do so?
Mine is mostly my SO. Just seemed it was time to man up and not drag another loved one down to that endless abyss of everlasting despair. Just my shit....
Yes. I love the positive mentality. I feel that's why I've been trying to break up with her to just stop her from dealing with my shit but she won't budge or leave regardless of what I do. And when I say regardless of what I do, jail time, overdoses, cheating... she simply won't quit on me.

Yes!
Sometimes I'll think how incredibly selfish I am, and about the lows I've stooped to. And then I take more pills to make that go away.
True that. I can relate.

I think it's a bit of a generalization of the disorder. Sure, many are or become very selfish or at least self-involved, but a lot of people use in order to self-medicate for another disorder so that they can fulfill their duties and responsibilities like working a job to pay the bills for their family. I'm not sure how something like that could be selfish, although I'm sure it appears selfish to many from the outside. In some ways, it's selflessness combined with extreme desperation and hopelessness.

I don't really believe the statement is all inclusive for all those who have suffered substance use disorders, nor do I care to judge people by the decisions they made while in a hopeless and careless state. Drug abuse can certainly be extremely self-involved, and hedonistic which tends to be inherently selfish, but once one has become dependent and no longer enjoys it, is drug use still selfish? I don't really consider someone who has fallen in a trap to be selfish for having gotten themselves stuck- maybe lacking foresight or concern of consequences, and they may have even had selfish intentions when they got themselves stuck. Doesn't mean they forever remain hopelessly selfish so they need to sit in a dim room every week and talk about how evil they are.
Amen Mafioso. Thank you. At the end of the day I may not be trying to be selfish but when so caught up in drugs and alcohol is seems it's the only way to conduct business. I appreciate your insight on the fact that I don't need to dwell and the best option is to make positive changes and move on. Everyone thinks for themselves and about themselves, that's just survival and human nature, but sometimes I wish I was more concerned of others than my own feelings and wants
 

Factualist

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Absolutely. It makes me feel indescribably terrible when I think about how close I've come to dying and abandoning my family many times, all so I can feel better for a few hours without thinking of the consequences. I don't think poor mental health is an excuse. They would never be the same, it would ruin them and instead of feeling blessed that I have people who care so deeply about me I was willing to throw it away just like that.

I've stolen money, lied, cheated, and manipulated the people closest to me.

I once thought I saw an old friend and instead of wondering how she was or what she had been up to, my first thought was "I wonder if I could cop a fix from her?"

I'm glad I'm better now but the regret of how I used to live my life will always be with me, along with the ever present threat that I could fall back into it like that.
 

Mafioso

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At the end of the day I may not be trying to be selfish but when so caught up in drugs and alcohol is seems it's the only way to conduct business. I appreciate your insight on the fact that I don't need to dwell and the best option is to make positive changes and move on. Everyone thinks for themselves and about themselves, that's just survival and human nature, but sometimes I wish I was more concerned of others than my own feelings and wants
Selflessness can be learned and practiced. Empathy is a skill, and some seem to be more inclined to certain skill sets than others. When life gets chaotic, it's easy to get lost in your own storm and it can be very difficult to pause and reflect on how your actions impact others. Things like meditation and mindfulness are great ways to start to build greater self-awareness, along with journaling and allowing yourself time each day to reflect on what has transpired and how your actions affect others, especially those that you love.

Another great way is to practice healthy communication with your partner and close friends and family. This would include things like discussing your feelings, and allowing others time to discuss theirs. Working with a marriage and family therapist, at least for a little while to help establish healthy habits, can really make a difference for some.

Getting the drugs and alcohol out of the way really open you up to a whole deeper dynamic to your personality that you might not have thought was there. I know I've a greater capacity for compassion and patience when I'm not struggling with my substance use disorder. Focus on healing your soul, the essence of who you are, living a healthy and wholesome life, and the rest seems to follow.
 

Snake_Eyes

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All the time.
I know I'm a complete self absorbed narcist. Even though I don't have a high opinion of myself, everything is about me and I really couldn't care less about other people and their problems.
 
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